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    • #101807
      Guitarstring
      Participant

      Hi,
      I don’t even know where to start. My friend showed me an article about (detail removed by moderator) months ago about gaslighting. I read it and immediately knew what she was getting at. This was after i had text her asking if she thought i was a bad person as i was driving myself insane worrying that i was. She lives next door and we have been friends for many years. She didn’t have to say anything and neither did i.
      My OH is such a great guy! Anyone that knows him would say so.
      He suffers with PTSD and last year he moved out when things got too much. This is where I’m stuck.

      When we first got together i could not believe someone could love me as much as he did. Then we came off social media (joint agreement), stopped seeing friends(easier than putting up with calls and texts whilst out), dropped hobbies(didnt’t like who I shared hobbies with) and spent all of our time together.
      A while ago i suffered a trauma and was grieving. His son came to stay and treated me like rubbish. I confronted my OH after he had gone and his response was.. “(detail removed by moderator).” I was devastated. But, if I hadn’t of treated him the way I did he wouldn’t of let it happen.
      That seems to be a bit of a recurring phrase as I get told that a lot now. And, that I need to get help as its not normal to be like me.
      Im not perfect and I can be a pain at times but I am sure I’m not the monster he is making me out to be.
      (detail removed by moderator) I told him to go back on social media to connect with people from a previous career to help with his PTSD. He didn’t want to. I asked recently if i could go back on social media as i would like to feel connected to the community with all thats happening, and I was told no. Because…(detail removed by moderator) when he asked to go back on so he could reconnect with people to help him I said no. I wish i could record all of our conversations as he makes me question my own memories.
      There is lots more. The name calling, accusations of affairs, moving goal posts etc.
      So, am i being abused? Am i the abuser? If i am being abused is it ok because he has PTSD and is trying to get better?
      I always thought I was strong and would always hold my own. Now, i just feel beat.

      Sorry for going on, but thanks for taking the time to read.

    • #101809
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes you’re absolutely being abused.i have PTSD and have never hurt or insulted anyone. Try reading Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Everything you describe is an abusive relationship. From isolating you to your friends to destroying your self esteem and dominating you. Always pointing the spotlight at your behaviour to take that spotlight off his abuse of you. Your friend is right about gaslighting. Google the cycle of abuse, cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding. And ring the national domestic abuse helpline for a chat. Those ladies will explain better than I can on here. They’re friendly and experienced. That lovely funny man you met in the beginning that treated you like a princess, he doesn’t exist. And for years you will chase that illusion, wondering what you did to make that man disappear. You did nothing. That’s a mask worn by an abuser to hook you in. The bst thing you can do is go total zero contact. Concentrate on you. He’s not your responsibility and don’t let him or you use the PTSD card. There is never an excuse for domestic abuse x

    • #101816
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Having PTSD is his excuse to be abusive.as k IP p says many people who have it aren’t abusive. If you can get the idea in to his head to leave like he did the last time that would be great. Its so funny how they literally use our words against us at a later date and sometimes not so far down the road. It’s good that you are aware of his behaviour, that you have someone close by who knows. I have to go just now just didn’t want to read and run.
      IWMB 💞💞

    • #101817
      Guitarstring
      Participant

      Thank you ladies.
      The realisation is heartbreaking isn’t it?

      The thing is i have got mad over him talking to other woman, i did get mad when he came home drunk, i did send a selfie to a male friend, i have put kisses on the end of messages to male family and friends. I actually think he has turned me into someone i don’t like. I have always stuck up for myself and when he has changed his goal posts i have moved mine to his.

      Before he moved out he spoke to the council for help being rehomed. I checked his phone as something didn’t sit right. He had a conversation via text with his ex wife about it, said the council had advised him to go to the police as it sounds like domestic abuse. I was devastated. Confronted him and he apologised saying it wasn’t me that behaved like that it was him.
      Im so convinced i am an abuser. But, i know his behaviour is not acceptable to.
      We had an amazing week. Then i had a strong opinion on social distancing at work and ive been accused of not believing him or trusting him. I even said we are both entitled to opinions that are different. Since that ive been told i need help as i have a cycle where im nice to him, ignore him, horrible to him, then nice again. And if i loved him i would get help.
      We’ve not spoken for days and now he wants to see me. Who knows, maybe he will of finally had enough of me and call it a day.

