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Hi. I´ve been reading this forum for a week now. I don´t know where to start. It feels strange, wrong. Difficult to explain. It makes me sad writing this, because I don´t want to believe it´s happening. I´ve been married to my husband for (detail removed by moderator) now, being together for (detail removed by moderator). We don´t have any children. I had a miscarriage (detail removed by moderator) ago. I am not sure I want to have a child with him now. Until recently I haven´t been aware this is happening. I will start when I started notice things. It was (detail removed by moderator), when I noticed I am under a lot of stress for some reason, my anxiety worsened, I lost my period. I was beginning to think I was going crazy. He was constantly telling me this. That I need therapy, because I was apparently accusing of things he didn´t do. No, he didn´t storm out of (detail removed by moderator) and left me there, then when I ran after him (stupid) threw his (detail removed by moderator) on the floor and then step on it. He claimed it was an accident. So (detail removed by moderator), I had to move out, because he physically attacked me when he was drunk. To this day he claimed it didn´t happen. I moved out, took care of my dog custody and went to a hotel. I blocked him everywhere and then I saw that he sent me a text asking if I moved out and that´s it. I didn´t answer. I took a sick leave (detail removed by moderator), went to the doctor. She insisted I go to the police with the note she wrote. After talking to a therapist, I decided to go back home and locked him out. When he came home in the evening, he couldn´t get in, but I already put his things in front of the door. He stayed with a friend for a while, then he begged me to take him back. I later found out he couldn´t find a place to stay! Not because he loved me. He is full of himself. I catch him looking himself in window reflection. He doesn´t listen to my ideas, or belittles them. I have to like certain things because he does. Constantly wanting my approval, he comes to the living room naked and then he is insulted if I am on (detail removed by moderator) and not looking at him. He puts his hand in my pants while I am cooking or doing laundry and then he is offended if I don´t react. I am now in honeymoon phase I guess. I had to admit I was guilty for last fight although he was rude, violent (he broke a (detail removed by moderator) and I am very sentimental – he knows this), he was feeling sorry for himself on social media. He is very likable, my best friend he surprised him a lot. he has a big audience and everytime he is the centre of attention.
I can not believe this is happening. I can not accept the fact this is the man I married and loved. It´s not possible, is it? -
Hey and welcome. Sadly it’s true. Even your GP advised you go to the police and they would not do that lightly. We don’t want to believe that the person we love and trust is actually deliberately hurting us. Try to get support from your local women’s aid and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. This man knows exactly what he is doing and he chooses to abuse you. My ex was all friendly and charismatic until the door closed. So he knew he was doing wrong because he abused me in secret. Abuse always gets worse and you won’t win an argument because they simply lie and gaslight and deny. Google gaslighting. Google the cycle of abuse x
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Hi Flyhigh,
Every relationship has Relationship Conflict. This is normal. The difference between Relationship Conflict and Relationship ABUSE is Fear. If you are becoming fearful of your partner’s behaviour, such as smashing things of sentimental value (on purpose or in a ‘tantrum’), fearful of sexual advances, fearful that you are ‘losing your mind’ due to the gas-lighting, fearful of saying something in case it starts an argument and accusations, fearful of making decisions in case they are the ‘wrong ones’ and will lead to something scary, then you are in an abusive relationship. Some women are fearful of their partner, some are scared, some are downright terrified. Your husband sounds like he has some insecurities, however, these are HIS problems, not yours, and you do not need to take the brunt of them, be held responsible for them or feel as if you need to fix them. He is responsible for his own behaviour, even when drunk. Please do not feel confused about what he is doing, it IS abuse towards you. You do not have to tolerate this.
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It started again today. We were watching the news while having a coffee break. We were talking and commenting, but then we had a different opinion about some topic. I said something and he said (detail removed by moderator). I was confused and asked why. And then he said because I gave that comment (different than his). He is now sulking, I had to apologize, but he is walking angrily around the house.
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Thank you for your replies.
I am assuming today will be a cold day again. It was a cold evening, he apologized – but said that if I haven´t said that, he wouldn´t react. It was the same for the last fight – he said that only if he gets very mad I learn. Afterwards he also said that he hopes I learned but he has no other choice. Same with destroying things. He does that to me to teach me. When he ´apologized´ for breaking the coffee cup I believe now it was not an honest apology.
There are so many things I was unaware it´s wrong and I thought I deserve them. When I connect the dots I can see the clear picture. I just can not admit it to myself. -
It takes time once you realise he’s doing all,this deliberately. Time to get your mind round that thought. It’s beyond devastating but once you know he’s deliberately hurting you sadly the trust has gone and things will bpnever be the same again. Even his excuses are pathetic. I’m hurting you and destroying sentimental things you love to teach you a lesson. Only a monster hurts us then says it’s for our own good. Sad pathetic delusional but dangerous. Abuse always gets worse. How much hurt does he think is appropriate. It’s only going to get worse as abuse always does. Physically attacking you, he completely denies it but you know one hundred percent it happened and is very likely to happen again. You can see his behaviour escalating. Reach out to your local women’s aid and keep working on a safe exit plan. As a rule I always ask myself it that’s the way I would behave or would I want my best friend/mum/sister treated this way. Stay safe and look after yourself, because he won’t x
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