Needing some strength

[Hetty]

So I’ve had some support from WA. I’ve made a social housing application (yet to hear). There’s no way I’d get my husband out the house. It’s been fairly settled for a week. I knew it wouldn’t last. I’ve been journaling to see the patterns.
He’s started again (detail removed by moderator). I’ve been working late. Came home to him in a foul mood. Being picky with his kids. He then turns his attentions to me. I suggested his kid might need an early night (detail removed by moderator).
I’m a selfish f*****g b***h, f*****g b*****d, horrible woman etc etc. Telling me to get out the f*****g house. I’ve literally done nothing wrong. Has a go at me that I said (detail removed by moderator). I’m lazy, a disgrace, do nothing. This morning I cleaned the house and went food shopping. I know this is all him. It’s so hard living like this. I have no quick escape plan. How do I stay safe and sane?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Hetty, take everything he’s said about you and see it as his confession as to that is how he sees himself. Have you looked up going grey rock. There are a few YouTube videos. It basically involves making you the most boring person in the world, he gives you the silent treatment, relish in it. He’s going to get narky no matter what you do, could you try and do something just for you, is it possible to stand up to him? It’s dreadful what we put up with but it’s only when we get out that we really see how crazy and ridiculous it was. Living it in real time we do what we do to survive don’t we? Could you go on strike, I’ve heard a few of the ladies on here say they stopped doing chores for their partner,it’ll soon show him what you do do for him( only do this if it’s safe to,) I ended up going into refuge accommodation, it’s only now that my ex says that he’ll leave and let me stay in the house but it comes with the stipulation that I give him another chance, give us a month and if it doesn’t work he’ll move out, and get this, he’ll still pay the mortgage. I nearly wet myself at that one, and no it’s not even an option ladies🤦‍♀️
Take care Hetty
IWMB 💞💞

[Hetty]

Thanks for your advice. I’ll definitely look grey rock up some more. I can’t really do much for me, work is pretty much my only escape. He’s under my feet a lot as he has no friends and no hobbies. I go out with my child as much as I can at weekends but it can be draining and my son sometimes wants to stay at home. I fantasise that I’ll get a knock on the door to say my husband’s been involved in a fatal accident.
I’ve found if I stand up to him he’ll shout and swear and on a few occasions he’s grabbed me, threw things at me, and I have a child so I can’t risk that happening. If I keep out of his way I’m a cold b***h. Can’t win as is the case with these men. I’ve tried the strike thing but then things don’t get done and it adds to tension.
He helps me with childcare a few times per week (school pick ups). He’s not my child’s dad. He gives with one hand and takes with another. Everything he does I have to be eternally grateful for yet what I do is nothing. Basically I’m told to put up or shut up.
You’re right not to believe a word from your partner. All lies to get you back under control.
I know I’ll leave one day but it seems so far away and so much to organise I’ll feel like I never get there. It’s scary.

[lover of no contact]

Hetty that’s a huge step getting your social housing application in. We have to take the actions for things to change and you’re doing that.

I’d try and go minimum contact with him as possible when you’re in the house without him realizing it. I know it’s hard when he’s under your feet. But he wants the Contact as he gets his power hit from your upset/distress/anger etc. Remove yourself as his ‘fuel source’ as much as you can. It’s hard playing the cat and mouse game but it’s worth the effort.. until you get away from him for good. Don’t make it easy for him to have access to you in the home. Make him put in the effort. They hate that. They like to conserve their energy. He’s in the kitchen- you tidy your bedroom. He’s in the bedroom you be in the kitchen. Etc. The bathroom can be a haven of sorts if needs be. You could read the posts on here in there. Implementing Minimum contact and grey rock technique is the way to go for now.

[Hetty]

Thanks for advice. I’ve done that this morning (took ages drying my hair, had breakfast at a different time) so I wasn’t alone with him. The problem is that he’ll complain I’m being cold and distant. Feels like an impossible situation. He goes away for a few days with work soon and I can’t wait.

[Iwantmeback]

Hes only looking fir another reason to get under your skin. Try saying that’s your opinion,or I’m sorry you feel that way. I won’t nearly a month not engaging with my oh, all he got were one word replies or that’s your opinion. Do whatever it takes Hetty.
Stay strong.
IWMB 💞💞

[lover of no contact]

You can’t win with them. Even if you were Mother Theresa of Calcutta he’d find something to complain about. Do what’s best for him and have that hairdryer in so loud you can’t here his rants and negativity!

[lover of no contact]

Typo- do what’s best for YOU

[KIP.]

being anywhere near him will be upsetting. It’s the anxiety of not knowing where the next bout of abuse will come. I tried the grey rock but he would follow me from room to room. Trapme in the room and rage and frighten me. I wouldn’t trust him to be alone with my child. Try to talk to your child alone and ask what it’s like when the two of them are alone. See if your child is nervous or gives out bad vibes. Long after another lady on here left, her som opened up about what had been happening when she wasn’t about. Can you private rent for a while and have you told the local housing authority youre a victim of domestic abuse. They have a duty to rehome you. Lean on women’s aid too.

[KIP.]

Also wanted to add to please tell your GP what is going on. Get it logged. That’s really important for anything that may happen in future regarding court or police as it’s written evidence. No doubt he will play the victim but if you have logged it then it’s hard for him to get away with playing that card. Protect yourself financially too. Abuse takes many forms x once an abuser always an abuser x

[Hetty]

I have spoken to my son and things are ok when it’s just the two of them. He can be fun and nice. He knows I’d have him if he mistreated my son and he has kids of his own which he wouldn’t want to jeopardise his relationship with. It’s me who gets it mostly although the kids can feel tense around him. I’ll need to speak to work about some flexible working. I’ll make that a priority.
WA helped with my housing application and wrote a supporting letter. I’ve emailed them last night to see what’s happening as they are my c/o address now.
I’m not in a financial position to private rent in the short term. I don’t have the spare cash re a bond.
I’ve had a subtle ranting text today. I haven’t replied cos I don’t have time for the drama but if I don’t I’ll get it in the neck when I get home.
Such a miserable way to live…

[Hetty]

I’ll make a GP appt. do you have any tips re financial protection?

[Hetty]

I haven’t been to my GP as emotionally I do feel ok. I’ve had meds in the past and they’ve made me feel ill so wasn’t sure what else they would suggest?

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