Viewing 15 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #129760
      UnhappyandDoubting
      Participant

      Hi all. I’m new . Married and completely miserable . Sometimes wondering if it’s me or if it’s in my head and suppose that’s why I’m on here. Feel like I’m constantly on edge at home. Afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing , talk on tbe phone for too long . All of that. Some days my husband ignores me and snaps at me, calls me names, makes me feel inadequate. He drinks 4 times a week , not a huge amount but to me that’s a lot. Says it’s because I’m so difficult to live with. He can be very aggressive , shouts and points at me etc but never physically abusive. Doesn’t support my hobbies and in fact makes me feel guilty about leaving the house. Passes comments to the children like your mum is going out because her hobby (not saying what it is as I am scared someone would know who I was) is mor important than her family. I’m just totally miserable.

    • #129763
      KIP.
      Participant

      What you describe is domestic abuse and coercive control and no wonder his behaviour is making you miserable. He chooses to behave this way and his behaviour is physically abusive. That aggression is designed to intimidate and involving your children is child abuse. He’s using them to control you. Please contact your local women’s aid. Abuse like this makes us feel like we are going crazy. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven or Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There’s also the national domestic abuse helpline. Keep reading other posts too. I found it helpful to read that I’m not alone x

      • #130743
        tangolover
        Participant

        Hi New and scared. i’m new too. i’m (detail removed by moderator) free of my abusive husband but unfortunately also without my children who have been made to believe mummy deserved the beatings because she’s so awful.

        if he does become physical, don’t be scared to press charges THE FIRST TIME. i was so traumatised by being attacked and locked out with no where to go and no idea what to do i couldn’t cope with the idea. i had a total breakdown and found myself (thankfully) on a (detail removed by moderator). i wish to goodness i’d had the courage to leave earlier and not end up such a wreck. the police did a child safety check the day of the final straw incident and because they’ve never been physically hurt by their dad i felt ‘ok’ about going to my family for a (detail removed by moderator) while i got my ducks in line. i had no idea of the alienation tactics that would follow and (detail removed by moderator) later i still haven’t seen my children. i cant now get Non Mol because my children are physically safe and not in immediate physical danger. the law is helpful and necessarily child focused but don’t put yourself in my position where you could be percieved as aggravating a divorce and increasing the conflict.

        please please don’t let things escalate. abuse only gets worse and its only when you leave you can fully digest whats happened to you. if he ever hurts you physically, take your kids and GO, regardless of how wrecked or confused you may be. he will do it again, worse each time. trust me. you dont want the final straw to break you fully like it did me.

        don’t be ashamed to seek support. do it NOW. tell your family whats been happening. get therapy. get a lawyer if you can. if you cant afford one its even more important to inform the police if he hurst you because for legal aid you need proof of the abuse. i’m fortunate that my family are paying for my legal and therapy fees as well as housing me, feeding me and clothing me etc. otherwise i’d be on the street as my husband stripped our bank account and left with just my (detail removed by moderator).

        well done for joining the group. i wish to goodness i’d done so while i was still in the relationship. i might not have ‘let’ things get so bad or ended up so unwell.

        keep strong.

    • #129764
      KIP.
      Participant

      An abuser will destroy our self confidence and self esteem. That makes it easier to control us. That’s what he’s doing by the name calling and blaming his excessive drinking on you. They constantly blame us and move the goal posts making it impossible for us and leaving us with head spinning and looking at our own behaviour when that spotlight should be on his behaviour. Keep a secret journal of his behaviour and how it makes you feel. Abusers also like to isolate us from anything away from them and that includes hobbies. He doesn’t want you to have your own life, everything must revolve around him and he will make it really difficult for you to have that. I eventually stopped even going out with friends and family because of his behaviour. It became too much for me and my world with him became small. It destroyed my mental health too. Don’t let him do this to you. Talk to people you trust about his behaviour. Talk to a solicitor. Don’t talk to him about what you’re doing. Get all your ducks in a row and if he senses that you’re pulling away, watch out for the cycle of abuse where he becomes the husband of the year again. That’s fake behaviour to hook you in. Bottom line is youre miserable and being abused so he gave you permission to walk away the very first time he abused you. Try writing a journal of his behaviour from the very first abusive episode. Abuse is insidious and little incidents might not stand out but when you put them all together in has a huge effect on you. Talk to your GP about counselling with someone who has a background in domestic abuse. It was really enlightening for me.

    • #129775
      Hebe
      Participant

      Hi UnhappyandDoubting

      All you have written is where so many of us have been or experiencing. KIP’s posts are so helpful. It’s only when you record the events that the pattern becomes clear and that removes the doubts.

      Counselling is a great help too as often we blame ourselves and the fight within our minds is troubling. Counselling enables us to break through those thoughts and to give a name to the tactics. It puzzles me still why expend so much energy to be so unkind? Why be so jealous of someone else’s success or enjoyment? Is it because it doesn’t involve them, they are so insecure that it threatens their existence?

      I’m no psychologist and some of the self help books give insights. The bottom line is you have the right to be you, to do what gives you pleasure and to excel at that. If someone else is so limited in themselves that they can only resort to bullying or belittling and influencing others to thing the same, then they are the ones in the wrong. It’s what we would say to our children.

      Not everyone has the same values and it is a shock to learn that a partner has very different values to you when you thought they were on the same page. When I realised this, quietly I started to take a step away. I could never challenge their thought processes as they were always right. Even if it was illogical. If I did challenge, then I was belittled or shouted at. So puzzled, I stopped, it didn’t mean I agreed with them. They took my silence as acquiescence. It took the opportunity away for those digs.

