New and needing some reassurance

[Snowdrop]

I have finally plucked up the courage to post on here, as I think I am now admitting to myself what has been going on. We have been married for a number of years & have 2 teenagers & (detail removed by Moderator) year old. He swept me off my feet & looking back, the first incling that all was not well was when I was first pregnant.
He was always very dominant, but I took that to be part cultural as he comes from a very patriarchal country. I also had quite a traditional upbringing and was very compliant, so didn’t question him much.
I was the main breadwinner for several years when the kids were younger & although he was good with the children, he was very controlling, saying what they were allowed to wear, what friends they could see at school – friends were never allowed around to the house in case they messed it up.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer (detail removed by Moderator) ago and I think that changed my outlook on life. He also began to control me more. He would monitor my phone & also track me, turning up at places where I was & questioning me when I got home from work.
By now I was doing all the school runs & everything to do with the children, working full time and also coping with the aftermath of surgery, chemo & radio, poor body image & tiredness. He would demand sex and if I said no, he would either sulk or accuse me of getting it elsewhere. I went through an early menopause, so lost my libido. Of course it was all my fault. He said if I didn’t ‘improve’ he would get it elsewhere. I asked him when I was meant to have the opportunity to have an affair as he tracked me, but he wouldn’t answer just saying that maybe I was a lesbian.
He has never made any effort with my family, indeed banning them from coming into the house during my chemo. He would refuse to let me take the kids to see them, unless he gave his ‘permission’ & they had shown him enough respect. I have always let his family see the kids, they have been here & I have been back to their home country (detail removed by Moderator) – my salary paying for the travel.
I can never do anything right, from not cooking his dinner correctly, to hanging the towel the wrong way to dry. The daily criticism wears me down.
When I don’t do what he wants, he threatens to divorce me & take the children back home with him and that I will not get custody. I haven’t wanted to test out whether he would do this.
He is rude to me, swears at me, not all the time, but he has done in the street which I have found humiliating. He is critical of our eldest, calling him names as he is not very academic – he is a good lad though.
The children have heard a lot but know how to stay on the right side of him.
When I read this, it breaks my heart as the children haven’t had carefree childhoods. My mum reassures me I am a good mother and have done my best for the kids, given everything. I still feel guilty though.
(detail removed by Moderator) I got promotion at work. I wanted the extra money so that I could do more with the kids & be able to spend time with them & do things, to create memories for them. If my cancer comes back, I may not be so lucky next time and they have seen friends of mine taken by cancer and it frightens them. They have been through a lot for their ages.
I also wanted the extra money to be able to afford the mortgage on my own. My husband has decided he wants a bigger house. I don’t want either a bigger house or to move. The kids don’t want to move. They have their friends, school buses & lives here. I have just found out that he has had an estate agent round to take pictures to put the house on the market, he has been taking about doing it and threatened that he will move with or without me. His cousin was shocked when he realised that my o/h wasn’t joking.
He is now demanding I sign the paper work to put the house on the market. So far I have refused. He has said if I don’t sign it, he will divorce me and get the courts to force me & the kids out of the house. He has said he will then fight me for custody of the children & he will make sure all the equity I have is used in solicitors fees. He would do it just out of spite.
I am just so exhausted by this all & I know it will be a long battle. He says he loves me, but this doesn’t feel like love to me.
Just looking for some input and reassurance from anyone, if this sounds familiar. I think I know it is emotional abuse, but it is difficult admit it to myself and also realise how gullible I have been & maybe he never cared for me.
Thank you for reading and sorry it is so long.

[iamme]

Hi Snowdrop,

Well done for posting here. You will find everyone here is very supportive.

I would say it’s definately abuse. Emotional, financial, psychological and sexual. Your children are older so let him fight for custody. The courts will have to listen to your childrens views. He’s trying to control you with all his threats. He’s the one in the wrong. I would speak to the national domestic violence helpline and womensaid. The fact that the children are beginning to learn how to behave so as not to set him off shows it’s an abusive environment.

You are an amazingly strong woman, battling cancer and living with a man like that. Reading your story makes me feel stronger. If you can balance so much on your own while being sick, think how much you can do without his constant critisms and controlling behaviour. It may feel like you don’t have a choice or are stuck but ultimately you do. You just have to summon that courage inside yourself to make life better for yourself and your kids. It’s scary, I know, I’m on my own journey through it at the moment, and it’s hard. Sometimes I just want to give up and hide away. That’s when I come on this forum and just reading through posts gives me strength.

Be strong, stay safe. You are not alone x

[Lisa]

Hi Snowdrop,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. It must have taken a lot of courage to post for the first time so I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through due to your husband’s behaviour. He is being abusive in various different ways. It is clear from your post that your children are your priority and that you are a brilliant mum. It is understandable you are feeling exhausted and drained after everything you have been through and the ongoing abuse from your husband.

There is a lot of support available for you. Please do consider ringing the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) to discuss your options based on your circumstances. The Helpline Workers will listen to you and understand your situation. It can be a busy service but there is a voicemail to request a call back at a safe and convenient time. Your local support group are also available to offer ongoing emotional and practical support. Details can be found here

You may also want to seek some legal advice. The Rights of Women have a website full of information as well advice lines. You can find their website here.

Keep posting to us when you can, we are here for you every step of the way.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Dragonfly]

First of all I really feel for you. Secondly he will NOT be able to sell your home, he will not take your children and he will not get all the equity. You need a solicitor and get him away from you. He’s dumbed you down so much it sounds like you actually believes his threats. Believe me that’s all they are.

[Anabela]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am glad you found this forum because for me it has been the main support network and gave me comfort like nothing else. Posting here and reading other stories. The more you talk about it, whether it is this forum or a n y b o d y, the closer you get to freedom.
You sound like a very caring mum doing the best you can for your kids despite your health and relationship problems. I know it is hard to admit to yourself that this man is abusive. You kind of know it but you find it hard to accept this knowledge. And you do say that it just does not seem like love. Because when you love you don’t threaten and don’t mistreat that person.
Please call those organisations as advised by Lisa. It’s good to discuss with professionals the legal side of things. There must be a way for you to live free and happy with your kids. xx

[Author]

Posts