New here

[Niekie]

Hi everyone
I have just managed to leave a very toxic relationship and I’m relieved but some what confused I feel a Little lost. Was together for (detail removed by Moderator) years on and off he was charming at first and made me feel safe. I told him things about my past but he would bring them up and daily would make comments. I was unable to see friends or family unless he was with me and then would quiz me on things I had said in conversation. He hit me when drunk smashed my phone and constantly gaslighted eventually my confidence was on the floor. Just before (detail removed by Moderator) he was aware that I’d had enough and I asked him maybe it would be good if we was still together but that he maybe stay with his mum as my children had started to dislike him and wanted to stay at there dads more and more. This caused a dangerous situation where he drank along with myself and started to be verbally abusive I argued back but this led to him strangling me and biteing my face I locked myself in bathroom and my mum called the police. I never pressed charges and he hasn’t contacted me other than to make a new profile on Facebook advertising his single and commenting on women’s pictures and open flirting. His horrible and dangerous but for some unknown reason I still feel attached and keep thinking off him. I think what I am saying is I know I made the best decision and now his gone but feel confused that I’m not full of happpiness now it’s over. Is this normal will I ever forget him and just find peace in happiness and be able to move on eventually.
Anybody who relates has come out the otherside and has any wisdom give me a shout please
Xx I forgot to add that he would disappear on benders and totally not contactable for days but then come back apologising is this common behaviour he would always deny cheating and would say it’s because I made him stressed or had done something to upset him.

[Anonymous]

Hi Niekie,

Well done for leaving your abusive relationship and welcome to the forum.

Yes it’s completely normal to feel low and confused and basically a bit of a mess after leaving abuse. You’ve experienced cruelty and neglect and recovering from the trauma of this takes time and therapy. Yes it is possible to heal fully and find peace and be happy, it doesn’t have to be a life sentence of misery because you went through this. There are several stages to the healing process and the first stage could be termed ‘despair’. It’s good and healthy to feel all your feelings and it’s crucial to your recovery to begin the process of educating yourself about abuse, how it works, why it happens, how to avoid it again etc

You can reach out to Women’s Aid directly and speak to someone. It’s a good idea to take the Freedom Programme and it’s a good idea to start to read books and listen to video/audio resources which talk about and discuss abuse. It’s also a good idea to sign up for counselling.

You didn’t make him abusive. He chose to be abusive. Whatever he said or implied to make it sound like it was your fault is a lie. This is what they do, they lie. Take a look around the forum and read other posts, the more you read, the more you’ll understand x

[Hawthorn]

Hi Niekie!

Welcome to the forum🙂 Congratulations on getting yourself out of that awful situation, you’re very brave. How your feeling is totally normal, we minimise the abuse while we’re in it to cope with daily life so when you leave and get somewhere safe there’s so much to process. You have suffered so much trauma at his hands and that takes time to heal from. It does heal though and you will feel happy and peaceful again.

Be very kind to yourself. Reach out to womens aid for support if you haven’t already, the live chat on the website can direct you to local services. If you can get linked up the Freedom Programme it will give you some further insight into what’s been done to you. Pat Cravens book Living with the Dominator is good place to start, the freedom programme is based on it. Healing from Hidden Abuse is another good book to check out. Read the many posts here on the forum, so many of us have experienced similar situations to you, you are not alone. Google trauma bonding, the power and abuse wheel and the cycle of abuse. Reflection on how they apply to your situation is really helpful in realizing that you were a victim of a skilled abuser and how you were treated had nothing to do with how you did or didnt behave.

You’re so strong. You wont always feel like you do now. Block him on all social media, your phone, everywhere if you can. Any word of him will be very triggering for you and you need to focus on yourself now, not him. He’s wasted enough of your precious time.

Keep posting here too. Big hugs xx

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