New here and looking for guidance if this was abuse?

[Beachrunner]

Hello everyone. This is my first post and I am grateful to have found this forum. I am hoping to get some guidance as I just feel so confused and am wondering if I experienced abuse from my very recent ex.

When I met my ex he was wonderful for the first few months. He was kind, thoughtful, bought me flowers weekly and gifts and told me he loved me all of the time. We went travelling together and it was really exciting and intoxicating. However he started to text me saying that he felt I was texting other men. I put my foot down and was quite assertive with him which he seemed to accept. He stated that he had been cheated on in the past by several ex partners so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He is also from a different country so I thought it may possibly be cultural differences too.

However (detail removed by Moderator) he would text me to say that he felt I was texting other men. He also stated that I could come across ‘flirty’ with other men- I am not like that at all. I was firm with him and it seemed to resolve. (detail removed by Moderator) after that things appeared to be ok. Again we went travelling but when we came back he started to say that our conversations were (detail removed by Moderator) because we were from different countries and there was a language barrier. Again I was assertive and he seemed to accept this. At first everything seemed to come from him being insecure rather than a direct criticism of me.

Again we had another long period on things going really well. More travel, lots of affection, gifts. My family and friends thought he was wonderful. However at times he made comments that he could never talk to me like my friends do. That I seemed happier with them than I did with him. He also didn’t like it once when I went to a pub with my friend. Again I was assertive and said you need to trust me or we won’t work. Again it was more apologies and more affection. I kind of had a feeling that he was insecure and was reassured that when I challenged him over his accusations he appeared to back down. However he would intermittently give me the silent treatment and become jealous again. But this was about 10%of the time and the rest of the time he was lovely.

We had a long period of things going well. I really thought that we had resolved things and felt reassured that it was just his past insecurities and now that we were in a settled relationship it had resolved. We eventually moved in together. The (detail removed by Moderator) were great but then he began to change again. He never went out apart from work and we spent all our time together. He became really grumpy. He never called me a name or shouted but there was a definate feeling of distain from him, grumpy side glances. Eye rolling. Bad personal habits which I asked him to stop but he didn’t. Sarcastic ‘humour’ (detail removed by Moderator) and whenever we went shopping or something he would always say (detail removed by Moderator). He criticised my driving. The demeanour was completely different. He was a completely different person. Withheld affection. I felt like he went from loving me to not being able to stand me.

He recently ended things and moved out. No apology, no empathy for my feelings. Just took his stuff and left stating that he wasn’t happy. When he left there was nothing nice about it at all. It was brutal. I’m

I just feel so confused. 90% if the time he was lovely. It’s the intermittent nice/mean that I really struggle with.

He never shouted or swore or got physical. But I have been left shocked about the whole situation.

Was it abuse? Thank you for listening.

[Beachrunner]

I forgot to add that he would often sulk and gave me the silent treatment once when he didn’t feel like we were being intimate enough. Thank you.

[Texas]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum, you’ll get loads of support from some great people.

What you have described there is similar to my recent experience, and I’m sorry to say it is an abusers MO. Love bombing at the beginning, making you feel like you have finally found ‘the one’, then slowly starting to test your boundaries (well done for standing up for yourself by the way). Then cue more love bombing and more boundary testing…you get the idea. With each boundary test they up the ante to see how much they get away with (i.e. the abuse slowly gets worse – think the boiling a frog analogy). Silent treatment is a classic technique to manipulate you into feeling guilty for expressing your needs.

He ended the relationship as you were too strong for him. That was what someone told me after it happened to me. I used to keep telling myself that.

I found it really hard at first to reconcile the nice person from the nasty person. The nice person is not real, they create that to suck you in. Are you journalling? I found it really helpful to write down the bad stuff and how it made me feel to remind me of the true person.

It is really hard at first but I promise you will get through it xx

[Beachrunner]

Thank you so much Texas for your response. Reading your post has helped me so much. It’s helped me to understand what was going on and the pattern that was emerging.

You are right, he definitely love bombed me at the beginning. I was not long out of a long term relationship in which I was not made to feel like I was good enough and I was cheated on. So when I met my ex I couldn’t believe how much he seemed to love me so quickly. It all seemed so real and genuine. I was literally thanking my lucky stars that I had met such a living and romantic partner. My family adored him. We travelled he world together. But my fairy tale soon turned into my worst nightmare.

He would be loving and then turn very jealous. He would express this in nasty text messages. But would soon apologise and then everything would be ok and wonderful again. It was a slow and very subtle change over the space of a year. He was jealous of me spending time with my friends. He didn’t like me having male friends. But would say it’s because he loved me so much. I believe I moved him in to my home earlier than I wanted to because of his ‘insecurities’. One night he reluctantly agreed to come out with me and my friends and I could feel that he wasn’t happy seeing me have fun. Even though he never said anything I could feel the distain. The looks across the table.

