• This topic has 18 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Lisa.
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    • #55852
      Pixies
      Participant

      Hi, I want to explain how things are and get others perspective on what is going on please 🙂
      Not sure where to start…

      I’ve been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator). He’s always been kind of emotionally unstable/volatile.
      Since I was (detail removed by moderator) there’s been problems with sex. If I didn’t want it I was frigid and boring, and told at some point that men leave their wives because they “don’t put out enough”. From then til now, if he’s trying it on and I’m not interested he pesters and keeps trying and trying, and if I say no he will get angry and sulk. Or get angry and tell me I don’t love him (he seems to think sex is the way you show love) Then I feel bad, and end up doing it when I don’t want to. I’ve even been in tears (quietly) and also felt so angry that I do it hard and hurt myself. I’ve cried after too often.
      He even acted this was two weeks after I’d given birth.

      I find him difficult to talk to about problems, if he perceives it as a criticism he gets angry and everything is my fault.

      He blames our eldest for lots of things, he hates her, she’s (detail removed by moderator) now, and he’s been physically angry with her several times. Barely controlling his anger.

      He’s hit/kicked the dog in anger when he’s been naughty,upsetting everyone. I feel awful I should have rehomed the dog. I should’ve removed the children. I don’t know why I’m so weak.

      I have a bipolar diagnosis and have most problems with depression. He doesn’t support me, blames me a lot, he hasn’t financially supported us for the last (detail removed by moderator). I’ve begged him to work before when work has been making me quite ill.

      The latest is, on (detail removed by moderator) he became very angry in the morning over something not very big. He said he couldn’t wait til our eldest daughter was (detail removed by moderator) so he could punch her in the face. I said something to that, he got angry at me and he came at me and I thought he might hit me. When we talked about that he said he was angry and felt like head butting the wall, I told him that as he was directing it at me it looked like he was going to hurt me.
      We didn’t talk from (detail removed by moderator), he packed his things and left for two days. When he came back we hardly said two words and didn’t talk til yesterday morning, when he asked if I was sure (I had told him I was done with our marriage for good) and I said yes.
      It seemed kind of mutual.
      Then last night I went to sleep in with one of the kids, he saw then got his things and went out to the car. I went out and he came back in. We both talked about how we were feeling and how horrible it was. Then he got angry, told me the separation would get nasty, he would force me to sell the house. He said he blamed our eldest for trying to break us up and blamed me for allowing her behaviour to go on (he always blames me for allowing this or that). He went in the lounge, and I sat in bed terrified that he was going to go and work himself into a rage and kick off. It was either that or he was going to leave, and as I was worried about his state of mind I would’ve phoned the police.
      After 2hrs he came back in, got into bed and wrapped himself round me really tight telling me that I was his and I wasn’t going anywhere, we were a team and we’re going to work it out.
      I just wanted to cry.

      Today he was all over me this morning and now it’s like nothing happened. He will want sex tonight, and if I don’t oblige that will kick things off again.

      I don’t know what to do.
      Sorry this is so long

      Xx

    • #55865
      Serenity
      Participant

      I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through, Pixies.

      I can sympathise because my ex husband also demonised my older child. When I told him that he was the adult, our child was the child and he should handle things in a ( more mature) different way, he looked at me like I was talking a different language. This is because they are emotionally like children themselves.

      At the same time, they are threatening and dangerous. After all, they are in a strong adult body. And the psychological damage they do is dreadful.

      Your ex sounds dreadful- aggressive, inappropriate, cruel and threatening. Pleas don’t let him make you think it is somehow your fault. These abusers will use a victim’s vulnerabilities or illnesses against them.

      He certainly doesn’t own you. His end behaviour was designed to make you think that you didn’t have a choice- like you were being being coerced into thinking that you were a ‘team.’
      Well, for starters, a team has a moral code it abides by.

      He cannot expect to continue as he is. These abusers behave like they do be agsectgey believe they can. They think once they have ensnared us with marriage, or a house, children etc that not only do they not need to put any effort in, but they can throw their weight around too, and take everything out on us and their children.

