New girl

[Sci-figirl]

I broke up with my boyfriend days ago. I’ve only just realised that he was/is emotionally abusing me. Despite the fact that my therapist told me so several months ago. Although we have been in an on/off semi serious relationship for years, luckily , we have only lived together for a couple of months. The damage he has caused me in that small amount of time is astonishing, I can’t imagine what he would have done to me had it been years! I am attempting no contact but we have a child. I have tried going through his family but they don’t want to get involved and there’s so much bad blood between him and my family, they can’t handle it either. Whenever I try to message him about it I get threats and abuse. He was only staying with me because his mum kicked him out. I knew I didn’t want him here already. Bad enough. But then I found messages to other girls while we were together. We’ve been on and off so I let it go. But then one night he was drunk (as usual) and after being intimate, went for a cigarette. 2hrs later he came up and said he had been talking to some girl ‘as friends’ (he barely knew her). I reacted but didn’t argue as it was the middle of the night. He flipped out. I ignored him. We had a huge row in the morning and he left. All the while saying I was a jealous l*****c! I wouldn’t mind so much, but I’m no longer allowed a conversation with my ex and we’ve always gotten on well. He had a fit so bad I had to uninvite my ex from our sons party! But I’m jealous! I was devastated. Then he texts me to say he’s coming home the next day. I told him no….I would pack his stuff. It’s been threats and abuse since then. Until last night….middle of the night text downgrading me from crazy to daft, but I’m still to blame! I have told him repeatedly that it’s about the respect. He doesn’t want anyone else I’m sure, he just wants me to know he has options because he’s paranoid about my ex. And then he’s blaming my paranoia! I saw a programme where they talked about emotional abuse and it just clicked. I looked it all up and now know that it’s exactly what our relationship is. It’s insane. I can’t believe that I fell for his games. I couldn’t see. It’s soul destroying. I thought we were in love. And the worst is that I was so miserable when he was here….but I miss him so much. I just want to talk to him. I have the perfect excuse. But I’m fighting it. Just can’t believe I’m here really. It happened so subtly. Just crept up on me. I know I’m best out of it. Just so scared I’ll go back. I can feel myself starting to rationalise it all. I want to make it okay because I don’t want to think of never being near him again. I don’t even understand that myself….it makes me mad at me!! Just so confusing ☹️

[freedomtochoose]

Well done, for posting here. Yes, it is certainly confusing when you have only just left.
People talk about the fog of abuse (fear, obligation, guilt) which is really difficult.

Well done for making moves towards separating.
step by step…
ftc
x

[Lisa]

Hi Sci-figirl,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

I’m glad to hear you are out of the abusive relationship. It can be very difficult once you have left, as you realise it was abusive but also mourn the end of the relationship.

If you can, call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Calls are answered by trained female support workers. They can talk things through with you and signpost you to other organisations that can help.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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