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Hi, I’ve not long since moved in with my partner and have 2 children from a previous relationship, I stupidly thought moving in with him may help as he was displaying some abuse beforehand (emotional and psychological) but it’s obviously not helped… I know, ridiculous of me to think it might have helped him be less abusive.
I love him still, very much, but i feel like I’m starting to go crazy, he twists it all and makes me out to be the angry/ abusive one and I am starting to think maybe it IS me. I’m so depressed I’ve been put back on medication and I’m aware I am negative and maybe “nit pick” as he puts it. He calls me controlling as I called him (for example) once to find out where he was because I didn’t know if I should start dinner for us all or not. I do try and stand up for myself but he shouts over me and scares me with his temper- slamming doors and swearing. Comparing me to his ex and telling me I’m evil.
He tells me I’m scary when I shout at my kids (i try not to often and I certainly don’t shout loudly- just like the norm for a mum?!) but then tells me I’m a pushover and I let them walk all over me. He never let’s the kids see any of his nastiness to me, always picking times when they are asleep or at their dad’s. But I get silent treatment instead. I feel like everything I do is pulled apart and twisted round to be me.
The thing I’m scared of (terrified of) is losing my children, if I left him he would undoubtedly use my mental health against me and create stories about me to my children’s family. And I am terrified they will try to get custody and take my children. He will smear my name through the mud I just know it. My children are my whole world, they say they are very happy in the house and they like my partner. They tell me they love me and I’m the best mum every day, as I tell them how much I adore them, even when they drive me crazy!
Has anyone else felt this about leaving? Been scared to leave in case of losing children to ex partner (who’s not abusive we just separated amicably)
Many Thanks, FL x*x
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I think youve probably gone in to panic mode – emotional abuse definitely triggers that off in us xx
For one if your kids are above 9 years old they have a say in what they want (in a custody senario) so theyre happy where they are and your ex isnt abusive so he wont use all the awful tactics that abusers use. I can see why your panicking – but if you decide to end things with your current partner it might be wise to get in there first with your ex give him the heads up (your right abusers do use smear campaigns against us) – id be completely truthful – he will understand im sure especially if your leaving an abusive relationship to protect both of your children, your being a good role model. Fear hold us back from acting sometimes but if you approach this head on youll be absolutely fine 🙂 womens aid can help dont be emotionally blackmailed or intimidated xx
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Thankyou diymum, it’s so confusing. I just don’t know what to do. He can be so lovely to me, so kind but I’m always waiting for the next minute when he snaps. He snaps at the smallest thing, the dog whining, running out of sugar, me not putting something back right or moving something. He seems to act like I’m property- he will grab or touch me intimately in the name of affection, but often it is uncomfortable or when I’m cooking tea or something and so isn’t the right time!! Then he takes offence because it’s the wrong time and I’m “rejecting” him. He is allowed to look at women’s pin up type pics on FB but I can’t even mention finding other people attractive- I said was attracted to a ertain celebrity once, never again! Yet He is allowed to comment on women and make jokes about being with other women.
With regard to my children: (detail removed by moderator)– but I don’t know about telling my ex. I think he would doubt my ability to make good choices and good judgment and maybe question my ability as a mum to have them. He wasn’t abusive but he can be a bit of an a**e!
Is it me do you think? Is this all my fault? I feel I’ve brought it on myself and I’m the cause and if I just don’t retaliate and stay quiet he will be kinder to me and less angry at every thing.
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no its not you and its not your fault. It dosent matter if its the smaller things collectively this tension builds up and then your walking on egg shells. He is disrespecting you by grabbing you and thats the hall mark fro abuse – disrespect. also double standards is used in abuse.if you stay quiet and try to passify him he will still find fault – these guys feel the need to be top dog in the relationship thats what it boils down to they think they own us and are justified in doing this – its shocking xx have you read why does he do that? by lundy bancroft it explains it all xx
try not to get bogged down and take one day at a time – first port of call is womens aid – they can guide you and give you support. i know this is really hard and its very confusing but once you understand this being one step ahead will keep you and the kids safe from all of this xx
with your ex you will know best – if hes an arse also maybe try to keep the kids out of this as much as possible and your ex. dont let on until your out and if you go no contact with your current partner get the people you know to do the same if possible – no contact is the best solution xx diy mum
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Hi FruitLoops, of course you didn’t bring it on yourself – this is what he wants you to think. You cannot be held responsible for his bad behaviour. I cannot comment on the children – mine have left home and are remarkably well-balanced. But if they are not his children he surely has no rights or responsibilities where they are concerned. But as I say, I cannot really comment – other ladies are better placed. It’s hard to leave (I’m still here) but you need to. Make a plan, reach out to a local WA, clue yourself up on DA. Be kind to yourself – it’s NOT your fault. X
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Like i say- he is obviously in control of himself to some extent and aware of himself- he never does this when my children are around. It also seems he literally doesn’t think any of this aggression is wrong, at all. He is the victim in everything that’s happened to him, he absolutely thinks he is right, normal and a kind person and wouldn’t question himself. At all. It’s me who is causing him stress because I’m unhappy and miserable and pessimistic he says. I don’t think for one minute he realises that it could be him. He told me his ex went the same way- and I want to scream- that’s why she went that way!!! There is a common denominator here!
