New here – losing hope

[Winter2022]

After 5 months of reading people’s stories I have finally come to make my first post.
I am really struggling to cope as I don’t know know where or what to do to leave my current partner. I am been with him for (detail removed by Moderator) years and moved overseas with him so have limited friend or family support. I know I have been living in an abusive relationship for so long and have never told anyone. At the start of this year, I really tried to start the process of leaving him and I really want to leave but I don’t know how. I know many people talk about seeking support and resources to try leave but in the end it’s me who has to leave him, no one else can do that for me and I feel so stuck. My mind and emotions are so stupid and attached to him, I just can’t let go even know it’s the right thing to do. Of course we make up and then I think things are back to normal until it happens again. It has happened so many times now, I am used to the put downs, name calling and hurt it causes me. Why can’t I just leave as I know how miserable I am? It hurts so much sometimes.

[Bananaboat]

Don’t beat yourself up, there’s a reason why it’s this hard! Have you read about cognitive dissonance, the cycle of abuse or trauma bonding? If not please do. I can’t recommend researching living with abuse highly enough as it really helps to understand what you’re experiencing and then how to regain control of your life. Good luck

[gettingtired]

Hello, please don’t punish yourself, we all know how hard it is. I’m actually in a similar situation to you right now too. I’ve been on the forum for longer too but I still can’t quite make that final step of leaving. A lot of people on here say it’s about taking baby steps and remembering that knowledge is power. You’ve already realised the situation you’re in is abusive, some people may never even get to that point so you have to give yourself some credit.
Everyone’s journey is different but it’s really not as easy as just upping and leaving (although as you said you know leaving is the right thing to do).
I’m not sure if you’ve read any of the book recommendations on here but a great one is ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft. It’s important to understand the dynamics of abuse but also important to remember that it’s his problem and his behaviour which can’t be changed and he’s not your responsibility. For me finding ways to build myself up to believe in the possibility of a happy life away from him is important too. You/we don’t deserve to live this way xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey dont beat yourself up Ive been married over 2 decades and am still with him. No where near ready to think about leaving.
Read read all you can so you understand the signs you understand how he makes you feel and what he does. Understanding is the key.
Then work on you. Build yourself up these men knock us down so low that we forget who we are and what we are capable of. Remember who you are find that woman deep within, work on your confidence your self esteme, plan make plans to get away write it down if its safe to do so this makes your plans seem more firm more real.
Gather a support network you cant do this alone.
Once you have done this maybe then you will feel more ready to leave.
Baby steps in your own time. Xxxx

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