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    • #55169
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      For a few years now I have not been fully happy or contented with my home life. I always felt insecure and that I was stupid, an idiot, ugly etc. My partner has never really shown affection or never told me he loved me, my daughter has never really shown love and affection unless she was unwell (detail removed by moderator) I have always felt compelled to do as they wanted, asked or demanded and I would never dream of telling them no or ask if I could do anything or go anywhere by myself in case it caused any hostility or arguments. He often would comment that I would be lost without him, I wouldn’t be able to cope by myself Etc. I have never been out socializing with any friends from work or otherwise. I have always been coerced into doing/going where they want to go etc. He is quite dominant not only to me but to my daughter as well by not allowing her to go out with her friends or work colleagues, to town, cinema etc. She often complained to me about him and I would agree but she still stuck to him. She is affectionate towards him , has always given him hugs Etc.but she has also taken on his behaviour of mental abuse towards me

      I met someone else a little while ago and although it is not a physical relationship he made me realise that I am a good person and the way I am being treated and controlled is not right. Before I met him I thought my life was as good as I deserve and I don’t deserve a life of my own but to live someone else’s. About a month ago I told my partner and my daughter that I wasn’t happy and felt unloved etc and that I had met someone else and was falling in love with them, I explained that all I wanted was to be loved and they never tell me they love me or give me a hug. He said if he didn’t love me he wouldn’t be here and he sacrificed a lot of things (detail removed by moderator) to be with me and he has never loved anyone as much as me, He said I was selfish and inconsiderate and not considered him or my daiughter in any of this etc. I felt so horrible and guilty etc. My daughter went mad throwing it in my face that her dad didn’t want her and now I wanted to go etc that my partner was the only dad …….. In the end after a lot of crying and arguing etc I said I was sorry I’ll delete this mans number I will never speak to him again I felt so low, guilty, selfish,etc they made me delete this mans number and everything etc.

      I have tried my best to carry on as normal but my life seems worse, my mind keeps wandering, I can’t concentrate all I keep thinking about is I want to leave but I don’t know how to.

      Since telling them about this man it has been hell. My daughter is the worse. I can’t go anywhere by myself not even to the local shops, I can’t look at my phone, I get dropped off and picked up from work, my daughter even comes into the shop to see who I’m talking to and if she sees me laughing and talking to a man she accuses me, if anyone comes through the doors the same time as me when I leave she questions me. If I take too long doing something out of sight at home I get questioned, if I take too many baths/showers I’m asked why I need another one etc. If I do get left in the house by myself ( rarely) one of them will ring up at some time to make sure I’m at home and not talking to anyone else. Always checking up on me at work and at home. we lost our pet cat just after new year and although I’ve expressed I don’t want another cat/pet my daughter is ignoring me and getting another one, maybe two, when he said to her don’t you think you should ask your mum she said no f*** her.

      Last week my daughter started an argument because she saw one of my coworkers leave the same time as me (the one she thinks I’m having an affair with) and I ended up throwing some of my belongings in a black bag to leave. She blocked my way at the top of the stairs and said your not going anywhere if your going to make me miserable so are you. She pushed and pulled the bag shouting in my face that she hates me and can’t stand the sight of me, she wants to stab me then threatened to push me down the stairs. I love her so much but I can’t do this anymore knowing that I’ve hurt her and now she hates me. I want out that way I can’t hurt her no more.

      I get told I’m old and wrinkly but in an insulting hurtful way, my daughter calls me she/her instead of mum most of the time now,I’m constantly belittled and put down and I can’t take no more. I do everything for them but get nothing in return. I pay for virtually everything he only pay for his car insurance and the house insurance (the car belongs to him and most of the stuff in the house belongs to him).

      The problem I have is my guilt……my partner has health issues and I’m more of a carer to him than a partner. 2 and a half years ago he had a triple heart bypass, just recently other heart problems resulting in another operation, he has had skin cancer and he also has kidney cancer and waiting for an operation to remove his kidney but I just don’t want to do this any more . I have suffered from depression and anxiety on and off for many years. He keeps throwing in remarks that my daughter is really suffering ,she is lonely and misses her cat etc trying to make me feel bad and it works.

      If I leave and get into a refuge to start with I can get a transfer to another store in a different area…I have thought of ways to leave but I just need guidance and help please. With his health problems and I love my daughter I feel bad to think of leaving but surely it is the right thing to do?? Or do I wait??

      Please please help I feel I deserve better and need to leave but I don’t know how to.

      I’m sorry if I’ve rambled on a bit but I find it hard to put into words how they treat me and how this all makes me feel.

