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    • #70772
      Judith
      Participant

      Hi
      I left my husband (detail removed by moderator) (I believe he was emotionally abusive although I can’t prove it). At the time we split our kids were (detail removed by moderator) yrs old. We initally agreed access where he would have the kids overnight (24hrs) on a weekend, one weekday evening (detail removed by moderator).
      After 6months or so he began bombarding me with emails (over 80 in two days, even phoning me to respond when I didnt reply quickly enough) saying he had seen (detail removed by moderator) solicitors about access and he can get better than he has etc (detail removed by moderator) I have recently proposed summer start dates for every other weekend as agreed and he has now really started kicking off with me again over it. I told him i’d had enough of his lying and causing rows and to just see a solicitor if he wasn’t happy. (Detail removed by moderator).
      Anyway now I think he has seen a solicitor to take me to court (something he often threatens) – I know I will have to mediate with him which I really don’t want to do but I can’t prove he was abusive as I never sought help and just got on with it. He is a (removed by moderator) and can really turn on the charm when he wants and has a way of twisting everything and playing the victim. I’m really worried that if we go to court he could win significant custody of my babies. As it is I’m already trying to protect them as much as I can from his influence while trying to maintain their relationship (if that makes any sense) – I just feel like he’s only doing this as a total power play cause he needs to ‘Win’ – I have tried to be reasonable, I give him extra time with the kids when he asks for it and have even invited him into my home at xmas so he can spend it with the kids (although he was unbearable so i wont do it again). What if a court doesn’t see through him? I’m so worried I just don’t know what to do.
      I’m so sorry for the essay (this is as brief as i could manage) and I know other people have had much bigger and more significant problems than this but I was hoping someone may have been through the same with custody and (removed by moderator) who may be able to advise me in some way.
      If you’ve made it this far I thank you for reading x

    • #70776
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Hi There,

      So ive had this experience of child contact/court and dealing with a (removed by moderator) father! i can say it was exhausting!

      so your children are very young so this is abit more difficult than my situation, my child was (detail removed by moderator) the first time we went through custody issues. Her voice wasnt accepted on this occasion a few years down the line the courts listened. When you go to court they disregard the fact that YOU may have been emotionally/verbally/physically abused. Its still worth making sure they know the back ground of the case is dv. What they need to know is have the kids witnessed any abuse and has he emotionally abused them in any way infront of you or anyone else. If this is the case journal it with dates, if people can back you up get them to write statements. Ask the GP to write a letter explaining the effect this is having on everyone. Young kids may not be able to sleep at night, they may bed wet there are lots of ways this shows itself because they do pick up on the under current. People often under estimate emotional abuse but its just as bad as physical abuse in the long term. So for the courts any abuse in front of the kids is classed as child abuse now.

      As far as offering contact, it is in his favour that your able to spend time with him in your own home. Him looking to disrupt your children’s routine shows that hes only thinking about his needs not theres. The courts are looking for good quality happy contact that suites the kids. If you are able to prove theres abuse he will get less. The norm is 2 overnights every other weekend and then holiday time at your discretion. In a non abusive co parent situation 50/50 works but definitely dosent work with a (removed by moderator). Neither does mediation as they use all their tactics in this situation to their advantage.
      It might be worth reading about how (removed by moderator) destroy family bonds especially mother /child bonds. In time if the kids are becoming affected by his behaviour your still being more than reasonable offering supervised contact. To be honest i think you are already being very diplomatic and totally reasonable this will go in your favour as they often try to use parental alienation against the mother. id get all your ducks in a row for court start preparing because you can prove emotional abuse xx where theres a will there always away x*x hope this helps diy mum x

    • #70777
      diymum@1
      Participant

      I should say the courts review the situation every few months so if abuse is proven i would think that he would probably not get any overnights. If the situation deteriorated they would claw it back and vice versa xx If the climate between you changes as often theres abit of inevitable mud slinging a contact centre for handover can be the best option all round xx

    • #70780
      Judith
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your reply.
      Unfortunately I don’t know how I could ever prove there was abuse, I know what he was like and what he did but I can’t prove it and I’m sure you understand that if I ever mention anything I’m ‘over exaggerating’ or he was ‘only joking’ etc etc – I don’t know how I would ever prove other wise.
      As the kids are so small they don’t really understand whats going on and view everything as ‘the norm’ – one of the major incentives for me leaving – but as I’m not always there for contact I don’t know what effect he is having on them. I’m worried that he will either be mentally abusive to them or they will grow up like him as they will think it’s ok (my ex’s father is an abuser and his mother is a true victim but none of their family see it).
      I know I won’t be able to stop contact all together but I don’t know how to protect the kids and I don’t know how I can prove abuse either to me or the kids
      As you said it’s exhausting. and it’s never going to matter what he has it’ll never be enough. I really really am trying to be fair as best I can but I can’t ever see an end to it as he’s such a ‘victim’ always wanting more and playing games.
      I will do a lot more research on this thank you, i’m just so worried they won’t see through him.
      I hope things are well for you now. Thanks again

