Nervous

[Stella]

Has anyone else found that the abuse is not as bad during the lockdown? There have been two occasions where it has reared its ugly head.

One being where we disagreed on a punishment for our (detail removed by moderator) old who was swearing a lot (his dad swears all the time so I feel like I’ve got 4 (detail removed by moderator), not three) I said I thought taking his phone was a good punishment as like most teenagers he loves his phone, especially in lockdown, so we did this but then my husband/his dad went OTT and tried to throw him out on the streets so when I interviened he took it out on me by smashing some of my things up. The next time was when me and my husband went on a bike ride and he took me to this place that was for (detail removed by moderator) and because I couldn’t get up the hills etc he shouted at me saying any other woman would be better, I’m useless etc etc and then telling everyone we passed about how useless I am at everything!

Anyway, other than that, considering it’s been 4 weeks in the house together, he has been unusually calm and actually nice to me! I feel like I’m getting a false sense of security and it might be because he feels more in control because I am not able to go to work or socialise???

Has anyone else found this? I was expecting every other day to be like the two bad days we’ve had…

[Lisa]

Hi Stella

I just wanted to show you some support.

The incidents you described are both very serious, especially smashing up your things and insulting you. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. I know you said that things don’t seem as bad right now but just be aware that this is all part of the cycle of abuse, things may be calm now but unfortunately tension can build up and then another incident may happen.

It may be worth getting in touch with your local domestic violence service if you haven’t already and getting some support in place, you can find this here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and please keep posting

Lisa

[Kitkat44]

Hi there Stella,
It has been much calmer here too. Two minor incidents compared to how horrible it was before lockdown.
Never thought it might be due to him feeling he has more control but could be.
We mainly have an issue when my husband looses his temper with one of our boys who will stand up to him and shout and swear and lash out at things (kick doors) each and every time I see him doing the exact same behaviour his dad shows to him and just wonder why my husband can’t see where he’s got these patterns and ways from. The ones that he actually despises our son acting out are the things he tries to stop by being the same.
I had to pop to work yesterday (in a local school) and something happened as one of our other boys text me that there had been a row. I hate how damaging this is for my children but can’t find courage to get rid.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had these awful incidents happen to you.
Take care xx

[Stella]

Kitkat44 this sounds so much like my situation.
He cant see why the boys are like they are.
I cant tell them to not do the exact same things their dad is doing…e.g swearing, slamming stuff about etc the only difference with them is that they know when to stop and feel bad about things afterwards and don’t get personal like he does.

It’s pretty bad today…he just gets up in a ‘mood’ some days and that’s it!

I’m so embarrassed that my neighbor’s can hear all this and must think it’s my fault when they hear the boys swearing and answering him back…I feel like I try to avoid my neighbor’s now because of the embarrassment.

Stay strong, as I will, even though its extremely difficult. I also work at a school and feel bad that I’m protecting vulnerable children but have failed in protecting my own….

[Kitkat44]

Oh Stella I relate to all of this. I’ve sent you a message.
You are still protecting your children. Having you there as a constant gentle loving parent will still have a positive impact on them. You have not failed them. Their dad has.
Xx

[Chasingrainbows]

Kitkat44 and Stella I’m finding it worse, but I wanted to relate to the bits where yr kids copy their Dad. I’ve the same thing happening where he doesn’t always realise it’s happening and the girls behaviour has gotten worse over lockdown (or maybe I see it more as they’re here with me all the time!!) Stay strong. We’ll get through it.

[Weepingwillow]

Hi Stella . Things were a lot calmer during lockdown but I realised this was as me and my sons couldn’t see friends so he didn’t have to control us as much as there was no threat of visitors .
Same as you too am having problems with him shouting at teen and threatening behaviour , name calling and my son is becoming distant . I say a day or so ban from Xbox but he shouts, swears and pushes and when I intervene he turns on me … then when he’s calmed down let’s him on the Xbox anyway
I’m at a loss xx

[hop]

You need to find the strength to get rid! If not for yourself for your children. Especially if they’re acting like him already. I have a young child who is abusing me physically and verbally and gaslights me. This child doesn’t even rem6me and his dad living together. I cannot believe what a detrimental effect this has had on him after seeing the conversion his dad exerts from afar. Please for the sake of your young, especially boys, get out. I’m so scared that if my son doesn’t stop abusing me then that’s who he’ll be. I’m hoping that I’m doing enough , earlier enough so he wont grow up to abuse his partner. I’m terrified of it. Even if you dont believe you deserve better your little ones really do x

[Author]

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