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Hi all, I was referred to our local womens aid outreach in (detail removed by moderator). I have completed the freedom programme, 20 weeks of trauma counselling too which was so helpful and supportive. I am still going through it though. He is not in the house mow but he is still taking me to court. I have recently been signed off work as I just can’t cope with everything.
I know its not me, but the constant words from his solicitors are so scathing and accusatory towards me. I get this is how it is but its just so hard to deal with. I find it so difficult to go out and so worried to try to live my life as at every turn I am worried he will continue to try to discredit me.
I even struggle at the moment with every day tasks……I keep telling my friends I am better being alone as this has been going on for so long I feel like I am such a hindrance to everyone….. x*x
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Hi treees,
I hear you loud and clear. I know what it’s like to no longer be with them but the abuse still continues with the lies and defamation by way of legal paperwork and court cases. I lived like that too, always defending myself and trying to get the truth seen or heard. I was living in limbo. I was ‘existing’ and waiting to live my life once this was ‘all over’. Living like this got me more down and more depressed.
My advice to you is to find some time and space for ‘you’. Living in limbo, ie. waiting for an outcome that can give some sort of closure, is so stressful. One lady on here described the legal process as being like a full time job and she was right. I described it as ‘all consuming’. I lived it, breathed it and dreamed about it and my conversations with people were all about where I was at with what stage or whatever legal process was that was going on. But even with full time jobs we get time off to re-charge ourselves and do something else. This feeling of being a hindrance or a burden to others is something I fully understand too. I think it can come from the fact that we find our lives unbearable due to what is going on, so therefore, people must find US unbearable. This isn’t true though. So many people were there for me when I reached out for help, not only to offer support or advice but to offer friendship and a social life too. I started to do voluntary work for other people who were in vulnerable situations and I found this quite helpful as it took the focus of my situationy for a little while and be able to help someone else.
All of us lead busy lives and I’ve found out recently that sometimes I need to MAKE the time to reach out to my friends if I want to spend time with them. They are assuming that I am busy with work and stuff, we update our social media with things we’ve been up to or places we’ve been, so when you actually phone someone or message them to see if they are free to chat the reply is ‘yes, is everything ok?’ When I was younger we’d just phone for a chat, but now, it seems that people only want to chat if something’s up?! Do you have friends you can contact for a chat and arrange a meet up for a coffee, or invite them to your house one evening to watch a film, or go out to the cinema? It’s about making time for something that purposefully distracts you from the ongoing stresses of abuse, about stopping the ‘limbo’ and actually ‘living in the moment’ even if it’s for one night a month. We all need to remember what it’s like to have fun and what ‘normal’ life is about. No doubt if he hears that you’re out doing things he will find something negative about it to bring up in proceedings. My ex complained that I always seemed to be taking our (detail removed by moderator) with children in order to give them something nice to do and take the focus off the abuse for a little while.
Hiding ourselves away just adds to our depression, especially when we are off work with stress and possibly on medication. The medication can make us feel a lot worse before it makes us feel better. I was like a zombie on my AD’s to start with and just wanted to sleep. If you live alone, are off work and have most of the day to yourself then perhaps you could write a list of a couple of things to do every day, some can be as simple as ‘get dressed’. By writing a list it forms a plan, forming a plan is creating a goal, completing that is an achievement. I know how hard it is to do this, but having it written down makes it easier to succeed. I’m currently doing it daily with walking so many steps! If I don’t tick off that I’ve done it then I won’t go out and walk them.
Good friends don’t give up on us that easily, so don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ll bet there will be more people wanting to do more to help you in some way if only they knew you were feeling like this.
xx
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Thank you “wants to help”… I get all of that and completely understand everything you have said. I have gone back to a dance class, which I did ask the permission of my solicitor to start for hear of being judged when I had no money. The dance school have been allowing me to pay little by little to keep me going. Even doing this I found degrading but I am so conscious of being seen as doing something I shouldn’t be. I was concerned to go to the bank yesterday as I am off of work and worried that I would be seen and questioned as to why I could make it to the bank and not to work. Silly I know but it is how I feel.
Thank you all for your kind words
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I’m also new and struggling. It varies (because I choke it down just to keep going with ordinary life) but unlike others I haven’t left home or asked him to leave home, at least not for some years. The reasons are complex but are basically financial and practical, as I’m an older woman now. I’ll leave it there, so as just to say hello to the forum.
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