New and feeling guilty

[mysunflower]

Hi all, I am new to this and genuinely just needing some advice from someone who isn’t a family member or a close friend as i appreciate it can be hard for them to tell you the truth. Also i feel they are sick of giving the same advice over and over again.
I have very recently split from my partner who I have known for many but been together for a few years, (again!) this is not the first time this has happened however this time i feel a little different about the situation, like i’m really ready this time, however i have this awful feeling of guilt hanging over me which i feel is probably more because we have (detail removed by moderator) children together who are still very young and do not understand what is happening, but are old enough to know he isn’t here anymore, even worse he is now (detail removed by moderator) away from where we live because that’s where his family are. I now feel guilty that he has to start over and find a job etc. Lockdown certainly doesn’t help the travelling situation as neither of us drive.
Anyway I can’t help but second guess my choice, our relationship was toxic from the start, it started with him isolating me from my friends, not letting me out and if i did go out i would receive abusive messages until i came home. By the time i realised the red flags it was to late and i was pregnant, i hoped and prayed that this would change him but of course, it didn’t, infact things were only worse, the day i told him i was pregnant he told me to have an abortion as he didn’t believe it was his, this was because i called him out on him looking for an escort and also other porn sights on my phone may i add!, he kicked me out heavily pregnant and threw all my things out in the garden too, because he accused me of ‘looking at a boy in the supermarket, from then on i decided to look at the floor if we ever went anywhere, and still feel uneasy if a boy walks past us in the street even now, even though i seen evidence of him speaking to and maybe even going with other girls mainly at the beginning of our relationship (he may have just got better at hiding it) sometimes the arguments would get physical and he would push me and spit at me, there was also a time when he bit my nose then completely denied it until the point i even second guessed if it happened! the day he twisted my arm up my back when i was holding our newborn son was the day i left to be close to my family, however i was young and scared of being a single mum and gave him another chance, shortly after i fell pregnant for the second time, i was miserable and depressed, i felt that this was it, i was really stuck with him forever, his behaviour did not change even with our (detail removed by moderator) child. Shortly after this time i also found out he was checking my underwear (he thought i had someone round whilst he was at work when really i spent all day looking after our children) When i gave birth was the first time he had gotten a full time job so i was keeping us afloat for the first few years, when he started to pay for things he would then ask me for the gifts/money back.
Recently he started buying me gifts etc for no reason even when he new we were talking about him leaving he never asked for any of these back though (i don’t know why he did this)
When i bring up the past and the stuff he did he says i have mental health issues and i need help, like i’m making it all up, or just being a drama queen which genuinely makes me wonder if that’s the truth. He calls my family names and uses things that have happened in my past against me (which i told him in confidence)

The physical abuse hasn’t happened in a long time, and the verbal abuse and name calling happens when arguments start, however he can have bad mood swings and bring a bad energy around the home that really brings me down, it also became very difficult for me to be able to be intimate with him which caused a lot of tension between us, the reason being for this is he has said things about my body on many occasions that unfortunately are impossible for a woman to forget, i also don’t feel attracted to him in that way anymore which also makes me feel guilty.
As it stands at the moment I am alone with my children worrying about money now there is only my income coming into the household and he is asking me can he come back (once again). It’s difficult because on the occasion when we would do something as a family (day out etc) I would enjoy myself and wouldn’t want anything else for my kids but then in reality i feel something is missing from our relationship and i just cannot be happy and My heart breaks for my children however I am willing to do everything to co-parent them. He has a really good way of making me feel sorry for him, saying things like he loves me, he’s lost everything, he doesn’t want to live where he is, he wants to be a family. We haven’t yet seen each other since the break up but will have to soon as he will need to see the children.

(Just to clarify i would say this relationship was definitely more emotional abuse rather than physical however there were a few occasions on which this happened) There were also many occasions when he broke my personal belongings including at least (detail removed by moderator) phones, my television, laptop etc all in fits of rage. The police were called on a few separate occasions, 1 of them being when he took my son and refused to give him back (seems to be his way of hurting me the most through my children) I also want to add that I have not been an angel and unfortunately have gone as low as him at some points. (i suppose the if you can’t beat em join em approach)
I would also like to add that there are times where we get along and have a laugh but i think for me it’s more on a friendship basis, however I’m still very unsure about this.

