New here and in need of help

[Holding-onfor-tomorrow]

Hi, I’m new to this forum and dearly hoping I’ll find some insight than can help me navigate this confusing mess and perhaps validate my feelings.

I’ll try to keep it brief as I can! I’ve been with my now husband (detail removed by moderator), (detail removed by moderator) year old. Being honest there were red flags right from the beginning – he was controlling, rude at times, but I chose to ignore it because I was bowled over. They call it love bombing and it really was – totally intense, swept off my feet stuff. We moved in together quickly and the first few years were pretty good, we got engaged, then pregnant and things went downhill fast. The shouting, constant criticisms, put-downs and control really escalated while I was pregnant. I was in tears multiple times daily, I wanted to leave but mid house move, mid pandemic, heavily pregnant – I just couldn’t. Now here we are, every day is just a miserable slog of being treated with total distain, nothing I do good enough, trying not to set him off, trying to shield our son from his temper. He flies off the handle over the smallest things, screams at us both. (detail removed by moderator)

He has never hit me but he’s thrown things that have almost hit me, often punches walls and smashes household items. I flinch as I hear him coming down the stairs, what’s he going to have a go at me about now.

And then… poof! He’s the perfect adoring husband and father, for a bit – certainly in front of others. He is the best host, the best friend, outstanding at work but(I suspect at least) a covert n********t and an abuser at home.

Does this sound like abuse? Or ‘normal husband and wife stuff’ as his (detail removed by moderator) says (I tried to confide in her hoping she’d help me persuade him to seek counselling or anger management)

I really want to leave but need to work up the courage and feel sure it’s not all in my head.

Help me?

[Indeepindance]

Absolutely no mistaking that this is extremely abusive behaviour by your husband! I’ve had the same but minus the screaming, throwing, smashing or punching and if those had been present I’d have felt more sure than I did that what I was experiencing was abuse.

I think you’re right to want to leave as it sounds to me you must be living in a state of terror, and I’m no expert but that behaviour I feel will escalate. It’s not easy to leave and the hardest days are to come, but staying or the thought of staying in this any longer, will be more damaging. Seek support from anywhere you can and keep talking to people, it will help to keep you focused. Good luck xxxxx

[Peace1458]

Sister this exactly what I’m going through and the pressure of having a child

[Peace1458]

Sister this exactly what I’m going through and the pressure of having a child

Always seems like I’m in the wrong, as long as everything goes according to him it’s fine, but when I make my own decision then he flips

[BriaTharen27]

Hi, I have also just joined and wasn’t sure if I was overreacting until I read your post.
My situation is almost identical to yours, including trying to protect my son from the outbursts.
I know deep down that he is being abusive but I am scared of what he will do if I say I want him to leave. He is also not working atm due to health issues so I cannot force him out but I don’t see why I should leave the house when it is solely in my name

[pookie1]

This is abusive behaviour, no doubt about it. I’m really so sorry you’re going through this. I’m out of my abusive relationship now and it took me years to see what was happening. The switch between what goes on in private and how they present themselves is confusing and makes you doubt yourself. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. If you feel scared or intimidated then that’s not right. Take care of yourself and remember to try and reach out to people and build a support network. I was gaslit for many years into believing this was all normal married life – but when you do talk to others, like here, you start to realise it’s not OK and it shouldn’t be normalised.

However you proceed there are many of us who have made the break and there is life after abuse x*x

[Freenlovinit]

Hi,

I am also out of my situation but suffering post separation abuse. What you describe is similar to what I experienced in some respects. The abuse worsening after pregnancy. Things getting better for a little bit and then not knowing when it will fly off the handle again. Then when he realised that attacking the children was more effective then the shouting was directed at them.

(links removed by Moderator)

In the process of leaving things can get worse and getting in touch with your local domestic abuse charity can be really helpful as an IDVA can be there to offer a consistent voice. Everything seems confusing. One minute nice and best dad. Next they are horrible and it is all your fault. They can also help you access other resources as needed.

If you are not sure if it is abuse the above two resources will help but the NSPCC put it really clearly:
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/

If you feel safe to do so report things to the police and social care was very helpful in my case.

Keep safe and know it does get better. Despite the post separation stuff my life is so much better now and the children are so much happier. I have belief that it gets even better than it is now because at some point the post separation abuse will have very little impact on me.

It is so hard to trust yourself at this time because of the confusion but do trust yourself, you know what is happening isn’t right and staying is unlikely to improve things.

Good luck.

