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    • #167030
      Beachrunner
      Participant

      Hello everyone. This is my first post and I am grateful to have found this forum. I am hoping to get some guidance as I just feel so confused and am wondering if I experienced abuse from my very recent ex.

      When I met my ex he was wonderful for the first few months. He was kind, thoughtful, bought me flowers weekly and gifts and told me he loved me all of the time. We went travelling together and it was really exciting and intoxicating. However he started to text me saying that he felt I was texting other men. I put my foot down and was quite assertive with him which he seemed to accept. He stated that he had been cheated on in the past by several ex partners so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He is also from a different country so I thought it may possibly be cultural differences too.

      However (detail removed by Moderator) he would text me to say that he felt I was texting other men. He also stated that I could come across ‘flirty’ with other men- I am not like that at all. I was firm with him and it seemed to resolve. (detail removed by Moderator) after that things appeared to be ok. Again we went travelling but when we came back he started to say that our conversations were (detail removed by Moderator) because we were from different countries and there was a language barrier. Again I was assertive and he seemed to accept this. At first everything seemed to come from him being insecure rather than a direct criticism of me.

      Again we had another long period on things going really well. More travel, lots of affection, gifts. My family and friends thought he was wonderful. However at times he made comments that he could never talk to me like my friends do. That I seemed happier with them than I did with him. He also didn’t like it once when I went to a pub with my friend. Again I was assertive and said you need to trust me or we won’t work. Again it was more apologies and more affection. I kind of had a feeling that he was insecure and was reassured that when I challenged him over his accusations he appeared to back down. However he would intermittently give me the silent treatment and become jealous again. But this was about 10%of the time and the rest of the time he was lovely.

      We had a long period of things going well. I really thought that we had resolved things and felt reassured that it was just his past insecurities and now that we were in a settled relationship it had resolved. We eventually moved in together. The (detail removed by Moderator) were great but then he began to change again. He never went out apart from work and we spent all our time together. He became really grumpy. He never called me a name or shouted but there was a definate feeling of distain from him, grumpy side glances. Eye rolling. Bad personal habits which I asked him to stop but he didn’t. Sarcastic ‘humour’ (detail removed by Moderator) and whenever we went shopping or something he would always say (detail removed by Moderator). He criticised my driving. The demeanour was completely different. He was a completely different person. Withheld affection. I felt like he went from loving me to not being able to stand me.

      He recently ended things and moved out. No apology, no empathy for my feelings. Just took his stuff and left stating that he wasn’t happy. When he left there was nothing nice about it at all. It was brutal. I’m

      I just feel so confused. 90% if the time he was lovely. It’s the intermittent nice/mean that I really struggle with.

      He never shouted or swore or got physical. But I have been left shocked about the whole situation.

      Was it abuse? Thank you for listening.

    • #167033
      Beachrunner
      Participant

      I forgot to add that he would often sulk and gave me the silent treatment once when he didn’t feel like we were being intimate enough. Thank you.

    • #167162
      Texas
      Participant

      Hi,

      Welcome to the forum, you’ll get loads of support from some great people.

      What you have described there is similar to my recent experience, and I’m sorry to say it is an abusers MO. Love bombing at the beginning, making you feel like you have finally found ‘the one’, then slowly starting to test your boundaries (well done for standing up for yourself by the way). Then cue more love bombing and more boundary testing…you get the idea. With each boundary test they up the ante to see how much they get away with (i.e. the abuse slowly gets worse – think the boiling a frog analogy). Silent treatment is a classic technique to manipulate you into feeling guilty for expressing your needs.

      He ended the relationship as you were too strong for him. That was what someone told me after it happened to me. I used to keep telling myself that.

      I found it really hard at first to reconcile the nice person from the nasty person. The nice person is not real, they create that to suck you in. Are you journalling? I found it really helpful to write down the bad stuff and how it made me feel to remind me of the true person.

      It is really hard at first but I promise you will get through it xx

    • #167230
      Beachrunner
      Participant

      Thank you so much Texas for your response. Reading your post has helped me so much. It’s helped me to understand what was going on and the pattern that was emerging.

      You are right, he definitely love bombed me at the beginning. I was not long out of a long term relationship in which I was not made to feel like I was good enough and I was cheated on. So when I met my ex I couldn’t believe how much he seemed to love me so quickly. It all seemed so real and genuine. I was literally thanking my lucky stars that I had met such a living and romantic partner. My family adored him. We travelled he world together. But my fairy tale soon turned into my worst nightmare.

      He would be loving and then turn very jealous. He would express this in nasty text messages. But would soon apologise and then everything would be ok and wonderful again. It was a slow and very subtle change over the space of a year. He was jealous of me spending time with my friends. He didn’t like me having male friends. But would say it’s because he loved me so much. I believe I moved him in to my home earlier than I wanted to because of his ‘insecurities’. One night he reluctantly agreed to come out with me and my friends and I could feel that he wasn’t happy seeing me have fun. Even though he never said anything I could feel the distain. The looks across the table.

      You are right that each time his boundary pushing got worse. Towards the end he treated me like I was stupid. Sarcastic ‘humour’. Side glances and eye rolling. Complete withdrawal of any affection to the point that he was pushing me away. It was awful. Criticised my driving to the point where I lost all of my confidence driving. All as a ‘joke’. And when he ended the relationship it was so cruel. He didn’t have one nice word. Wouldn’t answer any of my questions. Told me that he couldn’t understand why I was emotional. The ended things while we were travelling home from (detail removed by moderator) and I cried all the way home. He didn’t once ask me if I was ok. Instead he made comments about me liking other men. Like I meant nothing to him. He sent some pretty cruel responses when I asked why he had ended things. Blocked me like I was nothing. The man I had loved and lived with.

