Never had good relationships anyone else

[Mellow]

I’ve never been single until now I had a boyfriend in my teens and had a baby .i later met someone else a a year or two later and had another and was in a coercive and controlling relationship I won’t go into too much not to expose myself but I’ve never been single and I’ve always been faithful and had kids in my relationships.I’ve tried to do some soul searching and realised watching my parents relationship didn’t help at all my parent seemed abusive and my mother tried to protect us from seeing things.but the thing is I was never protected and she always stayed in the relationship even when one of her ex partners tried to (detail removed by moderator) I tried to bring it up to her but she said she couldn’t remember a lot of these things what stand out are engrained in my brain I don’t ever want my kids to go through it.this is another reason I ended it with my kids dad as I wanted my children to see positive relationships.but now I feel nothing but shame even though I’m not responsible for others actions I was very young starting a love life and really knew nothing and probably it started with me wanting to be popular then I found I could not stand being alone without a man .i know I’m waffling a lot.the more I heal the more I notice the younger version of me in other people using men to hide their troubles.I’m just writing my thoughts here I hope you don’t mind .my partner was very abusive and I’m just so upset with myself that I wasted my life on these men one forced me to do something illegal I didn’t want.I’ve wasted my whole teenage and adult life .i now worry all the good guys are gone.I’m not ugly have a good heart so it’s got me wondering how this ended up so and many people say I can do loads better and have a lot going for me so why is it I’ve never had a good man.i never been single till now my whole life always feel for first guy showing interest

[Bananaboat]

I can totally relate. I sat there last night thinking I’ve never had fair, decent friendships or relationships, even family relationships are odd. Why?! I don’t know the answer or what to do in the future yet but it’s a painful realisation isn’t it, you’re not alone x

[minimeerkat]

from what you have briefly said, is it possible mellow that you have been given the wrong messages when you were growing up & therefore have continued believing them?
did you feel loved & secure growing up – because if you didnt its possible that you havent felt very good about yourself. and then if you have very little in the way of self worth because of believing any negative messages about yourself, the wrong sort of people are then able to sense this in you a mile off. in their eyes you are perfect because you will be vulnerable to any manipulation and/or abuse.
do you think its possible that you felt you just had to have a partner no matter what, in order to attempt to feel the things that may have been missing earlier on in your life. for example, you might have seen having a partner as the only way to feel loved & secure.
its interesting how perhaps your mum stayed with someone herself when perhaps the partner wasnt right for you all as a family. and then to not recall anything you may bring up with her. what a wonderful mum you are yourself for not wanting your own children to suffer in any way shape or form.
its so good that you are actually able to start looking at what has been going on & possible patterns in your life. sometimes its takes just one more thing to almost force us to look at things in more depth.
im hoping that when you begin counselling that this stuff can be looked at to help you finally put a stop to being treated badly by others. and that you are able to see that the messages you were perhaps given when younger were untrue, & therefore begin to see your true worth & value.
stay strong mellow, you are doing really well x

[Mellow]

I do remember not being allowed an opinion on big decisions but I don’t blame my mum she flees from abuse I left my school and family which I loved.but I later realised my father was abusive to her but had a temper to me also I think he had npd traits as I always walked on eggshells and I remember him being physical towards her on one occasion I can’t get that out my mind my mum did go back after leaving several times some of the abuse I did not see.i don’t know why I ended up like this just know I didn’t want to leave my friends and family and found it very scary new homenewschooland I always wanted to go back home that feeling didn’t leave but started being reserved after the abuse could not speak to father after what I witnessed but had to spend time with him loved him but I couldn’t form a bond ever after that I became very reserve but no one at home noticed .i hated school I was bullied for being pretty.but it all started when mum escaped my life changed

[minimeerkat]

it might be worth writing down all the things you remember from the past, as it may not only help you start to see it all a bit clearer & perhaps understand it better, but its there then to discuss with someone if & when needed.
although it was because of different reasons, i also know the upset of changing schools a lot & leaving friends behind when younger. i was bullied as well. and these things themselves can often leave you feeling quite unsettled & insecure.
i dont quite understand it myself & will have difficulty explaining it, but as an adult we can attempt to change/put right a particular relationship we had with a parent. and we try to do this through our partners as adults. for example, we find ourselves with a partner who may resemble a parent in some way & then live through it trying our hardest to get from them what we didnt actually get from the parent. only we are never able to get from our partners what we wanted from the parent – all we are actually doing is just putting ourselves through it all over again.
we dont do it consciously, but the people we choose/are drawn to as partners are never going to change & become like the parent we truly wished for. because our partners are very, very wrong for us. and if you think your dad had npd then its possible you have been attracting partners with similar characteristics /traits of this personality disorder.
sorry ive had difficulty explaining it. but what has happened in your past & the relationships youve had when younger have quite possibly influenced what problems you have then had in your adult life x

[StrongLife]

I have not had ongoing one and one I did have (short term) after a month I discovered he was stealing etc and goodness knows what else. I moved on immediately after seeking support.

Certainly had countless guys who again don’t know how to be respectful try but they are just so disrespectful to many women – some to a horrible extent and again not experiences I want to have again. Now I just walk away.

I have gone out socially and chatted to guys but really the guys are not my type or taken. I have no “time limits” ie with wanting a baby etc and really living my own life in house and doing my own thing is very peaceful.

[AloneWolf]

Same to this! All my boyfriends have cheated on me. My first boyfriend when I was a teenager slept with my best friend! That hurt. I was also bullied all the way through primary and secondary school. People always tell me I can do so much better, but I keep attracting these a******s. This is something I am going to explore with my counsellor, although I think I already know the answer and that’s that my self esteem is so low I don’t think I deserve anything better. I also have a very strong desire to want to ‘help’ and ‘rescue’ people. I just choose the wrong people that can’t/don’t want to be helped.
They say that life keeps sending you the same until you learn your lesson… Well I hope I have learned my lesson this time!! I know I deserve better than that, I am a good person… but will my unconscious mind let me truly believe that? Probably not!

[Bananaboat]

I read something that said think part of it is that we know how it feels to be left out, unappreciated, rejected or forgotten, and we don’t want anyone else to feel that. So we go over and above to help & rescue others in the way no one did for us. Which should be a good thing right? But sadly not and definitely something to work through with a counsellor – which hit a nerve with me. x

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