Viewing 58 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #119133
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Hello, im not sure where to post and never used a forum before so new to all of this. My partner is female (im lesbian) but everything i see and read is about male partners so its made me wonder if people would see it differently, would people think its not as bad or not the same somehow. I feel scared and nervous about posting on here but i really need to get help and get out.

    • #119134
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey and welcome. You’re not the first to post on here so please don’t think you’re alone. Abusers come in all genders and use the same tactics. It destroys lives. Anything we can do to help. You will find this forum full of lovely welcoming women who have experienced abuse and we are all here to help each other. Only really ignorant people would minimise your experience. It’s devastating to be abused by someone we love 💕 so welcome and well done for taking that first step and posting, abuse thrives on silence x

    • #119135
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Hi Sadsoul,

      Well done for posting and welcome to the forum.

      Abuse happens in same sex relationships and you will be believed. Everyone is capable of choosing to abuse another regardless of age, sex or gender.

      It’s such a horrible experience to go through but admitting that is what is happening is the first step to leaving, healing and being free.

      Keep talking x

    • #119137
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Thank you both for replying it means a lot, this is the first time ive talked about whats going on, i know now for sure it is abuse but im totally isolated have no money im not left alone for more than 10 mins im not allowed to leave the house without permission and i feel like i have no way to escape.

    • #119141
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Ok SadSoul, I hear what you are saying. I’ve asked the moderator to attend to your post and they’ll be along as soon as possible to talk to you x

      Hold on x

    • #119143
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Thank you so much for helping me ive not been able to speak to anyone for nearly (detail removed by Moderator), i fell scared and im losing the will to carry on.

    • #119144
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      You’ve reached out, your will is still there and it’s why you’ve come here 👍 You’re doing great. Just hold on until someone with more knowledge and experience in this can come and chat to you x

    • #119145
      KIP.
      Participant

      Sadly that’s what happens in an abusive relationship. The abuser thrives while we suffer as they suck the soul from us. Could you open up to your GP? Perhaps seek some private counselling? Get one that’s expert in domestic abuse x

    • #119148
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      I understand that if you don’t have any access to money, paying for counselling will be difficult. KIP had a very good idea about making a doctor’s appointment and speaking to your GP about what is going on, they will be able to help you more than you might think.

      Do you want to open up a bit more and chat to us whilst we wait for someone to talk to you? They can get quite busy so it may be you’ll need to wait a while but someone will definitely respond to you.

      x

    • #119149
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please also use the Samaritans if you need someone to talk to. They’re free to call. I used them a few times when I was feeling desperate. Just connecting with someone who will listen can make all the difference x

    • #119150
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Yes i feel comfortable opening up a bit with you not sure where to start though, ive been with my partner nearly (detail removed by Moderator), i fell madly in love straight away and was given all the love and attention id dreamed of having, after (detail removed by Moderator) months she started causing problems with my family and a argument with them ended up with me moving in with her hundreds of miles from my home, thats when the abuse started properly though there was signs before i just didnt see them till now

      • #119151
        GreenSapphire
        Participant

        Yes this is sadly how it goes, it’s typical of an abuser to isolate us from friends and family and anyone and everyone. Our world gets smaller and smaller until all there is left is us and our abuser.

        The relationship begins as you say with being charmed and love-bombed by the abuser and we fall head over heels very, very quickly. Soon enough, the abuse begins and as more and more time elapses, the abuse worsens.

        Are you in contact with your family at all? Is it possible to reach out to them?

    • #119152
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Once i was living with her the violence started pretty much straight away, (detail removed by Moderator) days in she was accusing me of cheating i argued back and defended myself so she punched me in the mouth, i didnt know that emotional abuse was taking place at the time i was scared of the physical abuse so much i just started doing as i was told to avoid the punches, over time she has totally controlled and isolated me without me even realising till it was too late.

    • #119153
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      I can reach out to a sister we have always been close and i know she would help me but im so scared of being caught contacting her the fear freezes me everytime.

    • #119154
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes I remember the fear. Sometime we just have to take that leap past the fear. Things will only get worse. You can always ring the police. Report her assaults and they can also help protect you with non molestation order or help with getting you to a refuge. She’s counting on your fear. Is there a time when you’re on your own. When you go to the shops or when she’s out. That’s the time to reach out. Could you pack a bag and go to your sister?

    • #119155
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      I have thought about my gp before but she goes everywhere with me im not left alone unless i go for a smoke, im not sure i would be believed by them as they have seen us together and i have always lied to them all through out the relationship and about my mental health ive done everything she told me to and made her look perfect.

