New, Confused, Domestic Abuse?

[Loopy2]

Hi.  I am new to the forum.

A bit of a background.  My daughter mentioned in school that she was scared of her Dad which prompted them to contact Child Services.  While they were involved with us, they were concerned that my Partner was moody therefore, making my daughter scared of him, but they were more concerned about me.  After talking to me, they asked if I realised that I was in an emotionally controlling relationship.  She pointed out that my Partner showed all signs of n********m and that she was really worried about me.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and suddenly it all made sense.  I have known I’ve been completely miserable for years but every time that he’s picked up on the fact that I’m not happy or I’ve actually built up the courage and told him it’s not working, he’s walked out and come back the next day saying that he was going to kill himself.  He knows full well that my (detail removed by moderator)

(detail removed by moderator) convinced the Health Visitor that I was struggling and may have PND (which I wasn’t, I was loving it) so I went back to work.  He proudly told everyone that he was a house husband (not married) but he has never done anything around the house.  (detail removed by moderator)

I have since become disabled and work from home and again, he now tells everyone how he is a house husband (still not married) and he is my carer.  The truth is, the only thing he does is the school runs and cooks dinner and the rest of the day is spent on his phone playing games.  I struggle to do even the simplest of tasks on a daily basis especially after working.  Our house is just dirty and messy so I’m always having to try and find the energy to clean little bits and do as much as my body will let me do which will leave me in agony for hours/days after.  After I’ve put myself through this, he always has to tut and criticise at least one thing (detail removed by moderator)

He’s also very moody.  Doesn’t like anyone sitting close to him because he likes his own space.  Doesn’t like anyone being in his way if he’s on the way to the kitchen.  We’re all walking on egg shells.  The kids obviously love their Dad so I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.  When he’s nice, he’s lovely but that’s now rare and far between unless it’s front people then he’s wonderful of course.  I can’t leave because if he does kill himself, it will be my fault and my kids will never forget me (detail removed by moderator).

I’m sorry this is such a long post but I’m drowning.  I’m already in pain 24/7 with my health and my mental health has never been great.  This situation is making everything unbearable.

[Lisa]

Hi Loopy2,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for opening up about your situation. I hope that you find this a safe space to share support with other women.

When you start to realise that your partner is abusive, that leaves you with a huge amount to process that can feel really overwhelming. What you’ve described is domestic abuse and I’m glad that the person from child services picked up on it so that you can start reaching out for support. Threatening suicide is a very common tactic that perpetrators use to keep control and stop a partner from leaving. It is almost always just a threat to manipulate you, but even if he did end his life, it would never be your fault. He is an adult and if he is struggling with those thoughts then it’s his responsibility to get support, it isn’t fair to put it solely on your shoulders as a way of preventing you from getting free of his abuse.

You might find it helpful to use Women’s Aid’s Live Chat service to speak with a support worker about the abuse. They can help you understand your experiences and let you know about your options for support and next steps. For some ongoing support, you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service. You deserve to have support to make sense of everything and decide what you want.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[sea lion]

Hi Loopy2,

I wanted to reply to you, there are so many similarities with my story and what you have described. I also had abuse observed and pointed out by a 3rd party (professional) and things started to fall into place although I still doubt myself. My ex threatened suicide often, basically towards the end, any time I did something that was an attempt to get my voice heard. I was terrified of them completing suicide when I left and it made it an exceptionally hard thing to do, I didn’t manage to leave on my 1st few attempts due to this fear. What I can say, is I did leave, and it didn’t happen, although the threats continued for some time, trying to get my attention in different ways. It’s been a while now and my worst fear (ex’s suicide) hasn’t come to fruition, I’m beginning to understand that it was a form of control. Although processing is really hard and the abuse is not over for me, life is so much calmer, it has made me realise that the life I was living previously was filled with fear.

[Loopy2]

Thank you very much for your reply.  I’m so happy you have managed to escape and I hope the abuse comes to a complete end soon.

I think this is the worst part for me.  The times he has shown me the knife he has taken with him, or told me that he has sat down and wrote notes to the kids for me to give them after he’s gone.  My heart has gone in to my mouth thinking about how the kids would feel and how they would blame me.  I lost my Dad to suicide in (detail removed by moderator) and I know what it does to the family.  He knows how hard that hit me and that’s why he’s doing it.

He really knows what buttons to push to keep me where I am.  I am so trapped.  I have to think of the kids as well.  I mostly feel that they will be so much better off not living with someone so toxic but then at the end of the day, he is their Dad and I don’t want to be the one that gets blamed for everything.  I’m always catching him whispering to our Son, especially when he’s had a drink.

Why is it so hard?  You are so brave x

[Author]

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