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I’m new here, this is my first post. I am really struggling with whether my situation is really abusive or not, I have lived with it for so many years it’s just normal for me. He doesn’t hit me, he never has, nor has he ever threatened to. He has told the kids he feels like hitting them, and one time he said he was going to punch one of them in a minute which I told him off for. He has toned down his language a little bit recently after a major incident with them when I wasn’t there and they ended up going to a friends house for a few hours. What he doesn’t yet know is that they reported the incident to school and there’s now a social worker investigating. I have done a risk assessment with the local domestic abuse line and actually what the kids don’t know is that a week before they talked to their school, I went to the doctor with internal pain from him and the doctor made a report to social services too.
He’s not always mean, he likes to take me away on romantic holidays, just us, no kids. He wants to spend every spare moment with me it seems, he takes up a new hobby and he wants me to do it too. I find it smothering. I do have my own friends, but he seems to make it difficult to see them, I end up feeling guilty that I’ve spent too long there, or neglected something, but I never stop him seeing his friends, in fact I encourage him to get out!
I often don’t feel like having sex, and he doesn’t take no for an answer. If I leave the room he wouldn’t follow me, and he never pins me down or anything like that. It tends to be more subtle coercion. He asks, I say no, he then keeps asking, complaining that he never gets any, pesters me until I stop saying no, then has sex with me. Sometimes he can get me aroused, sometimes not. On a few occasions in the last couple of months, after I’d had a few drinks (not drunk, I remember everything) he has done things I didn’t agree to, I wasn’t asked if it was ok before/during/after. One time he reached a hand up around my throat while I was on top, it made me go a bit dizzy. I have since talked to him and said I don’t want him to ever do that again. He has put his hand at the top of my chest since but not touched my throat. More details about the other incidents at the end, might be triggering.
He has used unkind language for years, recently he told me that he likes anal because my body is too “loose” since having children, even though it’s years since I last had a baby. I found that really hurtful.
We have sex on average every other day, and he will ask several times in between, yet he thinks he’s not getting enough, or I’m not enthusiastic enough. If I say no he sulks, whinges, pesters me, until I leave the room or give in. If I leave the room the sulking ramps up majorly and everyone in the house suffers from his mood, so it’s easier to give in. I’m told this is sexual assault by coercion.
He puts pressure on me not to spend too long with friends, not to be “late” as defined by him. He had a very volatile relationship with one of our children, even kicked a hole in her bedroom door one time. He has now started similar stuff with another of our children and I feel like I know where it’s going to end up. I don’t want to see history repeat itself.
The rest of this might be triggering so please be careful.
One time when we were having consensual sex, he used a mini vibrator inside me, then had sex with me while it was still in there. I had no pain at the time, but bled straight away which carried on for 2 days. The next day the pain was bad enough I needed pain killers. I didn’t seek medical attention.
Another time, again it started out with me being completely happy to have sex, he used a big 8″ vibrator inside me, then without asking if it was okay, he penetrated me anally while using his bodyweight to ram the vibrator inside me repeatedly, so I was getting it in both places. I wasn’t comfortable but didn’t stop him or say no. It didn’t hurt at the time, but the next day the pain came on and 36 hours afterwards I had a moment of bravery and went to the doctor. She said I had bruising on my cervix, a small tear, and external bruising. I blurted out that he’s been having sex with me when I don’t want it for years and also mentioned his threats to punch the kids and she made a report to social services. She also commented that my cervix isn’t torn anymore (so has been before) and asked about previous incidents and whether I’ve had bleeding.
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This is definitely sexual abuse. Neither hurting you during sex nor pressuring you until you agree to sex are normal or acceptable parts of a healthy sex life. Although he is mostly clever enough to get your consent before sex, he knows that you don’t really want it and therefore there isn’t really much of a difference between what he does to you and just straight up raping you. And putting a vibrator in you without consent, or otherwise engaging in sexual actions without asking is straight up unquestionable rape. It sounds as though there has also been escalation in this behaviour recently which is worrying.
He is obviously verbally abusive both to your children and yourself – making threats to the children and making hurtful comments about your body are both clear examples of verbal abuse.
Kicking doors and grabbing your throat would both count as acts of physical abuse.
And sulking and setting limits on when you can see your friends are both examples of emotional abuse.
Even his romantic actions, taking you on holiday alone and wanting to spend all his time with you are pretty typical of abusers – have a look at the cycle of abuse and see if you recognise ‘love bombing’. It’s the hook that keeps a lot of women trapped in abusive relationships.
