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I have never felt so unwell, I feel I’m going mad, my ex has played games with my mind and has blamed me to everyone, he has also told me he is getting Counciling for the abuse I gave him. One night he was on his phone looking at pictures, I simply said oh let’s have a look at your pictures, his reply was “why” I said I’d just like to see your pics, he said yer but why” he wouldn’t let me see them and obvs this made me think he had something to hide. (detail removed by moderator) he didn’t talk to me then came in and chuck his phone next to me saying go on have a good old look. Obvs I didn’t want to see them at that stage. He would minimise his computer screen if I went near him then I’d ask why and he would get angry and abusive with me. If we went out together he would eye women up in front of me even wanting to go outside if she went out there. I’d want to leave and he would say I have serious issues and needed help for jealousy. Then say I’m boring for not wanting to go out with him. I told him something when we met that was horrific for me to see and deal with and in arguments he would mock what I’d been through saying ohhh your such a victim. I have (detail removed by moderator) and he once came in the room after we argued saying f**k**g (detail removed by moderator), then when I said I can’t believe you can say that he would say I didn’t say you did I!! I just said the word. He is quite, clever, soft and comes across as a caring man, but is telling everyone I’ve got issuse He would scream and shout, name call mock then say, I didn’t say that, you started it all. It got where I recorded arguments just so as I could show him what he would say and do,And to prove to myself I wasn’t mad, and so as I had proof of who was the trouble maker. He would then refuse to hear the recordings saying If I told people you record they would say your a n****r and abusing me. I feel so misunderstood and know that I only have any issue because of what he has done. But I’m constantly questioning was it me. What he mocked me for was life changing and I had Counciling for it. When I say mock I mean he would act it out What had happened saying does that touch a nerve??
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A poem I wrote about this man.
The weak man
It all starts so softly, you feel your adored.
As he listens so tenderly to your every word,
He says where have you been for all of my life. Wish it were you, I had met, married , and made my wife.But now, I have found you and this much is true, I need to be with you my whole life through,
He says sweetheart your beautiful, Real love as it seems,
but his eyes are not on you, broken heart, broken dreams.He starts to do small things to keep you on edge, but telling you always, it’s all in your head.
The small things keep coming, and after a while, every day it gets harder, much harder to smile,“your getting so miserable,” he often said, there’s nothing I’ve done to put that in your head.
The lies that I told, were all very small, and now you bring it up as an emotional tool.
The pics on my phone, I would not let you see, and that was your reason for not trusting me?
Your jealous, pathetic you need to grow up, you need to get help before we split up.
You say, I put the worry’s that are all in your head. By Saying I fancied a girl at work, wanted to take her to bed.
So now when we argue and I’m off to work, your fussing about aftershave and that makes me smirk. 😏I know all the worry’s that Ive planted there, but you better not mention them you better not dare.
Because, if you so much as try bringing them out, I’ll be viscous and spiteful of this have no doubt.
remember the hurt ??? Him hanging, cutting his wrists, all the secrets you shared, but my mocking persists, and I know that it hurts you, it’s what I like to do, saying things normal people would say are taboo.So you better say sorry apologies for your ways, better still, get some Counciling for a number of days.
I do Hope you realise, the worry’s all in your mind, it wasn’t something you saw, you saw nothing, your blind.The next time you ask me about something I do, I simply won’t answer, for a whole week through.
And if you try and talk, I’ll ignore all your pleas, unless you apologise down on your knees.
And If days of ignoring you, has you upset, ohhhh I’ll get the violins out, is this victims best bet.I didn’t need a reason to get up and go but I wanted to blame you, as my final blow.
So when the police came, and they asked me to leave, it was thee perfect moment, to once more see you grieve,I knew I was leaving I’ve known all along,
My abuse has been constant my words all to strong,
But please do not think that my game will end there,
I’ll tell you I love you On that I will swear,
and just when you think that I’m sorry at all, I will just leave you waiting for my special call,I’ll promise to visit then not come at all.
Tell you it’s all your fault, just to be cruel.
