Viewing 12 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #168746

      My story is like many others here. We fell in love FAST, love bombing, the most perfect man and soul mate. The one I’ve always dreamed of. Quickly blended families (detail removed by moderator)

      He was very fast and heavy with the love bombing. (detail removed by moderator) We were younger and induldged in a lot of drinking and we used to argue over jealousy (him and mine). So here goes the abuse part. It’s long so please bare with me.

      (detail removed by moderator)

      It’s so disturbing and intensely triggered me because the 1st time my STBXH of (detail removed by moderator) assaulted me was in a similar fashion. The dragging down the hall. My face was struck so hard backhanded that my wisdom tooth was cracked in half and I could barely open my jaw and had to have that tooth pulled out. After I fell to the ground he dragged me down the hall while I was screaming and crying like a ragdoll. Threw me in the apartment and left.

      Granted, we were drunk and I said something very nasty to him, I know I didn’t deserve it. Even though I feel if I didn’t say what I did he wouldn’t have.

      To think I didn’t leave after that time and moving on to marry him and stay with for another (detail removed by moderator). I’m sick to myself right now.

      Knowing I have a daughter and I’m a mother has me feeling terrible about myself.

      The PA happened mostly in our early years and not all of the time. Very random here and there over the years, and the last was in (detail removed by moderator) when I finally moved out.

      -He has punched me in the face to where he almost broke my nose after a drunken fight
      -Choked me a little when I was pregnant (he was sober then) it was just to scare me (I lost the baby)
      -More intimidating things in between those times. Punching walls, breaking tables, etc.
      -The last straw when I moved out was when I told him I was moving out because he wanted his problem daughter to move with us.

      That’s a whole different story. His daughters are a handful and we had many problems when we got them on weekends due to their entitlement and him not having boundaries for them. I wasn’t going to have one of them live with us full time unless he agreed to let me have some say in our home. He “moved me” out of the door way. I wasn’t standing in the doorway but threw me to the side so hard I flew into a wooden chair outside and almost broke my wrist. I had the biggest bruise on my arm, wrist, thigh. It was terrible.

      That’s when I said I’m done. I’m moving out. Guess what? He sucked me back in by telling me “I wouldn’t have if you would just”, etc. (detail removed by moderator)

      When I saw that video, it was almost a sign even though I’m so triggered right now but just showed me that my STBXH is a monster or has been a monster and prob still has that in him.

      I do have major PTSD and this confirms it.

      To know I was such a good woman and wife to him. A wonderful step mom. To think I fought to have a family with him makes me sick.

      knowing that he has done this to me and his ex-wife a few times and having two young daughters himself. How can he not feel like a monster? And still behave the way that he does verbally?

      He only apologized once and that was the first time he did it. He told me he’s so sorry and that’s not the man that he is. But, he never apologized anytime after that. The responses I would get would be I wouldn’t have if this didn’t happen or wouldn’t have if you did this.

      He told me two years ago that I’m the strongest woman he knows for staying after what he did to me is right but it’s almost like it was reverse psychology in another way to get me to be with him.

      I know this is all in the past and might be a trigger warning for some people and I’m sorry if it is. But, seeing that video just reminded me of what I have been through and why I have been so stuck in this abuse cycle. Perhaps, this gives you all more of a glimpse into why it’s been so difficult to leave. I have been emotionally and physically abused in the past for many years and was part of the abuse cycle.

      On top of that, his gaslighting and making me feel like I was the one always in the wrong also kept me there.

      but, I have to truly be done. I have so much healing to do.

      I’m sharing this here because I need reminders that I’m doing the right thing. Isn’t it crazy, that I still question myself?

      I pray to God that the divorce is granted as soon as possible.

      …and how can I feel sad and like I’m doing something wrong and a bad person by blocking him and going no contact now knowing he’s been trying to get in touch with me because of what he’s going through with his good friends passing. The funeral is today. So, even though he has been horrible to me (mostly in the past), I feel bad.

      He knows I’m divorcing him but I feel terrible going no contact.

      He will never change, right?

    • #168751
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      He will never change, he’ll just present that fake image to lovebomb the next victim and repeat all of the above with her. They don’t know how to love or how to change. Even worse – they don’t want to change! The world owes them…

      Massive, huge well done for leaving.

