Viewing 24 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #68688
      Madhouse
      Participant

      Hi I’m new to this and not sure I’m doing the right thing but…
      My little one has just had a birthday and his dad my ex turned down coming to see him due to little man having (Detail removed by Moderator) and having his other kids that he didn’t want poorly so I let it go over my head it’s his lost but then on his birthday he didn’t even call or text till last thing at night when my son was in bed I was so disappointed I didn’t reply to his text and couldn’t talk to him for a few days (but bear in mind his always to busy to ask how he is I get a text or call once a week if I’m lucky) he tryed everyday but the last two when I finally picked up and called him back. I told him that I was upset and disappointed and that I just couldn’t talk to him. Everytime I spoke he talked over me being louder and putting the blame on me saying I should of called him or texted him on the day that it wasn’t his fault he forgot to send the message etc. Now I feel as if I have let my son down on his special day by not chasing his dad and doing more instead of waiting for him. Should I be taking the blame for this is it my fault. His coming (Detail removed by Moderator) too see him and I’m so worried and anxious about it I havnt even heard to see if he is still coming. I just want to do right by my son but am I really a bad mom am I letting him down and disappointing him.

    • #68689
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi @Madhouse, and welcome to the forum. It’s not your job to get him to call your son especially on his birthday, that date should be printed into his brain!!
      He’s punishing you because you had the audacity to ignore his calls and texts, his ego is hurt that’s all. 😠
      You could never let your son down my friend. You left his dad, you have him the greatest gift, a life without an abuser in it. You sound as if you’re not long away from him, he’s still calling the shots by the sound of things🤔
      Have you got a system in place that he gets to see his son, was it done through the courts or are you trying to keep it civil. Tbh civil never works with these men, they have to be right, in control.(He says when he’s coming but then its late/early, can’t give an exact time when they’re coming back so you end up staying in cos your not sure when they’ll return.) If he kicks off (Detail removed by Moderator), time to rethink visitation. Have you spoken to anyone at WA yet, they could advise you on the best plan of action. He needs to know you are in control now. There really is so much you can do to protect your sanity and keep him at arms length.
      Well done for reaching out, it’s a big step. 💛
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #68690
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Hi there , This isn’t your fault he wants to be in control pure and simple. He’s dictating when he sees his child, if he was really a good dad he would have gone about this differently. Good guys treat the mother of their children well. Do a bit of reading like Lund bankroll why does he do that and the pat craven books. You’ll see he’s turning this round on you its called victim blaming. Read up and learn, you can lift that guilt and show your child what a strong lady you are ☺we’re all here to guide the way, you won’t walk this road alone 💕💕take care Diy

    • #68691
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Lundy bancroft sorry lol

    • #68693
      diymum@1
      Participant

      It might be quite important to read safe not sorry too its by WA. The advice re court is best. WA are fighting to make contact safer, some of the info is negative but I fought my ex purely on verbal and emotional abuse, I couldn’t take anymore and worse neither could my wee girl. So the courts stopped the contact for good. It’s what you can achieve so 8fvall else fails you’ll be absolutely fine x*x ☺ 💕 If he kicks of (Detail removed by Moderator) don’t send him/ her then book an app to see a solicitor as soon as possible xx

    • #68695
      Madhouse
      Participant

      Hi both!
      Thankyou for getting back to me so quickly.
      There is stuff in place for when he sees my son like the same day and time ish but his always late and drags his feet to leave. He doesn’t come to mine I have him meet me at my moms so that if it kicks off my son can be in another room away from it all. I dread each (Detail removed by Moderator) he comes yes (Detail removed by Moderator) that’s all he can handle in his busy life which is his lost but its a shame for my lite one as he is missing out on time with his ‘dad’. Each time he comes down my little man always gets his ball pit out and lots and lots of balls are around he loves it but then my ex will start to throw them at me and get my little one too do it too which I don’t think is suitable especially as we aren’t together and he strung me along (Detail removed by Moderator) when he wanted out son to have ‘the perfect family’ we was meant to sit down and talk about if it was even a possibility but next thing I was getting messages meant for another girl and he put on social media they was together in a relationship. I just want him to come and spend time with my son and not mess with me and my feelings if that makes sense. I’ve told him before it’s time with little man not me or not for family time it’s for little man and you. I’m just sick of everything with him now I’m losing my mind. Should I feel guilty for wanting to have my son to have the perfect family and for his dad to stand up and be a proper dad.