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Thankyou for your responses. I need to do a lot of thinking and considering. I’ve also wondered what the best approach is to take when he is being accusatory or critical and when he is being very loud and screaming and shouting at me. Anger doesn’t work in response and inevitably escalates him to a terrifying level where I end up absolutely sobbing my heart out and saying I’m sorry over and over. It sounds crazy but I’ve even taken to once saying “please just hit me” as I think I would rather that than the constant emotional hell. I often walk out, non responsive, and go for a drive or to see a friend. But then I get accused of being cruel and abusive because I’ve got him to that angry rage and then just left the house for hours, and he doesn’t know where I am. But sometimes it’s all I can do to get my head straight and stop him screaming and frightening me. Is that the wrong thing to do? Am I being abusive by doing that? I just can’t do anything to calm him and I can’t stand there whilst he punches doors and intimidates me.
Do I react to his nastiness by staying calm and non emotional? Because then he says I’m cold and horrible. I am so upset and don’t know how to react best to de-escalate him.
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no your doing the best thing walking away which is good in a non abusive relationship more so as that would be cooling off time. i recently read a book called the verbally abusive relationship its by patricia evans it said in this instance simply say ‘stop it’ your setting a boundary. its definitely not easy but him seeing you break down gives him power over you. you could also try the grey rock technique xx we always fear the situation will escalate but in not doing anything it will anyway. it took me a long time to see it that way. its better to get support once you decide you need to get out of this relationship. one thing i know for sure is these guys crumble in the face of authority xx journal everything that is happening smashing things ets is physical abuse and intimidating behaviour xdiy mum
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Thankyou diymum. I’ll read those books. Have been journaling, not always remembering to put in exact dates but sometimes I’m in such a state I just need to urgently write it all. It’s all secure in my phone. The trouble is: he has got a lot of stuff he could use against me probably all ‘he said she said’ type stuff) when I’ve been very very depressed I’ve said things I didn’t mean about myself (like feeling in the past suicidal) in emotional distress. But I do have all the conversations and arguments via text messaging & voice messages in my phone too. I played a friend one he sent the other day (the only person who knows about all of this) and she was appalled/horrified at him and said (as she knows him through family) that they all know what he is like and they saw it with his ex. But I’m scared they wouldn’t defend me if it came to it and he’d cleverly manipulate it to look like me!!!
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hey this situation is going to make you feel pretty c****y – it makes you fearful stressed like theres no hope – i felt pretty trapped in my previous relationship. the problem was i was too scared to speak out- i was scared if i spoke out everyone would just put me to the side – say that i was crazy or hysterical. i did feel both of these feelings but only because i didnt understnad what the dymamics were and through fear we dont think rationally, its probably due the adrenalin rushing through us.
id rely on yourself, know your stuff, your diary will count, the people who love you will come forward. its up to WA the police and other authorities to be there to protect you. It is unlawful what hes doing. are there holes in the doors and walls? i showed things like that as evidence or use a recording but be careful xx The GP can help if you let them know how his behaviour is affecting you make sure the cause is very clear – him xx
try to have trust there are good people out there who genuinely care and will understand x diymum
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tbh the ‘your crazy’ line is classic abuser projection on you – he is the crazy one behaving like this towards you xx
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You’re so right diymum. I just don’t trust anyone now I feel. I feel that people are against me and I’m going to lose everything. Btw- I’ve been called crazy woman by him so many times I’ve lost count.
I feel like I’m losing my marbles, these abusers confuse and disorientate you until you start to fully doubt everything and feel it just must be all your fault. Which is exactly how I feel just now.
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have you heard of jackson katz – he explains victim blamimg really well. this isnt your fault its societies – people dont want to face men up because theyre scared to face or confront these men and there behavior. They blame the woman for putting up with these men – they are blamimg the wrong people!
WA and the GP are confidential they wont involve ss – when the police are called and this would be by yourself or a neighbour, friend thats when ss get a referral this happened to me and they didnt even come to see me – i had the same as you, doors getting punched- knifes in the wall- verbal abuse – x2 physical attacks xx in my experience and we went to court i know that ss dont get involved in contact issues. correct me if im wrong if other people have but that might be linked to an asbo or previous convictions xx
you wont loose your kids your doing the right thing protecting them – how are they doing in all of this ? xx
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My kids are happy confident little whirlwinds. Doing well at school, and like I say, they haven’t witnessed anything as he is very clever when he does all his shouting and stuff. He is nice to them! Which I am thankful for.
But I am not sure how much longer I can stay strong in front of them. I am doing my very best, I cry when they are in bed or not here. I take them out to nice places and spoil them rotten if I can afford it!
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Hi fruitloops, the only way children are safe guarded is if they are deemed at risk but from what you are saying he does this when they are not there, but children are very aware when something’s not right, especially when it comes to their mum. They see you’re unhappy, frightened even. By telling you’re doctor what is going on, about how scared you are of being labelled crazy by him and having you’re children removed because of that. Unless you have a psychiatric evaluation and are deemed a risk to your children then and only then would they be removed. his word alone is not enough to have that happen💞 would it be possible to get in touch with his ex, esp since he’s saying you’re doing to him.(🤣🤣) what she did. My oh too says that by the way, the common denominator in all this is him!