      You and your kids deserve to be treated with kindness and to live without fear.

      The hairs stood up on my back when I read that your ex had told you that you were a ‘team.’ My ex had never behaved like he and I were a team- it was more like master and servant; yet when he felt he was losing power, he’s say we were a ‘team’ to try to make me feel my identity and loyalty was with him and his abuse.

      The day I rang Women’s Aid was the day my life changed. I was forced to local help and I was carried through the whole process of getting away.

      My ex threatened to make my life hell if I left, and he threatened to make the kids and I destitute. It didn’t happen like he wanted: yes, I had to go through various struggles and am still. It completely out of the woods yet, but I could dance thinking that I managed to escape his regime. There is support out there for you – you don’t need to suffer alone and put up with his abuse forever x

      • #55867
        starryeyed
        Participant

        My ex didn’t use the term team, but he referred us to being a power couple who could get through anything so long as we worked through it!!!

    • #55866
      starryeyed
      Participant

      Hi Pixies,

      Welcome to the forum, it is really good that you are coming on here and getting some support. Don’t be sorry for the long post, it’s good to talk and the women here are really helpful and you can get advice and support that is non-judgemental.

      I am really sorry to read what you are going through. I swear these men all go and learn these behaviours at a school or something because bits of what you say sound similar to what I experienced.

      You posted this in ‘is it abuse?’ and from reading what you wrote, I think it definitely is abuse, emotionally, financially and sexually. I’m really worried about you and your children and pet – he has hurt your pet, is threatening to cause physical harm to both you and your daughter.

      He is threatening you in so many other ways too – empty threats to leave you, make your separation difficult .etc. He is enjoying this drama he is creating – he comes back to you because he never intends to leave but he wants you to be confused and upset and walking on eggshells with him. I think it is scary how he came back and told you that you are his and you are not going anywhere – he makes it sound like he owns you. He does not own you.

      You are not weak, not at all. You are living in an abusive environment and that is really confusing and difficult for you and your children. I’m thinking about you tonight and I really hope you are safe.

      I would recommend calling the Women’s Aid helpline if you can – leave a voicemail with a safe number they can contact you back on and a time for them to ring – they are good at calling you back. Or contact your local Women’s Aid, I found I got in touch with them quicker and got advice on the phone and face to face. They will be able to support you and talk things through with you. If you feel you are in danger then do call the police.

      Take care of yourself and keep posting <3 x*x

    • #55883
      Pixies
      Participant

      Thank you everyone xx
      Well, he’s been on good behaviour. No trying it on, which was a surprise. And when I realised after the TV went off last night that I was worried about going to bed, I know that I definitely don’t belong here.
      This is what I find confusing, that everything just ticks along and is normal, so it doesn’t feel like an abusive relationship.
      He keeps hugging me and kissing my shoulders in bed, like a hundred times, I told him to stop it because his stubble rubs – I always seem to need an acceptable excuse to avoid offending. But is that just me? Or is that a behaviour learned by responses in the past? Is it that I’m unloving and hurtful by what I do or don’t do? It’s really confusing.
      I feel that emotionally he NEEDS me, but in a can’t cope without you way, really needy. And it’s always been that way. And when he thinks he’s losing me he gets very possessive and scared.
      I just know I’m happier when he’s not here.

    • #55917
      Pixies
      Participant

      I don’t think this is an abusive relationship. I think it’s just dysfunctional? Apart from the sex bit, doing things purely for his own satisfaction rather than anything else.
      I don’t know how it can be abusive if he is nice most of the time.
      I don’t love him, I don’t want to be with him, maybe I’m skewing things with my own feelings.
      We had sex last night, I didn’t really want to but I pretended, because I know that’s what he wanted and I’d rather get it over with for a few days. I just wanted to kill myself after. I hate doing it to myself. I don’t love him, I’m repulsed by him, it’s disgusting to have sex 🙁
      We had a small argument last night because I said something which was me taking the mick a little over something he said but only jokingly, I came downstairs into the bedroom and he threw such a glare at me, and I said what have I done as he looked really angry and I hadn’t thought what I said was that bad.
      He explained that he had taken it as me having a dig at him because I’ve accused him of starting arguments and blowing up over things, and he was having an argument with me in his head when I walked in. He wasn’t expecting me to walk in in the middle of his argument which was why he glared at me, he hadn’t meant to. Even though when I said, what have I done, he continued with the looks and angry body language. He sees it differently.

