New here-No idea where to being -help please

[Duckyfuzz]

Hi I have just plucked up the courage to visit having joined weeks ago….

So I spent (detail removed by moderator\0 on and off in an abusive relationship, ended up going from liar/cheater to liar and cheater. I then met my ‘recent’ (detail removed by moderator) ex. I am a shadow of my former self! My confidence rock bottom and anxiety is ridiculous.

In short…Planned a baby, he then left for a girl he promised me he couldn’t have been cheating on me with ‘because we were trying for a baby’…I was (detail removed by moderator) and he had been to 3 scans already dealt with emergency appointments like the doting dad etc. He never physically hit me but did throw things and scream, shout, gaslight and goad me when I’d try walk away etc. He’d say he could understand why my ex pushed me out of a car and how I deserved it etc. It was always my fault. Everything was twisted. There was no reasoning with him ever. He is a total n********t. He has even told people he knew nothing of my plans to have a baby, (even to people who knew we were planning!) and also has suggested the baby isn’t his.i went to counselling because I became convinced I needed to change and fix me as I was the one causing all these issues and arguments in the relationship. I even get to the point where I question what went on and if it was abusive as I can’t believe my amazingly charming ideal boyfriend(ex initially) could be that person so it must have been me and all my fault… I must have caused the arguments over silly things like he said etc?

I have had a difficult time with little one as hasn’t been the easiest child (love child to bits and beyond). Aside from the anxiety of ex coming back at some point to be a part of child’s life (I think safe whilst with this girl probably as maintenance was collect and pay as he doesn’t have to deal with it then) but my life is just a living hell despite the joy my child brings. I am so intolerant of my family, angry at the world, can’t work out if I’m right or wrong and my standard response is “sorry I’m so useless” and sorry appears every 5 seconds now at work too if I ask a question. I’m spiralling downwards but can’t afford any counselling and not sure where to go. my biggest concern is my child who is (detail removed by moderator)and picking up on my anxiety, and I don’t want my child to develop issues like I have. I can’t trust anyone now, especially after the biggest lifelong commitment you can offer someone has been used so trivially, that I am not sure what to do, I’d love to meet someone and give child a decent father figure, but I know that no matter what I will always be questioning them and feeling insecure or paranoid they are up to no good.

Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to fix myself and is there truly a life after all this once trust has been broken like this?

[KIP.]

Hey there and welcome. Have you spoke to your GP? Sounds link you might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which many women do after living the nightmare of abuse. Would be good to confide in her and get on the waiting list for counselling. Contact your local women’s aid too for support. Zero contact with your abuser is also important as contact is toxic. All the thoughts and feelings are totally normal when trying to work through abuse. Try reading some books on abusive behaviour and healing from it. Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and healing from hidden abuse. Reading the other posts on here will let you know you’re not alone. Yes life does get better and one day you won’t even think of him. He will be a distant mistake you made and I do hope you have support around you x

[Duckyfuzz]

Thank you. Your message made me cry. I think relief that I haven’t completely lost my marbles. Thank you. I will look up those books and hopefully I can start getting somewhere. I am terrified of speaking to the GP. They knew a little bit as he said some vile things when he left about the baby so I believe it was put under safeguarding, but I’m not sure how to approach it with my GP. They can be very dismissive 😔 I have tried tonsee if I can get on the freedom project I think it is but will try get some other bits sorted. Thank you x

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