New and need advice

[mushroom]

Hi. I met my partner after a long period of being single and we hadn’t dated long before I realised his behaviour wasn’t normal. He was very smothering – wanting to be with me all the time and got grumpy if I wanted time for myself. He was jealous of my friends and was always asking to be invited everywhere with me, and would ask me if I had “pulled any men” when I went out, although he claims these were jokes. After a few months he soon started having nasty rants at me if he didn’t get his own way when he wanted to see me. He would even feel rejected if he bought me food or drink that I didn’t like and accept from him. The rants were all over texts, never to my face and would go on for hours. He would call me names, accuse me of cheating, belittle me, tell me I was no good sexually, be nasty about friends and family and that I was stringing him along. If I ignored him, he would send more and more texts, worse each time. If I told him anything personal he would use that against me or threaten to tell other people. He would then accuse me of being controlling by ignoring him and not replying. If I blocked him the messages would come through on another app or by email or he would call constantly on my phone. After every rant he would calm down and then apologise profusely, saying he felt ashamed and guilty and didn’t mean any thing he said. I gave him a few chances and we ended up breaking up a few times. He would make excuses to come and see me – leaving possessions at my house, and even demanded money back that he had spent on dates. If I met him to give things back he would apologise and we would end up back together. I tried several times to end the relationship but then felt guilty because he always genuinely seemed sorry. He would also tell me I misunderstood things, didn’t remember things or was over reacting to “jokes” and this made me confused and question myself. When he was happy he was very attentive, and would do anything I asked like the perfect partner. But it was like being with Jekyll and Hyde and I found myself worrying about upsetting him. Eventually I had enough and ended things. He went crazy and messaged and called me constantly. I blocked him but he withheld his number and over a few days he made hundreds of calls and turned up outside my house and refused to leave until a family member came to support me and he left. I then reported him to the police and he was cautioned for harassment. After we parted I did try to date for a short time but I was anxious the whole time because of what had happened and found it hard to be myself. After several months I got a message from my him out of the blue and we started chatting. He said the police incident had caused him to seek therapy and he was a changed man. I was of course wary so was polite and he was very open and honest about his therapy and was resentful about how he treated me before and wanted to make amends. We agreed to be friends and after several months we began dating again, but I did explain it may not work as a lot of damage was done before. We have generally been getting on and there are no rants like before, and a lot of the other behaviours have gone but there are still things he says and does that remind me of how he was. Sometimes he’ll get very close to being insulting or inappropriate and then he’ll stop himself and say it’s a joke, or if he senses I am a little uncomfortable he’ll change the subject saying he’s re-read his messages and wants to avoid confusion. I’m not sure if the therapy has worked or if he’s just more aware of his behaviour and is playing the same tactics but in a different way, especially as he already got a police caution? I’m starting to doubt myself again and I don’t think that’s a good sign. I guess I’m hoping all the bad times I went through with him was worth something because he’s seeking help but I don’t want to be fooled again if he deep down hasn’t changed. We were messaging via an app where he doesn’t need my phone number and he said this was fine, but has now decided to shut this down and has sent me his number. It feels like he is trying to push things so for now we are not chatting or seeing each other, which is giving me time to think.

[maddog]

You must trust your instincts. Abusers don’t change. It will go in a cycle and he will behave for a while then it will start going downhill again. All he will have learned from therapy is how to fool you and the next woman who trots into his life. It has taken me years to understand that I was part of the cycle of abuse. I thought it was random. Of course it wasn’t.

[starryeyed]

Hi mushroom, I agree with maddog…you should listen to your gut and trust your instincts on this. You said when you were first were with him you realised that his behaviour wasn’t normal and you did break up and were very brave through all of this. I can understand if he is saying he has been to therapy and helped himself…we want to believe this and I feel the same with my ex as he is telling me he is seeking help. I desperately want to believe him. I wanted to say to you that my ex has similar traits to yours…in how possessive he sounds, how he would accuse you of cheating on him, not liking you going out .etc. I write ‘ex’ but I don’t even know if he is an ‘ex’ because he is still making his presence felt. He would also cloak his comments as jokes, which I either overreacted to, was too sensitive or had lost my sense of humour. I’m not sure how long you were/are with and have known him, but one thing I’ve taken from speaking to Women’s Aid was to be mindful how many abusive behaviours are being displayed in just a few months or a relatively short space of time. That can be quite alarming and it is likely they will increase in severity. He sounds so obsessive, possessive and controlling – please be careful and it seems you realise he is already being pushy by deleting the method you were speaking on and giving you his number. Maybe you could think about going no contact with him, if you want to or feel able to?