      Being in lockdown and working from home is very lonely.

      Thank you xx

    • #101818
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi, sounds as if he’s been reading up on DA as well. He’s projecting big style with lashings of gaslighting thrown into the mix. My oh will occasionally give me a few days space after we’ve had ‘words’ but he can’t go any longer then 3/4 days, then he’ll find any reason to get in touch. Contact WA let them know what’s going on,it worries me he’s been advised to contact the police and been advised he’s being abused. Thing is,the council are only going on what he’s told them, this is what abusers do, try and get people onside, family,friends,work colleagues, strangers, so that when you do get the courage to speak up, he’s already got in there first. Just because he’s been advised to speak to the police doesn’t mean you can’t. Abusers are good actors, but they can and are seen through, they can’t keep up being something they’re not.
      💞💞

    • #101820
      Guitarstring
      Participant

      Thats what i thought when i looked up some of the definitions kip said earlier. He has been married more than once and have ended with divorce being filed against him for unreasonable behaviour. His family were amazing in the beginning. Like a second family. They loved me and i loved them. We did so much together. His sister and I have known each other for a long time and he always warned me he wouldnt like me going out with her as she cant be trusted. When started getting closer he told me she had been bad mouthing me. I confronted her and shim together and before i could say anything he apologised to her for saying stuff about her. Left me feeling like i couldnt say what i needed to. When i found the time i asked her again and she said no and was going to speak to him. He came home from work that night and apologised saying she had never said that.

      We dont live together, fortunately, but i feel huge pressure. I know he will make my life a misery if i split from him. And then that will effect my children.

      Thank you for your replies. It is really helping.

    • #101824
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Your last bit made me smile where you say you don’t live together, at least you’re not in a house with him during this lockdown period. Oh he’ll know all the steps to take since he’s been married before, citing your behaviour as unreasonable when it’s his all along. Look at it more objectively, he’s the common denominator in these relationships, his behaviour that caused them to end no one else’s. Im rereading healing from abuse. Now I’m not living with my oh, what I’m reading is sinking in better this time.
      Telling us other women are not good for us they’ll lead us astray, is a typical abusers statement. They know we talk, have to stop that happening at all costs.
      Trust your inner voice, even if you don’t follow through on what it’s telling you, write down how you’re feeling, how something bdoesn’t feel right,doesn’t sit well with you.
      Keep Posting and reading others posts
      IWMB 💞💞

    • #101836
      Guitarstring
      Participant

      Im glad we dont live together!

      How do you get past not feeling like its your fault and your the bad person?

      The fact it seems as though hes been researching makes me wonder if he truly believes he us being abused. What do i do with that?!

      Just been talking to my friend about all of this and she said its probably why none of his family speak talk me anymore. No idea what he has told them. All he tells me is.. they wont get involved because thats what they are like. I even reached out to his mum to ask for help ages ago. I didnt even get a reply. Its so b****y lonely!

      Thank you IWMB X*X

    • #101839
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      It is lonely, but know you aren’t alone. You caen be sure he’ll be telling people what he wants them to know, the first stage of healing from hidden abuse is despair, the second is education learn what smear campaigns are, flying monkey’s, learn the terminology. Whether he believes he’s the abused or not makes no difference. You know what he did to you, how he treated you, how he spoke to you. Have you read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft or living with the dominator by pat Craven. Both very good educational books send not heavy going.
      The fact that you feel like you were the bad person tells me it wasn’t you. Abusers are not remorseful, they’ll mirror certain traits but they are not genuine feelings. His words become our words in our heads for so long. Get them out, they don’t belong there. One day you’ll wake up and you won’t feel like that at all.
      You don’t have to do anything about why he’s looking up abuse,if he wants to be seen as the abused that’s his choice. But people who know him will see through that. You can’t fake how being abused makes you look act,react. I look at my oh now and yes he does look how I did before I left him,a shadow of his former self, but he doesn’t act how I did. He looks like he dies because I put a stop to his abuse, not by becoming abusive but by leaving plain and simple.
      I hope this helps cos it sounds confusing even though ìm trying fir it not to.
      IWMB 💞💞