      I have started journaling. It helps. But I feel like this has really affected me. I miss the loving and romantic man I first met. Who was he? All my confidence has gone. I don’t want to start again. My mind knows that it is better that he has left but my heart misses him. The good him. I miss him so much. I miss watching the sun go down together on the beach.

      It feels like the worst mind game of my life. I can’t understand it. It gives me hope that maybe over time I will start to feel better. Thank you.

    • #167366
      Texas
      Participant

      Hi,

      You are going through exactly what I have been going through. The best I can describe it is waiting for a set of those old fashioned scales to settle. You’ll get times when one side is weighed down with anger at the treatment. Other times the other side will be weighed down with memories of the good times. They will go up and down for a while, but they will slowly settle into a realistic/balanced view. My best advice is sit with the feelings, keep journalling and perhaps seek some counselling if you are ready to.

      These conflicting thoughts are completely normal, and it is also said there is a chemical thing in the brain as well that keeps you engaged with the good times, like an addiction. So as well as the break up you are also going cold turkey. So go easy on yourself, and make sure at the very least you are eating well, getting rest. Keep talking to friends and family even if it is only a quick text to say hi.

      I thought the pain would never end but I am now nearly completely healed and using this time as an opportunity to rebuild my life into exactly what I want it to be.

      You’ve got this x

    • #167677
      Beachrunner
      Participant

      Thank you so much again Texas for your reply. It was so nice to be given some hope that things may get better! I also recieved your post on a day I felt really low over Easter. So thank you.

      I feel completely how you described. Some days I feel stronger and angry. Other days I just feel so low and cannot understand why the man I loved was so mentally cruel to me. It’s like my mind is trying to work out where the loving person went and when the cruel abuser appeared. I also ruminate constantly sbout why he did this to me. I ruminate to the point that I feel like I’m going crazy! Why he was so hateful towards me at the end. My mind wants answers.
      It’s so reassuring to know that these up and down days will eventually settle and that I will be able to have a more balanced view.

      I must admit that I am considering counselling as what happened has really affected me. I have started antidepressants and that helps. But on my bad days I feel so low and worthless and have to force myself to get out of bed and go to work. He took my confidence away. I noticed that on top of his abusive behaviour he has blocked me on everything. I know that this is not a bad thing but it still hurts. I haven’t contacted him so I know the block is just another way to punish/control me. He always was very good at the silent treatment. It scares me that I never knew the real him until the end. That he was living in my home and sleeping in my bed.

      It is such good advice to keep in touch with friends, even to say hi. I have been isolating myself a bit since this happened. I feel very alone with my feelings as I struggle to talk about it and think people will just think it’s a normal breakup. I am so sensitive to the opinions of others so I don’t talk about it. I’m still adjusting to not having him in my life and home. Because we were always together it was a big adjustment. I spent all my time looking after him and our relationship and I rarely went out without him due to his insecurities.

      Thank you for the post. The scales are a great analogy! I can’t wait for my scales to settle!

      Thank you. I think I’ve got this too. Xx

    • #167679
      Texas
      Participant

      Yay go you! I am so pleased you seem a bit more positive now.

      The Devil had no choice with me, I blocked him first, but is was an instinctive response to protect myself as he had messaged me some horrible accusations about me that were so untrue. No contact is really important for healing as you are away from any further manipulation and as the fog in your brain clears and you start to see things as they really were, like a magic eye picture (another analogy!).

      I have been in counselling and it helps. Find one that specialises in trauma, as that is what you are experiencing. You are also in a trauma bond which needs specialist help. It’s like you have been brainwashed, and it takes time and expert help to reprogram your brain.

      Do keep posting on here to let me know how you are getting on. I’m a little further along this same path so happy to help if I can x

    • #167680
      Galabeee
      Participant

      I didn’t want to read and run… I can relate to so much of what you have written, though I’m a few months ahead now. Trying to do the opposite of what I *feel* like doing (I so hear the not feeling like I want to get out of bed/ work etc.. / exercise ) .. and reaching out to friends (even some I’ve had to boundary that I won’t be talking about what’s going on as people seeing it, as you say as a “routine” (whilst still absolutely painful) relationship breakup) …

      Counselling has helped- with the right person and as Texas says, someone who “gets” trauma… this is whole layers of trauma/ loss/ grief/ fear and questioning yourself within that (“who was this person? who was the person I thought they with? how did I share my home/ life/ bed with them? “) . This is huge stuff…its okay to take as long as it needs with the impact.

      You are not on your own
      g x

    • #167740
      SunshineLife
      Participant

      Hi and well done for joining the forum. I have to say that you are lucky he just left! I know that may sound harsh but if not you could have been in a more difficult situation. Please please don’t let him back because he WILL try to come back!
      Yes – all this was abuse… we have been through similar. Mine was physical, emotional, mental and finanicial abuse for (detail removed by Moderator) yrs! After I got a DVPO, non-molestation order, and restraining order (detail removed by Moderator)! My one won’t give up and the abuse is still continuing. (detail removed by Moderator)!
      I find podcasts so beneficial as they explain my life!
      (detail removed by Moderator)

      As well as instagram & Facebook
      (detail removed by Moderator)

      Good luck – we are here for eachother.x

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