Never ending cycle

[Lightning-Jet]

I know the cycle of abuse so well now, I have been going around and around for a long time.

I have spent a weekend being controlled, having my time dictated, being made fun of infront of his friends, being questionned infront of them and shouted down infront of them. Being made to feel guilty if I dare to say anything.

I am sick of being expected to justify what I do; I feel like I am a naughty child being chastised for anything I do.

I can’t talk to him as he makes me feel completely inferior. I know I can’t continue to live like this and I don’t want to live like this anymore.

Anytime I try to speak to him about ending the relationship; I feel like I am up infront of the Headmaster.

He asks if I still love him and want to be with him; why can’t I just say the words “No, I don’t feel the same way anymore and I want you to leave”

He has clearly got way into my head now and i have lost my strength and lost sight of me. My health is suffering; I am on mdeication that I don’t want to be on, I suffer panic attacks and light headed feelings.

Everything that happens follows the cycle, so why can’t I break free??

[Anonymous]

Hi lightning-jet,

Have you read living with the dominator womens aid use this book alot. He sounds like the dictator. He enjoys see you being submissive and worse he’s degrading you in front of his friends. I suffered this too, it leaves you feeling like your nothing,it damages your self worth. My advice is get out of this now,as safely as you can. I wish I had.You’ve already realised this isnt healthy and your guts telling you leave. Don’t wait till it gets worse and your a shadow of yourself because then it gets harder to leave. Plan how to get out of this safely then go for it. You can do it and there are better people out there who won’t treat you like this. Don’t except it because your worth much much more 💕

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi DIYmum,

Thank you so much for your reply; I haven’t read it no, but i have now purchased it, thank you

Yes I feel so small when he is like that infront of other people. I feel embarrassed. I know he is doing it purposely to control and manipulate me; but I never know how to react. I know if I say the wrong thing it will make things worse for me.

I do absolutely need to get out now; before it goes any further. I’m just worried about the backlash I will have from it.

Being with my OH makes me wonder at this moment whether I will be able to trust another man again.

I don’t know why I can’t just say those words, I want you to leave. When I am on the spot and he is demanding answers; I never know how to respond as I am worried about his reaction.

I know in my heart that he will never be any different; I have had years of this and many promised which he has never fulfilled.

Thank you, I really appreciate your message x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi lightening-jet. Take extra care of yourself. He is such a piece of s.um for treating you this way. The hardest thing I found doing was contacting WA. But once i met with them they were amazing .
I am very articulate but when my OH acts like this i am at a loss for words, its like being in front of the headmaster, it is so crushing. Once you really look at him and see him fir the pathetic bully he is and see no sight of the man you feel in love with, your defences will start to grow.
It starts as a feeling of somethings not right to why does he treat me this way to i can’t live like this. I’ve tried a few times to end my life, now i realuse its us i want to end not my life 💕💕

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Iwantmeback,

Thank you, he really is but other people think he is this amazing person, if only they saw the monster I see. I too found it extremely hard to seek help. I think partly because I wasn’t sure what I was experiencing would be classed as abuse.

Absolutely; I too find myself lost for words. Of course I think afterwards of all the things I could have said. But when they stare at you waiting for you to say something; words fail me. I suppose that is why they are able to tie us up in knots with what they say. I only see a glimmer of the person he used to be – or the person I thought he was.

I have thought many times “what could I have possibly done for him to be as he is with me”. I am beginning to realise now that it is him with the issue, not me. Its not what I have done at all; its all in his twisted, manipulative mind.

I am so sorry to hear you have tried to end your life; no-one should ever make you feel that way. It is the relationship with your OH that needs to go.

I hope you find the strength to break away from your OH; wishing you all the very best of luck, it will be worth it!

L-J x

[Flowerchild]

You don’t need his permission or approval to leave, Lightning. He’d soon argue you to exhaustion and you’d probably end up staying.

The secret is to go without telling him. In a normal relationship with a normal partner, this would be so wrong! But it’s the safest way to leave an abuser.

He thinks he owns you, so you need to steal yourself back.

Good luck.

Flower x

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Flowerchild,

No I absolutely don’t; although he moved in with me so he should be the one to leave! That’s the problem, I have given him so many chances now, its all words. His actions never back it up.

Its so difficult to know what to do for the best; how to go about things.

He does seem to think that he owns me; but he absolutely does not. I am getting my life on track and despite how he is; I am doing my own thing occasionally and I am to do this more and more. He will not dictate my life!!