I know this is hard to get your head around. This is partly because of the love bombing – I kept asking myself how my lovely kind sensitive partner could do such awful unkind things. And in my case, and by the sound of it yours too, a lot of the coercive behaviour seemed very ‘normal’. People shout. People silk. People enjoy spending quality time with their partners. It’s only when you look at the whole picture that you realise that it is built up to control your behaviour. You just don’t expect people to be that manipulative. My mind was completely blown when I realised.
I hope that you and your children can get away from him. Good luck, Tiffany.
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Thank you Tiffany. I have questioned his behaviour many times but have never before talked about it to anyone. He has been pressuring me for years to go to a sex therapist to find out how to fix my low sex drive. I was abused as a child so he’s always said it’s my fault that sex between us isn’t good. I finally gave in and agreed to go to a sex therapist this year and after a handful of sessions together, she offered to work with me on my own on the past abuse. Over a period of a few months I found we were talking more and more about what was going on with my husband, not about the past at all. I’m now sensing that perhaps she saw that this was potentially an abuse situation at the outset, and has been gently opening my eyes all this time. The turning point was when she asked me to talk to him about respecting when I’ve said no, and letting no mean no, without any consequences. He managed it for a couple of weeks, when I had a period of high desire, but when I went off the boil, he completely went back to normal. There has been a third time when he used a vibrator in me without consent too, and that time I wasn’t drunk, but he didn’t hurt me. I was worried the whole time. It’s been suggested that I report this stuff to the police but given the fact I usually consented to sexual activity, I feel it’s too much of a grey area, and if it ever went to court I’d have to testify and I can’t do that. I don’t trust that if I report it and don’t want them to act, they wouldn’t anyway, knowing me I’d manage to say the one thing that will trigger them acting anyway.
I’m on a waiting list to be allocated a domestic abuse support worker so I’m hoping that won’t take too long and will help me to work towards freedom. I know I need it, but it’s surprisingly hard to do it for myself. I know the kids need it though, and his attitude towards them hasn’t improved over time, so if I can’t do it for me, I will try my utmost to do it for them.
The big difference that might get me through this time is I’m talking about it. I’m struggling to accept the word abuse, but that’s okay, I’m reading a lot about it and the more I talk and read the more the idea is settling in my head as the truth. I think I’m in for a really hard year but I was writing Christmas cards recently and I’m really hoping that next year, his name won’t be in them. That’s something to aim for I think. I hope I can do this. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, how it works, how long things take, it’s all very daunting.
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Honestly, this shouldn’t be a grey area. Your husband is raping you. I wish that we lived in a world where the police and society at large would believe that, but unfortunately we don’t, so I can completely understand why you don’t want to report it. I can completely understand your difficulty in accepting it though. I was adamant that my ex had never sexually abused me because I had always said yes to sex. And he never raped me. But he did something that I recently learned is called ‘stealthing’ where I would agree to sex on the condition that he wore a condom and then he would remove it part way through sex. I was off hormonal contraception as it had been making me unwell and was absolutely not in a position to cope with having a child. So I ended up having to take emergency contraception. That seemed at the time like a grey area, but in hindsight it is actually a horrific breach of trust and pretty d**n close to rape. I have no hope that the police would see it like that though, so I haven’t reported it.
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Just wanted to say hi. Yes what he is doing is abusive. Would you ever insert a vibrator into him without consent or do the things he does to you knowing he doesn’t want to? I found the rape crisis helpline really supportive and helped to claify things for me. I reported all his sexual behaviour because if he’s done it to another woman, even if it’s consensual, it establishes corroboration. Google cycle of abuse. It’s a shame he’s abusing his children too. If you cant leave for your own sake then keep telling yourself that they deserve better x don’t allow him to continue to damage them. All the help is there for you. Grab it x
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Hi there, just wanted to say sorry for what you’re going through. It definitely is abuse, my daughters father used to be a lot like this, he would sulk, whinge, nag ot even get angry if I didn’t give him sex when he wanted it. He even said to me once that if I did not have sex with him he would not let me have any of his wages and he would keep them all for himself and spend it on whatever he wanted (obviously putting financial strain on our family) I hope you get the help you need, don’t doubt yourself x*x
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So sorry to hear you are going through this, it sounds horrific. Yes it is definitely abuse, he sounds like my ex who also did the hand round the neck in bed thing without us discussing it beforehand and also the way he is using a lot of subtle coercion. Like the others have said, all abusers are ‘nice’ part of the time, it’s what keeps us hooked. Look up the Cycle of Abuse, Love Bombing and adult grooming too, as well as Coercive Control. Look up Pat Craven’s Living with the Dominator resources and book as they describe the different forms of abuse really well. It becomes so normal and the abuser denies/minimes/lies/sulks/guilt trips etc so we blame ourselves and fail to see the seriousness of it until it escalates. Keep posting and ring the helpline, they can help you talk it through and talk through options of next steps.