    • #70783
      diymum@1
      Participant

      It all worked out in the end. Its maybe going to be a bit of a long haul but youll make progress reading about this. Try to think if anyone is around that can back you up at all. Youll be surprised who picks up on this. Time will give you the evidence you need. as long as the kids dont have to go through too much thats the hard part, We would rather it was us rather than them xx

    • #70786
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there, I just want to add that you don’t have to prove anything. Since 2015, it is now against the law to verbally abuse, psychologically abuse or manipulate partners. When they do things that make us crazy, this is classed as crazy making and also comes with a jail sentence of up to 5years.
      You’ll get out of this maze, keep posting and reading others posts. WA can help you to, even if it’s just someone else to talk to, they have a whole arsenal of people and groups to help them too.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #70787
      Judith
      Participant

      Thank you both x*x

    • #70802

      I have been through this process and this is what I would say:

      1. Be aware (if you are not already) that what he is doing is designed to scare you. That is what it is, scare tactics. To make you afraid of things that may never happen, or haven’t happened yet.

      2. Whilst I appreciate the law oon emotional abuse, it is very difficult to prove. My experience was that I couldn’t – and wasn’t in a position to – anyway – given all the other things I had to deal with setting up a new life with my babes. The fact that I had gone to refuge wasn’t taken into account at all. I have heard many other women say the same.
      I don’t wish to say it is impossible to prove, but not necessarily a priority for you right now, given you will want to focus all your efforts on making a new life, and upholding your boundaries.

      4. I spent a long time feeling afraid of going to court. So what I did was the following. To prepare I went to see a counsellor – and together we prepared and identified my own needs and that of my chld. It was helpful because by the time I got to court I was able to represent these clearly and the judge thanked me for making sensible suggestions about contact.

      Others may disagree with these things, but hope we can respect differences of opinion
      all best
      ftc
      x

    • #70805
      Nannycuddle
      Participant

      Hello Judith 🌺 I can’t add anything useful to the excellent advice you’ve received here but just wanted to acknowledge your message to say that I’m thinking of you. You will never be far from help with this amazing community of women x

      I’m interested to find out more about journals and are these ever accepted as evidence by the Courts? Counter arguments would be fabricated evidence? Has anyone ever used historical journals to strengthen their case? Thank you in advance 🌺

    • #70806
      diymum@1
      Participant

      In my experience I was advised to keep a journal. It can certainly be used especially when you can also prove the dates that these events took place. Inevitably when they see the dates matching up ie to police reports phone calls they can see the proven truth. I think its important to note that emotional abuse is often also intertwined with verbal abuse and threats. Coercive control is taken very seriously. Court proceedings are often used to retraumatise and coerce once again. Intimidation comes into play but the tricky part is the officials are drawn in. xx This certainly shouldn’t be and hopefully things will change. I do believe slowly they are xx diy

    • #70807
      Nannycuddle
      Participant

      😘 Thank You diymum 🌺

    • #70811
      Judith
      Participant

      Thank you all. Some very helpful advice and lovely support.
      It really is a very tricky situation and I don’t think I could prove the abuse, although I communicate with my ex via email I think it would just be viewed as bickering and I’m worried that when I have called my ex out on stuff (via email) as abuse or game playing etc, courts/solicitors etc would dismiss it as ‘normal’ as my ex does, and try to show me as being ‘oversensitive’ or ‘manipulating’ or ‘exaggerating’ etc.
      He does use the threat of court often as he knows I would struggle financially and he may be granted more access than I am happy with and I feel like the threat looms over me. So I kind of feel that court would at least draw a line under the access issue and I can move on with my life and have less contact with my ex – but then theres the fear – what if they don’t see him? what if he gets 50/50 custody and they take my babies?
      Its exhausing.
      Thank you all again. I guess I just need to see what he does next and prepare my self in the meantime x

    • #70819
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Judith,

      Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a helpful place to be.

      I just wanted to make you aware of an excellent organisation called The Rights of Women, in case you don’t know of them. They have a Family Law Guide on their website and a Family Law Advice Line on 020 7251 6577. They can be difficult to get through to on the phone, but are worth it for free legal advice from female advisers who understand the complexities of domestic abuse and child contact.

      Kind Regards,

      Lisa

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