New here and struggling to move on

[Noslen]

Hi everyone. I have decided to join the forum after after a frightening time. My husband left me (detail removed by moderator) after being abusive to myself and my son (not his biological son). He has reported me to the police and social services making false and malicious allegations, leaving us both extremely scared and alone. I have made the choice to report him to the police but they have told me he will get away with it all as I have no evidence, only my son and sister have witnessed things. I was advised to take out an injunction but have been told that I am not able to as there has been no contact from him for 3 months, he always leaves it 2 or 3 months between. He has lied about having a mental breakdown after leaving his £(detail removed by moderator) debts for me to clean up and has now moved on with another woman. I am so alone and scared. My son has asked if we can move out of the area so that we never have to be scared of running into him or his family. I have tried to get advise from everywhere I can think of but am not able to move on, he has left me with complex ptsd and completely isolated and feeling like a shell of whoo I once was. If anyone has any advise please get in touch.

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. I’ve been through similar. I moved on very quickly from him but it was the trauma he left me with that I couldn’t move on from. That will take time and good counselling. Don’t be fooled that he’s moved on with another woman. If he had moved in he wouldn’t be putting you through this nightmare. They never really move on and that’s why zero contact is so important for our recovery. They often carry out a smear campaign to discredit us, so that when their abuse is exposed, they have got in there first with their ridiculous story. Your sister and son are witnesses in the eyes of the law so don’t let the police put you off. Make sure you speak to a domestic abuse police officer. You need to build a support network.contact your local women’s aid. My ex lied to the police about me. Make a complaint about him. It’s a crime to falsely report someone. I too have CPTSD. What helped in a way was pushing back every time he breached my boundaries. I got a restraining order. You could try for a non molestation order. It’s your son I’m worried about too. Is he receiving counselling? Would it be feasible to move from the area? Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Do you know the dynamics of an abuser. Learn about n**********c behaviour as my ex was very n**********c. Try you GP and google any local support groups. Keep posting. There are many similar stories on here. You’re not alone x

[skidaddling]

Hello,

I am new here and just want to say that it is so important to me to be part of this. I have struggled for years to find a voice to express what I have been through. It is not over and even tho I live separately now – still a message from him can send me into a frozen panic for days. I doubt my ability to say the right thing, that will come back I know – but for now I am just so grateful to hear other voices. Noslen I am so sorry to hear some of what you have been through. And Kip your words are so on the mark. We are not alone

[Noslen]

Hi both, Thank you for your reply. I have been advised to get a non molestation order but have now been told I am not able to as he has not been in contact for (detail removed by moderator) months, they said it has to be within a few days. I have tried to forget and move on. It unfortunately part of me still loves him and the thought of him with someone else hurts, it shows me that I meant nothing to him at all. Yes we are both having councelling and have considered moving away from the area but have no support and what little family I do have left have told me I need to get over it and let him carry on with his life. Bit after everything he has done to is and knowing that he has done it before I can’t see how he can just get away with everything and be able to be happy and move on like nothing was wrong with it. I feel so alone and wish I knew what to do. The police have told me he won’t be arrested and will get away with everything, any false allegations he makes against me will stand and I may get in to trouble for something I haven’t done x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Hi, I feel the same way, my family also keep telling me to get over it and move on, they never really believed me when I told them everything. I reported my Husband to the police and they also told me that there wasn’t enough evidence. They didn’t arrest him, but they interviewed both of us so they at least have that on record in case someone else reports him in the future. Everyone told me not to go to the police, and it took a while for me to make that decision, but it actually made me feel better knowing that I’d done everything I could even if it never went to court. I feel like if I hadn’t then I would have always wondered what would have happened if I’d reported it. It did upset me a lot though when the police said they weren’t going to take it any further so I suppose it depends on whether you think it’s worth the stress and upset or not. I also moved away from the area I was living in, and even though I don’t know anyone here and it gets lonely sometimes, it helps to know that he doesn’t know where I live and it’s unlikely that I’ll bump into him. I understand how it feels to be alone and to feel like you can’t move on even though everyone keeps telling you to, reading your post actually made me feel slightly less alone knowing that someone else feels the same way.

[KIP.]

I reported my ex and making that statement, knowing it will be on record means that if another victim comes forward, they can use your statement. Speak to a solicitor about his false accusations and the police keeping them on file. You could sue him in the civil courts. Moving on in the way he has just shows the lack of any depth of feelings. She will be treated exactly the same way as you, she may think she’s won first prize but she will soon discover its the booby prize and they always find a way of letting us know they’ve ‘moved on’. He’s the last person I’d want to know anything about me. Have a look at some recovering from n**********c abuse videos on YouTube. Google trauma bonding.

[lover of no contact]

Hi welcome to the Forum. There’s so much strength and experience on this Forum that you’ll start healing from the trauma of the abuse from now on. I find reading the posts daily keeps me strong and helps me deal with all the losses that are part and parcel of being in a relationship with an abuser.

There’s a collective strength in here. And as the saying goes together we will make it! With the Power of the group. It’s impossible to deal with an abuser and the aftermath in our own but with as much support as we can get we can do it.

Keep posting!

[Noslen]

Thank you all. I trying so hard but feeling so lonely and scared. Everyone keeps telling me I need to look after my mental health but that isn’t the problem, it’s that he is getting away with everything and can be happy, while we sit here scared. I tried to get a non molestation order but I have been told that I can’t now. And to make things worse my ptsd is worse today as it’s Halloween. I just wish I could hibernate until it would all go away and we could be happy.

[KIP.]

If you learn about abusers you will learn they can never really be happy. Not in the way we can be. They are hollow people. They get their happiness from destroying others to make themselves feel big. They are parasites. You know the truth about what happened and that’s what matters. You won’t always feel this way. The PTSD will subside with time and therapy. Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. While you can heal and become stronger. He will always be a shallow self serving person Whois never happy x

[Noslen]

Thank you. I hope I don’t feel this way forever, it’s like living in hell. No I’ve not heard of that but I will look it up. My councillor told me about an article called he bought me flowers (I think) he is too g to email it to me to read. I keep trying to take my mind off it all but nothing seems to work.

[KIP.]

It’s normal in the early days and weeks and months for your head to be filled with it all until your brain tries to process the abuse. It gets easier x

[Noslen]

I have tried to talk to people about it, to process and get support but I just get told they know how I feel, as though it is just about him leaving and not what I went through. That’s one reason why I decided to post on here, you all do know what it’s like.

[Author]

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