    • #68697
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi again, no it’s not, in answer to your last part of your post. Unfortunately you can’t have that type of relationship with him. Could a third party be present instead of yourself. Throwing the balls is bad behaviour, you are right in thinking its not suitable behaviour. There is no family unit, you have spit up, it’s time your ex learned this. By being there he’s still calling the shots.
      If he can’t play by the rules, the next step is supervised access and I’m sure he won’t want that. He can’t mess them about, turning up late etc. I agree with DIY, if he kicks off (Detail removed by Moderator), he loses the right to see his son, then contact a WA solicitor. Once you play hard ball he’ll sit up all right. You’re doing great, believe in yourself sweetheart.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #68698
      Madhouse
      Participant

      It’s so hard to stay strong for little one with it all and I’m really scared to get solicitors involved incase he gets more as it’s only (Detail removed by Moderator)hours I have to put up with for little ones sack. I just cart understand how he cannot want to be there for him he bearly knows what he likes, what he will eat, what his routine is etc. To him it’s just all acceptable and my fault he cart have more or be able to have him on his own. I’ve never asked nothing of him apart from to see him regularly and to get a card and something for birthdays and Christmas.

    • #68700
      Madhouse
      Participant

      Sorry im just so messed up through it all

    • #68701
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Aye it’s really hard staying strong, but because of your son, you will find the strength🙂 contact WA, talk to them voice your concerns especially over child access. I totally get you don’t want this access increased, BUT if it was, he would eventually get bored with it, (Detail removed by Moderator)hrs every (Detail removed by Moderator)wks that suits him. He gets ti pretend he’s all that. Anything more you’d soon see his true colours. The sad thing is even with (Detail removed by Moderator) he’s contact, yours son will look forward to his visits as he gets older. I hope you get the answers you need. Being in, just out or even out of an abusive relationship fir years has a profound effect on us.
      Take care
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #68702
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Hey there, is that every (Detail removed by Moderator)? Is it court ordered and is he on the birth certificate. I guess it doesn’t sound like a long period of time but if he’s using the contact to hurt you emotionally like this you have the right to stop it. The important thing to remember is its not what he wants. You need to be healthy and happy and especially for your little one. Call WA and get some over the phone advice, we’re here too. Let what your feeling out the ladies on here are fab xx 💕 💕 DIY

    • #68703
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Fot the record keep a diary of all of this, if you went to court and proved he was using contact to get at you he wouldn’t get more. Handover could be at a contact centre. He would be worse off you have the upper hand although right now you don’t feel like it. He’s waring you down don’t let him it’s not worth it. It’s best for you to go no contact for yourself that is at this point xx 💕

    • #68704
      Madhouse
      Participant

      Thankyou both
      I will call WA and see what they said thanks. And I know I shouldn’t say this but I’m just hoping he gets bored like his mom did she’s only seen him (Detail removed by Moderator)times since he was born. It is definitely very hard having people around like this that you cannot leave in the past. It’s the hard part is that he has started to randomly go to the window and say ‘where’s ******’ (he calls him a different name) which breaks my heart with how young he is I offen have to hold back the tears as its heart breaking to watch.
      It’s every (Detail removed by Moderator) and no hun it’s through us as a mutual agreement and he isn’t on the birth certificate so I havnt got too worry about him just walking out as its classed as kidnap even though his the biological father. After each visit I find that he has taught the little one a bad habit from using walls as car tracks to when he was a baby eating people’s faces to walking round doing the ‘stairs’ as we walk anywhere. It then takes me all of the (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks to then get him out of the habit of doing whatever he taught him. It’s just so dragging the never ending circle with him. And I defo will get in contact with them hun and so far I’ve found the both of you amazing thankyou both so much. I use to keep a diary but then he starts to behave and come and I forget too fill it out and we end up back here. I may ask my mom to sit with them both to give me a break from it as sometimes I’ll ask her to sit in the room with us. He tends to not speak when she does for ages and be really funny about it so then I start to think is it worth the head ache of him kicking off with my mom Being there. Xx

    • #68707
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Good morning, i hope your ok xx

      So the great news here is he has no parental rights. Make sure you don’t put him on the birth certificate.He doesn’t have a leg to stand on if you take him to court. Only if you have to and when your ready though.You will get to a point where you wont be abld to deal with him anymore.