Then I’ll try and be caring once more just to see, if I can take ONE more advantage between you and me.
You say, promise you’ll call me and let’s sort this out. But I have no intentions so I scream and shout, I pretend that I’m loopy and I can not cope,
not saying I want you, but giving you hope.My name is ——— I’ve been badly abused I feel mental feel angry feel oh so confused. But I know that he hates me, I’ve known for a while, no woman crying should make a normal man smile,
So I’ve made a decision that hurts me a lot. To remember you hurt me because I Always… forgot.
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I went through something very similar. That is a n**********c man. They like to hide things then make you out to look like your crazy and say what you talking about I never said that. Then they look at other girls and when it bothers you then they call you jealous or that you have low self esteem and make u feel like c**p because of them! They are the problem not you my dear. Not you! Stay strong, and pray, look to God to give you peace you will find it.
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Wow hurthurthurt that poem is deep. Good on you fir having the courage to do that. It does take alot to even write down the things that have happened to us because it hurts. How are you feeling today? And you know what I realised with my abuser! The things he would accuse me of, is actually what he has been doing. Looking or cheating with men, impossible when I’m taking care of my children. I soon discovered he was actually having sex with multiple women and on these dating sites, yeah I was home doing my womanly duties!!! Xx
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You’re not going mad either. You’re just awakening! Your abuser wants you to believe you are so you’ll play further into his hands x
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Oh my goodness – do not blame yourself – I struggle daily with arguments about him messaging other girls, liking photos, looking at girls… I get called boring, or fat, or moody. If it was the other way round i dread to think what would happen, he is just as sneaky too, and sometimes i think just does things on purpose to make me worry or feel s**t on purpose.
Then i think, they can fall for his charm, his looks, but hes a monster underneath and i laugh now.You are not going mad, or a n****r, you are being hurt by someone who is meant to care for you. Remember that
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Hey Browneyesp
Thank you for your message, I think yours does do things to upset you and keep you on your toes, seems to be a theme with these men. Don’t you just wish that you didn’t care at all and they’d be playing their stupid spiteful games alone. Mine has left me. Probably for the best as I don’t know I could have done it. I’m struggleing I’m not going to lie, but at least I’m not second guessing everything or spending my days wondering if it’s all in my head but knowing his a very spiteful person who has no feelings or empathy for the real love he had from me.
I hope your ok and thank you xx -
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Hi helphelphelp. Sadly it is really common for abusers to accuse their victims of abuse. Because they are so nice infront of other people, they are believed. Whilst we are ourselves infront of other people, we are honest and they see our behaviour as abusive rather than hurt, because that is what they are being told.
I’m afraid you won’t be able to reason with this man. If you produce evidence of his behaviour, he won’t see the light and try to change, he’ll turn it back on you; this couldn’t possibly be his fault after all!
Well done for posting. This is the beginning of a journey for you. As and when you are ready, people will start to share experiences and knowledge with you that can be really helpful. You are not alone and you are not mad.
Recording him is a good idea just so that you can listen back afterwards. It is really common to have moments where you think you’ve imagined it or you’ve blown it all out of proportion. Listening to the recordings helps to keep your head straight because you can prove to yourself what was and wasn’t said. By listening back, you will also start to understand how he manipulates things and that is very empowering. However, the only people you can share the recordings with are the police – if you choose to take that route at some point, so don’t be tempted to release them to your friends. xx
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Hi helphelphelp,
That is a wonderful poem, but sadly written from the heart and from real experiences. It also gives the traumatic experience you witnessed that he is taunting you about. For any person to mock you on that, they would be cruel. For your partner to do it makes it doubly cruel.
You do not mention children, so I presume there are none in this relationship?
Your partner is an uncaring, master manipulator who does what he wants in his life whilst keeping you on the back burner for when he needs something. You have some uses for him, so he needs to keep you dangling so he can use you when it suits and then cast you aside again until the next time. He’ll do this to any woman, so try not to take it personally, it just happens to be you at this moment in time. When you finally have your ‘enough’ moment and leave him he’ll eventually move on to someone else who will do, but not before trying to entice you back, because it’s easier for him to get you back than have to start all the charade of love bombing someone new.