    • #119156
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Ok so you are allowed out of the home to smoke. Is there anything else you are able to do by yourself out of the home? Are you able to go to the shops to buy tobacco/vape/cigarettes by yourself? If so, this could be an opportunity to call your sister. Obviously you need to wipe the call data from your phone before you go back into the home. Tell your sister the truth just like you’re telling us.

      Does your partner control your mobile phone bills too? Does she have access to them to see who you have called and who has called you?

    • #119158
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      When i say go for a smoke im only allowed on the back door i can close the kitcthen door and open the back door so im just standing in a little square between the 2 doors and that is simple coz she dont smoke and dont like it in the house.

    • #119159
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      There is times when im sent to the shop on my own if she is unwell or its raining but im only given the right amount of money and i have to take my phone so i can text her if i dont answer a msg she calls me right away to check im not on the phone to anyone even though ive not had a songle contact other than hers in my phone for (detail removed by Moderator) years and im allowed the phone as she use msgs to say thongs to me when there is people around.

    • #119161
      KIP.
      Participant

      I think you should really phone the police the next time you’re allowed out the house. What she’s doing is illegal. Coercive control and there are new laws now. You can’t do this alone x

    • #119162
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Where is your partner now? At home or at work or asleep?

      Whenever you can grab a moment to yourself you need to contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or Women’s Aid and speak to them directly. I understand how frightening your situation is and it’s an extremely controlling and toxic environment but you need to start the ball rolling so that you can be helped out of this x

      If you tap in NHS Domestic Abuse into google you’ll see a page which lists all the ways to get support. On that page you will see all the chemists and some supermarkets where they offer a safe space to make calls and access resources within a consultation room in the pharmacy.

      You can fake an illness and make an appointment with your GP or a GP so that you can tell them what is going on and they can act in their duty of care to you.

      As KIP says, you can call the police too.

    • #119164
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Or you can just walk or run or whatever you need to do to get to your nearest police station and tell them exactly what is happening. They’ll talk to you and take a statement and contact an abuse charity on your behalf or with you.

    • #119165
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      I didnt know there was so much help out there i will look that up thank you both x

    • #119167
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      I really dont think i could report her and i really dont think anyone will believe me we am only around people for short periods of time and no one in the world knows what she does to me so she could easily convince everyone its all me.

    • #119168
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      She has very little contact with people outside the home and even more so now with lock down she cuts people off a lot so know one is around long enough to see whats happening.

    • #119169
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Sadsoul, This is horrendous for you. I can see how you are struggling to see a way out. This is serious abuse.

      First things first. If you can raise the alarm with your sister or your GP, I honestly think that you will be believed. It us very common to put on a public front, it happens in so many relationships. From my own experience, I would say that people might be surprised but they will believe you.

      It sounds like it is difficult for you to find the space to raise the alarm. How are you accessing this forum and is it a safe means of communication for you?

    • #119171
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Hi eggshells i learnt that you can use a secure folder on the phone to hide apps they only show in the secure folder when i unhide them so when my phone is searched there is no trace of this site i still feel scared using it and am shaking as i type, im using going to the toilet and having a smoke as a excuse so i can come on here.

    • #119172
      KIP.
      Participant

      You can email the police x

    • #119173
      KIP.
      Participant

      Ask them to come to your address and help you leave.

    • #119175
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Ok that’s good, you’re covering your tracks. Well done.

      There is a specific organisation for domestic abuse within the LGBTQ community if you want to also talk to someone there too.

      http://www.galop.org.uk/

    • #119177
      Catjam
      Participant

      Well done for reaching out. My sister has been so supportive and is there for me no matter what. You are so much stronger than you think because you have survived this long. The next steps are hard but reaching out on here is the first step to freedom. I second what the other ladies have suggested for getting outside help. I have found the unconditional support from this site has kept me sane and its a relief to know I am not on my own and others understand exactly what i am trying to say. Take care xx

    • #119180
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Im going to check that website when i get a chanve thank you x

    • #119181
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Fantastic. It’s good that you have a safe way to communicate with us. So, on a scale of 1 – 10, how confident do you feel about getting a message for help to the police? 1 is you don’t feel confident at all, 10 is you will happily message the police and feel confident that they will help you.

    • #119183
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Police is not a option for me right now, my partner has 2 children one is now an adult the other not far off, they were removed from her care at young ages for domestic violence and placed in the care of her mother but i was always told the abuse was against her, all her family and friends said this person was vile and nasty and physically abusive, i helped my partner to get the children back in her care there grandmother never looked after them right they was slapped at all the while and never given anything and stuff we bought was taken away from them, my partner has never hit them or been abusive to them so they are still safer with her for sure. I couldnt watch them be hurt by me telling the police i love them too much even tho they am basically adults now.