    • #55191
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Can you ring the helpline number on here. Your daughter is an adult now and sounds very manipulative. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Depression and anxiety are often caused by abuse. My ex and my son moved out, my ex was arrested and removed from the marital home and my son sided with him and moved out too (funded by his father). I have to just accept that for a while I may not have contact with my son but I’ve told him I’m here if he needs me. But I won’t allow him to abuse me too. They have to know there are boundaries. If you could move out and afford to live on your own, that’s what I would do. Put distance between you both and give her the space she needs to realise her behaviour too is unacceptable. Firstly, get some good free legal advice. And remember abusers use fear, Obligation and Guilt to control us. You deserve to be happy.

    • #55196
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      Thank you kip for your advice.
      I have emailed here for advice regarding my situation and I have also tried ringing many times but I have been unable to get through. I am very very limited with time alone to be able to ring.

      All I am after is some contact details ( email and telephone) of refuges around the surrounding area where I live now but far enough away from them, the sooner I get out the better for my own sanity.

      It is safer for me to email as I don’t get any time without being watched, questioned or accused if I try and use a phone and I don’t get left alone except when at work but then I only have short breaks.
      I will be trying to arrange a transfer to another branch of where I work once I have left but I need somewhere to go first. Also I don’t know what to do with my current housing, it is council but they refuse to leave and the tenancy is in my name, but I also don’t want to see them out on the street what with my daughter (who I love very much regardless) and him in such I’ll health. I feel stuck.
      All I know is that I will be leaving one way or another, I cannot live like this anymore, I just can’t get to use the phone

    • #55205
      KIP.
      Participant

      You need to take legal advice. If it’s your tenancy, what’s to stop them running up huge bills in your name and not paying any bills. Can you move out temporarily and give them time to find alternative accommodation? The trouble is we feel so guilty because of the abuse. Would you consider giving him notice to leave. Or if it’s your tenancy, the police could remove him. Perhaps without his influence, your daughters behaviour might improve. I was determined to stay in my home. Why should I have to move out when he is the abusive one. But your safety comes first.

    • #55209
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      I was very sorry to read your story, your partner and daughter are treating you very abusively and you don’t have to put up with it. Like KIP said, definitely seek legal advice and aim for them to move out since it is your home. It is unbelievable how you are paying for everything yet they treat you like that. You sound like a normal, good, kind person and they sound like they have really taken advantage of that. It is not normal to be controlled like this, for them to check you are in the house, to prevent you from talking to people, checking up on you at work, shouting at you, making you delete people’s phone numbers so that you are completely under their control, it is actually a crime (Coercive Control). They don’t want you talking to others because they know that (like the male friend you made) will point out how they are behaving is totally unacceptable.

      I know you feel loyal towards them but they are not treating you with love and kindness, they are treating you with total disrespect and contempt. If they suddenly had to find somewhere to live it would show them consequences of their actions.

    • #55211
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Also, there is a directory here where you can search for services near you including refuges: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

    • #55242

      Sorry if my comment came across as short. Just wanted to say you are doing really well even posting here. And the other ladies have said some really insightful things. Keep going. I’m sure we have all had moments when we doubted ourselves. Listen to your gut and try to take heart from your own bravery in posting here. Whatever your choices, you can do it hon. x

    • #55250
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      Thankyou everyone for your kind advice it nice to hear that I am not at fault. I just constantly feel guilty and selfish knowing that I want to escape this hell when I feel I deserve it by telling them im not happy and had met someone else and although it was not physical I was falling in love with them. Shouldn’t I be supporting them like I have done all these years because they need me, especially my ‘partner’ with his heart and imminent surgery for kidney cancer.

      Also, I don’t care about the house, ive always felt, even though I am the only one on the tenancy, it has never been my house as most of the things belong to either him or my daughter as they paid for it and never really been able to choose the way I would like it to be, I’m only expected to keep it clean and tidy even though they are the ones that make the mess.

      I don’t know how to deal with the house situation, I don’t care about walking out and losing my house ( I don’t really have nothing much that belongs to me) I just don’t want to see my daughter and him out on the street because I know how hard it will be for them, with his health etc. I love them both that I can’t be callous that way but I cannot and will not stay.

      I’m sorry if I’m rambling but its the only way I can deal with this venting it all out on here.
      I definitely will be leaving, whether I have somewhere to go or not but feel so bad for what I’m doing to them.

    • #55305
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      Once again another day of coercive behaviour and belittling. I’m so sick and tired of being given an option but made to do what they want. I can’t remember the last time I was left alone in my own house or go somewhere by myself. I’m sick of this FOG

    • #55307
      Janedoeissad
      Participant

      Hi there

      My Ex had serious mental health issues and I felt guilty for leaving. I felt he wouldn’t cope without me but he has done so far. I almost stayed because he might lose his job, I almost stayed because his father was getting old and might die, I almost stayed because he loved the house we were in and without me he couldn’t afford it.

