New here and struggling

[kloo]

Hi everyone, I was directed towards this forum and I’m really glad to find that there is a place to share my experiences and connect with others.

I have been out of my abusive relationship for a while now, and whilst the direct aftermath felt liberating, I’m finding settling into a new relationship particularly difficult. I do have BPD, which I feel might be exacerbating things too. I’m basically just feeling scared all the time, that I’m never going to be good enough for another person, and whilst my boyfriend is a breath of fresh air and was so supportive when I opened up to him about my past relationship, I feel like each day I convince myself that he doesn’t want to see me anymore, or that I’m being annoying and needy. I don’t want to feel like this, I want to continue my journey into rediscovering my confidence and feeling okay by myself but I feel like I’ve just hit a wall and I’m terrified about the future every single day.

I hope this makes sense.

[Lisa]

Hello Kloo,

Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your experience with us, it sounds like a confusing and upsetting time for you at the moment.

Unfortunately, it’s very normal to struggle to settle into a new relationship after experiencing domestic abuse. It is natural to find it difficult to trust someone again. You may be hyper vigilant, or very aware of any potential red flags, and that’s okay. Many women experience these feelings.

It sounds like, in your previous relationship, you may have been made to feel scared, not good enough, unwanted and needy, and that is what you are expecting to feel in this new relationship so you are maybe anticipating his actions, or preparing yourself for these things. It’s very difficult to simply ‘let go’ of these fears, and both you and your partner need to be patient and compassionate towards yourself/you, and know that it’s not an easy process.

Does your partner have a good understanding of the dynamics of domestic abuse? It could be helpful for you if he can empathise with what you’ve been through.

Have you been able to access any counselling or emotional support in terms of what’s happened? Your local domestic abuse support service might offer this type of support, they can be found here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Alternatively, you could look for a private counsellor with an understanding around domestic abuse. The Counselling Directory has information on counsellors that will cover your area: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[kloo]

Thank you so much for your reply, I have looked through the counselling directory and been in touch with a few people to see about starting some sessions to help with things. I feel that my partner understands the aspects of abuse that I went through, when I first opened up about it, I was very upset and scared that he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore, and I’m just trying to remember his reassurance and support when I’m feeling unsure of myself.

I really appreciate your advice x

[Living Warrior]

hi my lovely and welcome 🙂
i had the same problem settling into my relationship, i too kept telling myself i wasnt good enough, or that he would get bored or some other stupid thing. This is normal, we have spent a lifetime being told we are useless, and being degraded at every turn. So when someone genuinely thinks we are awesome we either think they are lying, will change their mind, or they have a hidden agenda. Again this is normal.
when we leave we take “their voice in our head” with us. I didnt like myself much, and believed what he had said for years. Truth is, what he said was rubbish and said to keep me down. i went to womens aid and did the power to change programme which helped me look at myself and learn about myself all over again. it was scary but also fun too, i found films, books, foods and activities i had never tried, that i now love! being open to your new partner is always a bonus too, that way he can make his choices to leave or stay based on facts, ( the first guy i started seeing left, this wasnt my fault nor his, he just lacked the capacity to be able to help me) i did really well on my own, then out of the blue i met someone who changed me life for the better, he is always there and knows and supports my journey at finding myself again 🙂

so there is hope. 🙂 i thought i was too tainted to be happy again. and even though my ex is still lingering around, i know i am strong enough (most days) to deal with the c**p he tried to shove on me.

i found “healing the trauma of domestic violence, a workbook for women”by Edward s.kubany, PHD, Mari A mcCaig, MSCP and Janet R Laconsay, MA really useful, it gives you information and also exercised to work through,
look into negative self talk- there are many articles and information about it.

Basically if you can catch yourself in the “negative thought” and challenge it, explaining to yourself why it is wrong.. it helps stop the cycle.
this is also part of the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy that i am doing.

Also there is an app called “silvercloud” you can sign up for free and work on things like depression and anxiety, you work through it at ur own pace and u have the chance at having a professional review your work or just do it yourself, this is helping me currently, and they have a feature where you can monitor your negative thoughts 🙂

good luck with your journey
stay safe xx

[kloo]

Hi Living Warrior, thank you so much for commenting. This resonates so much with me, and I’m sorry that you went through this too. Thank you for your recommendations, the course definitely sounds worth saving up for, and I purchased the book you suggested too 🙂 I’m on a waiting list for CBT, and hope that comes through soon, some of the exercises sound like exactly what I need.

Thank you for your support, it means a lot 🙂 x

[Author]

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