Never thought I'd be here…..

[Greystripe]

Hello all,

Firstly, thanks for accepting my request to join.

I’ve been with my husband for most of my adult life, & we have several children together. Until recently, it never even crossed my mind that our relationship might be abusive. Quite honestly, I’m still not sure whether I’m seeing things which aren’t there (+ therefore I’m the problem), or whether the subtle, but ongoing gaslighting / control dynamic is actually really there (+ I’m not crazy, it’s him!).

I’ve got no third-party to ask about this. Even if I did, from the outside perspective, my husband likely looks like a saint at the moment (& in many ways, probably is).

After we had been together for a few years, & without warning, my husband had a mental breakdown. Eventually this was diagnosed as CPTSD. Though bedore that there were years and years where I put up with his bad behaviour caused by this, whilst looking after our children and trying to shield them from the worst of it. After many years, he eventually got better through treatment.

Several years ago I started having mental health problems myself; I had no idea why. These have only gotten worse, & was diagnosed with CPTSD myself (I assumed, due to living with him during that time). However, that didn’t entirely make sense and I couldn’t put my finger on ‘why’.

After yet another ridiculous and traumatic argument recently (for me, not him), I googled ‘is it him or me’, & came across an excerpt from ‘The Gaslight Effect’. (Particularly the bits about good guy / dominator gaslighting). Suddenly the penny began to drop as I read – for the first time in years, life made sense again.

Recognising this had some major day-to-day effects for me. With a new lens through which to view interactions, I have found that some more major and disruptive symptoms I was experiencing have lessened, or gone completely (as long as I make an effort to be vigilant to it and stay in control – it’s exhausting but it beats my previous symptoms by a country mile).

It’s this new ability to influence my symptoms (not previously successful) – plus a couple of other things which suggest that maybe my body was trying to tell me things my brain was ignoring / suppressing for quite a while.
For years, I also couldn’t shake the memory of a phrase I saw once (please excuse the implied language):

“Before you decide you are crazy, make sure that everyone around you is not a ____”

I haven’t gone into detail here about his behaviour; in past years it was much more overt and was certainly abusive, but in recent years it’s small things which appear to be designed to set me on edge, have me and the children feeling bad because he’s put himself out for us (again), or sometimes it’s a series of seemingly-innocent-but-ultimately-argument-inducing questions

(Actually I tested this last week…..I saw it coming and refused to engage each time….in less than 10 minutes he tried o incite an argument with 7 or 8 separate subjects….when he realised he was getting nowhere, he declared that I ‘didn’t understand him’ and stormed off!

Anyway, the new-found realisation has been helpful, however I now find myself stuck. Quite honestly, I don’t have the energy or care for this any more – if it can bee saved, I’m not sure I want to.

I’m scared of him, I don’t trust him (or rather, I do with everyday, practical stuff – but in an emotional support, actually-having-a-relationship sense I don’t – the thought makes me nervous, scared and want to run a mile).

He declares his undying love for me often, frequently telling me that he’d do anything for me (except, of course, the things I actually need him to do – which he seems to resent me for if he actually has to do them). He used to threaten to leave when he was angry – though since I made it clear that was ok the last time he did it, he hasn’t done so since. Quite honestly a big part of me would be relieved if that happened – though I’m now quite convinced that it never will.

Due to financial circumstances, lack of support, etc – neither of us can actually go anywhere else. Our children wouldnt cope with a split either, and with the current state of my mental health I’m not sure I would cope without him at the moment (practically speaking). I would love for everything to just be ‘ok’ again and for all of this stuff to go away – but then I wonder if everything was ever really, actually, “ok”.

He keeps asking what the state of our relationship is now, and I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m not sure that he’s even aware of the way he’s behaving (there are good reasons to believe that he learned unhealthy interaction patterns as a child); however even if that is the case, I don’t know that I have the will or the energy to keep trying, this time around. But then again, in the current circumstances I don’t appear to have a choice!

Sorry for the long post and for the lack of detail, for obvious reasons I need to keep this as ambiguous as possible for the moment.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there and welcome to the forum, it’s good you found this place x

I think even when you are trying to keep it ambiguous, I can still see an abusive man in your text. And it sounds like you can, too. I think one thing that stands out is his attempts to profess love or asking about your relationship – I think he can tell something has shifted in you when you did that Google search and found out that it in fact isn’t you but him. Often when we start pulling away from them, they will try and change tactics to pull us closer to them.

You say in the past it was certainly abusive – I don’t think these men just decide to stop one day, I think they may just find another way to abuse us that perhaps in some way gives them more pleasure than the previous abusive tactic. You say you even tested him and saw through how he tried to start arguments using many different topics in a short timespan. That to me reads as a man who wants to start an argument for no other reason than to have an argument. Just because he has CPTSD and has learned behaviour from his childhood doesn’t give him an excuse to abuse you and it’s certainly not your job to “fix” him – the abusive part of him would likely still be there even if his CPTSD was addressed.

Even if you have doubts about whether he is being abusive or not, you sound like you want out but feel stuck. There is always a way out. Have you ever called WA and spoken with them? With them you can be completely honest and perhaps explain in more detail how you experience his abuse and they will be able to validate your experience and also help you plan a way out if that is the route you wish to take. Rights of Women can help with the legal aspects. There is help out there, there is support out there, children are resilient and can certainly cope with a split, they might very well be better off with a happy mum free of abuse than staying x

There is always a choice, sometimes we are just that deep in the fog that we can’t see it x Please consider calling WA and talk it through, they can help you find the choice x Keep posting x

[Greystripe]

Thank you for your message, AlwaysSorry. I was somewhat blindsided to read your second paragraph you can ‘see an abusive man’…. this is the first time I’ve mentioned any of this to anyone, so for someone else to see it too – well, I’m really grateful to you – thank you.

Everything is confusing at the moment but I’m very glad I found this forum & I’ll keep posting. Thanks again x.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi and welcome.

I totally recognise that feeling of no longer feeling anything for him, being so tired of his drama and acting out that you can’t react any longer. Not trusting him to be your partner.
Walking in the fog for so very long is exhausting, and waking up to the abuse adds a heavy layer to carry with you.

Be careful now that you are aware. Calling him out can be dangerous, and when he starts to see you regain your self he could ramp up the treatment, the bad moods, the abuse. He could even become violent.

Please be careful. Call WA and talk through a safety plan.

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