    • #101841
      Guitarstring
      Participant

      I absolutely know he does those things! Ive just looked them up and I am shocked! When we first started seeing eachother he was going through a divorce. He would tell anyone and everyone that his ex wife was a psycho. Some were people we both knew, and knew that they were the biggest gossips. I even brought it up with him at the time as i was a bit miffed he spoke more about her than his amazing new girlfriend. He painted a horrid picture of her and even had people saying they would give her a good hiding. Thats what worries me.

      None of this is confusing at all… its all beginning to make sense. I will have a look at downloading those books!

      Thank you so much! I wish i could squeeze you! Xx

    • #101844
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Consider me squeezed.💞💞 I was never allowed to mention my oh’s ex. She too was this wicked abusive woman. He too knows people who’d give a good hiding, heard him and his brother talk about it many times over the years. Who do these men think they are, the mafia😂😂😂 but, what they say sticks doesn’t it🙄 going to counselling with him I wonder if she maybe was…. his mother was abusive, maybe HE needed that in his wife too, to keep the same relationship his parents had. He said I was nothing like her, but i also saw through the sessions that that was what he needed and i refused to be like that, to be as abusive as him.
      💞💞

    • #101847
      Guitarstring
      Participant

      Funny you should say that. He accessed counselling some time ago and hes admitted he was physically and verbally abused as a kid by his mum. Ive said to him about family counselling but his councillor said not to whilst hes going through this. Did your oh ever admit he knew what he was doing? Xx

    • #101859
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Oh yes he said he knew what he was doing, admitted he’s to blame then he’ll change tactics another day.say it takes two, it’s not all him. Said he couldn’t help himself, couldn’t stop the words coming out his mouth.
      Can you believe that!!!
      I meant abusive to him, not, as abusive as him.
      💞💞

    • #101947
      Guitarstring
      Participant

      Did you have a battle with yourself about whether he abused you or you abused him?
      We have had “the chat”. I am even more confused.
      Hours of me telling him how wrongly i think he’s treated me and how wrongly he thinks I’ve treated him. Maybe we are just as bad as each other.

    • #101949
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Don’t ever blame yourself. Did you bully him, did you threaten him. You’re responses were absolutely normal ones. When someone bullies you,you push back. Remember these men aren’t always attracted to ‘weak women needing saved’. They’re attracted to strong independent women, they want to have those traits, they admire those traits send once they’ve sucked the lifesource from us,we disgust them. So no you were never the abuser. Have you read the book, Healing from hidden abuse. It covers this topic extremely well. The blame game is all part of an abusers itinerary, its their validation in their heads to abuse us.
      Think of when your partner ‘playfights’, starts off as a bit of a laugh, then he’ll clip your ear or something that hurts just a bit too much, so you hit back harder to let him know it hurt,but in his warped sense of entitlement you’ve given the first hit,you hurt him sorely,so this then validates him hitting you even harder, never mind that his hitting got harder first. So do you stop or carry on. Stop and your accused of going in the huff, of not being able to take it, carry on and you’re going to end up really hurt, and then told if you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. So either way you cant win. Only he wins, cos it’s all about winning,all about power and control.
      💞💞

    • #102648
      Guitarstring
      Participant

      Hi IWMB,

      I have been reading “Why does he do that”… amazing! It has opened my eyes so much. The amount of stuff that i have read and been able to put situations/feelings too is actually quite scary. Its made me feel much stronger.

      Thank you! I owe you such a big thanks! X*x

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