His treatment of you has worked. It has made you feel that you are crazy, unwell, unsure of yourself, doubting yourself, doubting your decision, lowered your confidence, unsure of what to do. Any person who feels this way is not going to make a decision to leave someone and start a new life alone because they are unsure of where to start, how to cope, or even if they would cope?! So of course, he assumes that you’ll never leave him, and if he thinks that then he’ll never need to change. He’s not actually scared of losing you because he doesn’t for one minute think he will. He’s got you. And he has, hasn’t he? Because despite all of your evidence, your poem, your awareness – you are still wondering that little bit – is it me?
No matter how many of us on here, or how many professionals tell you it’s not you, only you will find the right time for that to register. You’re almost there…
So how do you get out of this relationship? Because that’s what you need to do. No one on this site is ever going to respond to a lady that is asking “Is it me?” and say “Oh yes, of course it’s you, have you tried this yet, have you tried that yet? You’ve not given him enough time, try that for a bit longer, and if that don’t work, how about trying this for another year or so.”
You already have the proof, you already know in your gut what you need to do. Knowing something and acting on it are two entirely different things though, I appreciate that. You have some decisions to make. Please don’t waste too much more of your life pondering what they should be. You need an exit strategy with no going back.
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Hello eggshells
Thanks for your message, yes i asked about the recordings and I’ve just got them for my own reasons, I won’t send them to anyone it’s not worth getting into trouble over, it’s just very hard when he is telling everyone his the victim and lying about the real truth of things. I’m trying to look at it that those who believe him are also being lied to so even though they are judging me they are really in the same boat, that their friend lies to them too. So not a real friendship but they are also being manipulated by him.
Many thanks xx
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Amazing poem, so sorry you wrote it, so sorry you have had to experience all that you have. I saw my life in your words. You have a true talent. I hope you’re out now? Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Humbled by your written word. X
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Hello Wants to help.
Sorry I didn’t explain on my post, he caused an argument then would Not talk for a week, nasty every time I tried to talk calmly, short of it is he was asked to leave for a short period to calm down and basically a week later called being nice and wanting to sort things out, then just turned up with a van and took everything he owned. I was shocked and upset, he said it was all my fault and I’d caused it. He then over the next (detail removed by Moderator) has been off and on with love then telling me how I ruined it all, with wanting me and needing me to coming round taking my love then disappearing for (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve been up and down and feel I’ll die of stress. I’m finding it hard as I’ve been told I have Stockholm syndrome, I couldn’t work out for the life of me how I kept letting him do it to me. But his gone, -
That is a n********t and when he has his friends lie for him and he lies for his friends that’s what the n********t uses they are called the “flying monkeys” YouTube the traits of n**********c behavior and research it, the lovebombing, gaslighting, manipulating, all of it and you’ll see. That’s what they do!
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Dear Helphelphelp
Totally agree with the ladies.
All the common traits of a N**c
Mine was the same nothing good enough always putting anyone b4 me..
Making me feel useless and doubtful of anything its really too much..
You have a real talent clearly bypassed on him.
Why are these forums becoming so popular.. because we can’t take anymore bull!!
Stay blessed -
Hey Hadit
Sorry I must have gone past your post as I’m loosing track of who I’ve answered, I read a brill book last night that was sent to me by the Author, well I read the whole book in one go but didn’t sleep the whole night, it blow my mind!! We could have all written it!! But to read what you’ve been unsure of and have it explained so well has made me slightly more believing of what’s been happening, I mean I know it has but maybe come to terms with it more I don’t know. Thank you for your reply much love x
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Hi Helphelphelp
This is just classic abuse called gaslighting and projection, you can google these terms and read how it works.
You’re right weak men do this, it’s their way of altering your sense of reality so you think you’re losing the plot (which you’re not, it’s gaslighting) and pushing his sense of shame at his actions on to you (projection).
