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    • #116464

      Hi to whoever reads this, would like to know what people think of my situation, still finding it hard to accept that I’ve been in an abusive relationship, even though I should be well equipped to know what one is by now. So I grew up in domestic violence, had 2 abusive alcoholic parents, who abused each other and us kids, saw some awful things, still traumatised to this day, was taken into foster care by the courts at (detail removed by Moderator), left care with no clue about the world, only that it was something to be feared and that I wanted find someone who would love me and take all my pain away. How vulnerable I was. I’d had a baby before my (detail removed by Moderator) birthday, the dad was no longer around, at (detail removed by Moderator) I had a boyfriend who was physically violent towards me, he went to prison for a string of offences against me, I was only with him for (detail removed by Moderator) months, I jumped from one disaster to the next, straight after that I met the man I would go on to marry, and 2 more kids later, I was completely stuck, had nothing but the clothes on my back, he was horrible to me, broke my self esteem and treated me like a maid, only I never got paid for all the work I did. No bruises from that relationship, but the mental scars were worse I think. Either that or it just gets harder to deal with as the years go on. I’m
      now just coming out of relationship number (detail removed by Moderator), although I’m not sure I want to be out of it. Still love him deeply, have the heaviest heart trying to admit to myself that it’s been wrong, again. I have a young baby now too. Can’t blame it on being young and naive anymore, really starting to think it must be me! How could this much bad luck happen to one person!? So will try to put this part in a nutshell, met current partner, fell for his overwhelming charm and loving attentiveness. But he came with problems. Like the good codependent I am I cleared £(detail removed by Moderator) plus debt of his (with money (detail removed by Moderator) from end of previous marriage, (detail removed by Moderator)) supported him financially, he moved into my house, brought 2 children with him for (detail removed by Moderator) access, I supported them too, paid money to their mum
      On his behalf for maintenance, and it didn’t end there, he told me he had crippling anxiety that left him practically reclusive, he never left the house with me, or joined in in family activities, with my children or even his own. He would go out by himself occasionally, on his own terms, and I’d learned from previous relationships to not question him, I didn’t want to seem controlling, I wanted him to think he was free to do what he wished. But he never made any effort for me. He was keen for us to have a child of our own together, as was I. After (detail removed by Moderator) together I fell pregnant but lost the baby, the circumstances were complex and I ended up having about (detail removed by Moderator) hospital visits before I was told the baby was definitely dead and I needed an op to remove it from my body. He never once made it to the hospital, I was crying, distraught, begging and pleading with him to come with me, even take me there in the car, but he always said he couldn’t, because of his potential panic attacks, and that I should understand and support him. I tried my hardest to, but it hurt so much knowing he couldn’t put me first. Fast forward a bit and I was pregnant again, with complications, needed a lot of extra medical care and transferring out of area for scans/tests etc. He still wasn’t there. By now I had become fed up, I started to put my foot down, he did odd jobs here and there but he never contributed to the household financially, or any other way for that matter, he was just someone who lived in my house who I had to feed and clothe and have sex with. We did always have a good sex life, although I struggled to find affection for him at times because the let downs had begun to grate on me. Not to mention what was expected of me. And if I said no, to his asking of money or loans or whatever he wanted to do, he started to turn nasty. Starts off with words, and soon he can lose his temper real bad, smashes a few things up round the house from time to time, slamming doors breaking things, and his words were abusive. It was real personal nasty stuff. My mental health was suffering, I was struggling to hold it all together. He moved out, said it would be different, came back nothing had changed, (detail removed by Moderator) I cut contact with his kids, said I was no longer going to support them and look after them on top of what I already had on my plate (3 small kids of my own, 1 a baby and 1 autistic), since then I’ve had all the abuse, because of me he can’t see his kids (not the case, I just won’t look after them in my house or take them out with my own kids, but he can) he doesn’t take responsibility for himself. He thinks if I can’t be there to help him look after them, he won’t see them at all. (detail removed by Moderator) ago now he left the house for good, his own choice, said it was to make things better, but he left me up s**t creek without a paddle, I had our small baby to care for by myself as well as my other kids, he offered no financial support whatsoever. Came back when he felt like it, when he was bored probably. Never looked after our son. Anyone things grated on me that bit more and we were arguing, he still couldn’t see what my problem was, in his eyes he had no choice but to leave because I wasn’t going to support him financially in my house anymore, or condone his selfish behaviour. So we had a family weekend away planned for (detail removed by Moderator), my older kids were so excited, and (detail removed by Moderator) we were due to leave he announced he wasn’t coming, it wasn’t unusual for him not to be there because he never did join us, but my older kids were so gutted he was missing (detail removed by Moderator), how can I explain that to them? How can that be ok? Anyway we made the best of it and went, had a lovely time and as he wished, I phoned him when I was there to say I supported his choice and would look forward to ‘things getting better in the future’. He was there when we returned home and (detail removed by Moderator) we got back he walked out, told me it was over, shouting and swearing and left. I was pretty shocked but had become used to his unpredictability. I was actually completely broken. But I’d had enough. Something inside me said no more, no more running after him. I got a lot of threats via text and email about taking my son away etc etc. And after no contact for (detail removed by Moderator) he came back, full of apologies and promises of change, I had been going to counselling that was supposed to be for both of us but he quit after (detail removed by Moderator) sessions so I continued myself. It’s been a godsend. Problem is I still have a hard time believing my situation is abuse. I actually googled what is an abusive relationship the other day and found some list from women’s aid, mine scored 9 out of 18 points. He’s gone again now, partly his choice partly mine, he gave me another ultimatum and I said I’m not going to be backed into corners by you anymore, my counsellor is working hard with me trying to get me to see the importance of boundaries. So I said no and he threatened to leave again, I said go then. So he did. And I’m the one left here wondering should I have tried harder with him? Why do I love this person who is just so self involved and self serving? But he made me feel special at times, he knew all the things that happened to me, and promised to love me inspite of all that, and to never put me through my worst fears, but he has, time and time again. And he can’t accept that it stops me from getting better myself. He thinks the answer to our happy ever after is for me to ‘work on my own issues’ I have no guidance or role models at all. All I know is that I want to be treated with respect. And I want to be loved.