      Oops, I’m going to be late for work…..

    • #55923
      enofadov
      Participant

      So many parts of this I could have written myself.
      My husband tries to cuddle me and kiss me in bed even after we’ve discussed such serious things and spoken about sexual problems and it makes me so confused and the if I’m saying no or making excuses it makes me feel so bad and dramatic. I’ve often initiated sexual contact just because we haven’t for a few days and I worry about his mood if I don’t. I haven’t taken part in it for so long it’s all for him.
      I think for me and you we could carry on by ourselves and say it’s just a slightly disfunctiinal relationship but it’s the children I’m concerned about and that’s where maybe we need to get our strength to protect them?? It worries me your husband saying he wants to punch your eldest in the face?? And surely that would be worse than how nasty he says he is going to make things for you if you split??
      Your post has helped me so much by the way to hear that someone else feels the same. I feel relief almost when we argue as if it’s near the end and then he’ll cuddle me and say we will work hard to save this…..

    • #56064
      Pixies
      Participant

      I can’t deal with the stress I’m feeling, it is making it hard to breathe, I feel sick, my stomach is in pain.
      I feel like I’m making a mountain from a mole hill, and things aren’t bad. But I’ve been feeling very pressured into having sex/sexual contact of some kind since I gave it up a couple of days ago. Normally it would be a few days before he wants it again, but it’s been every day, I just want to cry.
      It’s like a test of if I love him. In his mind.
      “I should be trying more, using toys if he wants, dressing up, doing things to myself to turn him on”
      I’m sick of hearing him offer help and go running to all sorts of people, when if I ask him to help more at home or get a job to help financially, he doesn’t and hasn’t for years.
      He brought up teamwork again, in respect of (detail removed by Moderator), and clearing the (detail removed by Moderator) of his stuff – I said oh I see teamwork happens when you want help with stuff, he laughed at that.
      Yeah, very funny.
      I don’t know how to end this relationship. It’s too hard. I just want to run away, but I can’t. I really can’t handle this stress.

    • #56086
      Pixies
      Participant

      Last night he was trying it on again. I told him I didn’t want it, but he carried on. I then tend to mess about and use humour to cover the fact I would otherwise be unwilling and angry, and he got in a huff with me and stopped. Next thing, he’s picked his iPad up and starting watching lesbian porn. So I demand the sleeping bag and was going to sleep in the lounge. We had another argument. I’ve now told him several times I don’t want to be in this relationship, and the reasons why, and even that I don’t love him any more. Everything I said was pretty much turned on me, and maybe it all is my fault, he said I am like Jekyll and Hyde, maybe I am, I don’t know, but he can’t accept that I want to leave. He’s said he’ll get a job and change, but in a way which suggests I am making him do this and it will be used as ammunition and thrown back in my face in future. I told him that too. And it felt like everything he concedes to will come with a condition, it always has done, and it’s nearly always sexual. I can’t be any more honest with him.

