New here, feeling incredibly sad and confused

[forestwalker]

Hi,
I have been in a relationship with my partner now ex for only (detail removed by Moderator) months. In that short time i recognised that he had issues with alcohol dependency very quickly and within a month of starting a relationship he was verbally abusing me. I knew this from the outset, and could see the red flags as I work in (detail removed by Moderator), know all about healthy and destructive relationships, substance misuse and ACE’s and the impact of these on adults – however still I fell for him and allowed him to move in, thinking that due to my knowledge and profession I could help him…sadly I can’t.
I made a statement (detail removed by Moderator) to the police – and although most of the abuse was psychological and emotional – he did get to the point of raising his hand and threatening to hit me. He pushed me and pulled the covers off me, pulled me around, and told me how disgusting I am, whilst in the same breath telling me how much he loves me. My head is a mess, my heart aches.
On the advice of the police, I moved his stuff out of my house, and left my key in the door so he is unable to get in. And I a currently at my ex-husbands house in another part of the country as his is a safe house. I am missing the man who abused me and I feel incredibly sad. I am an empath and see beyond the behaviour and recognise the hurt and fear in all his actions, but I couldn’t help him, without putting myself at further risk. But I too have my own trauma, which is why I work in the field I do and the behaviour of my now ex- has resurfaced all my childhood trauma – and this has been amplified after receiving the claire’s law disclosure – which I knew would show him to be a serial perpetrator.
(detail removed by Moderator) I messaged him to inform him that I was ending the relationship and that I had packed all of his stuff and left it outside my house (he moved himself in (detail removed by Moderator) months ago). I blocked him from calling me and texting – however was able to pick up voicemail messages that he left – the 1st one was reasonable and made me question what I had done. the next 3 were left when he was drunk and that made me feel better (sadly!).
He has called me numerous times (detail removed by Moderator) – I stupidly answered the 1st call as it came from a private number and the police had previously contacted me this way – he told me that he loved me and wanted to check that I was ok. I informed him that I had also gone to the police – my heart is breaking.
I want to email him, I want to check that he is ok, I want to forgive him again and support him.
I am not sure what tomorrow will bring. I need to go back to my house and get the locks changed and what else…?

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. Have you heard of trauma bonding in domestic abuse. These men are very good at their mind games and manipulating us. It’s not your fault and the fact he’s done this before just makes him better at it. Please report all contact from him to the police. It’s important that you push back the boundaries and please don’t contact him. Change your phone number and the locks. You’re missing the good parts of your abuser, they’re great people pleasers and expert at hooking us in. Breaking free is like breaking a drug habit. It’s really painful in the beginning going cold turkey but with zero contact and time things become much clearer and that trauma bond gets broken. In the meantime be very kind to yourself. Have a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Abusers are liars and parasites but as human beings we crave what is normal to us, even if that normal is dysfunctional abuse. You can get over this. Just takes time and zero contact and keep reporting his contact and ask for bail conditions to keep him away from you. Contact is toxic and brings more pain and confusion so take some time away to let the FOG of abuse clear. The Fear Obligation and Guilt x he’s not your responsibility x

[forestwalker]

Thank you for your kind words Kip. I do feel incredibly guilty as in his words I am making him homeless – he lacks emotional intelligence and the ability to reflect at all on how his behaviour has caused this.
I am planning on returning home tomorrow to get my locks changed as he has a day off from work on (detail removed by Moderator) and need this done before he has a day to hassle me. I will also speak to the local DA service for further information and suggestions.
I have updated the police officer with the information about him contacting me, alongside agreeing to receive a personal alarm and door wedge alarm.
One day at a time…
PS – sadly yes I know all about trauma bonding 🙁

[Author]

Posts