      • #119184
        GreenSapphire
        Participant

        I was also a step mum and in an abusive relationship with the father of his children. The difference was that their mother had primary care and they were still young. But I left all the same because in the end I had to save myself. If we are in bits and broken and just about able to function ourselves, what good are we in looking after others.

        I understand exactly where you are coming from, the guilt is almost unbearable when you feel you are betraying children. Are the children adults now or still children?

        Sadsoul it sounds as though your partner’s mother is an abuser herself and your partner grew up in abuse and has become an abuser too. She may not have abused the children as you say, instead she has abused you. It may be the case that your partner’s mother abused her partners, the father of the children and your partner witnessed this as a child and is now copying all the same abusive relationship behaviours with you. She won’t change. At some point leaving is going to be your only option.

        If you do not wish to go to the police, I can only suggest what I already have and steer you towards contacting your sister and arranging with her to stay with her as a temporary or long-term measure whilst you get yourself sorted.

    • #119186
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Please also contact galop directly for advice and support.

      I’m sorry no-one has contacted you as yet but I imagine with it being lock-down, things have sadly but not surprisingly got very busy on the domestic abuse front.

      Do keep posting and chatting to us when you can x

    • #119187
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Its so helpful to find people that understand, the children are (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) now so basically adults but i wouldnt want to involve police for there sakes i know they will side with there mom they literally have no one else, they both have different fathers (detail removed by Moderator) ones dad left (detail removed by Moderator) and has had no contact the (detail removed by Moderator) father has had no contact (detail removed by Moderator). My partner is very cruel about both fathers, (detail removed by Moderator) her female partners are dead so i cant look to any of her past relationships to show whats shes like maybe it is me and my fault like she said.

    • #119188
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Yes, it’s a tough one. I’ve also avoided police action for the sake of the kids. Do be aware though that children who grow up witnessing abuse will be harmed by it. They often become either victims or abusers themselves.

    • #119189
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Yes i agree it does still affect the children i can see how her son is copying her behaviours and she has started making her daughter lie and cover for her, she has been talking to other woman the whole relationship every time ive caught her the blame is shifted on to me that i dont give enough attention or show my love enough, this time i found out (detail removed by Moderator) when she left the phone by mistake and i saw the msgs coming through from woman and a dating site i didnt confront her as i didnt want to ruin (detail removed by Moderator) but she used her daughter to cover for her.

    • #119190
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Sadsoul,

      Just to let you know I have sent you a private message with some information.

      Welcome to the forum!

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #119216
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Hi all, thank you so much for helping me yesterday i have contacted my sister and she is going to help me too. I thought the was no way out now i have a little hope again thanks x

    • #119217
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Wonderful news! Well done.

      There is always hope. There is always a way out x

    • #119222
      KIP.
      Participant

      Well done. There is lots of help out there so keep reaching out. Please remember the police are there to help you and it’s a dangerous time when we try to leave an abusers, keep your phone on you at all times, fully charged x

    • #119226
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      As soon as i start to feel courage to leave its like she can sense it maybe its me being paranoid but its been bad most days then today i get up and im being made breakfast and saying all the things i want to hear again and i know now its all lies but it still makes me feel so guilty.

    • #119227
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s designed to make you feel guilty. It’s called manipulation. Remember she knows you well. Abusers use guilt as a tool to control us. There’s also the cycle of abuse x you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. She’s abusing you in the worst possible ways. Get out as soon as you can. We become so traumatised that any small crumb of affection seems huge. It’s not. It’s what respectful relationships are like and she gets no extra points for that x

    • #119231
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Im trying hard to stay strong its like theres a storm inside my head i cant think or see clearly like im in a daze or something. I started my plan today i managed to hide a little bit of change i feel like a thief and liar for doing it though.

      • #119233
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Hi Sadsoul, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I’ve read the posts and you’re doing great in such a short space of time. I understand you’re feeling guilty but it’s time to save yourself. You’re a victim of horrendous abuse so please be kind to yourself. Hugs x

    • #119235
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      You’re doing great 👍 Keep up with your plan!

      You’ve been trained over the years to only do what you’ve been told you’re allowed to do for fear of being punished and made to feel bad if you don’t. Anything you do which is not being vetted by her will feel strange and like betrayal. It’s not betrayal, but you’ve been so extensively brain-washed over time that your mind now believes on some level the lies you have been fed. Another part of your mind is awake and aware of it, which is why you’re here and talking about it.

      We call this ‘FOG – Fear, obligation and guilt’. Google this term. Things should start to make sense.