You are right that each time his boundary pushing got worse. Towards the end he treated me like I was stupid. Sarcastic ‘humour’. Side glances and eye rolling. Complete withdrawal of any affection to the point that he was pushing me away. It was awful. Criticised my driving to the point where I lost all of my confidence driving. All as a ‘joke’. And when he ended the relationship it was so cruel. He didn’t have one nice word. Wouldn’t answer any of my questions. Told me that he couldn’t understand why I was emotional. The ended things while we were travelling home from (detail removed by moderator) and I cried all the way home. He didn’t once ask me if I was ok. Instead he made comments about me liking other men. Like I meant nothing to him. He sent some pretty cruel responses when I asked why he had ended things. Blocked me like I was nothing. The man I had loved and lived with.

I have started journaling. It helps. But I feel like this has really affected me. I miss the loving and romantic man I first met. Who was he? All my confidence has gone. I don’t want to start again. My mind knows that it is better that he has left but my heart misses him. The good him. I miss him so much. I miss watching the sun go down together on the beach.

It feels like the worst mind game of my life. I can’t understand it. It gives me hope that maybe over time I will start to feel better. Thank you.

[Texas]

Hi,

You are going through exactly what I have been going through. The best I can describe it is waiting for a set of those old fashioned scales to settle. You’ll get times when one side is weighed down with anger at the treatment. Other times the other side will be weighed down with memories of the good times. They will go up and down for a while, but they will slowly settle into a realistic/balanced view. My best advice is sit with the feelings, keep journalling and perhaps seek some counselling if you are ready to.

These conflicting thoughts are completely normal, and it is also said there is a chemical thing in the brain as well that keeps you engaged with the good times, like an addiction. So as well as the break up you are also going cold turkey. So go easy on yourself, and make sure at the very least you are eating well, getting rest. Keep talking to friends and family even if it is only a quick text to say hi.

I thought the pain would never end but I am now nearly completely healed and using this time as an opportunity to rebuild my life into exactly what I want it to be.

You’ve got this x

[Beachrunner]

Thank you so much again Texas for your reply. It was so nice to be given some hope that things may get better! I also recieved your post on a day I felt really low over Easter. So thank you.

I feel completely how you described. Some days I feel stronger and angry. Other days I just feel so low and cannot understand why the man I loved was so mentally cruel to me. It’s like my mind is trying to work out where the loving person went and when the cruel abuser appeared. I also ruminate constantly sbout why he did this to me. I ruminate to the point that I feel like I’m going crazy! Why he was so hateful towards me at the end. My mind wants answers.
It’s so reassuring to know that these up and down days will eventually settle and that I will be able to have a more balanced view.

I must admit that I am considering counselling as what happened has really affected me. I have started antidepressants and that helps. But on my bad days I feel so low and worthless and have to force myself to get out of bed and go to work. He took my confidence away. I noticed that on top of his abusive behaviour he has blocked me on everything. I know that this is not a bad thing but it still hurts. I haven’t contacted him so I know the block is just another way to punish/control me. He always was very good at the silent treatment. It scares me that I never knew the real him until the end. That he was living in my home and sleeping in my bed.

It is such good advice to keep in touch with friends, even to say hi. I have been isolating myself a bit since this happened. I feel very alone with my feelings as I struggle to talk about it and think people will just think it’s a normal breakup. I am so sensitive to the opinions of others so I don’t talk about it. I’m still adjusting to not having him in my life and home. Because we were always together it was a big adjustment. I spent all my time looking after him and our relationship and I rarely went out without him due to his insecurities.

Thank you for the post. The scales are a great analogy! I can’t wait for my scales to settle!

Thank you. I think I’ve got this too. Xx

[Texas]

Yay go you! I am so pleased you seem a bit more positive now.

The Devil had no choice with me, I blocked him first, but is was an instinctive response to protect myself as he had messaged me some horrible accusations about me that were so untrue. No contact is really important for healing as you are away from any further manipulation and as the fog in your brain clears and you start to see things as they really were, like a magic eye picture (another analogy!).

I have been in counselling and it helps. Find one that specialises in trauma, as that is what you are experiencing. You are also in a trauma bond which needs specialist help. It’s like you have been brainwashed, and it takes time and expert help to reprogram your brain.