Thank you
L-J x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi LJ, what a great sentence. He will not dictate my life! I’m slowly finding my inner voice, she hates what is happening to me. Im trying to get as much info in the quiet time were in just now, cos we can’t think straight and logically when it erupts.
My biggest fear is having to go onto benefits or being found fit for work when I’m not. A visit to cab should help allay that beast. We are our own knights in shining armour at the end of the day. Its hard doing these things as it feels like going behind his back, I’m not a secretive person but he’s made me into one. At the end of the day as he says, look after no1, as no-one else will. 😏😞
It’s the picture they paint to the ourside world that grates so much and he still thinks we just argue like normal couples!!

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Iwantmeback,

Absolutely – keep repeating that to yourself, that’s what I am doing now. If he is trying to argue and I just think over and over ” you do not and will not dictate my life” maybe one day I will actually say it rather than just think it.

You will get stronger with time; I certainly am getting stronger now. There is only so much we can put up with; everyone has a breaking point.

Don’t worry about having to go onto Benefits, there is so much help out there for you; get as much support as you can.

It is so hard; I feel the same. I feel so guilty trying to get things in place so I can tell him to go. That’s exactly what they do; they force you to become secretive.

I totally agree with you; the persona they show to other people is completely different to the person we have to deal with at home. They have a completely warped view of life. They think how they act is normal – or they like to believe that how they act is normal.

They will use any excuse in the book!

I can see all of this happening to me and I can see myself going around the cycle again and again and again. In fact I have lost count of the amount of times. But if I can see all that – why can’t I break free??

[Iwantmeback]

Ps meant to say that i too cannot say yes I’d like you to leave, it literally gets stuck in my throat. 💕💕

[Lightning-Jet]

Yep, strange isn’t it? I think its partially how they look at you. They are masters at looking like the injured party! I think its also the aftermath that is of concern!

[Iwantmeback]

Aye the aftermath. I stood inbetween my OH and my pet to prevent him hitting him with something. He ended up punching me as i would not get out his face, knocked me down but not out as they say. Now i dont say anything when he’s hurting/ shouting at them , i literally freeze and am speechless. Lesson learned😢
I’ve been having pretty good days recently but finding it hard today. I’m so tired abd feeling hopeless i guess😞
Oh well tomorrow’s anither day.
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Lightning-Jet]

Oh no; I’m so sorry to hear that. I would do exactly the same with my pet.

Completely understandable that you would freeze; you don’t want to be hit again. Your OH is unpredicatable and you are trying to protect yourself.

Its good that you are having some good days; I know the bad days can feel like you’ve taken a step back, but that’s not the case; I hope you are feeling better today.

I had a couple of low days this week; but I am feeling much more positive today.

Take care hun x

[Iwantmeback]

The low days are the worst. But it’s normal to have low days in normal relationships just the same as in an abusive one. I think the difference is the abusive low days are harder to deal with because the cause of them is always present.
I had a eureka moment today. Was having a conversation with my OH in my head, as usual😀its the only time they listen. We were talking about how depressed i am and that i should see the Dr, and my reply was, you know what im not depressed, I’m just incredibly unhappy and very sad and it is those feelings which make me depressed. I know those feelings are symptoms of depression but because we know why we are sad,unhappy,suicidal and we know deep down we’ll feel better without the cause of those feelings in our lives, it stops many of us taking meds. Cause really the meds will help us cope with our situation but they wont get rid of the cause of it.(Him)I won’t take them for 2 reasons. I did once
before and i have no memory of that time(Lots of gaslighting) and he used me being on them to his advantage
They did work for me at the time and i wouldn’t stop anyone else using them either. We do whatever it takes to get through this.
I am feeling much better today, eventually phoned CAB, been putting that off too. See being practical really does help. 🙂
Glad you’re feeling better too.💞 Sometimes the enormity of accepting what they are, living with the abuse, deciding to seek help, acting like everything’s fine, putting Into place leaving, being safe, worrying constantly if you’re imagining things, doing the right thing. It’s no wo srr we have low days.
It’s good that they are just low days and not the deep dark chasms they were, before i made the conscious decision to end the relationship.
Keep smiling and looking forward it’s all we can do.
IWMB 💕💕

[Lightning-Jet]

Yes the low days are absolutely the worst; it is absolutely down to that one person being a constant in our lives. They try to make us feel like we are going mad and in my experience encourage us to go on medication as we are not “wired right”.

Even if I am in a really happy mood; there are still accusations thrown at me.

I agree; it is them that cause us to have the symptoms of depression. No pills will get rid of the problem; as they are the problem that needs to be dealt with.

It is exhausting trying to get everything in place. I sometimes feel like I am at the bottom of a cliff face looking up and wondering how the heck I am going to get up to the top – freedom.

Absolutely it is all we can do! keep smiling 🙂

L-J x

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