    • #116465

      Wow he is an absolute piece of work. He’s definitely abusing you. He doesn’t deserve all your time and effort and even though you’ve tried to help him with his kids he is taking advantage of you and your history. He knows that you have no frame of reference for what a good relationship is so he works on that to abuse you more. His kids ate his problem it’s his fault, not yours, he doesn’t see them and considering your history you should be so proud of yourself for recognising what he is. Cut ties with him. Let him leave. You and your kids are better off without him. He sounds like a complete (detail removed by Moderator).
      Not going to the hospital with you when you’re going through the trauma of losing his baby….my ex made me walk the hospital once with a serious injury and I honestly thought , at the time he was right. He’s suckingbthe life out of you. Don’t let him. You deserve so much more lovely one x

    • #116483

      Hi freedom, thank you so much for your reply, it’s nice to know someone hears me. I feel so humiliated by my experiences, especially this one because I’m older now and feel like I thought I’d learned from my past. Feel silly for putting myself in the situations that I have. I loved him so much, still do, and I believed him when he said he loved me too and wanted the best for me. He can be very charming. He used to say to me things like, he didn’t love you, but I do, I’m reference to my ex. And I had all those promises of a happy ever after, he said we would get married and we were planning a second baby together. It was what I always wanted. I so wanted to be in a relationship with my baby’s father and to be a proper family. That’s why I did all the things to help him, even though it put me at risk financially. I cleared all his debts and helped him (detail removed by moderator), with him telling me it would be the start of our new life together. I find it hard to realise that someone would want to bring a child into the world if you weren’t in it for the long haul. He always said he was 100% committed to me. That’s what made me think he is serious, I can trust him. But he was always in the depths of depression, I felt sorry for him, wanted to help. I did everything and anything. But once I started to feel taken advantage of, I tried to say no, and I saw a different side to him. He would lose his temper so badly, smashing things in my house up, and I’ve worked really hard for what I’ve got in my life. He said I’ve never made him feel like my home is his home, but I bought my house and I’ve paid to keep it over mine and my kids heads, it’s our safety, our security. He had no respect for the house. And I could see that in his behaviour. I thought I’ve shared everything with you, but you just want to take from me. Recently he started working for the first time in our relationship, he had a regular income. But he never wanted to give back. Never appreciated all that I have gone without to help him. He persuaded me to take out loans and credit cards to pay for things on his behalf, always telling me he would help to pay it back, but there was always a reason why he couldn’t. I felt like he tried to open up to me in the beginning, about his problems, he had a gambling addiction in the past, and told me he had got help for it, but I never could understand where all the money went, he spent so much so quickly and there was never anything to show for it. But I thought if he’s shared with me in the beginning that shows he wants to get help. He made me feel like I was special and I was ‘the one’ for him. So I wanted to try harder. If I ever brought up things that concerned me or didn’t add up, he would say (detail removed by moderator), you have trust issues because of the life you’ve had. He would say (detail removed by moderator), I thought I’m not imagining this. I kept everything to myself, and lied to friends about the life we had. Because I took the shame on myself. A few times he has come close to getting physical with me, and I was devastated, thinking I can see how this is going. And he said I’m so upset with this, he said he’s never been like this in the past so it must be me who brings it out in him (detail removed by moderator). I’ve seen (detail removed by moderator) different counsellors since we’ve been together, but he still says it’s not working for me, he said I have to tell them EVERYTHING, I don’t even know what he means by that. I said to him (detail removed by moderator). But he always has an answer. And it’s never his fault. I said (detail removed by moderator) but I’m always the one doing the giving, and he gets out of helping me out based on his anxiety and mental health condition. It doesn’t feel fair. He’s threatened to take my son away from me more than once, and this time he’s left he has now served me with a notice for mediation, (detail removed by moderator) when it suits him, it’s not to help me out or give me a break or to build a relationship with our son, he’s only a baby, so I think he should see his dad (detail removed by moderator), but he talks to me like it doesn’t matter what I think or want for our son, even though I’m his mum and want to be treated with respect. So he’s poking me with all these threats, I’ve blocked his number now for my own sanity. He (detail removed by moderator) an appointment he’s got with a mediator (detail removed by moderator), I thought why would he do that because (detail removed by moderator) but it’s like he’s trying to say see look I’m doing it. Maybe he wants me to back down and agree to his latest demands, because he will get his way whether I do or I don’t. That’s how it feels. Just still in shock. And thinking do people change and recover from these things..? I’ve been in touch with a women’s refuge, they are helping me with a support worker and financial advice etc. I’m still paying so many debts on his behalf. But it’s in my name so I have no choice but to pay. He is also not paying any money for our son at all. Surely the mediators will say to him he should be paying a contribution? I just don’t get how people can be like this! I’ve always taken responsibility for myself and my children and pay my own way in life. It’s hard to think there’s people who think it’s ok to have someone cover your costs and not even offer to help with it.
      Thanks for reading. X

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