A really unpleasant way to behave but all too familiar to many ladies on here I think you’ll find, and unlikely to improve unfortunately. -
Hello Turtledove
Thank you for your words, I’ve been reading the messages and I’m crying with the help and kindness you have all shown me. I’ve never felt so weak or needy of kind words and help, but I need to dig deep as I’ve not been able to do my job for a while because I’m feeling so unwell with anxiety sadness and all the other stuff we feel, thank you x-
Hey Tickleribber
Yes I’ve been reading about it after I called my old councillor, she said that’s what he has been doing, just can not understand why someone would waist their time on trying to turn someone that loves them deeply mad. Can not get my head around it. So very spiteful and actually dangerous. I’ve been left really unwell in my mind. Xx -
You’re welcome hun, I know how you feel I really do. Talking is good and hearing nice things is good. Even laughing and smiling is good. This forum is like my little bit of added therapy. There are some really knowledgeable, kind, caring and even funny women on here that will listen and reply in a non judgemental way and some women on here have been through really really bad things and still here, so don’t feel ashamed to speak here. Your voice will be heard. Big big hugs xx
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Your poem was really beautiful, I saw my life in your words as well so much so I’m crying as I write this.
You have some great advice here from these wonderful ladies and I hope you’re doing ok.
I started to record the arguments as well so I that I could play it back to him and he’d had to face the horrible words he used on me. So that I could remind myself of the true person I was dealing with. The one that would call me a (detail removed by Moderator). The one that would call a loved one that passed away a “(detail removed by Moderator)” and then tells me that he prays to her after.
The very intimate and painful things I shared with him in confidence used against me.
It’s not love when they knowingly use the things that hurt us to cause us so much pain.
It’s abuse and you my dear deserve so much better! I still question whether it was my fault and that’s something I think a lot of women struggle with. Trying to drown out that voice in your head that says “maybe it might be you…” No. That’s still his voice in your head. Your voice is louder, stronger and smarter.
Your writing is beautiful, don’t ever stop
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Hello Blankface
Thank you for your message, as sad as it is that we have been through this, I’m glad you like my poem, I often write them to get my pint across without just moaning, I feel I love everyone on here and wish we all didn’t hurt so much, it helps reading from you all but I find myself crying every time, as it’s hard to believe others can understand what I’ve been through when We don’t even really understand it, it’s strange how we all question ourselves that we’re mad but can then say To someone else experiencing the same they are not, isn’t it? Much love to you xx
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Hi Helphelphelp
Your poem has hit the nail on the head, I can hear the hurt and frustration of what you’ve been through.
I too do recordings because I’m told I’ve said things when I haven’t and I think I’m going mad. Been listening to them today actually after a major row which has gone all week because I forgot I was on some (detail removed by Moderator) earlier in week which I didn’t tell him about ( because I forgot until about an hour before) not that it affects him but now apparently I’m w****** myself out on the net! Have proof of the (detail removed by Moderator) but still will not take it as such.
The recordings sound exactly the same from 2 years ago, he tells me I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and refuses to listen to anything he says. I’ve now been told I got * weeks to get out ( it’s the start of (detail removed by Moderator))
He is adamant I’ve slept with blokes from work, people who live in our street who I don’t know, friends of our sons, blah blah. Interestingly, I’ve never been out. He on the other hand will constantly tell me he wants to sleeep with so and so, then tells me he could sleep with loads of women if he felt like it ( wish he would-then would leave me alone) but I’m a f**, ugly c*** and no one would want me.
