- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hello, I’m a newbie. I don’t really no where or how to even start as iv never spoken about this to anyone openly so it feels like I’m in a tornado so I’ll just start by saying hello and I hope everyone is ok.
I guess I find myself hear because I have kept this a secret from everyone I no now for about (detail removed by Moderator)years up until I saw my care worker last (detail removed by Moderator). I had no intention of telling her as i find it easier to lie about my life and how happy and amazing it is. Just got married and been attacked twice once in (detail removed by Moderator) and at home both from my husband. Last attact i was a punched in the back of my head witch resulted in loss of sight in my left eye..i lied to the medical staff and said I banged my head but they knew I was lying..im so confused and my head is battered with so much stuff to the point were I just have a blank look on my face thinking empty thoughts because I can’t focus or even have the brain space to think about my future or a way to fix this. I feel lost..alone..scared and confused and to top it all of I’m trying to keep my Bipolar Disorder stable so I can function enough to get out of bed.
I should have left the first time he attacked me before we got married but I’m the silly one to believe his lies..made to feel guilty and sorry for him…
I’m right at the beginning of this journey and I have no idea what each day holds.
Thank u for reading..x -
Hi Joanne,
Welcome to the forum and I’m sorry to hear of what you have been going through. Well done for posting, it takes a huge amount of courage and the facing of incredible pain to admit that our partners are deliberately hurting us.
When you can, give the helpline a call plus your local domestic abuse team. Sometimes the former is hard to get through to but they can ring you back I believe. They are staffed by amazing ladies who totally understand and won’t judge you, and they will give you good advice too.
Unfortunately as you may know, abuse escalates so the most important thing to think about is your safety. Don’t let him know you’ve been seeking help and if and when you plan to leave, make sure he doesn’t know any of your plans. If you are planning to leave there are safety plans online plus the helplines can help you with that too.
If you google the Power and Control Wheel and Cycle of Abuse plus Pat Craven’s resources it should help you make more sense of things. There is also an excellent book called ‘Why Does he Do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft which I found extremely helpful.
Keep going and keep posting. xx
-
Hello SunshineRain Flower,
Thank u so much..such a lovely reply. I will look at those things u suggested so thank u very much for that. He doesn’t no about any of this or my plans but then again I don’t even no my plans for definite yet but what I do no is I can’t be in this situation anymore or with a man who thinks it’s ok to punch..strangle..beat..ect+to say its my fault because I didn’t say the right words. Over the (detail removed by Moderator)years it’s gone from throwing things at me to actual bodily harm so I can see how its escalating. Its also mind games and the guilt I feel. But then again am I to blame..could it be all my fault..it certainly feels so..
-
Hello and welcome. Please do not blame yourself. Thesecabusers are responsible for their own actions. They know exactly what they are doing. They choose to behave that way. They thrive on secrecy. He can control his temper when witnesses are about. You can ring 101 and speak to the domestic abuse police. If youre scared you can ring 999 and get the police to come out. Meantime keep a secret journal of his behaviour. It helps to make sense of things and is a good record for police and court should you ever need it x
-
You’re definitely not to blame, he is choosing to abuse you. It’s a classic sign of abuse to think you are to blame, because abusers condition us to blame ourselves, it is one of the key ways they keep us trapped. They use gaslighting, guilt tripping, lying, denying, minimising, victim and hero playing and all sorts of other tactics to get us from seeing the truth.
It sounds like you are waking up to it all which is very positive. Please keep safe. You could look into refuges too, not to alarm you but it sounds like you need to get out as soon as you can as he is already physically violent. Have you reported any of the abuse to the police? What about speaking to your GP about it?
Definitely ring the helpline to get some plans in place. You could start packing a bag of your most important belongings like documents etc, somewhere he wouldn’t see it and do it in a way not to make him suspicious. Then you will be ready and prepared to get out at an impromptu moment. They are at the most dangerous when we try to leave so you have to do it when they are not expecting it and don’t tell them your plans or where you are going. Then you go no contact, access various support and can start building a safe, abuse-free life. xx
-
P.S I second what Kip said about keeping a log of all abuse. Photograph things like any bruises and evidence of assault, violence in the home etc, keep all emails and texts, keep a log with dates and times. This can later be used as evidence and it is invaluable for keeping you safe and also if you prosecute.
-
-
Hi Joanne,
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for posting. It must have taken a lot of courage to reach out so I hope you find the support you are looking for here. Well done for talking to your care worker too.
As already suggested please do try to call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 when you are able to. The Helpline Workers will not judge you or tell you what to do but can listen to you and discuss options based on your circumstances. It is a busy service so there is a voicemail to leave your details with convenient and safe time to receive a call back.
Your local support group will also be able to offer you ongoing emotional and practical support. You can find details of your local group here.
Your husband is the only person responsible for his abusive behaviour. There is never a valid reason for any abuse to happen and you deserve to be able leave without fear. Only you can decide what your next step will be but we will be here for you along the way so please do keep posting to us.
Best wishes,
Lisa
-
Hey Lovely
Welcome to the forum, so sorry to hear what you have experienced, dont worry u not alone, u will get so much support of the ladies from here . These men really blow us away with their mind games and tatics, and actually have us feeling guilty or questioning ourselves when we know we are not in the wrong, def report he abuse to your gp , its good to have a log . The whole process of leaving these men can feel quite stressful and scary thats why its good to have positive support around u. DEf dont let him know of your plans, call the help line , they are really supportive and listen , u will feel so much better. Callthe help line and make a escape plan that suits u.
-
-
Get into a refuge as soon as possible.
Women’s Aid and your GP can help you with that.
You deserve better.
I did the same.
He beat me black and blue and I still married him a few weeks later.
It is as it is, but you do not have to stay. There is a way out again.Call 999 if you feel frightened. You do not need to talk. You can let them listen to his rants. That is evidence in the court.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