      At the end of the day we all have our list of reasons why we almost stayed but there comes a point where your happiness is bigger than all of those things.

      I’m really glad your last message said you are sick of the FOG, it means you are aware of it now, you can start to process those feelings and move towards moving out.

      It was months between me deciding I was going and actually going. I went through all the emotional stuff you are going through now.

      Please keep going, keep trying the number and sources of help people have given you. I have been away for months now and its the best thing I have ever done.

      Finally, the “being given and option but being made to do their thing” was my Ex’s party piece. I was told I could do what I liked but when I did, I got screamed at. Its a horrible feeling and I think people who do it are despicable.

      Hugs

      J xx

      • #55778
        starryeyed
        Participant

        Omg Janedoeissad, I was also told by my ex that I could do what I wanted and encouraged to go out and see friends and family. But when I did, there were always consequences!

    • #55313

      I think that the role of the other person you have met is significant and important. And what you wrote about them helping you realise you are a good person.

      I had someone before I left that I was actually not going out with, but who was a really old and good friend. I don’t know how they did it now ,but they helped me by talking it through very often.

      I also had an ex-husband who has a debilitating and chronic illness (physical) so there were aspects to that that I had to make excrutiating decisions about. On the whole despite feeling down at times everything is better in our new lives.

    • #55766
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      I feel such an idiot.
      As I’ve said before I have very limited opportunity to ring any of the advice lines so while at work I decided to ring the police for advice. They ended up picking me up from work and encouraged me not to return home. (detail removed by Moderator)days later I called the police again for them to assist me to pick up my things from my home as I was too scared to go alone. It ended up in a free for all where I also learned my daughter had tried slashing her inner thighs, my partner had ended up in a&e with a (detail removed by Moderator). They had changed the locks to MY home and they told me I could lose everything and get into trouble with the council if I no longer lived there. It became so much I tried putting my head through a glass door ( I didn’t injure myself) I still ended up getting my things and leaving.
      That’s when I became the idiot. I fell for it all. He text me to say I should make an appointment to see my doctor because he thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I said I would but he ended up making one for me and said he would come with me. He kept pointing out how me leaving affected my daughter and even got the council to call me and tell me the consequences. I felt so bad and guilty I returned home on the (detail removed by Moderator) day. I am now back on antidepressants and referred to the mental health team. I am starting to believe this is all my fault, taken everything the wrong way, blown everything out of proportion. I have suffered for many years on and off with depression and anxiety and now think I really have had a mental breakdown. I regret returning but in one sense I like my house. I don’t know what to do now, is it my depression or am I being abused, I’m so confused right now.
      Sorry its so long but everyone that I’ve managed to speak to so far (2nd and 3rd police officer and mental health team) all advised me to go back and not really listened to what I was trying to say to them.

      • #55779
        starryeyed
        Participant

        Hi Sillygirl, you aren’t an idiot at all. Reading your post it seems clear that you are suffering abuse and a clear sign is how confused you are feeling – that is a significant indicator of being abused. I think it is pretty common to feel depressed as well but it is probably due to the abuse that you are enduring. The police officers and mental health team don’t sound like they are listening to you at all, I’m sorry you had to deal with that because that is just going to leave you more exhausted and confused. Can you call the Women’s Aid helpline maybe before you start work when and leave a voicemail asking them to call you back with certain times? Is there any way you could take the call at your work? You could ask Women’s Aid to call you during your lunch break? Also have you tried contacting your local Women’s Aid because I found I could get through to my local one a lot quicker than the helpline and they can give you advice on the phone or in person too x*x

    • #55863
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      Why does everything feel so wrong when you know its so right.
      I had my first telephone consultation with the mental health team today, could only skim the surface of what’s going on as he and my daughter were downstairs earwigblah.
      . Lucky enough I think she got the gist of what is going on and why I’m feeling so low and depressed. Back on antidepressants, because I’m suicidal, which I’m not happy about but she is arranging a one to one meeting so I can tell them everything without holding back. She understands how confused I am about whether my depression is plain depression or depression caused by emotional abuse. She asked me why I returned home and I couldn’t give her an answer because I don’t know myself. She said I can leave my council property for up to a month without consequences but now I’m back I’m too scared to do it again. I do feel better now someone will be there to listen but I just hope they can build my strength and courage to either leave permanently and start again or get them to leave which then I am scared of the consequences of putting them out on the street so to say because I know it will be turned that’s its all my fault and I don’t care blah blah blah.
      Can or do the mental health team help with this sort of thing or do they just concentrate on helping you to cope with the situation?

