New here and in middle of trying to leave (what I now suspect is a N**c)

[ShadowOfFormerSelf]

Hi all,

I am new and have been reading your posts, wow is all I can say. I was shocked how common this type of behaviour is and how many people suffer, it is very sad to learn.

I ve been in this relationship (detail removed by Moderator) years, and its the usual, break ups lost count of, anger from him, insults, lovingness, lovebombing, gaslighting (I’ve only just heard of this oops) LIES , suspected cheating, plus him accusing me of cheating?? anyway the list goes on.

(detail removed by Moderator) I found on his internet history he has been on dating sites again, (1st time (detail removed by Moderator) years ago he said was out of anger and he contacted nobody) he had been on (detail removed by Moderator) that day including registering a profile on a very well known one. Also he has multiple searches on FB of women’s profiles.

He denied at first til I sent a screenshot (as I was tired of being made out I was crazy) THen he said it was because he felt I didn’t find him attractive, (which is rubbish) and he wanted to see if others did? But again he says nothing came of it not even any message contact on sites??

Since then its gone from insults , and how hes not loved me for ages anyway and we have run the course, to Valentines roses and a Fiance card? (we are not engaged but he has been wanting to for past few years, iv’e been wary but v close)

THen when i mentioned he put Fiance card in post he said. “(detail removed by Moderator)” W*F??

Since this last argument I have been researching N**cs and looking at all of the information on this site. (I was told to contact this site by the well known marriage counselling people, she believed I was being emotionally and physc abused and I was shocked as I was so used to it I thought it was normal. I have Aspergers and have suffered with my mental health since a child, So I took a lot of the blame.

Anhyway sorry to waffle, but I have been trying to ignore him, I have told him how hurt I am and how let down, he says sorry and he will spend forever making it up to me and that I am his world, I reply I am unsure, then he gets angry, this is the cycle I am stuck in.

He sent message (detail removed by Moderator) saying he reckons I am still in love with my adulterer of ex husband? W*F NO!! (this man destroyed me too, he took my home and left me and my children homeless, long story) He messaged me (detail removed by Moderator) about his dads grave and sent pictures (detail removed by Moderator). I know he wants ne to reply and I feel such a nasty person to not answer when it is abut his dads grave. ((detail removed by Moderator) he has removed his profile pic from whats app and I am waiting for the next bit which will prob be abusive message)

I know you lovely ladies will understand, its just I have literally nobody to talk to, no friends, no family, only my Dr when I can get through and she bless her just feels sorry for me and worries mostly because its her job. I was discharged from secondary mental health team before 1st Lockdown and have really struggled since.

I feel knots in my stomach thinking he will message, I go cold and sweat when I get one through, or even think about what he may say. I have 2 girls aged (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) (not his, ex husbands) who I try to be strong for but its so hard not to cry around them esp now they are home 24/7 due to lockdown. I save my tears and anguish for the early hours like I guess lots of you do/ have done.

OOOOPS bit long sorry

Take care all and thank you if you managed to read it all xx

[KIP.]

Hi there, what they accuse us of, they’re very often doing it themselves. Acts like buying a fiancé card is just designed to fish for your response. So if you said how wonderful is that a proposal, no doubt he’d ridicule you. So when you decide you’re not falling for his game of humiliation he decides it was the last card in the shop. They set us up for a big fall. Then they rush in to rescue us. It makes us feel crazy. I’d block him on everything and change your phone number. Absolutely zero contact is how you move on quicker. Using his dads grave is totally designed to break your zero contact and yes when that doesn’t work he will change tactics to abuse or pity or sympathy or threats. It’s going to take you a while to recover from this kind of mental abuse. Many abusers have n**********c traits but be careful about labelling them because they can control their behaviour when needed and abuse us when there are not witnesses. Nasty people. Welcome to our little support group full of women who sadly are in this club when no one wanted to be in it, but we can help each other and let you know that you’re definitely not alone in this and abuse always gets worse x so be very kind to yourself. Limit any extra stresses you take on. I had to limit myself to three things a day until my brain caught up. Don’t be scared to involve the police if contact continues. It’s harrassment x

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