      Madhouse I was a total wreck dealing with the exact same situation. At handover my ex through objects in my face,tore me to shreds in front of the little one. It’s officially classed as child abuse kids witnessing their mother being mistreated.The abuse lies with him only. Hes teaching your child from an early age to mistreat you, thats damaging your mother son relationship.Talk to your GP, I needed anti anxiety meds, I was seven stones an absolute mess couldnt think straight. I made sure the doctor new the anxiety was directly due to him nothing else and normally I have no other problems.

      If your out of the equation ie you go out every time he comessage round he will get bored I promise.That’s what happened to me, they’re don’t have true feelings for the kids it’s about keeping control over you. There’s better men out there and it better to be free of men like this xx hope you get on ok today. 💕💕 diy

    • #68719
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi @Madhouse, just wanted to pop in to see how you were doing. I’ve been thinking(there’s a surprise), could you possibly say after the visit, maybe not this one, but next one, that this arrangement isn’t working out, you want something more concrete put in place. You feel he’s still treating you the same as when you were together and it’s not going to stop while he’s coming around your mums. Don’t worry you’ll find your own words. Write them down, practice saying them, if he interrupts, start again, if he continues to interrupt walk away, close the door and get access sorted through WA or their solicitor.If he kicks off, phone the police. He has no right to continue to treat you badly, as you say, it’s taking you practically (Detail removed by Moderator)wks to undo what he’s taught your son in (Detail removed by Moderator) small short hours😠
      Great news he’s not on the birth certificate. And he would get bored paying the doting father, cos that is a mask, just think what he’d be telling his son about you, showing him how to treat women in the future. Give your son the best gift of all, life with out an abuser in it.
      Funny how he’s not got much to say when your mum sits in with you all🤔
      Don’t let anyone tell you, he’s got rights, he lost them when he chose to abuse you, doesn’t matter that his mum walked out on him, they’re his issues, it’s not your(our) job to fix them. You’re allowing him contact with his son fir them to build a relationship, yours with him is done.
      Ask yourself, do I sit in to keep the peace, am afraid to leave him with my son, or he insists I’m there. Your mum can take care of the first two points, the third one, he has no say in where you go or dont go now. You’ll find the strength to get him out of your life, you will. We will help every step of the way, kicking and screaming if we have to(I’m only kidding here) humour is our way of coping wirth extremely stressful situations. I’ve actually laughed at my oh when he was accusing me of abusing him, messing with his head. The reality is so extreme,I could do nothing but laugh. That did not go down well🤣🤣
      Take care lovely, keep posting, even if it’s every day or 20xa day. We do what we do to survive.

      IWMB 💕💕

    • #68720
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      And anither thing, you are not a bad mum💚💛🧡💕

    • #68737
      Madhouse
      Participant

      Hi lovelys
      So he turned up (Detail removed by Moderator) after a last minute message to check we was still OK for him to come. He was late as normal but at least little one got a birthday card and pressie from him which he loved (I had to give him ideas as he didn’t know what to get). (Detail removed by Moderator) there was a few underline digs but all in all it wasn’t too bad as little one had loads to keep him busy with.
      The only reason he isn’t on the birth certificate is because my heath visitor advised me not to let him due to him bearly being there when I was pregnant but I did call WA last year and they told me that if he wanted to enough he could get it through courts first thing would be a dna test then the worrying part of if he gets more which they said he most likely will as there is no threat with my son even though he does things with him there which Im totally shocked by I even told them that if he did I would be on the next plane out of here that’s how much I’m concerned as I know for a fact he wouldn’t be in his care.
      I do in fact suffer from anxiety, depression and panic attacks but lucky I have manged to stay off my meds for quite a few years (he doesn’t know about this) some days are really hard and I think yeah I think I need to get back on them then they go and it’s like yes another day I’m normal whatever that is.
      It worries me to put so much on my mom as she’s been an amazing help as it is and she finds it so hard not to lose it with him and the way he is like his visits she stays mainly upstairs to keep the peace for me. I know I shouldn’t say this but lucky he said (Detail removed by Moderator) so least I know we don’t have to worry for awhile about it all as before he did say he wanted to come before hand which I agreed to but he must of changed his mind about it. I just couldn’t believe all the issues with him not coming down with the cold we have had but his come with us all having one and him having one which sounds worse then ours so it’s like great is it another bug that’s gonna make little one poorly over Xmas for even longer.
      Thanks IWMB for thinking of us too. I wished I could do that but I’m soo scared that he will get more at court that I’m too scared to even step out and say something I know will upset him I’m just trying to keep the peace and stay normal for the little one. If I keep doing the talking and walking away he would just get more hacked off at me start raising his voice and then after abit start the water works its happened everytime with him hun and I think that’s even worse cause you blame me even more. Just wished he got bored and moved on now cause least it would be over and we would both he healthier and happier without him. But now it’s like how do you even trust men especially when you have a young child. I just don’t even wanna no to be honest I just wanna focus on us now and make our life’s better with just us in it. And bless you hun I totally understand with the humour part as I’m terrible for it with a nervous laugh and everything. I hope you have manged to get out of it OK and without any trouble hun.
      Thankyou both for being so welcoming and putting up with me and my problems it’s helping just knowing someone is here.
      I really do hope I’m not a bad mom I feel terrible saying I want him to just leave us alone as he should be able to have his father by there and step up for him being the dad he needs not this person that just winds him up and walks out without a care in the world.