Have you asked the police if he’s on their radar through Clare’s Law? His ex (and others) may have reported his behaviour but not wanted to press charges. It’s utterly exhausting living in their world, not knowing the rules😒
This is not your fault, all of this is his doing. He’s found a lovely, carrying woman who feel in love with him and he’s abusing that love and trust. Abuser isnt all about being battered. Emotional, psycological and mental abuse are worse, cos there’s no marks to see apart from ‘a crazy woman’. Try and find the strength to contact WA, they will listen and believe you unconditionally. Sadly they are well aware of how these people work,twisting reality.
Keep posting my love, this forum is a lifeline. It shows us we’re not imagining things, how can we be, when everyone of us could be describing the others partners?
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕 -
if ss ever did get involved they usually ask that the abuser is no longer residing at the house and that you keep him away – it is in your favour but i know many women struggle with this because they have trauma bonds, they get manipulated and black mailed so if you decide to leave it has to be no contact for you and third party for hand over and contact for the kids xx thats a long way off for now but thats how it works xx my child and i dont see my ex at all now x life gets better and alot easier without an abuser in it xx
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i think often the situations are very similar – at least from that we can sort of pre-emp what happens nexct for each other – i feel its the least i can do, i honestly hope you can make this transition with the least amount of trauma and damage. we get hyper- vigilent too like snipers watching the enemy almost! your just being careful but your right in saying he wont want to see him self in his true light as these men are often (removed by moderator) xx
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Hi I’m new to this forum.
Everything in your post fits exactly with the pattern my ex uses.
Threats, you’re a bad mum because you’re nasty but you’re too much of a pushover bla bla bla.
This gets you in a spin because nothing is logical.
Threats to contact a third party and use them against you.
All to make you panic and question yourself.I also let him move in with me even though I knew what he was capable of. Man the police had a non-molestation order against him for a year where he couldn’t contact me. I am such an idiot.
So this is 2nd time round for me. The good thing about 2nd time round is that the pattern becomes really obvious.
Last time he said:
The same as you – I was a bad mum and I had f—ed up my children.
I had been a bad wife and driven my ex husband to drink.
I was a dog ugly F—er amongst other things.
He was going to tell the head teacher at my school that I was such a bad mum (detail removed by moderator).
He was going to expose rude photos of me to everyone. etc etc etc etc etcTHIS TIME the threats are:
He is going to pay my (detail removed by moderator) year old son “a visit”.
He is going to visit my ex inlaws to “find out” about me.
He is going to rent a house back to back with me so I will have to see him every day.OF COURSE its all my fault because I never wanted him.
I re-kindled with him after the order ended because of his persistence and partly because I was worried that he would carry out his threats. I wish I hadn’t. I have left out the psycho stuff.
(detail removed by moderator) from throwing him out.
Its been hell I won’t lie.
But its the right thing.Its been so hard as Ive had nasty messages from his family because OF COURSE he’s fed them and whoever else will listen, a whole lot of rubbish about me.MY POINT
After all that waffle. My point is that if its now, tomorrow or next week, whenever you make the break from him, it will not be easy. OF COURSE he’s going to threaten you with this that and the other. Rest assured that Social Services have heard it all before. They would not remove your children without very very good reason. Social Services will also know that you have split with him with the wellbeing of your children in mind.Your bloke is following a pattern. Have no doubt about it. If you split, he will find someone else and follow the exact same pattern again.
GET OFF THE ROUNDABOUT!
I got off (detail removed by moderator) ago and my head is still spinning but every day that goes by I know I am doing what is right for me and my kids. Its hell. I won’t deny that, but its much better than losing a part of myself every day and becoming a shadow of the woman that I once was.Good luck honey.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!-
Ubichu; thankyou for your reply. And well done on breaking free!! Brilliant. I’m amazed at how many men seem to fit the pattern! What is going on? I think with my OH it’s his past, he witnessed his dad being a male chauvinist type to his mum and he seems to think it’s acceptable despite saying how disgusted he was with his dad. He keeps saying how much he has learnt from his ex and changed and I have to actually stop from laughing as if he was worse with her, then dear god I feel for the poor woman! It’s not exactly as if he knows how to treat women now! I don’t think he’s learnt a thing other than how to blame everyone else.
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i had that too – i will put the children right about you when theyre old enough – yeh about what i have a job that has a psoition of trust – a clean record – ive never hurt a flie these men will do anything to get there way even if that means scaring us into submission – dont let that happen as its all hot air xx diy mum
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Upbringing passes down the families belief systems. The only way to stop these men is by force ie the police, court system. Even then there phylisopys are so engrain they still won’t admit they are wrong. It so hard in this situation because in our weakest hour we have to be quite fierce. I think we have to be proud that were still standing and fighting back against all of this. I hope the next generation turn out better than the men this one produced (well not all of them) xx luv diymum
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