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    • #143639
      Pinkdoor
      Participant

      Sometimes I get angry at myself for not calling the police and reporting my ex for the abuse he was putting me through. I do know I was in survival mode so wasn’t thinking clearly… but now that I am out of the physical day to day living situation and relationship I’ve found he has started using the baby as an emotional weapon. I hate that he has his foot in the door with the baby as a way of constant access… which in a way makes me relive the abuse because it hasn’t stopped. I want to know if there is anyway I can report him for the weird twisted abuse he is putting me through now? Or will the police just laugh at me? I guess to outsiders that haven’t experienced abuse it’s easy for them to think I’m being dramatic, and I get that in a way because before going through what I went through I wouldn’t have thought how bad mental torture alone can destroy someone’s entire spirit and soul. I don’t want to go to the police if that’s not going to help or change anything. I’m usually strong and can laugh off his n**********c attempts to break me but some days like today I feel overwhelmed and wonder when will it stop? I do feel like he will never stop. I’ve found that he has started doing things in his personal life in hope to get a reaction from me, and then sometimes I feel like am I being crazy thinking like that. But I know the spiteful bitter human being he is. He has now stated through emails that he wants to get the baby a passport and take him abroad. He isn’t a great dad, but he isn’t bad either… however the thought of him taking him abroad really worries me. He has never had the baby more than (detail removed by moderator) nights mainly because he hasn’t wanted him for a long duration but also there are parenting concerns. When we were together he never did anything, I was a single parent while in the relationship if that makes sense. So I have never really witnessed him being a proper parent. He is incredibly selfish and childish and I know he never puts anyone before himself so this is why I am worried at the thought of him taking him abroad. My ex has become increasingly crueler to me because I am in a new relationship. Since this happened he has started coming out with all these new shock tactics such as wanting to take him abroad. Also the baby always cries when he has to go to him… however he doesn’t cry when being passed to me or to my dad or to my boyfriend. I’m worried that the baby is being ignored or treated cruelly, I’ve never known a baby be so upset going to another parent. I feel lost, if anyone can help me with this situation I’d really appreciate it.

    • #143641
      Mellow
      Participant

      Well done for getting out I can relate to this .he cannot take your children out the country without consent you must put a court order in place for this you wouldn’t be need a valid reason why.I think your reason is enough you don’t think he’s capable.I’m the same I don’t agree with mine taking them abroad alone he took them round the corner and she came back with a bump so can’t imagine another country where they won’t be looked after properly tell him he will have to wait until they make a decision when older.mine started saying he was coming places because he thought I was having an affair.you have a right to go back to the police even if you left contact 101

      • #143643
        Pinkdoor
        Participant

        Thank you for replying. Are court orders easy to apply for? If he were to apply for a passport would I be informed or do I have to contact the passport office to try and stop that from happening. Last month he had the baby stay the night at a girls house he was seeing, he refused to give me the address or even town. He laughed down the phone at me. I went to bed upset not having a clue where my baby was sleeping. I thought a mother should know where her baby stays etc but the police said he can do whatever he likes. He knows all addresses where the baby stays and sleeps yet I know nothing when it’s his time with him apart from his mothers, apparently he’s never there now.

    • #143644
      Mellow
      Participant

      For a court order you may have to face hun you can get legal aid if you have a support worker but may have a consultation fee.it’s supposed to be fairly quick.you can’t stop a passport when it’s being applied for as he is a parent but you should contact the police if you think he will go without consent this will have repruccushions though on his part.do you class what he has said as a threat?him taking them out the country it’s about how you feel,as far as him taking them Elsewhere that is part of the abuse he has to know but you never no.next time just got out don’t tell him see how it feels

    • #143645
      Mellow
      Participant

      Also he’s playing mind games how do you even know there is another woman?act like you don’t care people like this want you to care I’m sure they are safe and it is upsetting for you I would be too but when he knows your not interested that’s when they start volunteering information

    • #143646
      KIP.
      Participant

      Contact your local womens aid. If you have suspicions your child is being abused then withhold all contact and tell your ex to go through a solicitor and the courts. Keep all the evidence you can including a detailed journal of his behaviour and your child’s. Make sure you’re legally the resident parent or he can simply not return your child. You can apply for a non molestation order. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline for advice.

