New and struggling after leaving (removed by Moderator)

[Sunflowersandstars]

Hi everyone,

I guess I’ve been in denial for a long time. I was with my ex for an extremely long time and he was my first boyfriend. I managed to do things gradually- told him I wanted a break first, split up but remained living together and being friends then I moved out. I done all this for various reasons- I still get guilty and get responsible for him and also we had dogs together and I knew the first thing he would do when I got it was prevent me seeing them. I guess things didn’t sink in until after I left. How ever I was aware of his mistreatment for a number of years I just buried it rather than dealing with it cos I felt I couldn’t leave him (his mum passed and he didn’t have a relationship with his dad) so he often told me he wouldn’t cope without me etc. i left (Detail removed by Moderator) and it seems to all just be catching up now. I’m not sure what to do about this or who to talk to. I’ve tried to explain it to my new partner but I really don’t want to go into details with him incase he judges me for it. I’ve spoke to one friend a little about some things but we live in a small town and he’s told people I left him for one of his friends and that it wasn’t probably going on before we split etc etc (my new partner was friends with him for a period of time a number of years ago and we always got along well)and I’ve lost the majority of our mutual friends cos they believe I’ve done him wrong! I’ve kept my mouth shut and left him to it. I have evidence of him admitting things and being threatening by txt messages that I’ve kept hold of. I don’t get to see our two dogs and he caused so much hassle for me at the vets for my other dog by changing ownership into his name (all (Detail removed by Moderator) were in my name, (Detail removed by Moderator) dog was solely mine they hated each other) I actually have my dog to thank for getting me out the rut and motivating me to leave. Anyway long story short I feel he’s still affecting me and I hate myself for it. I’ve looked online and now realise that the fear/obligation/guilt is normal but I don’t know why now im out I can’t move on properly. My partner is really nice and I love him a lot but I constantly look for warning signs that he might be like my ex, I get in going to ruin it. I’ve just recently spoken to him very briefly about trying to deal with it, (Detail removed by Moderator) so I’m worried about telling him stuff and it affecting him at work. I’m also really really ashamed about it all and can’t believe I put up with the things I did and don’t want anyone to know at the same time as wanting to talk to someone and get it out. Although things weren’t too bad physically (one broken bone but never punches to the face etc- i almost always hit him back after the first couple of years) Which I am definitely not proud of and was one of the reasons for leaving- I hated who I could become around him. It was more the emotional damage, financial abuse etc he told everyone I owed him money and he kept me- in fact for the last (Detail removed by Moderator) years of our relationship I didn’t pay half the bills I returned to uni after he got caught (Detail removed by Moderator) and I had to take the fall but I still worked part time and contributed, walked away from the home and savings we had and took the couple of credit cards with me. But he somehow thinks he’s hard done by. I just don’t know what to do at this point- I’m terrified to start thinking and talking about it cos even doing this there’s lots of things coming into my mind- I don’t remember a lot from my (Detail removed by Moderator) and I’m not sure I want to. Sorry if it’s a bit all over the place but that’s where my minds at just now- did he really treat me that bad? Then I think about it and can’t believe I dealt with al that- I was always very open about my feelings towards him and in most cases after an outburst he could see things from my point and would apologise but he never got there on his own. I’ve seen a CBT while I was still with him which he knew about, I always told him I would never marry him, have kids with him or even go on the rent book for the house. My only regrets are not leaving sooner and not bringing my other (Detail removed by Moderator) dogs with me. Any advice greatly appreciated. I do the following to help myself;
Write
Yoga
Mediation
Reiki
I’m wondering if maybe helping others would help me I’ve had a lot of thoughts about how domestic violence should be something kids are educated on early and the warning signs etc, my ex was such a nasty piece of work at times it was like he was two different people which is why I think I had such a difficult time leaving. Any help greatly appreciated

[freedomtochoose]

Welcome on here,
sorry to hear about what you have been through. Sounds like it would be
good to take things one step at a time.
The four things you have mentioned are good to help and I do them do apart from Reiki.
I don’t know how you are for funds but if you can private counsellor may be a possibility
the British association for Counselling and Psychotherapy have a list with specialisms.

I feel it is early days for you at the moment and sounds like you have a lot going on so anything which gives you a bit of space to process stuff is good idea. Keep posting…
all best
ftc
x

[Sunflowersandstars]

Thank you, unfortunately I’m not in a financial position at the moment but I have private health insurance through work so may be able to look into that. I’m just really disheartened cos I thought I had dealt with and processed while I was still staying there then the few months after, but obviously not. I don’t want him to have anymore of my time and my partner and I get along so well I feel it’s so unfair. I think looking online at all the similar stories and the signs/emotions etc have just made it sink in and I can’t deny it to myself any longer. The main thing I’m thinking about now is I don’t want people to know but feel like I’m carrying a dirty secret around which is adding to the feelings of shame so what do I do about that? I’m not even sure how he would react if I told anyone and I already have nightmares and irrational thoughts about him coming to my home. I’m also not sure how I would be if I had to face him so avoid places he may be then I’m annoyed at myself for being frightened. It’s a constant battle on my head recently and keeps coming to the surface no matter how much I distract my thoughts. It’s not even an option to have some time to myself just now (I thought about a retreat which I done while I was still living with him) but my dogs not great at the moment and needs an op (which is stressing me out so bad- I’m terrified I lose him now I’m out cos he genuinely played such a big part in helping me find a piece of my broken self and building it up. I’m quite spiritual and my thoughts are he was found me to set me free and now he’s served this purpose he may leave me- very dramatic I know) so the stress of that probably isn’t helping me. Thanks so much for your response I hope you are managing well

[freedomtochoose]

I’m managing okay thanks. I can’t say what it is I am doing at the moment,
but it has a lot to do with looking at shame in these circumstances.
Try to google Dr. Paul Gilbert you tube and try to focus on self-compassion,
even self-compassion meditations and shame.

They are proven to help alleviate this sort of suffering.
Being kind to yourself takes a lot of practice, it doesn’t necessarily take very long but it
is just about finding the right thing to suit your life and your lifestyle.
well done for posting here.
These things take time
ftc
x

[Sunflowersandstars]

Thank you I will have a look, I’ve always suffered from social anxiety (hate being centre of attention) my new partner thinks it because I feel I’m not important/as important as others, it definitely makes sense in terms of my childhood so I’m going to work on self worth and confidence. Thanks again I really appreciate it.
SaS

[Whywhywhy]

Hi ladies im quite new here just found out hes seeing someone who was ment to be my best friend why do i miss him so much now i actually dont no how to cope with this feel broken all over again xx

[Sunflowersandstars]

Whywhywhy you are better off without him, you deserve better than that. You deserve to be loved and appreciated. Wish them luck and run like hell in the opposite direction!

SaS

[Whywhywhy]

Thanks for your support just struggling to think that a man that abused me that badly can move on so quickly i gave nearly (Detail removed by Moderator) to this man and it hurts allot more than any bruise xx

[Sunflowersandstars]

I always felt the emotional abuse was way worse than physical but this is probably his aim- to hurt you. Try and ignore them and concentrate on you, one day at a time. Best of luck
SaS

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