    • #119238
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      I don’t have any useful advice Sadsoul, I haven’t managed to leave yet. But my heart goes out to you. You are so brave reaching out after all the controlling abuse you’ve endured. I really do believe that we all have the courage we need to leave, we just need to find it. It sounds to me like you’re finding yours. Xxxxx

    • #119247
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Gs im going to look that up its been helping to read about things its making me realise whats been happening to me and giving more strength to get out thank you so much x

      • #119249
        GreenSapphire
        Participant

        Knowledge Is Power x It was for me and it is for almost all of us who go through this.

        If you can google the Power and Control Wheel and The Cycle Of Abuse too, this will also open your eyes.

    • #119248
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      ISOpeace thank you for your kind words and if you would like to talk feel free im a good listener if you want to vent x

    • #119250
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Thank you so much gs im going to look them up as soon as i get chance x

    • #119257
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hang on in there Sadsoul. You’re right, she can sense a change in you so she’s love bombing to hook you back in. You are very wise, you know it isn’t genuine and won’t last.

      If you get a moment to yourself whilst she’s in the shower or something, please take the opportunity to get essential items together. Try to get your birth certificate, your NI number, passport if you have one and marriage or civil partnership documents if you have them. Keep them somewhere that you can grab them and go if you need a quick getaway.

      Please do not be tempted to tell her your plans under any circumstances.

      We’re rooting for you lovely lady. xx

    • #119269
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Eggshells thanks for the advice i managed to find and hide my passport earlier and i know my n.i number, its made me a wreck being sneaky but i have near constant shakes anyway so it wont be noticed hopefully.

    • #119270
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Im hoping to get a chance to call the helpline but im worried if im not able to and i do manage to get out then call them will they be able to help me right away or am i going to need to rely on myself if i cant contact them before.

      • #119274
        GreenSapphire
        Participant

        You don’t have to call them if it’s too risky. You can message them instead if that feels safer. It won’t leave a trace in your emails.

    • #119271
      KIP.
      Participant

      The helpline can help you either way x they may be able to signpost you to other organisations too. Talk to your GP about what’s been going on too answers ask about therapy x remember to ring 999 if you feel threatened x

    • #119276
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Thank you all again i really appreciate all the help and advice ive been alone so long i forgot what it was like to talk to people even if it is only on here and in secret for now.

      • #119277
        KIP.
        Participant

        💕you’re stronger than you think x

      • #119280
        GreenSapphire
        Participant

        You’re doing brilliantly and you’re not alone x

    • #119294
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Hi just a update to say my sister and her husband have offered to pick me up any time day or night all i have to do is send them a msg, they live over (detail removed by moderator) away from me so i will have a long wait but ive been looking at the safe spaces in my area but am worried ill need to leave at night so my plan is to wait at the nearest police station, i wont be able to stay with my sister as my partner will know exactly where i am once i dont come back.

    • #119295
      KIP.
      Participant

      Abusers are bullies. You might find she is totally different with your sister as she won’t stand for her behaviour. Your sister is more likely to call the police to protect you and your abuser will know this. The main thing is that you can get away safely and that once you’re free you block all contact. Just take baby steps. Going to a police station to wait is a good idea. If there’s a local one then take a walk by if it’s safe so you can see the opening hours and that you feel better knowing where you’re going. She won’t know you’re there either. Make a playlist of songs that inspire you and take that with you. You’re absolutely doing the right thing x get out as quickly and as safely as you can x

    • #119298
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Good morning Sadsoul,

      Things are moving along in your escape plan. Please reach out to the moderator who privately messaged you for help and support in your plan by privately messaging them back. They will be able to support and advise you.

      Once you leave you will need somewhere to stay. Your options are to stay with your sister or to be accepted at a refuge. If it’s the latter, you’ll need to be in direct contact with professionals who can aid you in this.

      Many of us are able to flee to relatives or friends homes and many of us realise our abusers know their addresses. If your sister and her husband are happy for you to stay with them, do not allow your abuser’s knowledge of their address to put you off from doing so. There will be safety with them.

      Remember you can call 999 at any time.

      x

    • #119315
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Hi ladies thanks for the advice you are helping me so much, im more worried about her finding me easily as she will talk me round every time i think im strong she breaks me back down and im the one apologising taking all the blame and she wins again, ive been thinking about escaping so long and i really believe the only way is to stay in hiding till im strong enough.

    • #119343
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      Our will to leave gets to a point where it becomes stronger than our will to stay in the abusive relationship.

      I’m not sure where you are at but know that this moment will come. Everyone has a slightly different or very similar experience of leaving. I left with only what I was wearing but I knew I had someone to take me in. It happened very quickly for me because I had a lightbulb moment where I realised my life was in imminent danger so I fled without any of my things. Others are able to gather some of their possessions before they go, some are able to stay in their home and have the abuser leave or be removed. But whatever the difference, we all come to that final point when enough is enough.

      X

Viewing 58 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account