    • #55878
      Serenity
      Participant

      I read once that you can hand somewhere better, only if you can bear to go through the discomfort of breaking up unhealthy structures and others’ negative reactions.

      I think your post illlustrates what the experts say about abusers. That they abuse because they think they can. They think the victim is so dependant, and they have such little respect for the victim, they they think they will tolate it. They never imagine that the victim in fact has rights that she will eventually want to rise up and speak out about. So complacent are these abusers, they forget that we have needs, that we are are separate individuals. Worse, they think they can treat us atrociously..

      It is also typical of them to get aggressive and to try to guilt trip you when you speak out against them. Rather then truly listen, or apologise for their part. It’s all projection, how you’ve let them down. But you can’t go on forever feeling like a nobody. You are somebody.

    • #55879
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      You are definitely being abused. You will no doubt have depression too, but it sounds very much like he is using your mental health to cover up for what is happening. Don’t beat yourself up over returning, it takes us on average 7 times because abusers are so good at manipulation, plus there are practical issues like housing etc.

      Your mental health worker sounds helpful which is positive. Do you have a local domestic abuse team you could talk to? The best people for you to speak to are those trained in abuse as they understand the dynamic, whereas workers in other agencies like mental health and police are not always properly trained in it and can make matters worse confusing you unintentionally.

      My ex did the same thing, tried to imply I was losing it, ‘imagining things’ (his abuse) and that he ‘just wanted to help me.’ He offered to pay for specialist therapy. Meanwhile he was getting increasingly abusive and running around my back cheating on me, so I definitely wasn’t imagining it at all – it is called gaslighting. If they can get you to doubt yourself and blame yourself, they keep getting away with the abuse and keep getting the power and control they crave.

      Keep seeking out the right type of support, a helpline/domestic abuse worker can help you look at your options and don’t be hard on yourself. Your username sounds like the kind of thing an abuser would call someone, it sounds like these people have damaged your self esteem (a classic abuser tactic) but if you get away from them for good you will heal and thrive. Don’t let them guilt trip you, you have rights just the same as anyone else and deserve an abuse free life. Look up Personal Bill of Rights in google.

    • #55905
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      Omg I’ll have to stop talking on here for a while I’m now being asked who and what I’m doing on my tablet…s**t I can’t do anything without being questioned or remarked about, constantly watched….I hate it here

    • #55907
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I would use incognito browsers for safety when using this site while you are still with your abusers. Please keep reaching out for help. With a solid plan for leaving and support around you then you can do this. It’s incredibly hard, but you can do it. And your mental health will improve when you are out and can get proper support without your abuser listening in.

    • #55918
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      That’s the thing I do use incognito tabs but they see me typing and ask what or who I’m doing etc I feel so trapped…HELP!!
      Do you find that if you left and came back or speak out more that the abuse and controlling gets worse xx

      • #55937
        starryeyed
        Participant

        I tried to leave my ex once before and he blamed his mental health for the abuse, promised he would get help and that things would get better. Unfortunately he didn’t go for help and things did not get better – they got worse.

        I think each time you go back, the abuse either stays the same or, more likely, gets worse. I worry about what my ex would do if I went back now because in his eyes I’ve done some things that would really make him angry. I did nothing before but now he has real reasons to exercise his power and control.

    • #55933
      KIP.
      Participant

      It absolutely gets worse when you go back. Maybe not right away but I was punished for standing up to him. For separating. He love bombed me till I went back then slowing the abuse got worse and worse. I was punished badly and I just didn’t see it coming. You will not be able to escape the fog of abuse while you still have contact. It really boils down to your own sanity and mental health against staying to keep them happy. They are adults and not your responsibility. Don’t let them use guilt to keep you staying in a dysfunctional unhappy relationship. You need to put yourself first and get them out. If they’re both working then they can easily rent somewhere else. You could move out and give them 30 days notice to leave your property because of the abuse.

    • #56390
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      Hope everyone is keeping well and staying strong….
      I was stupid enough to go back and even after (detail removed by Moderator)weeks I’m still waiting for a front door key as they changed the locks when I left. Excuses and ignoring is what they do when I ask for a key so I carry on waiting. Back on the antidepressants and antianxiety meds so feel a bit more level headed but hate being here especially around them. Due to see local women’s aid in a couple of weeks so hopefully they can help give me strength to follow through what I know I need to do.
      Question though… I’m trying to get the strength to go out with some friends for the first time ever but too scared to tell them or ask them, they will ask me where I’m going, who with, what time from and to blah blah blah (I just know how they think) and probably follow me, plus I know they will also think I will be with the male friend I spoke about before. I’m just so scared to do, ask or even think of anything without feeling that they will twist things to their advantage and turn it on me..
      I just want some time to myself with friends that are supporting me which I’ve never had before in my whole life..

