New here, in the cycle

[rainbow117]

relentless verbal assaults and depression triggered by not finding his favourite mug, rugby top or slipper boots….  tells me each day he’s leaving but he won’t ever go.  Silent treatment to us all even the toddler is frequent.

I have nowhere to go and not entirely willing to leave him in the house. In fear of him destroying my  things or not letting me return or make a sale impossible.  Although I am unlikely to afford to stay here which does break my heart.

My problem is we are in a cycle … he tells me he wants out but when i suggest taking things further, seeking advice, valuation etc he flips out blaming me for his life and this situation… this makes life at home so awful i can’t suggest it? but do i just wait for him to decide to make a move?

I really don’t want to remove my 3 kids out the family home but I notice now the children also walk on those egg shells around him and they are well aware of his demeanour it’s heartbreaking.

Can anyone advise? i consider arranging a valuation myself but then that would be deceitful?

[Maybe]

Hi, I am newish here too. I can see real similarities in what you have said and mine. Am sorry that you are going through it. It is a cycle you just go round and round. Its no life and no matter what you do will never be good enough. The one thing I would say though is it will never change I’ve waited and waited a life time. My teens have been through it, their behaviour (partner) gets worse and the problems they find just get pettier and the silent treatment gets longer and more often. I truly understand your heartbreak at seeing the way the kids are treated. All I would say is no matter what we do we tend to feel deceitful and guilty but you have to do what you need to do. I have felt terrible writing on here for example. Sorry this is probably not the best comment. I would say use the resources on here n speak to someone on the chat n get support that way. That’s my plan to take it day by day and to reach out to them when feel ready. Good luck, we all deserve to live in peace, feel safe as do our kids especially. Take care x

[rainbow117]

Thank you for your message and sorry to hear this is familiar to you also.  You are right I was the same about posting and took me ages to actually post on here- Even just being on the website feels a sad reality. But when things are bad I feel like I need to seek support.  It’s terrible to say it’s all down to finances and the need for a quiet life to not live in a state of anxiety and thinking ahead always to not trigger.

You sound as though you have been through it also but not in a place yet to move on?

friends tell me constantly to leave.. as if it’s so easy to turn my children’s lives upside down but I also question how much I will continue to tolerate or turn a blind eye.

thanks again

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ooh yeah that sparked some memories…what is it with the abuser and losing things!

When I lose something I just look for it quietly on my own. After a few days when I really can’t find it I might mention it to someone.
When my ex used to lose something ( and Yes that was a lot ) everyone knew about it. “I always put it here” was the favorite phrase, implying that it couldn’t possibly be his fault that it wasn’t there, someone else must have moved it.

Everyone else’s life was disrupted helping him look for the object, and this always, coincidentally happened at busy, inconvenient or stressful times for others. Just adding to the stress by about a million times.

Ah, a perfect example of these kinds of people. Incompetent, but blaming everyone else except themselves for that. Self obsessed and self important and expecting everyone else to put their lives on hold to pander to their needs, and last, but not least, a stress lover who enjoys creating chaos and conflict out of nothing and making sure they mess around with everyone else’s life in the meantime with their antagonistic approach.

Sorry, went off subject a bit there, couldn’t help it!

ps he tells you he wants out to manipulate and control you. He dosent. But you can take him at his word. You shouldn’t be expected to stay in a relationship with somebody who ‘wants out’. Take him at his word and go.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Just re-read your post, sorry missed the crucial bits as I got so carried away with the whole losing things but.

i agree with Maybe about the thought that probably nothing will change unless you force change.

He’s using this to manipulate and control you and probably he doesn’t want anything to change.

If you are married you could go to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings, that would be perfectly acceptable as he’s told you very clearly that he’s unhappy in the relationship and wants  to leave it, and blames you for all the problems in his life, therefore you can only conclude that the kind and loving thing to do for his sake and yours is to go ahead and separate.

Do be prepared for a backlash here though as he will change his mind very quickly probably and start trying to win you back. You’ll have to be very strong to resist that pressure.

if you’re not married but share a mortgage you can take the same approach, but, yes, you will have to get a valuation and push the house sale through against him possibly pushing against you.

Hope some other ladies will add their experiences about how that might work.

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