Do keep posting on here to let me know how you are getting on. I’m a little further along this same path so happy to help if I can x

[Galabeee]

I didn’t want to read and run… I can relate to so much of what you have written, though I’m a few months ahead now. Trying to do the opposite of what I *feel* like doing (I so hear the not feeling like I want to get out of bed/ work etc.. / exercise ) .. and reaching out to friends (even some I’ve had to boundary that I won’t be talking about what’s going on as people seeing it, as you say as a “routine” (whilst still absolutely painful) relationship breakup) …

Counselling has helped- with the right person and as Texas says, someone who “gets” trauma… this is whole layers of trauma/ loss/ grief/ fear and questioning yourself within that (“who was this person? who was the person I thought they with? how did I share my home/ life/ bed with them? “) . This is huge stuff…its okay to take as long as it needs with the impact.

You are not on your own
g x

[SunshineLife]

Hi and well done for joining the forum. I have to say that you are lucky he just left! I know that may sound harsh but if not you could have been in a more difficult situation. Please please don’t let him back because he WILL try to come back!
Yes – all this was abuse… we have been through similar. Mine was physical, emotional, mental and finanicial abuse for (detail removed by Moderator) yrs! After I got a DVPO, non-molestation order, and restraining order (detail removed by Moderator)! My one won’t give up and the abuse is still continuing. (detail removed by Moderator)!
I find podcasts so beneficial as they explain my life!
(detail removed by Moderator)

As well as instagram & Facebook
(detail removed by Moderator)

Good luck – we are here for eachother.x

[Beachrunner]

Thank you so much for your supportive messages Texas, Galabee and sunshine (I hope I haven’t missed anyone). I am so very grateful and I feel less alone in my struggles. Thank you it means the world to me.

Apologies for my late response to your kind messages. I’ve have just been feeling so low these last few weeks. I didn’t know what to say and my motivation was so low. It’s like I have been set back in my healing. I think it’s because distance and space away from my ex is making me see the abuse more clearly now. It’s like a horrible mind game where sometimes I still question if I ‘imagined’ it or if I am overreacting. But I know how he was- particularly at the end- was very cruel and abusive. He was a completely different person, nasty, cold. He changed into a stranger when he moved into my home. He even looked different. He made me feel like it was all my fault and hinted that my reaction to the breakup wasn’t normal- although I did nothing other than ask why. He made me feel like I was going crazy. He said ‘this is normal’. My mind goes over and over it. It’s like I can’t switch it off. I question WHY did he do it? It also hurts so much to know that the love bombing- which was so intense for about 12months- was likely a ploy to control me. Which makes my relationship (and the person I loved) a hoax.

I know everyone must feel the same but it is so hard to process- someone you loved and had the best times with- could hurt you just to control you. My ex had an abusive father and I wonder if that afffected him. But it’s no excuse.

I’ve been forcing myself to the gym and eating healthily as best as I can in the hope that it will make my mind feel better too. But being able to post on here helps me so much. I don’t talk to my friends as I feel embarrassed and struggle to explain to them something I myself do not understand. I feel so alone. Most mornings I wake up and drag myself to work. Pretending everything is ok. When I’m with friends and family I pretend everything is ok. I’m sure there are thousands of us doing that.

I’m on antidepressants and want to take the steps to get counselling. I’m also watching podcasts which helps.

Thank you all so much for listening. Xx

[Beachrunner]

I forgot to add that I know you are right and should be glad he is gone from my life. I keep telling myself that so much.

I agree that he may come back. I noticed that he had unblocked me on WhatsApp.

No matter what happens I won’t take him back. Not after what he has done. ‘When someone shows you who they really are believe them’ is so true.

[Texas]

Hi Beachrunner, I have been thinking of you. Sorry you have found it hard, but everything you have described is completely normal. I really struggled with the nice person nasty person conflict as well. I have come to accept that this was all about them and their issues and nothing to do with me, and in time I will recover and they will have to continue to live with themselves.

I am quite a few months in, and there are some times where I do miss (the nice) him. This can be triggered by the weather, a song or even an advert on TV. The other day, I thought I could smell his scent. But this means I have more healing to do and if I process them now I will be completely free of the emotional trauma in the future. Also this is happening less and less so it does get easier. It is so important to be kind to yourself and look after yourself so keep it up!

I would block him on Whatsapp. You need space completely away from him so you can recover and not get sucked back into the cycle. I know this is hard, but it is so empowering as you are taking back control and prioritising you.

Keep posting, I am rooting for you.

[Beachrunner]

Thank you so much Texas for your reply and your support. It means so much to me that someone is thinking of me and rooting for me during this horrible time in my life. Your encouragement means so much to me. It helps so much. Thank you.

I am sorry for my late reply. Sometimes I just feel so low I just don’t know what to say. I think it’s because I am still processing a lot of what happened to me. It really resonated with me about being triggered by the weather. On sunny days it takes me back to the lovely Summer and holidays of last year- when he was love bombing me. Luckily there haven’t been to many sunny days this year! I actually feel better when it is raining which sounds crazy I know.