FreenLovinIt

[Karisqq]

For gaslight and constant destructive criticisms, to me the most importance thing is to realise it is about him, not you! From time to time you may feel like you’re a mess, and that’s okay, but it can’t stop you from loving yourself, taking care yourself, and building a support network. More importantly, always remember you deserve better! We’re not perfect, but we try our best, and we deserve everything good that happens to us. It’s never too late, no matter how bad and devastated things are, as long as you have started to figure them out (which you have!), and as long as you have taken the step to start anew, you’ll gain sth valuable (strength, resiliency etc), that’s the wonder of life. X

[Blossom24]

Hi
I’m new here too and have had loads of support and reassurance.
I too was unsure if it was ‘normal’ stuff and he convinced me he couldn’t control his outbursts and controlling however he does in public, when friends are about etc which made me realise it’s chosen behaviour.
Im trying to protect my daughters (he is step-dad) and he just won’t listen.
I’m right at the first phase of making a plan to get out.
You’ve got this and the ladies on here have been amazing for me so far
Stay safe x*x

[Welo@123]

I Flee From my Ex partner due to Domestic Abuse ( verbal, controlling, psychological, mentally, emotionally, concrete abuse).The abuses started when I came here from my country and it continued even (detail removed by Moderator). We started having arguments that night and he would raise his voice at me to the extend the baby will start crying, even while holding her sometimes he yells at me and makes her cry. One day I told him the baby always cries when she’s with you why is that and he got upset and started talking down on me again like he use to. I came to the women refuge in (detail removed by Moderator) with my (detail removed by Moderator) daughter. When I got to (detail removed by Moderator) I was told they don’t let the Penetrators come in the building and if I want I don’t have to let him know where I stay.

(detail removed by Moderator) has been my friend for years even before I met him, so each time I don’t agree or feel comfortable with something he wants he tells (detail removed by Moderator) and she talks to me, so because I don’t want to lose that friendship with her as I don’t have no family here, I tent to do it. I don’t feel safe around him because there’s this fear in me he might say something to hurt me as he normally does or say something to scare me. I sent him a message telling him to come see the baby whenever he wants to but he has only been here (detail removed by Moderator) times since (detail removed by Moderator) till date. I allow him call my phone saying he wants to speak to the baby ( baby hasn’t started speaking, nor does she understands anything he is saying) but I let him call and I follow her around with the phone.

(detail removed by Moderator) he came to see her was on (detail removed by Moderator). After he was done spending time with her while I was there he decided to drop us off. He told me when he is back in (detail removed by Moderator), he wants to be fully involved in his child’s life and he would like to come pick her up in the morning, take her away and bring her back in the evening. He said from a day, then two, then three. And I told him I am sorry I think that is a long hours. she doesn’t know you, you don’t know anything about her. I’d suggest you continue coming to see her on your day visit spend (detail removed by Moderator) hours with her while I’m there, when she gets familiar with you, and you know her routines, what she eats and gradually she’s beginning to communicate and all then I will be willing and comfortable for you to have her for longer hours. Then he told me I don’t get to decide how many hours he spends with his child. I told him yes is your right legally but for now I can decide because I am the primary carer, even while I don’t feel safe around you I still let you see her. But if you think I’m being unfair and unreasonable then go to court like you said you would and get a court order.

(detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) the one I call my friend called me to suggest mediation, and I told her mediation wouldn’t go well I know about it. Then she said if I won’t do mediation I leave them no option than to go to court, which means I am taking her whole family to court to fight for the baby who (detail removed by Moderator) and still breastfeeding. And that it will ruin my friendship with her and in the future if I need help they won’t be able to help. Ever since (detail removed by Moderator) said these things to me, there has been fear in me, I have been stress, I have been thinking what if my baby is taking away from me. The dad works with (detail removed by Moderator) and stay in (detail removed by Moderator).

My questions are: Am I selfish?? Am I wrong in putting the child first?

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Definitely signs of abuse. My husband ‘got worse’ after I had our children. I can only put it down to n********m. He didn’t throw things but he poked fun at me, stonewalled me and put me down in front of our friends regularly. Trod on eggshells as could rarely express an opinion, if at all. You will always wo der if ‘it was just in your head’ because that’s a tell tale sign of dealing with love bombing one minute and abuse the next. Finally a friend asked me, “does he make you feelgood about yourself?” I said, “no”. That was point at which I realised it was not a positive relationship. I’d stayed in it for my children, but it affected them more than I initially realised (I only noticed when I finally left and our Children were teenagers). They started saying familiar phrases. I ‘nipped these in the bud’, but I realise now that there is never a ‘right time’ to leave. You just have to do it and plan a bit so you have all your important things safe with you (leave at a friends) before you go. Good luck and try to stay strong.

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