new & confused/scared

[Teaandcats]

I’m not sure how to start. I’m new to everything, both here and to recognising/acknowledging that this is/has been going on. Husband = coercive controlling. We are separated and living apart but nothing has changed, and he’s come back a few times. We have children, house, joint everything… Long story short, recently a professional who’s been working with us talked to me about their concerns for abuse and shared that there were a few people who thought the same. It’s been a very quick journey from being completely unaware that what I have been experiencing isn’t ‘normal’ to talking about statements, non-molestation orders, police, court, abuse support organisations etc. I has read about gaslighting a long time ago and identified with it talked about it briefly but no one else saw it so I put it to the back of my head because it felt too overwhelming, and I convinced myself that isn’t what’s happening here.

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what I hope to get from writing this. Clarity maybe, because at the moment I feel so confused and scared.

I keep flipping back and forth between if I want to continue toward the ‘legal’ route, or, turn around, retreat back and hope things work out without lawyers/courts/police etc. If I go legal, it’ll impact so much more, for example my relationship with the wider family whom I like, mean the trauma of court, and the school (if social worker hasn’t already shared with them), friends & family finding out about what’s been going on for real, rather than the drips of excuses we’ve shared to go with their assumptions. It’s literally mine and the children’s entire life that will suddenly be up for public consumption. That little voice in my head keeps asking WHY? Why go through all of that when there’s a chance that he might agree to part ways fairly and actually follow through on that agreement. He might suddenly change his yes/no/yes/no-ing and decide on doing what’s best for us all, and might just stop with how he’s been treating me. But rationally, I know nothing is going to change – I’ve made too many excuses for him, supported him in getting help and support from professionals in various forms, and everything else in between. He can’t/won’t change.

And that’s my thinking when I’m not sitting here questioning if I am, in fact, experiencing any of this at all, or if it isn’t simply all in my head and I am the crazy, lying person he has said I am, and I sometimes think I am. One moment I’m certain of what I want, think and feel, and the next I’m not. I’m questioning, doubting, terrified of what’s next, what will happen. All of these thoughts can happen in the time it takes me a make a drink; I’ll convince myself it’s all in my head, I can’t go through with it, maybe I didn’t try hard enough, I’m being too harsh, he’s a good person and the legal process will ruin him, it’ll be too much to cope with, how do I explain to the children, what if I am the abusive one after all and not him… It sounds insane to think/type now, but earlier today I was once again wondering if coercive control isn’t something that the social worker and other people involved in supporting my family have cooked up between themselves to explain what’s going on. For a while it was ‘concerns for mum’s mental health and emotional state’, and a whole bunch of other things at various times as the reason for all of our difficulties, so why not this too? Maybe they just fancied seeing if this idea would stick so they can stamp the file and ship us off to another agency, case closed. For a few moments, minutes, hours, I’ll be completely convinced that I’m off my rocker and be at the point of calling the worker to cancel everything, to say I’ve made an enormous mistake and I’m sorry but stopstopstop right now, no more.

I’ve had a really difficult time managing my mental health and have only just allowed myself to recognise just how awful I’ve been feeling for a number of years. I’ve not prioritized myself at all – the kids come first, then him, then work, housekeeping…the list goes on and on, and always has done. But this is the first time I’ve really allowed myself to acknowledge how often I dismiss my thoughts and feelings because I don’t want to have any part in them – I put them in a little box o v e r t h e r e and completely disconnect because it’s too much. And as the workers have been doing the questionnaires and taking statements etc, those boxes have flown open and completely overwhelmed me. I’ve had 2 ‘I feel like I’m dying from a heart attack’ panic attacks in the past week, and cried more times that I can count. I know that for some people whom might be reading this, that crying many times in a day and panicking might be common place and something that you’ve had the horror of even more, but I’ve not cried (without something like bad news) for months, and not had a panic attack in years. Every thought/memory that comes to my head is getting stuck there and every bad feeling is staying with me and not going away.

I feel like I’m making sense and yet making absolutely no sense at all.

I want to be able to take that step and be (legally) free. Not married to him, bound through joint money and mortgage, have nothing more to do with him except for an (detail removed by Moderator) agreed plan for the children. But I am completely terrified of actually going through with it. I feel like I’ve got so much more to lose than I do to gain.

