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    • #57955
      TallOne
      Participant

      Hi everyone, I’m new to the forum and I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to deal with everything now I’m the far side of an abusive relationship. I was with my boyfriend for a  short while when we decided to move to another country together.
      I was a confident bubbly outgoing person who became a version of myself that I HATED. I hated how weak I had become, how i couldn’t protect myself, how was i putting up with this, how i was hiding the bad things he was doing in order to protect him, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the sadness inside me every single day. It started with simple manipulation, which I didn’t recognise at 1st and then to the point that I was googling “is my boyfriend being manipulative” because I knew my some thing wasn’t right but I wasn’t sure if it was me just being crazy! (As he made me feel I was) I came across the phrase “gaslighting” … hit the nail on the head! The blatant lies, denying situations that HAD happened and making me feel like I was losing my mind, bullying, drug use and then physical violence. I had been pushed or shoved a few times, then he shoved me in to a mirror so hard that it smashed, shoved me to the ground with the palm of his to my face, pushed on to the metal frame of a bed, grabbed my my arms hard enough to leave instant bruises, but I accepted this because “He never hit me”… I feel so stupid even writing this now. The worst came when we were staying in a hotel one night and he smashed up the tv and grabbed me by the throat and pushed me on to the bed. He grabbed me so hard that I had instant bruising on my neck and a black eye, but I stayed and I covered it up and the physical and physiological abuse continued until he had broken me in to a version of myself who was so low, so alone. We were living in a different country and so my close friends and family did not know the extent of what was going on. I finally decided enough when I felt absolutely nothing towards him anymore, I had nothing left inside me and moved back home so I could break up with him and have people to support me, which thankfully they have. But I can’t shake the feeling of anger, embarrassment, frustration, I want him to know how badly this has effected me because I really don’t think he knows! I didn’t know how bad things really were until I spoke to a councillor and she confirmed that I was in an abusive relationship! I went to the councillor initially to confirm that I wasn’t over reacting or crazy! It’s been very hard to accept what has happened and i would love anybody’s advice on how to get rid of the anger I have inside and try to move on and not keep thinking about everything that has happened every single day!! Thanks x

    • #57956
      TallOne
      Participant

      Error above: Psychological abuse, apologies

    • #57960
      MsTaken
      Participant

      Hi tall one, well done for reaching out. And we’ll done for making your escape. What you went through was really traumatic so don’t blame yourself for what happened. Trying to tell an abuser what they have done to you is pointless because they won’t accept what they have done. My ex just said “I abused him”, “I’m a basket case” and “stop living in the past”, which hurt me even more. There’s no quick fix to getting back to your old self unfortunately. It’s like they completely change your personality. I’m having therapy and doing the freedom project at the minute and I still find some things really hard. If your struggling to understand why all this happened I recommend you try and get someone to refer you to the freedom project or find some books about abusers that will explain their behaviour to you. I’m not sure what the books are called but a few other posters know what they are sorry. Learning why they are like that will give you an insight in to why so many things went wrong and you’ll find that you’ll be able to relate to the story’s alot so you won’t feel so alone in your recovery. You probably find that you have some triggers that remind you of bad memories and that can upset you too. Try and talk these over with your counsellor if your still going. Building your life back up is hard but you will get there eventually. Try to remind yourself every day of all the good things you’ve got going on now. Be proud of yourself! Your a survivor and your in recovery. Your allowed to get upset about the past, this will get easier over time. Sorry I don’t have a quick fix X

    • #57978
      TallOne
      Participant

      Thanks for your reply MsTaken.
      I know it probaly won’t make a difference telling him how much it has effected me, but I feel like when we broke up he feels more sorry for himself because I broke up with him, rather than see all the reasons why it had to end. I didn’t even know how much it affected me until after it was over and it’s hurts and I want him to know how much it hurts and that I’ve had to deal with so much c**p I didn’t even realise I had going on! He had an abusive upbringing and I always blamed it on that, but it’s the hindsight now that kills me!.. HOW was I so naive! The freedom project sounds great! But I’m not living in the UK now, I’ll look in to resource near me. I just wish there was a day that went by that I didn’t think about it. Definetly have triggers I’ve noticed that a lot lately! Will speak to councillor about it thanks. Hope you are doing well

    • #57986
      Janedoeissad
      Participant

      My Ex’s ex used to email him occasionally, she would tell him how he ruined her life, that he was a bully, but he couldn’t see it. He would accept he might have “over reacted” in certain situations but he wouldn’t ever say that he was a bully. He would never admit that, and he made out she was just as bad. So I think MsTaken is right, its a pointless exercise. I wrote my Ex a letter when I left telling him why I was leaving. I didn’t call it abuse but I did tell him the things he did which I didn’t like. The threatening with violence, the swearing at me, throwing things. His answer? “I would never follow through on my threats”. He didn’t get it. So instead I wrote a scathing, horrible letter but never sent it, I poured my soul into a letter to him. Then burnt it, It helped me a lot to say what I wanted to say.

      There is no easy or fast way to recover. Just take it a day at a time.

    • #58147
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      I can relate hugely to this post having left my emotionally abusive husband (verbal, psychological, threatening and intimidating behaviour) a couple of months ago with our two very young children. His tactics for contact with me keep changing but he completely minimises everything and makes out I’ve broken up our family over nothing – well, a few arguments and he said some things he shouldn’t have said. But that I am the lowest of the low taking his children away and I should be ashamed of myself. He has me completely confused about what I’ve done and questioning myself every minute of every day. I have tried to explain to him how I simply couldn’t live in that environment anymore in spite of repeatedly asking him to stop – he says I have concocted a story after reading Google to justify my actions and that I planned it all along (I now live utterly heartbroken in a flat with our two children having resigned from my new job and given up our oldest sons school place I chose for him – not the actions of someone who planned anything). He simply doesn’t see it like I do and seems to think – as do his family – that I should have stayed. It’s horrendous the havoc it plays on your thoughts and currently I feel like I’ll be sad and questioning myself forever. He says I’ve forgotten all the good times and am selfish thinking only of myself. And yet I sit here and I go from day to day looking after our children in a distracted sad daze. But still he insists this was all down to me and I’ve got what I wanted. It’s crazy.

      xx

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