    • #56396
      KIP.
      Participant

      You do not have to tell them anything. I would get a locksmith out and change the locks so that you have the keys. I don’t think they have any intention of giving you a key. That’s another way they can keep tabs on you. It won’t change. It is wonderful to have female friends. My ex made in almost impossible for me to keep friends. That’s what abusers do.

    • #56398
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      I can’t get a locksmith because I am never left alone. I’d like to go out with my friends from work but I know it would be impossible to go out plus I can’t get back into my own house with no keys. I have just found out aswell that my daughter has changed her working hours. She has told her employer that she can no longer do lates till (detail removed by Moderator) and reduced her hours down to (detail removed by Moderator). I said to her the only reason why she done that was because no-one trusts me so she just flared up and denied it etc.
      The whole situation is undeniably unbelievable but they just don’t see what they are doing to me and just making me more adamant about leaving and pushing me away.

    • #56399
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s a terrible position to be in but your daughter is an adult and not your responsibility. She could afford to rent a room off someone.

    • #56488
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      The longer I am here the worse I feel. Every day I feel so low and fed up, I’m feeling more and more that I want to harm myself even though I’m on antidepressants. One of my friends doesn’t want to talk to me until I sort myself out. Wanted to arrange to meet up but I was too much of a coward. She said just get ready and I’ll pick you up round the corner but again I was too scared to do it, I know that if I did that I would be given the third degree about who I’m seeing, where I’m going etc or I’ll take you and drop you off. She is right I am a coward, I’m just too scared to just tell them it doesn’t matter who I’m seeing or where I’m going I’m just going out to see friends. How do you deal with being so scared that you feel you can’t speak. X

    • #56499
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      This has got to be the worst I’ve felt. I don’t think I can take much more, I’m feeling so low I don’t want to be here anymore, I just want it over. I feel like ending it all…..I want a life and not just to exist…..but then I feel guilty because I then think of other people out there that have so much less than me and dont complain which makes me selfish…….

    • #56510
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s the environment you live in that’s making you feel this way. Can you go to a relative until you find somewhere else to stay. Ring the Samaritans or the women’s aid helpline. Until you remove yourself from the cause of your depression, you are only trying to treat the symptoms. They are not your responsibility and being there is making you ill. You do not have to stay.

    • #56513
      IrisAtwood
      Participant

      I completely agree with KIP. You are being abused in your current home and you feel worthless and hopeless as a result. Please continue to reach out both here and in real life. The Samaritans are really good and are always available and allow you to talk about your feelings and experiences. They are supportive and non judgmental. Often hearing yourself describe what is happening and how you are feeling can bring greater clarity and calm.

      Comparisons to others’ lives are not helpful or justified. What matters is your experience and your feelings. You have the right to feel safe and loved. You have the right to choose where and how you live. You have the right to your feelings and to express them. You have the right to live in a safe, caring home.

      You can escape this horrible environment, although I understand that you feel helpless right now. There are services available that will help you to do this. You can have a safe, peaceful and caring home – even if you are the one caring for yourself. You are a unique, beautiful and precious individual and deserve all good things.

    • #56728
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      He knows I have an appointment with my local women’s centre but today he commented (detail removed by moderator) I gave no reply, just too scared to speak out. I can’t believe they really don’t realise the way they treat me, maybe I do take things too seriously and blow things out of proportion, I really don’t know anymore. (Detail removed by moderator) He also said (detail removed by moderator) What do I do, I just don’t know x

    • #56990
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      Advice please.
      How can I leave if I’m never left alone. I plan to leave again, for good this time, but need advice on how to go about it to make sure I take all that I need without having to go back.

    • #57007
      Sillygirl
      Participant

      Desperate – need advice
      I need to leave but am never left alone how can I get my things out so I don’t have to come back. The last time I left I had to get the police to aid me to pick up the rest of my things I don’t want to have to go through that again because I ended up nearly putting my head through a glass door. It was so distressing because I could see that the police officer was listening to them more and looking at me as if I was mad. Please help I have to get out of here.

    • #57008
      KIP.
      Participant

      Can you remove them slowly and leave them with a friend. Perhaps someone you work with would keep them for you or is there storage at work. You may just have to leave with essentials and start again. Charity shops are good for clothing and perhaps a friend could collect the rest of your things. With the police if needed.

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