    • #56087
      KIP.
      Participant

      Google cycle of abuse and ring the helpline number on here x

    • #56106
      enofadov
      Participant

      This is horrible Pixies…..so familiar and I feel for you so much. Do you think you are clear on wanting to leave him but just don’t know how??
      I hope you can get some help from the helpline for the logistics of how you could get free.
      Thank you for sharing this though as you have again made me realise that a husband asking his wife to dress up, buying horrible outfits and sulking if she doesn’t do certain things is not normal??
      You need to be strong now and use all these ladies on here to give you support and advice to get out now x*x

    • #56130
      Pixies
      Participant

      Thanks x
      Yesterday he wasn’t talking to me when I got back from work, then I found an email sent from him which I wish I could share on here. I showed a friend who I trust to give a fair opinion and he was disgusted by husbands attitude to sex (the email was all about how I’ve lied, he married me based on a lie, that I never intended to “have sex with him” – meaning in the ways he wants, that my version of love is weird “it seems more like entrapment for your own personal lust, not love!” – which my friend said was the clearest example of projection he had seen, that he’s been used, betrayed, and his life stolen). And my stress went into overdrive.

      I replied, but whatever I said was twisted.

      Then the tone became, the only thing I’ve ever wanted from you is X,y,z, are these too much to ask, I never mean to hurt you, I love you, why are these a problem for you?

      So then I’m questioning why are they a problem for me? They aren’t unusual, perverted requests (in a healthy loving relationship), what would make it so we could be happy? What could we both do?

      So I conceded to trying to work it out, I think.
      After that my brain broke, I think the stress did something to me, and I didn’t really feel mentally well.
      I had a drink, popped a pill and crashed out. I was already exhausted anyway.

      This morning I feel like I don’t know what I even think any more.

      I don’t know how I’m going to call the helpline, I’m either at work or at home with husband as he doesn’t work 🙁
      I tried to use Relates online chat counselling service but I was waiting in a queue for half an hour and had to get off.

    • #56138

      Focus on getting the space to phone the helpline.
      when i phoned years ago I had to sit in the middle of a field (full of rabbits) so that no one would hear.
      It was a surreal moment, but ok. Another time I received a call organising refuge in a children’s
      park in the corner where it was quieter.

      What about ‘normal’ excuses you could make?
      Off to get some tampax I’ve run out? (phone in supermarket car park).
      or similar

      it’s really important, please don’t put it off, just start the ball rolling
      all best
      ftc

    • #56140
      Pixies
      Participant

      He just messaged to say we have an appointment at Relate on (detail removed by Moderator).
      Even getting that message has triggered stress and I’m not sure why.
      It’s the sex therapy (obviously) but I hope they can see what’s going on.

      This whole thing blew up because of his temper over something, and has ended with our poor sex life being my fault and the main cause of everything.

      I get that I make him feel bad by not usually wanting intimacy, but I don’t know what he thinks otherwise.

      I will make an excuse to get on the phone

      • #56225
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi Pixies,

        I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You have described serious sexual assault and rape, this is not normal in a healthy and loving relationship. Perpetrators have issues around power and control and it sounds like he is using sex in this way. These men have no respect for women and the fact that he was viewing porn is evidence of this.

        You are not making a mountain out of a molehill, this is an abusive relationship. This man hurts women, children and animals. You have mentioned that he has made an appointment for Relate regarding sex therapy. Relationship counselling is not safe in abusive situations as the dynamics of the relationship are not equal. As others have mentioned, please try to find a safe time to call the helpline or your local domestic abuse service.

        The National Domestic Violence Helpline can be called on 0808 2000 247. It is available 24/7 and calls are answered by trained female support workers. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk things through.

        Alternatively, contact your local domestic abuse service who should be able to allocate you a support worker.

        Please don’t blame yourself or think you are doing anything wrong. He is sexually abusive and why would you want to be intimate with someone that treats you that way?

        Take care and keep posting

        Best Wishes,

        Lisa

    • #56152
      enofadov
      Participant

      I rang the helpline but they needed time to ring back so I tried my local one and got straight through….try and fine the time…maybe a medical or beauty appointment where you can have a good hour??

      My husband says the same thing….one you’ve agreed to be with someone surely you should want to please them….sometimes I think it’s just the way it’s going to be and I should deal with it??? Like you said, probably normal for some people?? But then other times it all feels so wrong I can’t breathe.
      What do you feel when you think about not being with him?? Do you feel relief or more sadness?? I’m glad you’ve someone to talk to and share things with.

