New Here ..and really need some advice

[Birdsong100]

Hello, I have been in a abusive relationship for just coming up (detail removed by Moderator) years and ended it (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago , got a new number and blocked him on everything, however I feel like I am grieving and feel lost and scared of always feeling this way .. when we met he said he was single and after about (detail removed by Moderator) year I found out he was married and had another woman who he also lived with part time ( the first year was amazing he was so nice and kind and I had totally fallen for him ) but realized he had slowly made my life so small and distanced me from friends and family that I didn’t leave at that point and his wife divorced him .. Things changed and he started to be nasty telling me that I was not good enough for him to be with full time and put me down about my physical appearance and the way I behaved, he coerced me to be intimate when I didnt want too (for fear of a angry outburst) he would turn up at my house to suit him and stupidly I allowed this to happen, he questioned my every move, who I was with where I was going and would text and call all the time and get annoyed when I did not answer straight away. I was always scared and treading on eggshells even when he was not here.he had said he put cameras in my house and tracked my car and he made me think I was going crazy.. His job allows him to be away from home and thats how he gets away with this, he threatened that if I told his girlfriend ( who he now lived with after his divorce he would hurt me or my family ) (detail removed by Moderator) years ago he went to (detail removed by Moderator) and married the girlfriend and text and called me everyday telling me he had made the biggest mistake and he loved me and wanted to sort out when he was back, whilst he was in (detail removed by Moderator) getting married I suffered a stress related heart attack and he returned home married and the abuse started again .. its taken me the last (detail removed by Moderator) years to build enough strength and courage to finally stop this and block him ..and he has left me alone as I have found out he is on to his next victim .. I am so torn and want to tell his wife what is going on and stop this happening to another poor woman .. what should I do ? leave them to find out or speak up and stop this or at least warn them ? am I feeling like doing this for revenge or is this the right thing to do ..I am a shadow of my former self and as he so often told me I was his and no other man would be with me I can not ever imagine being with any other man or even have a shred of confidence or self respect left .. can you ever heal from this .. sorry about the long message I could write forever about what went on

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome, the simple answer is yes, you absolutely can heal from this. It’s a painful and difficult road to recovery and you’re right about grieving. Have you considered reporting him to the police, you can use Claire’s Law to get them to talk to his latest partner and warn her. Contact your local womens aid for support. These men never really leave us alone as they feel entitled and it’s easier to recycle an old victim than break in a new one. Read Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You will be detoxing like a drug addict but zero contact is the way forward x hang in there and it will get better. I wouldn’t speak to his new partner as she probably already knows but like he love bombed you, he will be repeating the pattern.

[Birdsong100]

Thankyou for your reply and you are exactly right I feel like a addict detoxing! I cant report him he works as a (detail removed by Moderator) and his now wife is a (detail removed by Moderator) , he has already made me feel like I am mad he will do something to turn this on me I know it. and like the sexual abuse or coercion I spoke to him about how I felt and he said it was all in my mind and he would never force himself on me and then for days he would freeze me out and be nasty about my body ect .. my daughter is married to a (detail removed by Moderator) man and he has said he will report them (even though he is here legally) he will make sure he gets deported. I read this back and feel I sound so weak and stupid.

[Birdsong100]

I wont ever go back there, I just feel that he will continue to destroy women until he is stopped. He uses mental abuse mostly and things like pulling about when angry and pain by pressing pressure points on body or pushing on finger nails ect .. things that really hurt but no one would ever know

[Mellow]

Hello sorry we are speaking on such terms sending strength I am with an emotionally abusive man and have been almost (detail removed by Moderator) years I have now told him it’s ended but he is still at home I’m finding it very difficult as things are ongoing if it was me you could send the lady a letter but that would depend how strong you are to deal with any of the consequences though you have earned her it does not mean she will listen.

[KIP.]

My abuser was a (detail removed by Moderator) full of threats too. He was arrested and convicted so don’t let that put you off reporting him.

[Camel]

You need to protect yourself and contacting other women in his life will keep you involved in his drama. Chances are they won’t be receptive anyway while they’re in the honeymoon phase.

Believe me, every day free of him is a day towards recovery.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably got there first, n**********c players groom and manipulate women and then keep juggling them they lie about each one and to each one to try and keep everything the way they want it to, please don’t listen to him, who coerces someone into intimacy then threatens them then tells them how much they love them after getting married? This man is horrible with capitals calling him a snake would be an insult to snakes, telling his wife would make it seem like you still want him and we know how good at lying abusers are, he’ll put you down as an obsessed ex (if he hasn’t already) and may even call the police.Due to their nature with suspicion and paranoia they’re always 10 steps ahead, if you want him gone cut every tie you’ve got with him and if you’ve proof of his harassment you can take it down the legal road also make sure all the trackers and cameras are gone but saying that put ones up for your benefit and proof just get this sick (detail removed by Moderator) out of your life forever, you’ll probably need some kind of counselling don’t be ashamed of the circumstances you were manipulated and you’ll be manipulated as long as there’s contact your also probably trauma bonded and that bond will stay tight with any kind of contact (especially physical) take care get all the support you need for you 🧡🌞🧡

[Eggshells]

Hi Birdsong100

I’ll pm you with a reply.

I think your post will be moderated for your safety. So that my response is not also moderated it’s better if I pm you.

[Eggshells]

Hmm. Not sure if the pm worked. Please let me know if you didn’t get it.

[Author]

Posts