New and not sure what to think…

[Bluegirl]

Hello there,
I really don’t know how to start. I only have limited time to write as I am expecting partner and children back at anytime.
A little background I suppose would be the first thing. I am in my (Detail removed by moderator), have 3 children and have been with my partner for (Detail removed by moderator)yrs… not sure whether this info will be hidden or changed so sorry…
I ended my relationship (Detail removed by moderator) weeks ago. I have tried numerous times, the last time being (Detail removed by moderator) but I ended up staying and continuing ‘putting up and shutting up’ as I suppose I would call it. But, this time a few things happened which broke the camels back as they say and I just realised that since (Detail removed by moderator), I have grown stronger and something changed within me and decided that I have had enough. I reached out for the first time to my family and a friend and told them how I was feeling and relayed some of the things that have happened over the years which I have kept hidden and secret. Their reactions were enough to make me realise and confirm what I have been thinking and that I have been suffering from ’emotional abuse’ all this time. I went to the doctors and asked for counselling and very quickly I was assessed and I now have had 2 sessions which have been very helpful and painful but I feel stronger just for doing it for myself… my partner has no idea that I am having counselling.
Since I told him that I want to end the relationship – the ’emotional abuse’ has suddenly stopped and he is bending over backwards to help me, make me happy etc… which feels very strange. I feel very confused. I know 100% that I don’t want to continue with this relationship. I am too hurt. Tired. Worn out from treading over eggshells around him. Trying to second guess what mood he is in. Telling him everything. Trying not to feel guilty. Putting up with his insecurities, his jealousy, his laziness etc… I think I’m being ‘hoovered’ and it is so hard not to just give in and stay. I worry about affecting the children with my decision – he has said it ‘will crush them’. I just want to leave and be still and calm somewhere and find myself again. Introduce my ‘real self’ to my beautiful children so that they can really get to know ME. I have no money. No savings. I work part-time and will have to rely on DSS to pay for my rent which is hard as there are hardly any properties to rent around my way with landlords prepared to take DSS… Sorry for the rambling… just wanted to write something and connect somehow…Thank you for reading. x

[KIP.]

Hi there, have you read about the cycle of abuse? Please contact your local women’s aid. There is a helpline number on here. Using emotional blackmail about the children is cruel. And very typical tactics. Abusers use Fear Obligation and Guilt to control us. The FOG of abuse. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve a happy confident mum. Try and get counselling from someone with knowledge of domestic abuse. It’s important they have a deep understanding. You owe him nothing. The financial side will sort itself out in the long term. It won’t be as scary when you are safe and happy. Keep posting and expect his abuse to get worse as he realises you’re not coming back to him. Be very careful as they are most dangerous when we try to leave or soon afterwards x

[Bluegirl]

Thanks for your advice and info KIP. I have read about the cycle of abuse and FOG which I know I am definitely experiencing. For the first time today I told him that he has been emotionally abusing me for too long and I am no longer gong to accept it. He replied that he totally understands and has offered to go counselling both by himself and as a couple. I have said no. it is time for me to stop the cycle and begin to build my life again for me and my children.bvery hard. I am at work so I am expecting long emotionally charged talks when I get home…

[Clueless]

Hi
Well done for reaching out. For me that was the best thing I did. I can relate to everything you have said. I put myself forward for counselling after I lost a silly amount of weight and didn’t sleep. The people around me said perhaps I needed some help and guidance so that’s what I did. Two sessions in and my wonderful counsellor confirmed that I’m dealing with domestic abuse. Well I was shocked to hear someone tell me that but I was already having my lightbulb moments so confirmation on what was wrong sent me a little crazy I suppose. The anger and grief inside me and I suppose the relief I wasn’t going mad sent me into a rollercoster of emotions. This was back in (detail removed by moderator). Since then I have had weekly counselling sessions and I’m now being supported by my local domestic abuse team. My family and friends have been so supportive. I’m trying to leave like your self no access to funds so I’m trying my best to get myself sorted. But there is light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. I’m stronger from all of my support it doesn’t make it any easier when dealing with all the emotions but certainly helps. I have felt ashamed but I’m now at a point when I’m thinking no this shouldn’t be happening and keeping positive of my new life with the children and again like you say I will be the mum those children deserve to have. I will not let the control of him to ruin me any more. I have days when I’m so excited about what my future holds, to find out who I am, what I like etc. These last  (detail removed by moderator) years I’ve been trapped into a person and I now know it’s not the real me.
You will find the right time to go just as I will but I can honestly say becoming stronger in your thoughts and mindset really will take you a long way
You can do it. I wish you every happiness that you and your children deserve. Take care
X*x

[Bluegirl]

Thank you so much Clueless for your amazing reply and support. Like you I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and I am excited about the future. I have no idea as to when I will be able to leave, but at the moment, like you the support of my family and a few friends has kept me going and helped me to be positive. I too am in counselling which is just amazing. Just to have that one hour a week for me to be able to talk without having to check what I am saying or to finish my sentences even without being stopped and made to feel like I am wrong or stupid. Wow..I feel like I am starting to get in touch with myself again. I think the biggest thing is that my partner, his own decision, has decided to have counselling. I am so relieved that he has taken on board what I have said about his behaviours towards me & our children. I just have to be careful need not to be sucked in to healing journey. I can’t wait to be in my own and continue my journey and become a better person and mother.. I too wish you much happiness in the future. You are worth everything you want for yourself and your children.. and more. Take good care. Be strong and believe…. Xx

[Author]

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