    • #68740
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi @Madhouse, I’m so pleased for you all that the visit was fairly good. You’ll find your inner warrior princess, she’s in there, just waiting for you to allow her free rein.
      This is your journey, we can only advise on our experiences, but we’re not living you’re situation, even though every one of us knows what youre going through, your ex isn’t ours. You have an insight into how he is, we dont. I look at any advice and take from it what I think I know might help me. Jyst because someone offers it, you dont have to take it. He’s made you do things that you’ve not wanted to do, he’s manipulated you, you dont need any of us making you feel as if you’ve to do what we say either, if that makes sense. You do what is right fir you, you will get stronger I promise.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #68781
      Madhouse
      Participant

      Hi
      Thankyou so much for the past few days they have been a great help.
      I totally understand what you are saying don’t worry I totally agree with it but something needs to change as we cart carry on like this. It’s just knowing what to do for the best as I don’t want to rock the boat with him. Just want my son happier today he was in the window again looking for him and asking over him and that’s so hard cause of how little he is. I think the best part of him coming is that his spread his nasty cough with little one like he hasn’t got enough with the bad cold and getting bearly any sleep through it he is going to have to put up with a cough too the poor baba.

    • #68784
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      aww the wee soul💛 hope he feels better soon and is okay fir Santa coming🎄🎅🤶we’re always here to chat to or for you just to vent.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #68785
      Madhouse
      Participant

      Thanks hunny it really does means alot to me knowing there is this here xx

    • #68789
      diymum@1
      Participant

      We always here to give you support and any advice if and when you need it. IWMB 💕 is right take things as you find them and see how things go. You sound like a strong lady, your little boy is lucky having such a kind caring mum. I hope santa is goo to him too 💕❤diy

    • #68846
      Madhouse
      Participant

      Thankyou hun sorry for the late reply I fell asleep while replying and only just remembered about coming on to see if there was a reply.
      I think that it’s the only way I’m going to be able to go forward now is day by day we havnt heard from him since his last visit and won’t till the end of the week most likely as that’s the normal routine with him now. I just cart understand how you wouldn’t want to know how the baba is to be honest but it’s his lost and I need to stop letting it bother me (easier said then done).
      And thanks hun I have good days and bad days mostly bad at the moment because of birthday and Xmas. Hopefully be better in the new year.
      Thankyou hun I just want to make all the right decisions for him but it scares me that I’m going to get it wrong. I’m constantly questioning myself and everything I do when it comes to him.
      Santa is definitely coming for a visit. Unfortunately he cart do any wrapping till Xmas eve due to little man wanting to open everything so it’s all packed safe away in his cupboards lol x

    • #68849
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      You enjoy Christmas with your wee one and your own family around you. Things will eventually settle down. Unfortunately as with everything in life, the aftermath of abuse doesn’t come with a text book. Jyst do it day by day lovely.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #68876
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Hi you’ll get there, you can sort this out when ever you feel the time is right. I worry he will try to take you to court to get on the birth certicate. 8f you talks about this or you get any correspondences I’d act on that. You’ve got plenty of time to sort thngs, I’d definitely keep a journal of everything that happens though. Won’t do any harm to be prepared just in case you need it xx take care honey ☺luv DIY ❤

Viewing 24 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content