      I found our couples counselling the start of realisation. Husband forced me to go but the counsellor caught my eye within minutes and I could tell she knew what was up. After 2 sessions she asked to see us both separately and I found the strength to open up….she warned me that she predicts my husband will next ask for sex therapy.

      You atequite within your rights to not want intimacy, especially with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and pressurised to do things. I found if ever I did things they were never good enough and he just had more demands anyway.
      Keep posting x*x

    • #56153
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi Pixies, I’ve not been on the site for a little while but have just read through your thread. I am so sorry you are going through this tough time! It can be so confusing and stressful. I just had to reply when I saw that he has arranged an appointment with Relate. Please be very careful. It is not recommended to attend couples counselling with these men. If you are lucky enough like enofadov above who found a counsellor who recognised the true situation, you may find it helpful. But if the counsellor does not recognise the signs, and is drawn in by him you may find yourself in an even more confusing, self-blaming position. Abusers are notorious at convincing others that you are the ‘crazy one’. I can highly recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does he do that?”. Perhaps you could keep it at work and read it in your breaks? Please be very careful as these men will ramp up the abuse if they see that you are becoming aware of what they are doing, and feel they are losing control.

      Take care, xx

    • #56159
      Brewsandshoes
      Participant

      Hi Pixies. Please do trust yourself. I could have written lots of your post myself – the picking on our oldest and the idea of us being “a team”. I was actually just sitting here wrestling with similar doubts to you. He just behaves like everything is OK – apart from when he’s being horrible. He tells me he loves me – but then treats me like I’m mad when I get upset or angry.

      But I have spoken to the national helpline, and had contacts with the local service. And they all tell me to trust my feelings, and that his behaviour is controlling and coercive. And how he has to be the grown up if our child is being – well a child.

      It’s still hard. I still feel lonely and overwhelmed. But the support I’ve had from services and on here gives me something to hold on to.

      Good luck with everything.

    • #56176
      Wits End
      Participant

      Pixies, this is not about you and him, it’s about something far greater, it’s about safe guarding your children. Look at what you have written;

      “He blames our eldest for lots of things, he hates her, she’s (detail removed by moderator) now, and he’s been physically angry with her several times. Barely controlling his anger.
      He’s hit/kicked the dog in anger when he’s been naughty,upsetting everyone. I feel awful I should have rehomed the dog. I should’ve removed the children. I don’t know why I’m so weak.” – and also he wants to punch the eldest in the face?

      You have said it yourself “I should’ve removed the children”. You know what you need to do, but you want someone to validate it for you, but you have validated it yourself in what you have written.

       

      (detail removed by moderator)

      Once you are out of this situation, you can then start to work on yourself as well as your children, and you should seek all the help you can get. Try and seek an initial consultation with a family lawyer who specialises in domestic violence work. Go on the law society website and find a lawyer in your area using your postcode. Initial consultations will usually be free if you ask for it, and you may well be entitled to legal aid. Ask the lawyer what his or her view is on safeguarding your children. Don’t yo-yo, not when your children are involved, you need to make decisions because it will affect their health and well being and you need to put them FIRST.

      I am in a similar situation myself, but I don’t have children, and by the way, Relate would not see us together, so we didn’t go, but if you go, much better I would suggest that you go alone. It’s hard to come to terms with being “played” by someone you trusted and loved, but who has a different vision to yours as to what trust, love, respect and integrity are. Listen to your inner voice, to your gut, 5/10 minutes alone a day to listen to yourself, will start to tell you what you need to do.

      Many of us in abusive relationships look for validation from professionals as to why we find ourselves in the situation we are in, but in reality, we don’t need that validation, because we already know something isn’t right, and that’s why we come on to these forums, we actually know, but we are afraid of the consequences. DM me if you wish to, I have time to listen and help where I can, and best of luck, but start taking action for yourself, and more importantly, for the sake of your children.
      WE xx

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