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Hi there,
A little bit about me I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and have a (detail removed by Moderator) year soon to be (detail removed by Moderator) year old little boy. I split with his dad and found myself very vulnerable from previously being hurt with my sons dad cheating I never thought I would ever find love again and definitely wouldn’t find it being a single mum. Anyway, fast forward and I meet this guy (for safety we shall call him J) J was handsome, kind, funny and intelligent. He swept me off my feet in my darkest time. Things was great, he was so understanding about me having a child from a previous relationship and putting off dates etc was never a problem of child care problems arised. I waited a few months before introducing him to my son as I had never done it before and it went amazing they both got on so well. For the first time in a long time I felt I was going to have a family unit again. Fast forward a few months again and lockdown hit we knew we was going to have to join each others support bubbles in order to keep continuing to see eachother and things started to go down hill very quickly. The niceness started to wear thin, and he bacame financially dependent on me. As a young single mum trying to keep a roof over our heads having someone financially depend on you is really hard. He would say he was going to ‘work’ but ask me to transfer (detail removed by Moderator) lunch money everyday and I was never allowed to ask where his wages was going (truth is he had no job it was all a lie and he would wait for me to leave for work and sneak back into the house – I would be non the wiser!) then I started to notice a change in his behaviour towards me I never felt good enough for him and everything I seemed to do was wrong. He started to become distant and the lies started to get worse. He once told a lie he was in a car crash when really he was at a friends house. He started calling me names and at this point pushing me but I didn’t think anything of it because He always apologised for his actions and somehow made me believe it was my fault. Fast forward to Christmas and we was opening presents we got to the end and he asked me why I didn’t buy the (detail removed by Moderator) he especially picked I said I couldn’t afford them as they was £(detail removed by Moderator) and I had already bought multiple presents and he flipped he went into a fit of rage punching walls, crying, kicked me off the bed, threw my sofa cushion around my face I didn’t know what to do so I hid in the bathroom and called his mum for help. No questions asked she was down in minutes where I witnessed him throw his mum up against (detail removed by Moderator) screaming at her to get out of his house bearing in mind it wasn’t his house it was mine. We split and I spent Christmas on my own as my son was at his dads I tried so hard to leave but he told me he had changed and I stupidly believed him and went back this time things worsened. I told him he couldn’t move back in as it was too much for me and he could only stay (detail removed by Moderator) nights a week this never happened and he moved back in full time again the name calling got worse and so did the physical abuse. He then did something he had never done before and said if I didn’t sleep with him he would leave me in the morning me being scared and stupid slept with him and I remember just wanting it to end there and then. I finally got rid of him again until he contacted me via email
Multiple times wearing me down making me believe he had changed for good this time and we was going to have the perfect life we always dreamed of. I never met him but would speak to him via text/phone to purely keep him away from me. He scared me, I didn’t know what he was capable of so I thought by communicating with him it would keep him far enough to stay away from me but close enough he knew what I was doing. (detail removed by Moderator) rolls around and I have to ask someone I haven’t seen in weeks for permission to go to (detail removed by Moderator) with my only friend he agrees I can go so I do however, I leave my phone of the table and my friend sees a message from him. Raged by me talking to him she flips and makes me block him and change my number (which I have done!) I’m now on day 1 of no contact abs my mum has just been rushed into hospital snd I feel I have no one to turn to. My family and friends understandably hate him and shut me down whenever I say how I’m
Feeling I’m so alone please help with advice -
Oh wow, Averagegirl01, Welcome to the forum, and just to let you know there’s absolutely nothing “average” about you. You are so strong and so brave to have escaped this horrible abuser. And what he was doing was coercive control and horribly abusive. It’s so normal to feel as you do, and it’s very hard for those who haven’t experienced abuse from an intimate partner to understand. You will get lots of support and understanding here. Do you have support from Women’s Aid? It might also help to speak to your GP, depending on how knowledgeable they are about domestic abuse, as they should also be able to direct you to local services.
Abusers brainwash us and bind us to them with trauma bonds. There’s lots of good online stuff if you google trauma bonding. It takes on average 7 attempts to escape an abusive relationship, you didn’t “stupidly” go back, you went back because you were being abused by a skilled manipulator. The blame and shame lies with him, not you. If you do feel up to reading, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is incredible. Its available to read for free online. You will see your experience mirrored there, and here on the forum.
When we manage to escape an abuser, and go no contact as you have done, there is so much space to fill. Abusers dominate our thoughts, so when we get free, there is alot of space to fill. It’s like breaking a drug addiction, and cold turkey, through zero contact, is the way you’ll get through it. Try to focus on acts of self care and on reaching out here and to organisations that will support you. Journalling is really helpful for getting those swirling thoughts out of your head.
You are so brave. A hero for yourself and your child for getting away from that predator. You can do this and you are not alone. Big hugs, and I hope your mum gets well soon xx
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Wow thank you so much for the reply that was so quick and so unexpected. If I’m honest I didn’t think anyone would even read my story let alone reply but it helped writing it! I have spoken to women’s aid via the live chat and they have pointed me in the direction for my nearest domestic abusive service. I haven’t felt confident enough yet to phone them as they unfortunately, don’t offer a live chat option. I feel like sometimes I’m wasting people’s time as I know people go through a lot worse then me but I had nowhere to turn to. I have been contacted by a friend of his (detail removed by Moderator) saying ‘I’m horrible’ for leaving him noo he was horrible for what he did to me. He is probably on to his next victim already! Any advice I would appreciate so much x
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First off, please don’t think you are less deserving of support than anyone else. Our abusers make us believe that we don’t deserve anything, or that everything good comes with strings attached or a negative consequence. An important part of recovery is recognising that we are worthy of help. That we will be believed when we tell our story, that we need and deserve support, and that there are good people in the world who will help us.
The abuse was done to you. It was not your fault, and you did not deserve it. Women’s aid are there to help you, it takes alot of courage to pick up the phone and make that call, but you have plenty of courage. You have reached out here, you can reach out again. Like you, I left my abuser and blocked him before I reached out for support from anyone, but making that call was the thing that supported me in my decision to stay away. Leaving was the best thing I have ever done, but the road to recovery is a tough one, and a helping hand makes all the difference.
Dr. Ramani on youtube has some great videos and they’re pretty short. His friend is what’s termed a “flying monkey”. They do the abusers dirty work for them by getting at you when you’ve blocked direct access. I would recommend blocking them too. You know your truth, and we believe you. Hold on tight to that. You can do this. Sending strength xx
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Hi Averagegirl01
Welcome to the forum.
Well done for blocking him. Please make sure that he is also blocked from your social media and emails. If he does still find a way to contact you, please don’t respond.
I hope your Mum is going to be OK. You have a lot on your plate atm but you’re not alone.
The forum is a great place to share your experiences. Everyone understands and no-one judges. As you’ll have gathered from Hawthorn’s post, there is loads of good advice on the forum.
Going no contact can be difficult for sone ladies. If you’re tempted to let him back in to your life, please post here and let us know how you’re feeling. xx
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Thank you so much for replying again I didn’t think anyone would even read my story let alone reply! It’s really helpful knowing there’s people out there in the same situation as me! I have changed my number with my phone company and I have deleted all social media for the moment. There’s no way now that I can think of that he could contact me by. Like I’ve said above it’s been a day he’s probably on to his next victim. I just wish he could see the damage he has done to me x
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Sadly he’ll never see how much damage he has done to you. He’ll be too busy feeling sorry for himself to take even a moment to be sorry for what he’s done to you.
Most likely, he’ll just find some poor other woman to do this all over again.
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