I’ve not seen my friends in such a long time. (detail removed by Moderator) of them are going out (detail removed by Moderator) for a walk in the day with their kids and I’ve agreed to go. Just the idea of going out for a walk with them feels overwhelming, but that’s a normal thing to do, right? I want to tell them what’s been going on because it feels safer to tell 2 while we’re doing something like walking, but I’m torn. On one hand, I know that I need support, to talk and reach out, rebuild and explain why I’ve been a flaky/bad/unreliable friend, to ask for their help. On the other, if I say it out loud to someone outside of the professionals, it’s real. And then there’s the ever-present fear; what if they don’t believe me, what if they tell him or their spouses and it gets back to him that I’m getting help and might do x-y-z to properly break away. I came in to an already established group which my husband was a part of; what if they choose him and I am truly and completely alone?

I’m just so scared. Even to post this. I’m just scared of everything right now.

[Whoopi5-]

Oh wow, alot of what you have written is so similar to my situation.
I am not married, but we have a house and a child.
Like you I am doubting my thoughts, doubting everything really and what you said about whether to tell your friends also resonates with me as well, although to add if I was to tell friends and it becomes real then I can’t take it back then and perhaps we can work through this.

I think you’ve done amazingly well going as far as you have and I can only advise to keep on going. I wish I was as brave, but can’t even think about don’t even know what steps to take next! My partner is in denial and when I talks about separating he just makes it physically difficult and then I seem to just carry on.
My biggest fear are his threats he will have our child and dog living with him.

If only they would all be reasonable hey and talk about separation like an adult but they just don’t do they.

All your worries, fears, thoughts are completely normal it’s just trying to find that strength to physically carry on with the professionals and stop the self doubt.

I suppose the only thing that could possibly help is that all of these thoughts and doubts you’re having you wouldn’t be having if you were in a loving happy relationship (If that makes sense)

Thinking of you x

[Teaandcats]

Thanks Whoopi5. Although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it reassuring and less lonley to know that I’m not alone.

I’m finding myself swinging back-and-forth so quickly, one minute I feel OK, then next BAM! not again… it’s exhausting. But you’re completely right; if our relationship has been happy, loving etc, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. And he wouldn’t be behaving this way either.

x

[Eggshells]

Hi Teaandcats

The confusion you are experiencing is very common.

It is the skill of the abuser to gaslight their victims into believing that they are mad or imagining the abuse. If you are still in contact with him, the abuse cycle and the gaslighting will continue. Even when abusers know that they risk loosing everything, they just don’t stop. Infact, they usually double down on all of their behaviours in an attempt to regain control.

It is not common for social services to become involved so if they are already involved then some of his abuse must have been clearly visible. There will be even more abuse – hidden abuse – that you are being exposed to that only you will have witnessed.

“Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven is an excellent and very accessible read. It describes the different types of abuse. If you can find the space to read it, it may help to dampen some of those moments of doubt. As you read it, you can actually tick off the types of abuse that you have been exposed to. It can help you to see his behaviours, more clearly, as being abusive.

Many survivors also recommend keeping a log of abusive incidents and perhaps make a note of how they make you feel. In those “Is it really abuse?” moments, you can look at your log and it will give you a little more clarity.

Just take this one step at a time if you are able. Everyone needs time to process the realisation that they have been experiencing abuse. For some it takes longer than others. You have been hurtled down this voyage of discovery by outside agencies.

Try calling your local dv charity and ask if they can support you through it. Try to read and discover as much as you possibly can. It will help you to join the scatter of dots that your life has become since you discovered that you were being abused.

Ask lots of questions on the forum. The ladies here have lived it. Everyone will understand exactly what you’re going through. xx

[Teaandcats]

Hi Eggshells. Thank you so much for your reply and the guidance & advice in it. I’ve ordered the book and will read when I feel able to and will make a log too, thank you. Having something that I can ‘do’ to help me work out what’s going on (like being here) is keeping me from sitting in my head and feeling that constant overwhelm.

[nbumblebee]

Never let it sit in your head always get it out or it will drive you mad.
Post as much as you want to ask question read as much as you can about abuse and the cycle.
Read posts on here alot of us go through very similar things its like they all go to the same school (detail removed by Moderator). We are all at different stages on here some have left and have an amazing knowledge and understanding some of us are still here still fighting our way through but we all understand just how scarey and hard this is.
We got you now so keep talking keep reaching out keep learning.
When you feel ready there are people out there who can and will help you further in your journey and who can help you move foward if and when you are able too.
Its your journey this you do things at your own pace in your own time.
Take care stay safe xxxx

[Teaandcats]

Thanks nbumblebee x

[searchingforhope]

So much of what you said resonates with me. It’s so exhausting isn’t it.

Definitely ring Women’s Aid and / or local centre, they will help reassure you.
Definitely log everything from how you feel to the incidents and his behaviour. Sometimes even typing it out or writing it out you can realise that’s not right, or if this was happening to my sister, friend, daughter I would tell them go.

mind yourself xx

[Author]

Posts