I’m sorry for what you have been through, I hope you find some inner peace now💕-
Hey Scapegoat
How frustrating is it, drives us mad, I’ve lots of recordings, and I’ve videos of the mocking, it hurts so much to think someone can hit you way below the belt verbally then expect you not to retaliate, I hated being nasty bad because all I wanted was to makeup, but even when things were really good, and they were really good, I’d feel I couldn’t trust him because he found it so easy to be spiteful. Sometimes when he said something vile I couldn’t answer straight away, I’d not be able to talk, I’d just sit their mouth open. And even if I dug deep to find an equally vile thing to retaliate with, it was never as cutting as what I’d received. My biggest struggle. What I Do Not Get, is why I love him so much. I’m getting sick of myself and I feel everyone’s frustration, as they all scratch their heads saying how the hell can you be treated like that and still like the bloke. 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ Thank you and stay strong, I’m here if anyone wants a chat, and send my love to all of you xx
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“But I know that he hates me, I’ve known for a while, no woman crying should make a normal man smile” wow.. amazing poem. Resonated with me the whole way through. I went through similar. I was always accused of being the unfaithful one when he was constantly contacting other women. When I found the evidence and confronted him that’s when it started to get very nasty.
Nothing was your fault. Nothing. These creatures are cruel and heartless, they care about nothing but their own egos and what they can get out of people for their own benefit.
I hope you get the help you need, you will get stronger and these feelings will fade. I’ve been out some time now and never thought I’d be in a place where I felt so strong and he isn’t in my head 24/7.
Xx
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Hey HunkyDory
It’s nice so many like my poem, or at least feel what I’m trying to express, I can not wait for the day i feel strong, I’m exhausted from this feeling of hurt in my chest and not knowing my a**e from my elbow. I love all the messages I’m getting of how you all cope or how you are now stronger than ever. I look forward to that. Xx
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Helphelphelp one thing the recordings have done is made me see a pattern and realise it’s the same things he’s having a go about and same things he’s threatening…even going back almost (detail removed by moderator)! The sad thing is I’m standing up for myself which is why it’s getting worse but this leaves me feeling guilty. I’m not perfect and I can hold my own but I cannot make that step to leave. I worry I will hurt him (god knows why), worry he won’t manage on his own and finally he will destroy me like he tells me is going to on a weekly basis. I used to think he has a personality disorder but now I think it’s more of a control thing as can see the change when he goes from full on rage with me to being all calm and softly spoken when his mum phones (his enabler). I just don’t know how to resolve this.
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Hi Scapegoat
I feel for you, a lot, I didn’t leave, I simple asked a question and he bit my head off, a full week of screaming shouting then fingers in ears and silence, I nearly broke down from anxiety. Instead I don’t know exactly but I got in such a state I called the police, they asked him to leave for just 24 hours, but he never came back, well he did but not to stay, just to upset me over and over, and I let him over and over, he did it through the whole of 3 months. Until I was a shadow of myself. Blaming me for it all, telling me I won’t get anyone love me as he does. He took one more advantage after saying let’s sort this because he lives n needs me then left me and nothing. 😢 the sad truth is it won’t change darling, he won’t change and like it or not you are worth so much more than that. Love to you xx
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HelpHelpHelp,
I know what you mean about sitting there with your mouth open. It’s awful isn’t it. And your head is going a million miles an hour trying to make sense of what has just happened and trying to find the next step forward. I find my OH says things which are either not true or deliberately confusing to try to throw me off track. The thing is that, mostly, you have no proof that they are not true, so even for a nanosecond, you might question them, which trips up your thought process. And the argument stops having any sense in it because nothing links up. That’s just designed to confuse us, isn’t it, to make us feel like we’re going mad. We once had a big argument in the car (well, he did) and it felt like there were fireworks in my head because nothing he said made any sense. He accused me of saying things I hadn’t said, of being things I wasn’t (eg vindictive), just went on and on, and I had no idea what to say because there was no sense in any of it. I just had to sit and take it.-
Hey lottieblue
Exactly!! I had a little giggle about the convos not making sense, just because it’s hard to explain to those who haven’t experienced it, I said to my friend to explain, it’s a bit like your just chatting about something, then in the middle of a sentence one says cabbage treacle over the stars, and the other person is left thinking WHAT???? the hell was that? But yes convos would go from something I’d bought up that I was not happy about to me being vile spiteful and not understanding about something completely different, I don’t know how anything that bothered me ended up with how nasty I am? 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ Don’t think we will ever get because we arnt meant to, it’s all to keep us feeling 🤪🤪🤪 isn’t it xx
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