New here. A little about my situation

[hotmessmama]

Hiya guys….this might be long and its a heavy one!
I’ve been with my other half for (detail removed by moderator), we have three children (detail removed by moderator)
We get on for the most part but there are things he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know I’ve been in therapy for the last 2 years, he doesn’t know I have a history of CSA (detail removed by moderator) He doesn’t know any of it and I want to keep it that way because for 1 It wouldn’t actually do any good for him to know (detail removed by moderator) and there were numerous s*xual assaults going way back into start of relationship. After (detail removed by moderator) I spoke to him about how he is after a drink etc I probably wouldn’t of done but my therapist referred the incident to children’s services (they didn’t see or hear anything but were in the house at the time – all cleared up now) and he has been better since I’ve spoken to him and he seemed genuinely remorseful but it’s not as easy as that, I can’t just forget what he’s done and how it triggers things from the past too. I don’t want s*x, at all….and feel like I’m only doing it to please him or he moans/ he accused me of cheating once too. I’ve even thought of taking supplements to boost my libido! Sometimes I feel like I’m not being fair on him, by keeping things from him but how can I tell him I’m in therapy, when he’s done the things that put me in therapy in the first place! I feel on edge/apprehensive of i know he’s going out drinking. I sometimes go to bed after him but once I’m in bed, I lay there tense up, uncomfortable and staying as still as I can, so I don’t wake him up and he tries it on 🙄 I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get from writing this. Despite what I’ve said, I don’t think he’s a bad guy (although my therapist has mentioned coercive control and how past experiences are affecting how I see this relationship – as “normal” he’s a good dad…it’s just the intimate side of the relationship that I’m finding hard and as my therapist has said “you can’t heal from trauma, when you’re living in survivor mode” and I get that and I do love him but I wonder if I’d do better without him?

[Lisa]

Hi hotmessmama,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting about your situation and how you’re feeling. I hope that you find sharing support here with other women helpful.

You don’t owe him the knowledge that you’re in therapy or that you experienced CSA. It sounds like you don’t feel safe to share that information with him and it isn’t your fault that you’re feeling this way. You also don’t owe him sex and it’s not okay that he’s putting pressure on you by moaning about it or accusing you of cheating. You should be able to sleep in your own bed without feeling tense. Your recovery from the sexual assaults will take as long as it takes, it’s not about simply forgetting what he’s done, and it’s abusive of him to coerce you into sex now that you’re not freely consenting to.

It’s so difficult to have a partner that you love but be confronted with the fact that their behaviour is harming you. I’m glad that you have the support of your therapist and have found this space to reach out to others with experience of domestic abuse, and I hope that you keep asking these questions about what’s best for you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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