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    • #75498
      gladtobefree
      Participant

      Hi
      The short version. (detail removed by Moderator) telling me that my ex has not made an application, I have asked him about this and he insists he has. He is emotionally abusive so now I’m not sure what is the truth. He said he refuses to discuss it further and disregarded my questions and just insisted I answer him in regards to the next access. I first of feeling anxious agreed and then after some thought I messaged him to say that that this needs to stop and I think it’s best we wait (detail removed by Moderator) . I’m worried about if I’ve done the right thing. I know that he use a coercive control and fear (detail removed by Moderator) . He knows my biggest anxiety is to be without my children so he makes me feel I have to do whatever he says or it will go against me, yet he ignores anything I ask as and when he chooses even though it’s in regards to our child

    • #75500
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear gladtobefree

      As you say, he is emotionally abusive, manipulative, and controlling, I would trust (detail removed by Moderator) .

      Trust yourself, you made the call to check, nothing more for you to do.

      You can relax and wait (detail removed by Moderator) .

      You have acted to protect your children (detail removed by Moderator) .

      The next step is to block any further means of communication from him. This will give you a desperately needed break from his ear worms.

      Try to keep your head a safe place for you, kick him out mentally.

      Keep posting and let us know how you get on.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

      • #75503
        gladtobefree
        Participant

        Thank you
        I’ve woke up anxious but I suffer anxiety so I expected I would and this can’t go on for ever so something needs to change. He knows that when I’m anxious I will think irrational about our daughter and will get upset that he would get custody even though he hasn’t even been here for her and she is only a baby so doesn’t even know him. It’s always been me who has asked of he has plans to see her and never him, he has been months without even a text and then pips up when it suits. (detail removed by Moderator) I need to try and get my head straight that he won’t get custody whatever rubbish he tries to come out with and just enjoy my life again xx

    • #75502
      KIP.
      Participant

      Abusers are Pathalogical liars. Cut him right out the loop and protect you and your children with a legally binding access agreement. Speak to a solicitor, most offer free initial advice or ring Rights of a Women for free legal advice. Work on zero contact. Use a third party if you can for any contact. Do not believe a word he says. Get support from your local women’s aid.

      • #75506
        gladtobefree
        Participant

        Thank you KIP
        His lying was a massive issue in our relationship and it was mainly about his past which I found out more and more about. He was married and separated when we met and he made her to be the bad one when that was not the case at all. He has a pattern of mental abuse and cheating which led to his wife becoming infertile.
        It’s so difficult with emotionally abusive people because so many people don’t see it. Majority of the time he is subtle and then when I confront his behaviour he disregards. My solicitor just says I have to make a decision and then he can apply to court so that doesn’t help my anxiety. Everyone tells me to be rational and I will not lose custody her but the fear makes me so anxious and that’s what he wants so I need to keep telling myself that it is just his mental games making me feel this way. Even his family have contacted my friends to tell them to stay away from me xx

    • #75510
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there, you have done the right thing. Your priority is yours and your child’s safety and sanity. We are so used to saying yes to our oh’s but given time to think, you know it’s not what’s good for you or the wee one, well done on standing up to him. My oh was also married when we met, as was i😏 he too made out she was the abuser, hit him. She stopped him seeing their children, would only allow supervised access. I felt for him. I never thought about why she was doing it, never thought there must be a reason why a mother would go that far to stop their dad seeing them. All i saw was this broken man who needed me to comfort him. I just shake my head at myself now, at how naive I was.
      You are right it is his games and his friends(flying monkeys) are intimidating and harassing your friends, which could lead to, at worst a police caution, at most, a custodial sentence.
      Keep laying down your boundaries, you’ll get so much more confident every time you do.
      IWMB 💕💕

      • #75514
        gladtobefree
        Participant

        Thank you for your support it helps to hear from other people who has been through or are going through this. I have been in a previous abusive relationship which was mainly violent and I have to be honest that it was easier to cope with and remove on from as it was what it was to put it plainly. There is more support with violent abuse than emotional yet I feel emotional is harder to manage. He can be very subtle with his abuse and when I try to manage it and change the environment or situation he will then change his tactic of manipulation. This means he then uses the excuse that I’m just always finding fault in his actions. Previously I allowed him to have access at my home which he used to touch me subtly or walk in and put of my rooms including bedrooms as and when he wanted. He once kisses our daughter while I was breast feeding and didn’t see my problem with this even though we were separated. (detail removed by Moderator) he took my phone without asking and then said he was just going to take a video of me our daughter although he had his own phone in his hand. So he will push boundaries yet act like it’s innocent xx

    • #75519
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Covert abusers are despicable.

      • #75520
        gladtobefree
        Participant

        I couldn’t agree more. Separating making excuses for abusers I could come to terms with behaviour of those that lashed out and acted aggressive to a certain degree because they were usually highly jealous individuals and their actions didn’t come across as calculator and more a case of not being able to control their own insecurities yet the covert why personality which calculates his moves and has a plan just doesn’t make sense to me. I understand their motive is for ego reasons but what an extent to go to just to feel better about yourself. My ex often admitted to me his behaviour and I think this was due to me being more knowing about abusive behaviour than his previous partners so his cry for help was his way in of getting round me. Most people that know him think he is a lovely caring person and this is exactly how he acts. He is the partner who will make you breakfast in bed and run to the shops yet will disregard to fact he has made a string of lies and usually when it’s something important to me he would somehow ruin it, including my birthday. It makes my skin crawl. He even pretended he couldn’t have children knowing that me having any more children could be life threatening. I was very lucky to have another baby and when I was anxious after the c section that is when he pounced and became more abusive

    • #75521
      KIP.
      Participant

      Plausible deniability. It makes us feel crazy. They always seem to come up with something they think to defend their unacceptable behaviour. It’s very frightening trying to ensure boundaries with an abuser. I watched a YouTube video recently and it said you can get a good idea of someone mind set by saying no. I’ve only recently realised that my ex would go off the deep end when I said no to certain things. Reasonable people would just accept no and maybe say that’s ok I understand why you’re saying no. But for abusers it’s like a red rag to a bull. Keeping away from him is how to cope.

      • #75522
        gladtobefree
        Participant

        All very true KIP
        I once had a conversation where I said he can have access if he stops being abusive and swearing at me etc in front of my other children to which he completely went off on one and pretended to cry/scream that he missed her (his sister was with him) I said I wasn’t denying access but he couldn’t behave like that and I stead of being normal and say g ok fair enough I will stop when I visit he just went mad and called me lots of names. It’s the boundaries that he can’t deal with. He tho is he is entitled to do as he wants. Before I had the baby. He wouldn’t be that brave because he knew I wouldn’t put up with it but now he thinks he can use our daughter to scare me into giving into him xx

    • #75523
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s great that you can see his game and can prepare yourself. Keep a journal of this kind of behaviour. You may need it one day for court. It’s like dealing with a 6ft toddler having a temper tantrum. It’s very sad that they care so little. Protect yourself and your child x

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