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So sad to hear what you are having to live with, the thing is the way they do it is like you are giving your consent in there mind as your not saying no ( as they haven’t asked )and would u dare say no, so as far as there concerned it’s yes, my partner n I only have sex when I’m sleeping he wakes me by touching me, and I don’t say no, but it feels so unreal like I’m disconnected from what’s going on, u definitely don’t deserve to be treated that way, you do because u have to not because u want to and that is rape, I hope you get the help you are needing, for you and your children, good luck big hugs
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Your post is heartbreaking to read. That you were an abused child stands out to me. It sounds like you haven’t been able to develop healthy boundaries around sex and as a result are being regularly sexually assaulted.
It must be so incredibly painful to think about and talk about what is happening to you, which explains why you are hanging onto those times when he ‘not being mean’. You are so clear though that he is abusive, that he does not respect you, that you are being treated like an object that he can use. The descriptions of his rapes and assaults on you are, truly horrifying. I am so sorry. There is no doubt that you are being sexually assaulted.
Your description of a period when he respected your ability to say ‘no’ didn’t feel right me either. It occurred during a period of your ‘high desire’, so it sounds like rather than saying no, you were giving him more sex so that he never asked for it! – if that makes sense.
It is reassuring to hear that you are waiting for a domestic abuse support worker to be allocated and that you are looking forward to getting away from him.
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Thank you for your replies.
I found a text on his phone from a few weeks ago that seems to suggest he’s been meeting with a sex worker. I’ve showed it to a few trusted friends and nobody can see what else it could mean. That changes things. He doesn’t know I found it, I took a photo of it with my phone. His web history includes lots of porn, sex toys, and more recently local escorts, but I thought that was just curiosity.
I’ve made an appointment with my gp in the new year to discuss sexual health screening. I know there are clinics but I want to talk to her first, I saw her after the time he left me in pain. I’ve never been to a GU clinic before.
Someone picked up that I was abused myself as a child, yes, I was, I was molested for many years. It hasn’t helped with boundaries at all. I also believe my father coerced my mother into sex for years.
Finding that text has really changed my view on things. I’m even reconsidering reporting to the police, which I never thought I would do. But it might help me get him out of the house, so me and the kids can stay.
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Please don’t worry about the GU clinic. They are really, really good and if you are able to tell them that you have been sexually abused they will be extra careful to protect and support you.
It could help a lot if you are able to speak to the police about what is happening. Many years ago it was pursuing a conviction against my ex husband for physical assault that meant that I stayed in the family home with my small child.
Another area to look at is to contact one of the organisations that work with survivors of child sexual abuse or one that works with adult survivors too. I am sure that the Women’s Aid website and/or phoneline can give you their details, but they will also be on the internet.
I am really glad that you are posting here and starting to think about a future without abuse.
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I’m not on here very much these days…lovely going on and duvet four kids. But your post massively struck a cord. My ex did and said similar things. Just was truck by the be nice/ be abusive cycle you are describing. The ex started out just doing things I was very uncomfortable with…tying me up. Holding me.sown on him to long etc. But he got worse. I got away and he found me and brutally raped me. He’s in prison at the moment but he won’t be forever and police are helping us disappear like you I accepted those eemingly small things because he could be so nice. But sometimes he did the most brutal.things and then was nice after. Please please believe me. It is abuse. I didn’t think it was either not at all. In my mind he provided, he loved his kids…until the day he took an extension cable and beat me so hard I still have scars. But more important the way he treats you sexually is not right. I have no experience of any other man. I married as a teenager and that’s it…but I believe that there must be relationships based on love and respect. He beat down with things ghats he said too. He used to tell me my mouth was mall to satisfy his needs. I hope you can start to see him for what he is. It took me along time to do that
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So sorry to hear this. Definitely abuse, like the others have said.
In my experience it is hard to recognise and accept what is abuse when it comes to sex. Especially if you’ve previously been happy to do similar things, e.g. vibrators, tying up, hand on your throat. People can do those things happily in a mutually respectful relationship. Or you may find yourself pressurised.
Keep visiting this forum every time you’re in doubt. The reason I logged in today is I was thinking “was it really abuse or am I just being dramatic”, and reading some of these posts has clarified everything in my mind again. Another tip is to google “consent tea”, there is a youtube video which reminds us what consent means. (Just if you’ve made a cup of tea, you can’t make the other person drink it).
If you find yourself doing things against your will, either because you don’t feel able to refuse, or because refusing makes no difference, that’s abuse. End of. Whether there’s physical pain at the time is irrelevant.
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