New and so thankful to have found this

[Ladybirdfairy]

I have been searching for some support for a while and I am happy that I have found this. On the advice of other threads that I have read on the forum I have started to read living with the dominator and I cannot believe the way is describes my husband. I feel validated that what I have been going through for so long is real as lots of us women share such similar stories. We have a (detail removed by Moderator) and a (detail removed by Moderator) child together. The (detail removed by Moderator) has no relationship with her father. She was the apple of his eye until she was old enough to answer back and tell him he isn’t always right. She sticks up for me too which he doesn’t like. She will not come out of her room when he is around. If she does she is bound to be criticized. When he is not here she comes out of her room and takes part in family life. Having read living with the dominator I have realised that I do not spend enough time with her as I do not want his disapproval. I have told her I am sorry for this and she said it doesn’t matter because it would make things worse if I tried to love her and spend more time with her. This breaks my heart that she is able to understand this at her young age. The relationship that he has with the other child is fantastic. He is only small and idolises his dad.
He will not let me refuse sex. If I do he stomps around and will go in a mood with me for days, He will tell me I must be seeing someone else. Or he will engage in sexual acts with me (I don’t say anything) without my consent. He tried to sleep with my best friend the night the (detail removed by Moderator) was born but is in denial that this ever happened and made me cut that friendship. He tried to touch another friend one night and I was there but he laughs it off and says he was too drunk to even remember.
He offers me no support My family have been ill – he will not ask about them. When I was doing my degree he gave me no support and still expected me to do everything else. (work, children, housework, taking him places.)
He has a very well paid job and we live in an expensive house in the middle of nowhere as he dislikes neighbours and noise. Apart from him paying for the house, we as a family see no benefit of his well paid job. I am in huge debt which he doesn’t know about as I was trying to keep up with his expectations and had no money. I do not feel that I can talk to him about this debt.

I do everything in the house as up until (detail removed by Moderator) I was working part time and so took on the role of everything else. He doesn’t do a thing. I have employed a cleaner out of my own money as I now work full time and needed some support in the home. He mocks me for this but doesn’t offer help.
He dislikes all of my friends, he refers to them all as tramps. He questions why I would want to spend time with them. On the occasions that he ‘lets me go out with them’ he gives me curfews and tells me not to take the p**s. I don’t. I do not see them in the evening as he would moan and accuse me of having an affair. It isn’t worth it.
He dislikes my family and makes them uncomfortable when they are here. I have them at my house around (detail removed by Moderator) times a year as it is too difficult. I see them regularly (obviously during the day) as it could not interrupt his evening routine.
If I do not sit in the right place, want to watch the tv programme that he does or make the right face at the TV he will shout at me. if I don’t want to go to bed with him when he does then he will shout.

He used to tell the (detail removed by Moderator) when she was little that I didn’t want to be with him because I wanted to be with someone else. He is very manipulative with the little one. But I love that they have a good relationship and don’t want to ruin it.
He is very aggressive in his behaviour and the way he talks to me (and the (detail removed by Moderator)) he calls me names. He broke (detail removed by Moderator) phones in the lockdown period throwing them at me. He is not violent regularly, he has never hit me. He has thrown things at me and pushed me. he has held me down when I have tried to leave. When I have left in the past for fear of my safety if I haven’t managed to take the children/child he has told me they are ill and I need to return. Or he has told me that he wants to take his own life. He makes threats about me and my family and says he will make life very difficult. (I did leave him for a while a (detail removed by Moderator) ago and he did make things difficult) he is very well connected.
I did slap his face once when he wouldn’t stop being vile to my daughter.
My I have to have a dbs for my work and he often tells me he will tell my work that I have taken drugs. ( I have long ago recreationally)
When he knows that he is loosing control he will tell me I am ugly and fat etc.
We met when we were very young and have built a life together and I am sad that we are not able to live that life. I morn for what should be. I have not had sex with him the whole of this week and so he is stomping around but feels bad and so has just gone shopping (for the first time in what I can remember he wouldn’t even go when I thought I had COVID!)
He is very sweet sometimes. He has a great relationship with the small son. He has a terrible time with his parents and so I think some of his behaviour is down to that. I just don’t know if I should carry on and try to get him to change some of his behaviour. I know that not everyone is happy in their relationships ALL of the time.
And I am too scared to leave. I will need support with housing as my credit rating is so low due to the debt. I have a good job now and can provide for my children but I will need someone to take a chance on me.
I also want to know as our house is rented with a joint tenancy will I still be liable for the rent on this house if I leave.
I know that thy only person who can get me out of this mess is myself. I,m not sure that I am strong enough.