Stay safe x*x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi Mushroom, as the other women have rightly said, go with your gut. If he’s starting to get pushy and alarm bells are starting to ring then you’re probably right. You’ve seen through him once before so chances are you are correct in doing so this time. If he had really changed then he would be leaving the ball in your court. He might even have made up that he’s even had therapy. My ex lied about going to the doctor to get help for his anger. He was also very similar in the fact that he was very pushy and wanted things his way or no way. It’s very scary when they take it to the extreme like yours has done before. Good luck in whatever you decide to do, stay safe x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Mushroom,
I agree with the other ladies, trust your gut and don’t let him make you feel guilty, sorry for him, let him make you doubt yourself or believe anything he says. That might sound unfair and unreasonable, but he sounds just like my husband was in the beginning. He tricked me into getting engaged, lied to me and manipulated me from the start. They can be very loving, thoughtful and charming when it suits them, but you pay a very heavy price and it never lasts, getting worse every cycle.
If in doubt, run for cover!
I saw all the red flags, but kept believing his lies and giving him another chance. He would keep changing tactics, finding out the easiest way to control me. If your gut is telling you to be wary then please listen. Don’t get trapped like many of us sadly do. Be strong, stay independent and be happy

[freedomtochoose]

I agree with the other ladies also. Especially the bit about staying strong, independent and being happy.
I feel though that doing just that is a challenge for many of us, including myself.
It is almost as if personally I feel I need to keep practising it – a skill like riding a bicycle maybe – until I get to the point when it is second nature.

‘if in doubt, run for cover’ I feel is very good advise too. Perhaps it might also help to try to put some things in place which provide the ‘cover’.

Like doing something you really like doing
Like going to a different place than the one you normally go to physically
Like always having a phone number that you can phone to talk this through (Samaritans? 116 123? or post on here…
Like having a fall back plan i.e. go and see a mate
Like treating yourself to something
(praising your achievements?

This may not be much help but thinking of you anyway

[Ayanna]

This man is no good.
He is gaslighting and manipulating you.
Get out before he hurts you.
I think that you are in danger after reading all what you wrote.
Speak to the police again.

[mushroom]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Just reading those and the other posts on here make me feel that although I do believe he wants to change I’m not sure he can. In a sad way I think the counselling is making him more confused. A few weeks ago he accused me of gaslighting him! – and then of course made out it was a joke. In a way he recent behaviour was being the opposite of before, constantly offering support, wanting to do everything for me and of course dashing to “rescue” me if i’m upset or not feeling well. But after reading many posts I think he’s trying to make me dependent on him so that I turn to him rather than friends. He came back onto the messaging app again to ask me for my phone details (he said he deleted my number after the police incident) and I said I would think about. He then shut it down again, so I am trying no contact as suggested. I’m sure he will be back at some point and make me feel for abandoning him. I agree it is a cycle, but I’m going to try and stay strong.

[starryeyed]

A good decision Mushroom, to not give him your number and trying no contact. My ex/partner said he is going to counselling (3 different providers at the same time…makes me question this legitimacy?) and is also on medication now but I am not sure what he is would be talking about in counselling. He isn’t good at listening to me and he wasn’t open to self-reflection so I imagine he is going to find it very difficult and I don’t know if he is going to counselling saying he is depressed and his girlfriend left him for example, or is he is going and saying my girlfriend rang the police on me because she was scared, has said I am controlling and that I have been emotionally abusive. I just don’t know, he hasn’t mentioned this and doesn’t elaborate other than the fact he is seeking help and it is going really well for him already (I don’t really expect him to tell me what he speaks about in such confidential environments obviously, but I just wonder what version he is opening up about). And this is me taking his word for even going! My ex/partner also did cycles similar to yours where he would rush to rescue me and tend to my every need, saying he is there for me through everything, my pain is his pain .etc. Sometimes it felt too much, like he was too eager to display the grandiose affection…and I think you are right, it is about creating a kind of dependancy. I appreciated affection from him but it was in huge surges between control, possession and fear and it was not consistent.

[Confused123]

hey hun

keep away , this is the mask falling of slowly and belive me they can act for ages if it merans getting us back, do not fall for that trick

[mushroom]

Thank you. I completely understand what you are saying about the counselling starryeyed. He said he saw a female counsellor at first and that she said he had a personality disorder and (detail removed by moderator) tendencies. He claimed his long term partner was depressive and controlling and the separation from her, followed by his mother’s death after he cared for her triggered his “illness”. However, apparently he then changed to a male counsellor after the other one said she helped him as much as she could. He claims the male counsellor said he merely had separation anxiety and PTSD and not the other issues, but I beginning to wonder if he changed what he said to the second counsellor based on his responses from the female one to get a much “softer” diagnosis. What really upsets me is why can’t he put the same effort into just being a kind and considerate person than he does with all these mind games? Yet he always says to me “You’ll never get a more attentive partner than me or someone that loves you as much as I do”. When I felt able to stick up for myself I would say “Well if you truly love someone, it’s shouldn’t be so hard to be nice to them”. I still tell myself this everyday. I’ve contacted a local centre today and asked about the freedom project and counselling. I need help to sort out my head and not get drawn back again because I know he will try again.

[starryeyed]

Hey mushroom, good for you getting in touch with your local Women’s Aid. Let us know how you get on. I’m hoping to hear back from them about counselling options too.

What you say: ‘What really upsets me is why can’t he put the same effort into just being a kind and considerate person than he does with all these mind games?’
Yes, I agree with you here, I feel like this too. I can’t keep up with them, I find them exhausting and am in disbelief anyone would want to behave like this because it just seems so much hard work? I can’t get my head around it at all, feel like I’m losing my mind. Sometimes reading about it makes me think what the hell is this all about?

I wonder if people with (detail removed by moderator) are even capable of counselling? Because it is all about listening to yourself and reflecting and thinking about things to move forward. I mean maybe they are…I just don’t know, totally confused about it all.

My ex/partner also told me that no one will ever love him as much as he does.

[Author]

Posts