- This topic has 13 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 5 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi, not sure what to say
I’m here because I need to find a way out.
I don’t have a lot of support. I’ve spoken to the helpline and local womens aid in the last few weeks. The women’s aid suggested to me I drop in and see them but I’m terrified to do that. I know I can only do that if I can leave him.
I know that if is abuse he is manipulating me massively it’s not just in my head, and I know that I need get out. But I’m stuck, I don’t know how to explain it but me not leaving is about 25% fear of what he will do and 75% knowing deep down that it’s always going to be the same, he is not as bad as the my exs who were much more violent but he really gets in my head. I don’t remember ever hating myself so much.This is very surreal I don’t know who I am speaking to or what is ok to say
-
Hi Thatsthat
Welcome to the forum. Its great that you have started reaching out for support in the last few weeks and its really normal to not feel ready to leave after such a short time of receiving support. Also to go in and see someone at your local Women’s Aid does not mean that they will expect you to leave soon, they will be able to go through your options in detail and let you know what support is available in your area.
It is a very hard thing to leave an abuser, everyone on this forum understands that and we are here to support you however you are feeling and however long it takes.
Take care and keep posting
Lisa
-
Please go and see them. You won’t have to leave him. They won’t make you don anything you don’t want to do or aren’t comfortable doing. However, it’s a great support for you as you navigate your abuser. For me the mind games, emotional and mental abuse were much worse than anything physical. Abuse thrives on silence, once you know the games abusers play, it’s easier to make sense of things x keep posting and reading other posts. You’re not alone x
-
Thank you I don’t know what to say I am exhausted and broken.
I have lost all my support today that I have depended on for years as it is how am I supposed to find the strength to leave him.
I have no idea what is ok to say on this site. I have alot of issues though and its impossible to know what to do. -
-
It’s funny cause he is wearing me but then complaining when I’m exhausted
I am falling apart. Trying to do what the women on the phone said and take back bits of control.
I did go and see the fireworks with my sister, things like that I haven’t even been trying to do but I done it.
It didn’t feel like I could breathe though I feel rushed every time I go anywhere so he doesn’t kick off. I don’t feel like I have time to stop at the shops but then he complains I’ve not been to the shops.
Funny (not funny)
I lied when I went to see the fireworks with my sister. I never used to be a lier. Just to him but still I lie to him all the time.
Funny cause he has always accused me off being a lier. Well not always but since he realised he could that I’m a target a victim -
We do lie to our abusers to avoid their temper. But they simply change the goal posts and abuse us over something else. We walk on eggshells constantly. Trying to avoid another outburst. Trying to appease someone who just is not rational. We become anxious when away from them because we worry we are doing something that will set them off. I’d often have a panic attack and rush home because so many times I’d been abused over being out or going out. Accused of staying out deliberately or not calling, or calling too often. My friends were dreadful according to him so I stopped seeing them, on the rare occasions I did go out I couldn’t relax with worry of how he would be when I got back. It’s the abusive man you are with that causing all these anxieties. your local women’s aid can support you, have you spoken to your GP? Do you think you could confide in them?
-
It’s not really you with the many issues. They like to convince us that it’s all us.
The ironic thing is we believe them and try to change but this will never work. As KIP said, they just change the goal posts.What is real is the abuse and how THAT makes us feel. Before I left I was exhausted, very physically ill and severely depressed to the point of being suicidal.
Gradually, with the support from others (WA, GP, the amazing women on here) you will start to gain that tiny bit of self esteem and strength that you need to escape.
We are a real mix on here…..those still in their relationship, those leaving, just left or those who have been out a while.
You aren’t alone, nothing you say will be judged or horrify us. We really do get it.Sending you hugs and strength x*x
-
I must stress that reaching out to your local domestic abuse organisation does not mean you have to leave. You do that in your own time if/when you’re ready. Leaving can be a long process and you don’t have to make snap decisions. There’s often a lot to be considered at a time when we feel so overwhelmed.
I’ve been to see mine and at no point have I been told I have to leave. They have discussed my options and made me feel empowered. They can talk with you about your concerns about your relationship, help you gain clarity.
As for the lying, I get where you’re coming from. I lie to my husband all of the time and it’s just not who I am. We do this to keep the peace and to protect ourselves. -
We have all experienced similar things on here and have gone through or are going through the same emotions and thought processes as each other, you are never alone. Keep reaching out x
-
It is really emotional opening up about all of this. I’m glad I’ve found this site I really am so grateful for your replies.
Its exactly right – walking on eggshells trying to appease someone irrational who keeps changing the goal posts.
I have spoken to my gp about a month ago after my neighbour phoned the police. I lied to protect him, I had a chance for my out, to get bail conditions again but this time not break them myself. I knew I was in way too deep when I done that so I spoke to my gp who told me to phone the domestic abuse helpline and I did. Since then I have been noticing abuse everywhere where I wasn’t seeing it before. Before I thought it was just the drink, or his mental health or me or all the other excuses under the sun.
Problem is I was already broken when i met him so I don’t know how im possibly going to get myself strong enough to leave. -
You can start taking back control one day/one step at a time. Thinking about leaving can feel so overwhelming. Especially at a time when we are still confused, living with an abuser.
Reach out and talk to people. Friends, family, DA organisation. Anyone you can. Think about what you really want from life, dare to imagine yourself in the future feeling happy -what would that look like?
You don’t have to live this way. Often our minds trick us into thinking of one million reasons how this is our life now and that’s that. It comes from the careful chipping away from our abuser. They need us to be feeling us this way so we stay.
Keep posting -
I am SO pleased that you have found this website. It took me a very long time to discover it! I found it really hard to come to terms with the fact that I was being abused. It was always other people and not something that was happening to me.
I have done all sorts of things to protect my ex from himself.
Nobody at Women’s Aid is going to tell you what to do. Nobody is going to tell you to leave. We do weird things to protect ourselves in abusive situations.
Abusers seek out kind people like heat seeking missiles. Whatever your vulnerabilities, you can’t take responsibility for the behaviour of someone else. Your abuser chose you because you are kind, thoughtful, empathetic and intelligent with a mind of your own. Whatever happens next, these traits will remain with you. What we can change is our boundaries of what we find acceptable.
It is really positive that you recognise your own vulnerabilities. So many of us have been witness to terrible things growing up and tried and tried to take responsibility for the actions of others.
Baby steps. Keep posting. Keep reaching out. Please don’t be afraid to speak about your own experience.
-
Hetty – “Think about what you really want from life, dare to imagine yourself in the future feeling happy -what would that look like?”
This is the most powerful thing anyone has said to me/asked me in months. I’ve been in tears since I read your reply because I know that’s a long way off just now. My hole life I have had t fight for a future and I don’t know if I have any fight left.
All I’ve ever wanted from life is freedom, “freedom- where all my thoughts are my own”
Right now my thoughts are a manifestation of anxiety, him, past trauma and all the fear, sadness and pain I have ever experienced.
It was the anniversary of my daughters death the other day and I didn’t even light a candle cause my thoughts are so far from my own just now.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
