16th October 2023 at 10:50 am #162393
I think because I’m here, I already know that what I’m going through is fundamentally wrong.
(detail removed by Moderator) years of his increasingly off behaviour and I’m totally cracked and frustrated that I didn’t notice sooner that he is not a good person.
Never physical with me, but aggressively shouts and needles at me if I dont give money. He has a drug habit, does not work at the moment and over the years I have supported him, and on the weekends his children, with the thought that “he will come right”. What an idiot. Now I am trying to take back control he is absolutely vile. I have a very well paid job monday to friday and now I also have a weekend and evening job because ive got myself in so much debt supporting him it is ridiculous.
He is in my house and I want him out. (detail removed by Moderator) he was so awful I have finally managed to ask him to leave. He was verbally just horrible although he did swipe the (detail removed by Moderator) of the sofa I was sitting on. That for me is the proper red flag now if I push it and continue to say no to getting cash out etc then where will it go.
I know Im a fool, my mum saw it straight away first time she met him. He has avoided my family consistently and they live along way away so I dont see them oftern. I am now making plans to sell up and move and be closer and I am lucky I have the option to do that. In the mean time I need him out. Im already stressed about this evening after work because it will start all over again. He wakes me in the night to go and get beers. If I say no he goes away and comes back later and keeps standing and asking because he know Ill crack because I have to sleep to be able to do my job. He has been in and out of work, not always his fault but he dosnt strike me as someone who is relentlessly chasing jobs all day – he’s asleep!! He dosnt care that I cant afford things, he just says (detail removed by Moderator)
I have told some close friends about it and I’ve been honest with his mum about his behaviour and she is mortified. His dad was an alcoholic and heavy drug user. I neither drink, smoke or take drugs but I understand peoples personal choices.
Not sure where I’m going with this other than does anyone have any experience on getting someone out who they know will be homeless as a result? Even though he is an absolute beast I hate the thought of him suffering. My putting him out isnt to make him suffer but to save myself so I can get on with my life. If I could just pack and go I would have done that months ago.
When I look back over our time together we have done absolutely nothing. No significant dinners out, no family trips, hes missed my birthdays or forgotten, no holidays. I’ve allowed myself to get mugged off and I feel foolish. Nothing to be done about that just now but just to look ahead for the future.
Thanks for reading, sorry its long!
17th October 2023 at 4:21 pm #162425LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for sharing what you’re going through with us.
It sounds like you have been extremely patient and compassionate towards your partner and it’s completely valid that you’ve come to a point where it’s time to prioritise your wellbeing and mental health. You are not a ‘fool’ as you say, but have had the unfortunate experience of falling into a relationship with an abusive addict, sadly this can happen to anyone.
It might be worth thinking about the option of an injunction to have him removed from the home. If he has a legal right to be there (is on the mortgage or tenancy), then you might want to apply for an Occupation Order. Alternatively you could apply for a Non-Molestation Order to keep him away from you and your home.
DV Assist could be a good service to speak to about this, they can offer free advice over the phone: https://www.dvassist.org.uk/
I’d also encourage you to connect with your local specialist domestic abuse service to talk in more detail and to access further advice and support with things. You can find your nearest service, here.
Take care and do keep posting to let us know how you are doing.
19th October 2023 at 8:58 am #162477
Thanks for the direction there Lisa, appreciate it 🙂
19th October 2023 at 10:54 pm #162504GlasshalfParticipant
Hi, i wrote a similar message a few months ago. It’s horrible isn’t it?
I didn’t want to take the legal route but my partner became agressive when he understood i wanted to break up, so please bear that in mind – you know him so think about how he might react and prepare for it (even if it is leaving for a few nights).
For me, it has taken months and it has been really hard but he understood now that i expect him out before a certain date.
So here’s my recommendation. Make a plan. Write down your short term goals and long term goals and then you can figure out how to achieve them. I included who i needed to inform, getting keys from friends, talking to my parents, speaking to a lawyer (we have kids), safety plan. I basically got myself ready.
And then i had to do the hard thing of saying that no, i didn’t want to try and work it out and go through that emotional roller-coaster. But this takes me one step closer to my goal.
I hope that helps.
It takes courage to do what you are doing. You are not foolish. Take some time to educate yourself a bit about abuse (i like podcasts). It helps you understand how it happens. It’s not your fault. And it happens to more people than you would think!
20th October 2023 at 4:04 pm #162528
Thank you 🙂
I have a bit of a plan, particularly around relocating. I also have a group of friends in a watsapp group who know and are ready to be there when I’m ready so I don’t raise the issue when it’s just the two of us there. I might try and organise my thinking more logically with a proper plan.
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