10th November 2020 at 11:42 am #116213
Hi everyone! This is so strange for me to be dping! I’ve spent (detail removed by Moderator) years pretending that everything was ok, explaining away bruises and defending “him” at every turn. But never again! The last straw came just as I’m about to enter my (detail removed by Moderator) when he told.Me To kill myself, repeatedly, for five mins over the phone. somehow that hurt more than anything he’s ever done before as I have been very low. Thankfully I’m not suicidal ❤ my children keep me going with their beautiful smile and constant joy for life.
I met him when I was very young, he (detail removed by Moderator) years my senior. He had been through a lot. Suffered terribly in his teenage years and had been in an awful relationship;in I came with my innocence and naivety, wanting to help. He had a gorgeous little toddler who I will always love! Well the control and emotional abuse started very fast, I couldn’t go shopping after work, I had to go straight home or to his, I wasn’t allowed to wear my tracksuit anymore. Within (detail removed by Moderator) months he was getting nasty when he drank, I had to get all drinks for him. He had pinned.me in the garden and choked me but I was going and he convinced me it was a joke. There was a party and he got into a fight with his (detail removed by Moderator) brother after he chased me through the garden and house, furious because the (detail removed by Moderator). His brother was defending me and tried convincimg.me to leave but i didn’t. Within (detail removed by Moderator) months we lived alone and I was pregnant. The abuse got worse and worse, very fast. I was so ill, I remember one day he did a voice recording making me say sorry for nothing. He then played it to his friends in front of me.
There was a lot but I’m not ready to discuss it yet.
Well he’s gone and I thought I’d feel great, liberated. Burn the isolation is awful. I can’t help call him just for conversation. I miss him like crazy. I have friends but im.not ready for them to know.
Can I have some reassurance it gets better? How did you change your lives? Education? Work? How do you let them go when part of you doesn’t want to??
This you for readimg! I can’t wait to get to know new people, people who understand me and my experiences ❤
10th November 2020 at 11:57 am #116214KIP.Participant
Hello and welcome. He sounds really dangerous. It’s terrible what you’ve been through. I wonder if you’ve contacted women’s I’d yet? Find your local one and engage with them for support. Google trauma bonding. Abusers make life all about them so our life is filled with their desires and keeping them happy so when they leave we have this huge void that just doesn’t feel right. We are so used to filling that void with them, we crave what is normal to us even if that normal is abuse and violence. It’s like breaking a drug habit and the way to do that is to go total no contact. Contact is toxic and keeps us trapped in their mind games which is what abuse is all about. I’d start by writing a journal of all the times he’s abused you and how that made you feel. You need to gather a support network from women’s aid, the police, your family and learn about how an abuser works, read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Children from an abusive home are far more likely to be abused as adults too so you need to protect them from this abuse before it becomes normal to them too. There is lots of help out there for you. The NSPCC have a helpline as does the national domestic abuse helpline. You deserve better x
10th November 2020 at 2:36 pm #116221
Hi kip thanks for replying! He can be centrepiece he’s had too much to drink! However, he is the best dad, especially now he’s left. He adores his kids so that will now be out only contsct. I have reached out to his (detail removed by Moderator) brother who has said he will support me in any way I need.
I have been looking into how to discuss the past with the children, I have also talked about why their dad is no longer here and they have told me it’s calmer. They are happy he’s gone but want To have regular contact, but as my oldest is (detail removed by Moderator) she can do that with him through her own phone if she misses him
I will certainly take a look at the book you suggested and do some Google searches to find out as much as I can to myself safe and sane!
I just want to find the new me now ❤ I would love to get to know people in here, from what I’ve looked at everyone seems so lovely. But it’s heart breaking to see so many have been through what I have. Far too many!
11th November 2020 at 4:09 pm #116263
Just so you know where it says counterpiece it’s meant to say dangerous 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ autocorrect!
Just opening you feel a sense of release, although I still miss him.
I want to go back to education, I’ve always wanted to go into social work. Not sure if my history would go against me. When im ready, I’ll look into it.
11th November 2020 at 3:44 pm #116260Triumphant1Participant
Hi! To answer your question, it does get better but it takes a lot of hard work and time. I’ve been away from my abuser for (detail removed by moderator) now. Early on I never could have envisioned myself in this place. One thing all abusers have in common is that they dominate your thoughts and your time. When you break away there is a huge void in your life. In you! You have to start filling it before you are tempted to invite him back to fill it up. Fill it with family (only if they are a healthy addition), your children. Education can be a great filler. It occupies your time and your mind plus it can help you stand in your own and not depend on someone else. Therapy and counseling have been a lifesaver for me. I learned to deal with my emotional and physical scars in a positive way. It does get better if we keep moving forward. You can do this!
12th November 2020 at 12:41 am #116299gettingtiredParticipant
Hi onwardsupwards, thank goodness you got out.
I agree with both previous comments about how they literally occupy our minds constantly leaving not much left for ourselves. There seems to be a running theme on this forum that the ladies here are intelligent, empathetic people who have been taken advantage of. We all deserve better.
Sorry I havent been able to offer much advice on your post.. I’m stil not out of the relationship yet.
It’s great to be able to speak with other women who actually understand and have been through it xx
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