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    • #128890
      unity
      Participant

      I haven’t been on for a long while. But lately things have been beyond tough. I left abuse over (detail removed by moderator), rebuilt my life and home. Contact order in place but this year everything seems to have come crashing down. It started in (detail removed by moderator) whereby my ex contacted children’s services and made an allegation I physically abused our youngest daughter. A (detail removed by moderator) took place and the children were interviewed (detail removed by moderator). There was no further action, no concerns with me and my youngest stated she had told her dad I had harmed her as she felt pressured to do so by him. This parental alienation has been going on for a long time. I’m called derogatory names by him and he even uses a stupid code name in his phone to store my number. Our children are fully aware of his tactics. In (detail removed by moderator) it sites that the children do not seem happy when spending time with him and they feel under pressure to please him. He did stop seeing the children during lockdown as he told the children that if he caught covid from them he would die. Which is a hell of a burden for a young person’s shoulders. Fast forward to now. By eldest child unfortunately has developed and eating disorder and is in (detail removed by moderator). As you can imagine life has been tough supporting her and her younger siblings. My eldest wants nothing to do with her dad and she is not subject to the contact order due to her being older. She (detail removed by moderator). Our middle child is expressing the same and does not want to be (detail removed by moderator). She is becoming increasingly distressed about visiting him and having contact even via phone and she feels under pressure to please him. I think he realises this as I’ve had to take things back to court to ask if the contact order be less to take some pressure off her. She is (detail removed by moderator). I’m not sure if he is panicking as he is losing control of the children because no contact with the eldest and waning contact with middle child, but (detail removed by moderator) saying there had been allegations of physical abuse. Bear in mind this was investigated and closed. None of the allegation even involving the eldest who is in the unit. Also I had a load of bizarre allegations he sent to me yesterday saying things like, (detail removed by moderator) none of which have any evidence to and are absolutely not true. With my daughter being unwell and the impact this is having on the other siblings life is tough. I spoke with the clinic and advised them to contact childrens services as the case was closed. I asked why he contacted them about a closed case where no further action took place and the allegation didn’t even involve my daughter who is in the unit. The clinic agreed that they thought this strange and wonder about his motives. They agreed to contact children services. So I guess this may have backfired. I’ve been telling services about domestic abuse abd this emotional abuse towards me through the kids and there seems a genuine reluctance for anyone to state that there is abuse going on. This is further complicated as my ex new girlfriend is (detail removed by moderator). The kids tell me that he says to them that he won’t be with with her for long and she is living with him to pay the bills, and he calls her an (detail removed by moderator) ( he did the same to.me). I contacted children’s services yesterday and did a self referral as I said that I was worried about my children’s emotional health and they are offering me some early help through a family support worker. They will ask him to engage too. Not sure if I have done the right thing abd wondering if I have and if there is anything else I should do. Cafcass interviewed the children this week in regards to changing the contact order and there should be a (detail removed by moderator). Any advice would be appreciated

    • #128895
      littledove
      Participant

      From what I’ve read it sounds to me like you’re doing everything right.

      It seems like professionals can see through his ways and that things have back fired on him.

      I think you seem in a very good position.

      His allegations seem very twisted and vindictive. I’m glad professionals have picked up on this.

      I hope the hearing goes well and in yours and your children’s favour, please do give us an update. It’s also a good thing that your eldest doesn’t want and has decided she doesn’t want contact with him as that’s evidence that the younger children may be needing distance from him too.
      They seem very strong in that they know his ways and you must have raised them so well that they can see right through it, bravo to you xx

      My little girl is only a toddler, and I left my abuser too, he doesn’t see her, but he has popped back in a couple times to chance his luck.
      My worry is that he might try manipulate her against me when she is older and feed her lies about me. I think I need your advice on how to raise her so this never happens. I’m not sure what the right things to say to her as she grows up are. xx

    • #128904
      unity
      Participant

      Its not easy when they are so young, but I used to encourage them to think. Example my ex used to always tell the children that his maintence paid for things like a (detail removed by moderator). Basically the pittance of (detail removed by moderator) per month for 3 children was discussed with the children like it was an everlasting moneytree. He used to plead poverty to the children and I would ask them to compare what he has to mummy. They came to their own conclusion; me living in a (detail removed by moderator) with a second hand banger of a car working full time, him living in a (detail removed by moderator) and car and works part time. Things like the silly names he calls me I laugh and I say isn’t daddy silly calling names…thats what people do when they can’t act like an adult. Itaken a while for them to work out but the two have been able to see it for what it is as they have gotten older.

    • #128936
      cakepops
      Participant

      I also have an ex who has moved on with a new partner and yet if anything it has made matters worse – false allegations to social services, constant complaints about parental alienation / my parenting, and also issues with him interfering with kids getting support services. Court do pick up on these things eventually
      but it a very slow process and there seems to be a very high threshold for how bad things need to get before action is taken.

      The advice I was given was to concentrate on my own parenting as much as possible in the meantime. You are seeking all the correct support for both yourself and your children so that will be seen positively. Perhaps look at a CBT referral to help with your own mental health and also parenting courses like Triple P which are often free on NHS. You may not need these as such, but they show that you are doing whatever you can to help the situation. I have had CBT recently and I didn’t think it would help, but actually its been really useful in finding ways to deal with the relentless nature of post separation abuse.

      • #128937
        cakepops
        Participant

        I agree with this too – my ex tells the kids all sorts of lies (including like you ones about money). I never directly contradict this, but I will point out discrepancies sometimes e.g. when they say its all my fault their dad has no money one minute, and then spend the next half hour going on and on about how daddy has bought them toys, sweets, days out etc…

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