Then I remind myself that he would give me the silent treatment, even on holiday. (detail removed by moderator) He was the complete and total opposite of the man I first met who showered me with love and devotion. At first I wondered if he was having some kind of mental breakdown it was so bad. When he ended it all the nastiness came out, he said he wanted to leave me months ago but stayed because of my birthday and Christmas. That really hurt. He had been horrible during that time too. Made me feel worthless and that everything seemed to be my fault. He made Christmas and my birthday awful.

When I got home I bagged up his things and when he collected them he spoke down to me. Treated me with distain. Sniggering at me when I cried. Telling me that my feelings were ridiculous. That I just had to ‘deal with it’. And ending realtionships is ‘normal’. He made me feel like I was acting crazy even though I didn’t do or say anything bad. I kept my dignity but he made out that I was some kind of ‘crazy women’.

I have maintained no contact and am on a 6-8 waiting list for counselling. I’m doing everything I can to distract myself, gym, crafting, meditation groups. The roller coaster of emotions is exhausting. Some days good and the next day I crash down and miss him which is crazy. Some days I want to message him to call him out on his behaviour. Send one last message saying that I know who he is now, his games, gaslighting, love bombing and abuse and then block him. I wonder if this would make me feel better?

Sorry to have banged on a bit. It feels so good to talk here. Thank you for listening.

[Beachrunner]

Sorry I forgot to add that even though I am normally a balanced and capable person this experience as really left me questioning myself. He really made me feel like I was a crazy person. That feeling still affects me now. I wondered if this is normal? Thank you. X

[Texas]

Hello, great to hear from you! You are doing so well. It may not feel like it but honestly you are.

Liking rainy days as they don’t trigger memories is normal, I’m the same! But what I try and so is change the association. Sunny days triggered me at first but I made sure on sunny days I planned nice things to do so I replaced the association. I also make sure I play music I enjoy so when I feel a bit low I can play those songs and that will take me to those nice memories.

You deserve to be valued for who you are. If someone cannot so that and make you feel that bad then they are not worth the trouble. You deserve so much better! In time you will reach a point where you will be truly glad he is gone, and he has made room for the good things and people you need in your life, which you do deserve!

At first it will seem there are more bad days then good, but in time you will see that the balance has started to shift the other way! Soon there will be more good times then bad 😀

Think carefully before deciding to send that last message. I’ve had similar thoughts. In the short term you might feel better, but in the long term, you will just prolong your pain. It will also give him the message that you will always come back despite how poorly he treats you. Hold that boundary firmly! Reinforce it!

You can write that last message but do not send it, it’s for you.
You could then throw it away, delete or burn it if you wanted.

I kept a journal and I found it helpful to talk through what I had written with my counsellor. It also helped me to remember things I wanted to discuss with her. That might help you perhaps?

What you are experiencing is normal. These people have a knack of breaking you down so much that you no longer know or recognise yourself. I found that. But I have also enjoyed getting to know and liking me. I don’t love myself yet, but I am getting there.

Keep doing what you are doing, you are doing really well x

[Texas]

Hi @Beachrunner, just checking in to see how you are?

[Beachrunner]

Hi Texas,

Thank you so much for thinking of me. It means so much to me. Thank you. This is my third attempt at replying as the system seems to be crashing a bit today so I will keep my response a bit shorter than I normally would and will give more detail next time.

Thsnk you for saying that I am doing well! Most of the time I feel quite cross with myself as I want to be over this quicker. It’s been sever all months now. But what I do know is that I am pleased with myself for not contacting him. I know that all I would get in response is nastiness.

The more time that passes the more I can see it was an abusive relationship although I still question it. Am I being dramatic. It goes on and on in my mind.

Being accused of texting other men because I was using my phone in the bedroom. This happened many times. Sulking when I saw my friends. Cancelling plans because I saw friends. Telling me that I said an ex’s name in my sleep. Accusing me of going to a bar full of men. Accusing me of coming home drunk ( I am a healthy and wouldn’t do that). The worst of it all though was when he moved in. The jealously stopped and instead was replaced with complete distain. Like everything I did annoyed him. I can still see the sneers, eye rolling and everything was my fault.
Before he moved in despite the jealousy he was lovely 95% of the time. Romantic, flowers. That all stopped when he moved in.

I’ve started reading Lundy Bancroft and that is helping. Sharing my story with you and other women is helping. But I feel very low and alone. I tell no one else.

I still wonder if it was abuse.

[Beachrunner]

Thank you again Texas and everyone. It is such a relief to share how I am feeling! Most of the time I just pretend to the world that I am happy and that everything is ok.

I am keeping busy. Trying my best. Thinking of you all. X

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