      Alcohol is a common theme too. I was criticised for cutting down and at times not drinking alcohol at all. In the end, it made it easier to decide to leave, another box ticked. He was never going to change willingly, and it was unhealthy for me to be a part of it.

      Take your time, get support for the steps you need to take, keep safe.

      Hugs
      x

    • #129809
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      I could’ve written your post. Same issue with alcohol and throw in cocaine too. My life isn’t my own, constantly walking on egg shells, feeling anxious all the time without even realising it. I started a hidden journal on my phone and it has really opened my eyes to the patterns and regularity of this behaviour. What’s next I don’t know but you are not alone and do not deserve this.

      • #129904
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Exactly the same for me, I could have written your comment! Alcohol and cocaine and he refuses to take responsibility apart from the odd occasion when he wallows in self pity about it and says how he doesn’t want to be drinking/doing drugs and wants to quit. Of course it never happens. I used to feel sorry for him (and still do to an extent) but I’ve become so tired of it now. Someone on the forum told me feeling sorry for him won’t stop the abuse and it’s so true. It’s just a neverending cycle of abuse and alcohol/drugs are no excuse. We are not their rehabilitation centres. My therapist told me it’s not my responsibility and it’s true. We’ve just been conditioned to feel responsible for them and it takes time to unlearn that. Hope you’re ok xx

    • #129818
      UnhappyandDoubting
      Participant

      Bananaboat

      Sending hugs. It isn’t easy. Sorry you’re experiencing the same x

    • #129850
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I’m new and I feel a little out of my depth here. I’m not very familiar with technical stuff so I’m hoping this is correct. I’m in an awful relationship. It makes you feel like you are going mad . I’ve spoke to women’s aid and told them everything that’s been going on and they have said I’m in an abusive relationship. I was told about this forum . So I decided I’d like to join up . Thanks for letting me put some stuff out there. I won’t feel alone anymore . I’m trying to get out but it’s not working as quick has I would like it too. He’s blown hot and cold over the last couple of days . He makes me feel like an idiot. Then you start to have other self doubts too.

      • #129905
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Well done for joining the forum. Have you got somewhere safe perhaps on your mobile to keep a secret journal of his behaviour? This should help with the self doubt you mention.
        I’m on the verge of leaving too. Please don’t put pressure on yourself or feel bad for things not moving quickly enough. You can only do things at your own pace and leave when you’re ready. We are all here to support each other xx

    • #129860
      UnhappyandDoubting
      Participant

      My relationship is exactly the same! We can support each other. Here anytime for a chat x

    • #129927
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      I took the advice on here and started reading Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ and it is so eye opening!! So many behaviours I’d excused as just being his personality are actually part of the abuse, there’s a section which covers alcohol and drugs too and guess what, curing these addictions won’t cure the abuse like I’d been hoping. If you’re feeling confused or alone I’d suggest a read, google to find a free version.x

    • #129935
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Iam new and rubbish with technology. I’m being a parrot here but I’m going to blame myself for everything. It’s all my fault . I was wrong despite having conversations with womens aid . I know I’m wrong .

    • #129937
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I dont think I need to keep a journal. Yes I’ve spoke to womens aid and they said something is definitely wrong on his part but I will take the blame. I mean why not he’ll never say he’s wrong so there is only one other person who’s fault it’s got to be . Sorry this is not self pity it’s just so obvious who’s wrong little old me . I’ve got to admit to myself I’m a down right horrible person.

    • #130231
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I’m sorry I do talk utter rubbish sometimes. I was wrong to say I should take the blame. Sometimes I say things like that because I like to beat myself up rather than blame the real culprit. I am fairly new to this and a bit scared that putting some of my thoughts out there I could be doing the wrong thing but I’m here and I’ve done it so . I apologise for being an idiot. My head was all over the place but when your in a certain type of relationship your mind thoughts run ragged .

    • #130732
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      If any of my posts sounded stupid the last time I posted it was probably because I was not thinking logically. I actually do think keeping a journal is a good idea I just was not thinking straight last time I posted. Unfortunately I still have not left this hell hole. I question myself over and over even though I get told my opinions are wrong and telling me to shut up including swear words . Being told repeatedly that you are deluded also make me wonder if I should be scared to post stuff. If I have posted yet another rubbish post I might have to think about how I write stuff in future .

    • #130746
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Hey Stargazing all I hear is someone who has lost some confidence in themselves. It happens so gradually and is natural when you are having to face this horrible abuse. He does it to keep you under his control. Posting here and reading others is such an amazing step. Slowly it will become clearer as you see so many of us think or have thought and experienced the same difficulties as you are. The fog lifts completely once you leave although that also takes time. Be gentle with yourself getting out is a journey x*x

    • #130758
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thank you Watersprite . Your lovely message means a lot. I feel happy that this forum is here for all who needs it . I tried to share stuff with the family but I think it is hard for them to process it . At least on the forum we can express ourselves openly and get a great deal of support. My excuse for not moving out is probably because I dont want to believe its happening I don’t think anyone wants to believe it. My day will come I’m sure until then I’ll try to make a bit more effort in looking after myself . Thank you so much for everything.

    • #130759
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Also please can I just say just by having a little bit of time on the forum and reading the messages makes me feel just a tiny bit stronger even if it’s only for a short while . I am writing my little messages also when that horrible person is not in the house . My little bit of freedom. Kind regards Stargazing

Viewing 15 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content