      That video is very triggering isn’t it and a prime example of how people aren’t believed sadly despite horrific actions being filmed or victims & witnesses like his bodyguards speaking out.

      The part of your post that really struck a chord with me was when you said about him calling you strong. Oh boy, I had that. Worst one was when a child was sick and he went away with a mate saying I was strong enough to cope. At the time you kind of take it as a compliment but then reflect and think what on earth. Remember they choose and need strong partners to put up with all this.

      So hold your head high, you’ve got this and I hope your divorce comes through super quick xx

    • #168752
      Allornothing
      Participant

      Hi, I completely agree with Bananaboat! Mine will definitely be on the look out for his next victim, he was also saying how strong I was and how he needed me. I had the love bombing, I had met my soul mate. I also had an incident in a hotel corridor witnessed by friends. It’s like no one wants to speak out and we ourselves, don’t want it spoken about when we are living it and just want it brushed under the carpet and find excuses for their behaviour and defend them.

      You are out, he won’t change – be proud of yourself, sending lots of love! xx

    • #168758

      Thank you so much for the responses.

      Him and I still have spent time. I went no contact once, (detail removed by Moderator) ago and we got together recently. I unblocked him and spent one night and day and then we spoke for a few days.

      I then blocked him again after he responded to a text of mine in a way I didn’t want him to. I know that’s wrong of me but also an excuse to me (at least) to block him again.

      But because I spent time with him and then all of a sudden blocked him out of nowhere when he was going through a rough time with his friend passing away, I feel bad about that.

      And because I wasn’t perfect. I know that I emotionally abused him in a controlling way from a codependent side of things. I also when I moved out (detail removed by Moderator) before he threw me into (detail removed by Moderator) outside threw a glass of (detail removed by Moderator) in his face. I feel terrible about that but I may have hit my breaking point with all of the excuse. I’m not excusing it and I did apologize and till this day feel terrible.

      So it makes me feel bad for cutting him off cause I’m not and haven’t been perfect.

      I know the divorce papers were mailed to him and he has until (detail removed by Moderator) to contest it but I know he won’t be contesting it. It’s a simple divorce. We don’t anything together and I only want my maiden last name back. I want nothing else from him.

      So I know he got the papers and he already knows I filed (again). But I did tell him I wasn’t dismissing it again that I’m moving forward with it.

      Because we had so many good years together and he became my only best friend, I feel like I at least owe some sort of an explanation. Don’t I? Or do I just go no contact, move on and he should know why he can’t reach me?

      Sorry, this is so strange. Knowing I shouldn’t be with him but feeling bad for how I’m treating him. I think it’s cause all of the most major PA incidents were prior to when I moved out (mostly in our early years for about (detail removed by Moderator) years). That those things happened in the past and I moved on with him. So isn’t ghosting now sort of wrong?

      Or am I doing the right thing?

      Or do I tell him one more time? Or should he know? I just have a big heart and feel very wrong.

      P.S. With me blocking him, I know he’ll be stopping by and knocking on my door. Do I just ignore? Or do I let him know to not come over, etc.? That we’re done?

      Even though he has divorce papers. Again, he might not take me seriously cause this is my (detail removed by Moderator) (but final) time filing.

    • #168771
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      You are doing the right thing. As you said, you hit a rock bottom and had had enough and you reacted. The difference is, that’s not your normal behaviour and i can hear your remorse. He has been extremely abusive and has continued that behaviour., he makes a choice.

      There is no point in trying to explain anything to him, he will do what he wants, i am not being mean.. these men do not want an explanation only to win. If he senses you are softening he will use that to gain access to you.

      I was married to my abusive husband for a very very long time..when I finally separated from him I also felt bad for him and had also said.things back to him when he was horrible… he never changed, he reeled me back a couple of times. I am no.contact, it is the only way to break it and to.start healing.

      Google FOG cycle of.abuse…, Fear, Obligation,Guilt.

      Big hugs
      HFH ❤️

    • #168824

      Well..he just stopped by. Knocked on my door and I walked in the room and closed it. He left but I’m so triggered now and crying.

      I wish he wouldn’t have. I feel so terrible knowing he’s knocking at my door and ignoring it.

      In my mind when he does this it makes me think he still loves me and is trying. I know that’s not the truth.