[gettingtired]

Hi ladybirdfairy, this man sounds absolutely awful!
There’s no excuse for his nasty behaviour, my partner has a manipulative, n********tic parent and I used to blame it on that but now I’ve read up on abuse and know it’s their choice to behave this way. So many people experience abuse/terrible things growing up but are not abusive.
Just starting off the replies by suggesting you contact your local women’s aid, I’m not very clued up on financial/housing advice but from what I’ve read on here they are extremely helpful.
I’m sorry to say this but his behaviour is going to be very damaging for your daughter. I’m sure you already realise this and I can understand you must feel huge guilt but this is his fault not yours! I grew up with a rather unsupportive Father who always used to compare me and my siblings (even on our looks!), maybe different to yours but I know his parenting really damaged my self esteem and probably partly explains why as an adult I was straight into an abusive relationship (and am still in it).
This forum is wonderful for realising you’re not alone, all the women on here understand and have been/are going through it.
Yes not all couples are happy 100% of the time but many people get to live an abuse-free life in their relationship. Something that seems very alien to us!
It’s going to be a long, difficult road ahead but you absolutely are strong enough. It’s a huge step in itself coming on here and admitting the abuse. I haven’t long found this forum/realised my relationship is abusive and some days I feel pathetic and weak like I’ll never be able to be without him and others I feel a bit stronger. Keep posting on here, google the cycle of abuse, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance, check out the book list on here – these are all things that have been suggested to me on here and they really do help you to understand what’s going on xx

[Ladybirdfairy]

Thank you getting tired for answering me.
It’s such a relief in a way to know that it’s not all in my head. To know other people have similar experiences. Not that I want anyone to go through what I have.

I know I’m going to have a tricky road ahead. But I think I have to do this for my children. Although he has a good relationship with the boy I feel like as soon as he is old enough to answer back he will receive the same abuse.

And you are right I have to defend my daughter. I want her to have healthy relationships when she is older.

Thank you for your suggestions. I feel stronger with the information that I have learnt so far after finding this site. I can only get stronger.
I’ve only really been honest with myself writing all of this down today. I’ve blocked so much out.

I suppose because ive always been told I am a bad person / mother I believe it. It’s hard to try and overcome that. I know I have done things wrong too.
It’s time to sort my life out. It’s so hard when you have what I now know is a trauma bond with someone because he is cross and stomping or feeling sorry for himself and I just want to make it all better for him. (Like I have always done in the past.)
Thank you for also sharing some of your story. I hope you receive the peace that you deserve.
Thanks.

[gettingtired]

Well done to you x it is easier to stay in denial. Sometimes it’s not even denial it’s just not being aware it’s abuse. I wish I had been taught about it in school to know the warning signs. Maybe then I wouldn’t be wasting time with him.
Yes it sounds like once your son becomes more aware/old enough to work out what’s going on he will get the same treatment.
I know. It’s awful when you really think about what we are subjected to. Constant put downs that you begin to believe. Like you said it’s very hard to overcome but as I have been told by the wonderful women on here; knowledge is power.
I found the book Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft really helpful.
Take care and keep posting x

[Hawthorn]

Welcome to the forum Ladybirdfairy!
Such a brave step, realising what’s happening and reaching out here is the first step to getting out! You are so brave and stronger than you know, dealing with and surviving the abuse takes nerves of steel. Keep reading here and reach out to your local women’s aid for additional support, they have been invaluable to me.
You need to be smart. He will pull out all the stops if he realises you are making plans to leave. You need to start getting your ducks in a row; tell your GP about the situation and start a log of the abuse(dates, times, details, if you can safely get recordings of him shouting at you save those too). Its best to save these on your work computer as he may have tracking devices on your home laptop/phone etc. Somewhere he wont find it.
Keep educating yourself about the patterns of coercive control; the isolation from friends and family, intermittent niceness and coercive sex is all part of it. He is grooming your son and manipulating him, this is a dangerous situation for you and your children. He groomed you too. That’s what they do. Speak to womens aid and make a safety plan. Do not confront him or say anything- your silence towards him is your greatest power now.
I dont know if you need to hear this but you dont deserve this. You deserve so much better.
Stay safe and sending hugs, keep posting here and let us know how you’re getting on xxxx

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