    • #143647
      KIP.
      Participant

      you can never co parent with an abuser. They anti parent. Best you can do is limit contact or zero contact and have a legally binding agreement that the police/courts can enforce when he breaks it.

    • #143651
      Mellow
      Participant

      You need to use contact centre

    • #143660
      Pinkdoor
      Participant

      Thank you so much for all the advice! I feel a lot stronger knowing there’s things I can do. I just want him to stop with all the mind games. I know who the girl is now but I still have no idea where she lives. He is causing issues with my life financially refusing to pay for the babies nursery fees so I’m left to fund that by myself etc. I am going to contact my local womens aid and limit contact. If he wishes to see him more it will have to be through a contact centre or he will have to pay for a solicitor. I know it’s going to be another struggle but eventually it will pay off I hope.

      • #143662
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        so sorry that the abuse is continuing, and you are not alone in this, it is classic that an abuser can escalate things after separation, and definitely use the children as pawns to control the mother. That is an abusive father that does this, not a good father. A good father would see that it would be very detrimental to take a baby away from its mother, and not want to do this. Have a think about what you would do in the same situation if the tables were turned…I know I wouldn’t want to remove a baby from its mother, for instance if it were a sister’s baby, or a neice’s baby, certainly not when the baby showed such distress i would back off and say we need to build up time together, that’s child centred safe parenting.

        I would lodge your concerns with the police/home office about the risk of him taking the baby abroad, because yes, he could possibly already have a passport and be making plans.

        By withdrawing contact you would force his hand to turn to the courts to secure contact, this will be your opportunity to present all your findings to them, prioritising the needs of the baby, and the lack of interest over an extended period of time by the father.

        You don’t ‘have’ to hand over your distressed baby, noone is making you, only perhaps the threat of him.

        I don’t understand why he has access to this information about where the baby is continually? The baby is under your care, and yes, ensure you have resident parent status. As resident parent he has no rights to know where you choose to safely keep your baby. However, as the father, once he has contact, he is responsible and not duty bound to report to you where the baby is either, afaik.

        If you have concerns for the baby’s safeguarding, then act immediately to protect, and he will definitely use it against you if you don’t by quoting times you have handed over a distressed baby, but seeing the pattern you do, document it all as your proof of why you are needing to withhold contact.

        Do keep talking and posting on here and getting all the support you can.

        warmest wishes

        ts

      • #143664
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        …he will also continue to abuse you financially by messing up the fundamental payments necessary for your basic daily routine.

        Turn to CSA, and explain that you have tried a ‘family arrangement/agreement, or whatever’ and he’s defaulted on it x number of times, and will not be approached about rectifying the defaults or setting up DD or something reliable.

        This will mean they can get involved in pursuing an arrangement on your behalf, because normally their first step would be ‘sort it out yourself’, be clear that this has repeatedly failed and left you/baby vulnerable to job loss potentially, or whatever reason you are reliant upon it.

        You have no need to hand over your distressed baby basedo n your experiences so far.

    • #143661
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes, set the boundaries now. Third party for all contact. Keep a detailed journal of his behaviour. The times he lets you down like not paying, (detail removed by moderator). Let your GP know his behaviour is affecting you badly. Start building a support network.

    • #143663
      KIP.
      Participant

      When Dad Hurts Mom is a good book by Lundy Bancroft.

    • #144098
      Pinkdoor
      Participant

      Thank you again for all the great advice. I felt really empowered with all the comments so I spoke to my local womens aid. They were great and really made me feel reassured that I was experiencing a difficult situation, I was told I was getting a idva. But now I haven’t heard anything and I’m feeling a bit vulnerable because my ex is asking questions why I’ve stopped recent contact days. I’ve structured a long email and will send to him, it’s basically about going through a contact centre. I’ve worded everything with no emotions. I let him know I’d send an email. And now he’s sent me a email stating (detail removed by Moderator) I think he knows I want to change/reduce contact. His passive aggressive emails like that always give me anxiety, I know it will be a list of threats to try and make me crumble and give in… but I can’t live like this anymore so I will stay strong. Even if it ends in court maybe that’s for the best. There is no risk of the passport situation now because the solicitor said I would have to sign for one, which is reassuring. (Detail removed by Moderator).

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