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It has been (detail removed by moderator) since breaking up from my extremely emotional abusive boyfriend and I cannot seem to get over it. I have started dating and I was ok for a few months, I thought about my ex for a few times each day but I was getting over it. But since January started I cannot stop crying over the situation, I do not want him back and even when he got in touch recently and asked if I would get back with him there and then I said no although I feel so madly in love with him. So why do I feel this way still. Does anyone know what route I could go down to get this out of my head, I’ve cried every day for almost two months now over this I can’t take anymore. He recently started being abusuve again and am now going through this with the police for harassment and to keep him away but I cannot help these crazy feelings. I feel so down. Thanks x
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Going no contact will really help. I count two dates of leaving – the day I left, and the day I went no contact. I didn’t start to heal until I went no contact. I have been out a similar length of time to you I think, but with half of that no contact. I found January hard too – not missing him so much as mourning my lost future I think. It’s getting better again now though. I really hope that you will start to feel this once you are also truly free of him. I would also say, you said you have started dating again. I have too, although women’s aid recommends that you wait two years, but I am very aware that I find it triggering, so it might not be helping with your recovery.
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Thank you so much for your reply. It is so true the day you break up and the day you go no contact. He keeps contacting me and I have blocked all means of communication but he does still keep making new emails to get through to me. I feel a lot better than I did a few weeks ago but know I’m going to have my up and down days xx
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Hi Prettyflowers,
I just wanted to show you some support. Please keep being kind to yourself and if possible go no contact. As long as you still have contact with you he can still continue to abuse and confuse you. How you are feeling is very normal. Look after yourself and phone the helpline for some advice and support. The freedom program and some counselling could really help too.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Thank you for both getting back to me I really appreciate it. I am going no contact but I still haven’t been able to get over it, I genuinely feel so depressed and don’t know if this is normal to feel this way. I feel like I am being silly as there are a lot worse things happening to people so not sure if I’m overreacting but I cannot get rid of this horrible empty feeling, it’s not even the fact I’m crying that I miss him anymore I think it’s because deep down I do love him and just want this whole thing to be over. He is avoiding the police and they’ve said I may have to face him in court at some point , which I physically feel I cannot do I’d rather it just be over and be able to move on but I can’t anytime soon. Thank you again x
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Prettyflowers, you are not alone. I feel in a similar way to you I think, I feel like I concocted the whole relationship in my head, overreacted about it all. Deep down I love my ex/partner and I never wanted to leave him. I keep thinking how messed up it is to be in love with someone who causes you fear, manipulates you, gaslights you and controls you. I can’t get my head around it. Feeling numb, very low and can’t manage to cry. Have you thought about doing the Freedom Program? I should be starting it soon, been a bit of a wait in my area, but I have heard it is really useful. I was told I must do it by the support worker I saw. It is meant to be really useful for understanding why we feel we overreacted.
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It does take longer than a normal break up, unfortunately. Being abused can be quite damaging and it takes time to relearn what normal is. I still struggle and get triggered and miss him occasionally. And it has been twice as long already as it took me to recover from my hardest previous break up. Have you managed to get any counselling? I haven’t, but I think that t would be useful if I could…
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I can relate Prettyflowers, it’s been many months since I ended things too and can’t believe that I still think about him every day. It has taken me way longer than usual to get over him, even though it wasn’t a long relationship, I doubted my feelings for him especially at first and he was really emotionally abusive too.
I think it is to do with the fact that it is abusive, like KIP said it messes with your brain with the trauma bonding, which isn’t there in normal relationships. I think the trauma bonds make it take much much longer to get over, because like any trauma it keeps replaying in your head. I’m not sure about you but what tends to replay in my head are ‘nice memories’ then ‘abusive memories,’ like my brain is still trying to figure out what happened, who he was and why I’m single again because I loved ‘nice him’ and thought he was wonderful, but then ended up fearing ‘abusive him’ would kill me, so it is incredibly confusing and takes over your brain until you have come to terms with it. The realisation that he was dangerous came to me so suddenly and was so shocking and terrifying that my brain is still trying to make sense of what happened months and months later.
I agree that abuse specialist counselling/therapy would help, and reading books about recovery, and taking pressure off yourself to heal, that is what I am trying to do because I too worry that I will feel like this forever. Just think of the progress you have made so far, even if it’s not as far as you had hoped – it is moving in the right direction at least.
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I can only echo what the other women have posted so far. I was with my ex for a number of years and am several months out. Still crying a lot over him and missing him. I have several threads about it. Going through a bad period myself having thought that I had made progress, but I was ill last week and think maybe my resistance is down.
I have done lots of research and what we are going through is normal for recovery from an abusive relationship. It is so hard that on top of the abuse we also have to get through recovery, but I trust those who tell me that it can be done. Put one foot in front of another. Get through the next hour. That’s all we have to do.
This too shall pass.
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I also feel the same! Mine has a non harrassment order only recently granted in the last few months. I don’t know if now am trying to get over him but I think about him every day. I’ve even had dreams about him which is strange because when I first got out I would wake in a panic thinking he was in the house now it’s switchwd to nice dreams. I can’t also make sense of it. Am on anti depression tables to cope, I want to get ofoff them though but find it a struggle.
It’s crazy why we can’t get over men who have abused us. I wish I had the answer but I don’t. And am in a new relationship with a guy who is the exact opposite in every way but I still can’t get over my ex husband 🙁 -
Hey girls, just wanted to say a huge thank you for all of the support you have given me it was literally invaluable to me getting over my situation. I think the moral support combined with an actual realistic outlook in life helped me, the person I am now with who is someone I do actually love, not like I thought I did before, it has taken me so long literally (detail removed by moderator) to even get myself to accept him. I just want to tell you that there is a way out and you will feel better and happy one day, I used to feel like depression and death was my only way out, I now feel like no matter the situation it will get better, I’m in love , good times with my family and are seriously planning my future. Good times are due for us all but please just hold out, I personally couldn’t have without this amazing forum xx
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