At the moment i feel on a high enjoying it just being me and the kids and having my own routine, however in the past this has always fizzled out after a few weeks then i crumble and let him back, what should i do if this happens again? And how long till i feel permanently happy with being alone with the children as having toddlers can be very hard?

So i guess the question is should i feel guilty? And why do i?

Thank you for taking the time to read this long post, sorry for rambling on, it seems once I started I couldn’t stop and I also missed a lot of it out!
X

[Lottieblue]

Hello Mysunflower!
Well done you, firstly for getting out and secondly for coming in here!
I can tell you for absolute sure that you have come to the right place for advice as there are some very, very wise people in here. Sadly I don’t think I’m one of them, I’m afraid I take advice more than I give (maybe that will change as things resolve themselves for me) but I know that someone will be along soon to share their wisdom with you.
I just wanted you to know that you are not being ignored!
Hang in there! X

[Iwantmeback]

HI there and welcome to the forum. Yes that feeling of guilt, it’s awful, weighs us down terribly. But guess what, it’s not your guilt to carry. He did this, he’s broken up the family, not you. You’ve been the better parent, the one prepared to protect their children, show them boundaries. Look up the cycle of abuse and the FOG of abuse, also trauma bonding, can be known as Stockholm syndrome.
That feeling of missing him will pass, you’re weaning yourself off a drug basically- him.
Keep posting, keep learning. I’m not long out of my relationship, not even my first anniversary yet, but I can see that I’m getting stronger emotionally. That sicky feeling is still there, worse someday than others, usually when ìm preparing to do something else that’ll break another of those ties that bind us. But I’m also recognising that once ive done it, the feeling goes away.
Its s..t the journey we’ve to go on, especially when we thought this was it, partners for life, but it didn’t say somewhere that I’d to exclude family and friends, to feel trapped, to cater fir his every whim, to take his childish behaviour, be a doormat.
Keep posting, the more your reality becomes normal the less his will appeal.
Stay strong
IWMB 💞💞

[mysunflower]

thank you for your replies, i really appreciate the advice, today is bad day but i’m trying to stay strong, he has not long messaged me asking ‘why i have moved on so quick’ of course i have not its only been (detail removed by moderator), but im guessing he getting this information from social media, as i have never been aloud to have the opposite sex on my social media and now i have accepted some requests, more because i want a sense of self control back, not to get to know anybody else, am i wrong for doing this so quick?
thank you x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Well done for getting out. It was either getting out or getting killed, he does come across as physically violent. Destroying your belongings one day would have turned into destroying you with physical force. I am very glad you are out. Now your challenge is to stay out.

Abusers use mostly – and thank goodness for their lack of creativity!!! FOG = Fear, Obligation and Guilt to keep their partner under their control. One tool of choice will dominate over the others. Your abusive ex was predominantly using Guilt. Mine was using Fear.

With time and distance and no contact the fog will clear, you’ll regain brain space and his engrained guilt will slowly dissipate from within you.

I find the best possible technic to stay away is to focus on self-care. Replace, force yourself to redirect and transform the guilt you’re feeling towards him into self-care. With focus and determination you will succeed at erasing and reversing his brainwashing, where he has wrongly made you believe his needs come first and yours last.
Rewiring your brain, creating new habits does take few months at the very least. As time passes it does get easier though.

You are defining how self-care translate to your needs.
Anything making you feel good is self-care. Focusing on your own needs, building yourself back up with the simplest of daily acts, like choosing your favourite tea, yes even an expensive brand just because now you can, your favourite shower gel, start exercising again, socialising again etc…

To help guide you look up Maslow’s Pyramid of Needs or/ and the Wheel of Life. I have both displayed on my walls, I take my guidance to navigate my life from them both, teaming up together with my intuition and mind of course.
Take it step by step.

Think about seeking legal protection too regarding access to your children. You’ll need professional legal advice. There is no such things as co-parenting with an abuser. Protect your parental rights. Contact WA for advice too on how best to approach this.

Keep strong, focused and gentle towards yourself. You’ve got this 💪
Keep posting

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