      But even though I’m angry and done, why did that just set me off?

      I do feel like I need to let him know we’re done. Cause even though I’ve filed for divorce before it didn’t stick and we still were together.
      so, I did just call him and say (detail removed by Moderator).

      Look at me saying I’m so strong a minute ago and now here I am feeling sad again.

      i hate this so much. He is blocked again.

      It’s like I have to be done, but I’m also waiting to hear the words that I’ve been wanting to hear for so long even though I know they’re probably not true. I’m so d**n sad now.

      • #168835
        Hereforhelp
        Participant

        It is normal what you describe…the push and pull of an abusive relationship is strong as you have lived this way for many years. It is all part of the cycle and it is painful. There is nothing wrong with you for missing him and wanting him to love you in a healthy way. It doesn’t mean that you are weak, you are far from.weak to have endured/survived for all the years you were with him.

        Keep posting
        HFH xx

    • #168827
      Texas
      Participant

      Hi

      I’m sorry you are going through this, but you are doing so well.

      When I felt like I was waivering, I always asked myself one question. ‘Could I ever trust him again’? The answer was always no, and that kept me strong.

    • #168836
      Allornothing
      Participant

      Hiya, I did the whole blocking thing over and over again. He would always find a way to get back in touch whether it be turning up or using other people to contact me. Thing is, we have empathy and we care and they know that. You will know when it’s a block for the final time, it’s a long tough journey. Sending you lots of love xx

    • #168838

      Thank you lovelies. I’m trying. Today is so hard with it being the holiday weekend. I haven’t really left other than to go shopping.

      I feel so isolated. I am isolated. I could go and hang out with my daughter but I have no drive to get up. Just sitting here online, napping, etc.

      Normally the holiday weekends were fun and I had “family” because of our blended family at the time. Now, it’s gone and while he’s with his daughters and his family guess who’s alone? Me.
      Not that I have to be but I’m so torn by all of this I’m in a bad spot.

      So I just think it’s so unfair and it hurts.

    • #168973

      Hi all – Just checking in because I’m struggling today.

      Was feeling stronger but today I’m really missing him. I keep thinking about the good and have to remind myself of
      the bad but it’s still tearing me apart.

      I haven’t unblocked him and he hasn’t stopped by at all. Maybe that’s why. Because the reality is setting in.

      Like I truly expected him to stop by again or email or figure out a way to call.

      So it’s just hitting me. That this is real. It’s killing me.

      I’m so sad and I feel weak. Like I just want to give in and be done and just try over again.

      It’s a blessing I guess that he hasn’t,But my thoughts are that if he’s truly n**********c and abusive he wouldn’t stop trying. 

      So I’m questioning if the issue is as bad as it seems.

      Cause he just stopped stopping by and hasn’t tried to email or call from someone else’s phone.

      So did I make a mistake? Does this make sense?

    • #169104

      Hello! Just checking in and hoping for a response.

      I’m really confused and struggling.

    • #169536

      Hello! It’s official. My divorce is finalized. I DID IT! It doesn’t feel real but I did it!

      I just got off of the zoom call with the judge.

      What a bittersweet feeling. I’m crying because I’m feeling heartbroken, scared but also relieved in a sense.

      I just sent him a quick text and sent him a long email. I know I shouldn’t have but I have to for myself. For my closure.

      Thank you for your support here. I’m so thankful for you and I’m sending you my love and the biggest hug!

      • #169590
        silversapphire
        Participant

        @iamstrongerthanyesterday

        Congratulations! 

        Now is the time for you to enjoy regaining your freedom and put your own ambitions first. 
        Work towards building yourself and your loved ones the happy future life that you have always dreamed of. 

        Hoping that you are surrounding yourself with as much positivity from your support networks as possible. 

        But always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense tells you. 
        If you ever start to feel that your ex is being suspiciously well behaved or get concerned that he’s too quiet that its drastically out of character meaning he’s up to serious no good- always put your safety first.    
         
        Take care of yourself! 

    • #169549
      Sad and alone
      Participant

      Congratulations! So happy for you. The proper start of a new life now.

      Glad things worked out after it looks like June was a struggle for you. It seems whatever point we’re at there’s always a voice telling us we’ve made a mistake. I’m glad you were able to ignore it and see things through.

Viewing 12 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2024 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content